Playlist:My Wish- Rascal Flatts, Life Ain't Always Beautiful- Gary Allan, Just Want You To Know- Backstreet Boys, She's Gone- Hall & Oates, The Beauty of Who You Are- Marc Broussard, You Get Used To Somebody- Tim McGraw
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you want to go;
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to chose, I hope you chose the one that means the most to you;
And if one door opens to another door close, I hope you keep on walking till you find the window;
If it's cold outside, Show the world the warmth of your smile, But more than anything, More than anything;
My wish for you, Is that this life becomes all that you wanted, Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small;
You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to;
I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, Yes this is my wish.
I hope you never look back, But you never forget all the ones who love you and the place you left;
I hope you always forgive, And you never regret, And you help someone every chance you get;
You'd find God's grace in every mistake, And you always give more than you take, More than anything, Yeah more than anything;
My wish for you, Is that this life becomes all that you wanted, Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small;
You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to;
I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, Yes this is my wish.
Rascal Flatts- My Wish
Bella's POV
I rested my head against the headrest of Edward's Volvo. The anxiety of the evening along with the long hours had made me so tired. Edward rested his hand on my knee, and I slid mine over top of his. A smile was my reward for the small gesture.
"Let's get you home, baby, and we can get some sleep. I'm sure glad you don't have to go to work today, you look exhausted."
"Thanks, you always were such a sweet talker. You know how to make the ladies feel so good." He snickered at my comeback.
I don't remember the drive home, or how I got into the house. I only remember feeling Edward slide into bed behind me and pulling me close to his chest.
"Goodnight, angel, sweet dreams." He kissed my temple and I drifted back off into peaceful world of slumber.
When I woke much later, Edward was no longer in bed with me. His side of the bed felt cool to the touch. I assumed he had been gone for some time. I slid out of bed and shuffled to the shower. I could tell by the bright sunshine coming in the window that I had slept much longer than I should have, but I still felt so tired. Exhaustion has not cleared my mind nor had it left my body.
I quickly dressed in my room and jogged down the stairs, anxious to see Edward again. I could hear voices coming from the newly finished kitchen. They must be congregating around the coffee pot. There wasn't much else in that room that any of them knew how to use. I hesitated for a second right outside the door, I could hear their voices as they spoke, much lower than normal. It seemed odd.
"What the fuck, Edward, you take her in the middle of the night to see Jacob, in the hospital. Did you forget that he is her ex-boyfriend? Forget that, he's her ex-lover that she lived with. You don't even know what all he has done to her, and you take her up there to see him because he got his dumb ass drunk and crashed his car? You are so stupid." Emmett stated matter of fact.
I was already in motion to crash through the door. How dare Emmett question what Edward and I did, or question our relationship? I would kick his ass.
"Em, first of all Jacob is more than an ex boyfriend. He and Bella grew up together, he means more to her. Don't start with me, you know what I mean. He has been a friend to all of us for ages. He was hurt and he is like family to Bella. She wanted to go, so I took her there. I can't force her to stay with me, Em. If she still loves him, there's nothing that I can do that will change that. She will need to figure that out for herself. Do I want her to love him? Hell no! I want her by my side for the rest of my life, and I swear, Emmett, if you start making fucking jokes right now I will kick your ass." I could hear a little scuffling around in the kitchen and I was sure it was Edward and Emmett giving their inner children free reign. Jasper spoke up before it got too out of hand.
"Boys, chill. First, Esme will kill you if you all mess up this kitchen, and second, handle yourselves like you are adults. Damn you two act like fucking two year olds sometimes." Jasper paused for a minute and I heard the cabinet door open and close as he began to speak again, "Edward, I think you did the right thing. You are exactly right, Bella has to make up her mind and seeing Jacob isn't going to sway her if she is not in love with him anymore. In fact, it would do the opposite. If she spends some time with Jake , even if it is just as his friend, it will make her see what she has with you. Now, Emmett, keep your fool advice to yourself and don't fuck this up for him. Edward, don't listen to a thing he has to say. When it comes to relationships he is a dumbass. He's lucky Rose loves him enough to put up with his shit." Someone snorted at that comment.
"You got that right." I could hear Rosalie's voice float through the closed door.
"What the fuck, you gonna throw me under the bus? I must not be too bad at this relationship thing; we have been together for a long time." He retorted, I could practically see Rosalie rolling her eyes at him.
"No, baby, you got that wrong. I am the one that is not so bad at this relationship thing, you just do what I tell you to do and therefore we're fine."
"Awww, babe, come on!" Emmett responded, I could see this was going to go nowhere fast. Just then Edward spoke up.
"Look, all of this discussion is fine and all but really it's up to Bella and I what we do about this. She hasn't given me any reason to doubt her, so I'm good. I'll take her to see Jake if that makes her happy, and trust her until she gives me a reason not to. She said that Jacob was ready to move on as well. So why should he make a play for her now? Besides, he has always been a ladies' man, I never understood why the two of them ended up together anyway. Bella, just didn't seem like his type at all."
"Oh yeah, right you Mr. Ladies'-Man-of-the-Year, calling out Jacob as a ladies' man. That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?" Emmett snorted.
"Why the hell do all of you think that I'm such a ladies' man? That's not the first time that I've heard this comment. So, let's get this out in the open." Edward shot back.
"Oh, come on Edward. You seriously don't think that we didn't hear all of those stories in high school before you started dating Tanya. We heard about Jessica, Lauren and all of their little skanky friends. All I can say, brother, is that I hope you kept it covered. Seriously, those girls are way beneath you. I guess when you're horny you will take whatever you can get."
Rosalie spilled all of the details that broke my heart so many times in high school. Each time I heard a new girl's name attached to Edward a small piece of my heart chipped off and left me feeling inadequate.
I heard his fists slam against the counter top, "You all have got to be kidding me! You really believed those rumors. I never touched any of those girls, they made it all up. The closest I got to any of them was feeling Lauren Mallory up. Jessica came busting into the locker room and interrupted us, so that stopped us. That only happened because she was wearing that short pink skirt and that white shirt you could see her bra through. I lost my virginity to Tanya, there was no one before her. I don't care what anyone has to say about it. I was definitely there and it did not happen!" Edward shouted at the group.
"Hey, don't be mad at us for believing the rumors that you never put a stop to. You could have told us way back then and we would have had your back. None of us would have spilled your secrets, and then we would have known the truth." Alice said calmly, very unlike her usual demeanor.
I had heard enough. I don't know why it was pick on Edward day, but I was going to put a stop to it. I turned and crept back up the stairs to the first landing. Then I stomped back down so they could all hear me coming.
Edward poked his head out of the kitchen door.
"Hey, angel, you sleep well?" He stalked towards me, lord, it was illegal to look that good without a single minute spent on actually trying to look that good.
"Perfect, but waking up was not so good." I frowned at him. "You were gone."
"Sorry, I was getting restless waiting for you to wake up, so I came down and made some coffee. It's really good too." His proud smile stretched across his face.
I pulled him in for a hug, he deserved some reassurance that someone was on his side today.
"Hey, thanks for last night. I really appreciate it." I smiled back at him, hoping to relay my thanks with words and actions.
"It was no big thing, really." He ducked his head down to my shoulder and nuzzled into my neck.
"Of course it was. Not many people would have had the confidence to take their girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's bedside in the hospital. I really want you to know that I don't have any feelings for Jacob other than friendship. Your confidence in me is amazing, thank you for showing me how much you trust me." It warmed my heart to know that he did trust me and stood up to his family for me.
"Anything for you! I love you, Bella."
"I love you too."
Edward leaned down and kissed me. I felt his love and trust pour out of him with each touch of his lips to mine.
"Why don't we get out of here for a little while, I know everyone else wants to see you but I need some alone time with you." I pleaded with him.
"That is a great idea. How soon can you be ready?" He asked.
"Give me five minutes, I need to put on some shoes and grab my purse. What did you have in mind?"
"What if we take a drive over to the ferry and ride across to Vancouver? That will take up most of the day, then we can have dinner out. When we get back here to Forks we can go and see Jacob. We both have had so much going on that it would be nice to just be you and me for the day."
I loved the idea.
Within twenty minutes we had both were out the door with all we would need for the day. Edward called Carlisle and Esme while I grabbed us some coffee and pastries. I spoke with Esme for a few minutes and filled her in on what we could do for Billy. We agreed to wait until Jacob came home from the hospital and then we could cook and clean for them both. In the meantime, Billy was staying at the hospital with Jacob, so he was easy to take care of. Quil and Embry, along with Sue Clearwater, were making sure that he was well fed while he was there.
When we hung up with Carlisle and Esme, I called Billy to check in. He told me how Jacob had improved during the night and was able to sit up for a short time this morning. Jacob was still very sore and groggy from all of the pain medications, but the doctors were impressed by the small amount of movements he had done so far. I made sure that Billy had Edward's and my cell number just in case he needed us and I told him we would be by this evening when we got back.
When we boarded the ferry we both agreed that we wanted to sit out on the deck and enjoy the sunny day. We moved all the way to the front and sat facing the view of Vancouver. Edward wrapped his arms around me and we sat huddled together. After our long separation, neither of us wanted to be that far apart from each other.
"Edward, I have something I need to tell you." He turned and looked at me, his face took on a very serious look.
"Should I be worried?"
"I don't think that it is anything to worry about, I just want you to know about it." His face relaxed with those words.
"Sure, angel, tell me."
"Well…Jacob called me last night after we got home from the restaurant. I went to my room to grab something to wear to sleep in and I saw that I had missed a call on my cell. When I picked it up, it rang again. It was Jacob, I answered it. We talked for a while. He started off a little angry and accusing, but he eventually calmed down and we were able to talk. He was having some doubts about us breaking up. Before you get worried, I don't have any doubts at all, so calm down and just listen to me. After listening to him for a while I realized that he kept complaining about missing things that we had together. He missed companionship, not me. He never once said that he wanted me, my body, or any of our physical relationship. He was lonely. I explained that I was sorry for leaving him alone, and not even checking in on him. I needed the time to figure out how to change the relationship back to just friends again. That left him all alone. I told him about us and how I was sure that what we had was different than anything that he and I had. I feel more for you now than I did for him. It's a different kind of love, I am sure about that. He wasn't happy to hear that, but I felt like he needed to know. I didn't want him to think that there was a chance for us to be a couple again. Was I wrong to do that to him?"
"Bella, you were right. He needed to know, it would only hurt him more to hold out for hope that wasn't there at all. What did he say when you told him, is that when he got angry?" I could see Edward trying to restrain himself and keep a cool head about the conversation.
"No, he seemed to actually settle down after that. He agreed that maybe he was missing a relationship and someone to share with, not me. I feel bad, I knew he was drinking and I still allowed him to drive. He assured me that he wasn't drunk at all, and it had been a few hours since he had a drink. Oh, Edward!" I sobbed, the guilt of my actions causing me to dissolve into tears.
"Bella, don't be silly. Jacob is an adult, he has been drinking for years and to be honest he can drink most of us under the table. He holds his drinks well. You can't control him over the phone, he did what he did. Not you. You had no control over him. I am sure that it was just an accident. It is really foggy sometimes on that road to La Push. You can't feel any guilt, promise me." He lifted my chin to look into my eyes. I nodded at him, his words sounding right to my head, but my heart still wished for a way to change what happened to my friend.
"My head knows this, Edward, but my heart wishes for another way. It wishes that I could change things for him. He is already hurting and now he is hurt physically. I'm sorry for dumping this on you, I'm sure this is hard for you to talk about with me."
"I will talk about anything that you want to. I would rather you be honest with me and share what you are feeling. I don't want another relationship that is based on lies, and not telling the truth is basically a lie."
We sat silent for a while, Edward still held me and I was happy staying put on his lap.
"Edward, you never told me how it was that Dr. Ward let you come home early."
Edward chuckled. He took a deep breath and blew it out. He needed to share this with me, but I knew it took a lot of courage for him to share his failures with me. He began with a shaky voice, "We talked about the weekend we spent in Seattle together, and we talked about the difference in our relationship as opposed to the relationship that I had with Tanya. He made me see that what Tanya and I had was based on lies from the start. She was never really honest with me and I don't think that I was with her either. We both latched onto what we thought would make us happy. I was in love with the idea of love and building a future like Esme and Carlisle. Tanya only wanted someone to take care of her and make her the center of their world. I would never have been happy with that. I wanted a partner and Tanya was not that. She was more like a child for me to take care of. I realized that we were not in love, we were comfortable." He let out a mix of a chuckle and sigh.
I also let out a sigh of my own; his admission was somewhat cathartic for me as well. "You don't have to explain that to me, I'm in touch with that emotion. That is exactly what I realized with Jacob. I loved him like family, like a brother. I was too afraid to be alone like Charlie and too afraid of bouncing from one person to another to find the right one like Renee. I settled for someone I knew was comfortable and would care for me. It was wrong I know, but it felt right at the time. At that time, I had never felt true love. Now, I do." Edward's face lit up with his grin and leaned down to kiss me. "I think he sees what we had for what it really was now. He agreed that we needed to be friends but nothing more. I hope he finds someone else to love, Edward. I do want him happy."
We spent all day in Vancouver, just enjoying the warm day and each other. We took time to talk more about his talks with Dr. Ward and what we wanted from our future. Where we wanted to settle down and how many kids we wanted. It felt strange to talk about this so early on in our relationship, but at the same time it felt right to talk about it. We discussed careers and if Edward would specialize. We ate and shopped until we were both tired. We drove back to the ferry to make our way home. We slid into a bench seat and huddled up together to take a quick nap.
We woke up when we docked on our side of the 49th parallel. Edward and I drove back to Forks in silence. We stopped once again to eat dinner and bring some decent food back to the hospital for Billy and Jacob. I was anxious to get to the hospital to see Jacob. I knew this time he would be ready to see me and talk since he had been waiting for me most of the day.
Edward and I slid in quietly, after the nurse told us that Jacob was sleeping again. Edward helped Billy get down to the cafeteria so he could eat and to give Jacob and me some privacy.
"Call me when you are ready for Billy and I to head back up, okay?" Edward asked as I nodded my acceptance.
I sat for a while and watched Jacob sleep; he looked so peaceful. No pain marred his face and it was easy to pretend that he was simply sleeping and not recovering from massive injuries. I took his hand and settled into the chair beside his bed. He shifted several times and finally woke.
"Bells, how long have you been here? Why didn't you wake me?"
"Jacob, why in the world would I wake you? You need your rest, so no more fussing about it. I am here and you are awake now. So, why don't you tell me what the hell happened and how you got hurt?" I tried to look stern, almost mother hen scolding her chicks, but I don't think it worked because Jacob's face took on a large grin.
"You sure must be pissed off at me, since I assured you that I was not drunk. Believe it or not, this was not my fault. I came around the bend in the road and another car had slid out of his lane and into mine. I swerved to miss him and ended up hitting the guardrail. I promise it was not my fault at all. I knew you would be so mad at me for this."
"You're so right, I was so mad at you. Edward kept me from beating you last night but he isn't here to protect you now, is he?" I swooped in to attack him, when he winced and grabbed his side. I immediately slid back into my seat beside his hospital bed.
"Do I need to call the nurse for you?" I asked him.
He simply nodded.
I pressed the button and informed the nurse that Jacob was awake and in pain. She came in and injected a shot into his IV to help with his pain. She checked his vital signs and left the room. He had settled down after his injection.
"We brought you some food to eat, good stuff, not hospital issued crap," I joked.
"No kidding, bring it on. I am really hungry but didn't want to eat that stuff they brought on the dinner tray. I didn't want to ask my dad to try to get me something else; he has a hard enough time getting around here without the extra burden of carrying food."
I was setting his food out on his tray as he attempted to sit up. I called the nurse again and she helped me to get him in a comfortable position and he ate somewhat slow, but still managed to finish it all. I suggested that Carlisle could possibly bring him some food when he came in or when he stopped for lunch. Jacob hummed around his mouthful of food, so I assumed that he liked the idea.
I knew anytime he would be getting groggy again from the pain medications, so I dove right into the talk that I wanted to have with him.
"Jacob, are we okay after our talk last night?"
"You know, Bella, I really think we are. I thought about what you said after I left my house and I think you are right. I miss the companionship but not necessarily you. Sorry, that sounds really rude and hurtful to say it, but I think you know what I mean." I nodded at him. He took my hand and held it against his chest. "I can't argue with the love that showed in both your and Edward's eyes in the few seconds before I saw you at the restaurant. You never looked at me that way, Bella, and to be honest I don't think I looked at you that way either. I see that what we had was good but there is better out there for each of us. Don't you worry about me, I will find mine someday." I leaned over and kissed Jacob's forehead.
"I was talking with Edward and he made a good point. He mentioned that perhaps we were falling in love with what our ideas were and not the actual person in the relationship. You thought that you were falling in love with your best friend like your mom and dad, I thought that I was doing my best to go middle of the road of what Charlie and Renee did. But in fact we were doing the wrong things for both of us. We were in love with the idea of love, and not in love with each other. Not that kind of love anyway." He looked away from me for a while. When he chose to look back he wore a small smile. I couldn't tell if it was the medications or heartbreak that caused the smile to look wrong on his face.
He was just starting to flutter his eyes closed when Edward and Billy came back into the room.
"Sorry guys, I had to come back up and check my blood sugar. Can't let it get out of control and end up here in this hospital right beside dear old crippled boy here." Billy laughed.
"It's okay, Jacob here woke up, consumed some pain medications and ate like a horse. He is ready for a nap again. Hey, you're kinda like an overgrown child, you eat, sleep, poop, and sleep some more." We all laughed at Jacob's expense.
Jacob realized that Edward was in the room as well; he had been hanging back closer to the door.
"Edward, get in here. Don't stand around like you don't belong here." Jacob called to him. Edward came over to Jacob's side and grasped his hand.
"How are you feeling?" Edward asked.
"Like I've been hit by a bus to be honest."
"I'm just glad that it wasn't worse, I know that stretch of road and it is pretty bad out there sometimes. Not a lot of people walk away from accidents there."
"Yeah, they told Embry that if it had happened about fifty feet further down the road, where the guard rail is out that I could have plunged down the embankment and they probably wouldn't have carried me away from that one." All the talk of Jacob almost dying made me feel sick to my stomach.
The door to the room opened and Jacob's doctor walked in to check on him. Edward talked with him for a few minutes and then we made our way back out of the room again. We promised to see both Billy and Jacob tomorrow.
When we got back to the house it was silent, a note left saying that everyone had gone to Carlisle and Esme's for the night. It was nice to have more silence. Too many emotions and feelings were running around in my head to process external stimulus if I didn't have to. Edward must have understood because he stayed as quite as possible as well. We showered together, he held me and allowed the water to purge all of the pain and frustration for my friend. I wanted to celebrate the happiness that Edward and I had fought to keep with each other, and tonight would be the last time I would cry over someone else while he held me. I made a promise to him and to myself that after tonight we moved on.
Edward dried us both off and we walked to bed, I liked the constant contact of his body to mine that he maintained. I needed his touch to ground me and remind me of all the good things I had in my life. They were all focused around this house. My love with Edward, my friends, the parents that took me in after Charlie died, they were everything that was important to me.
I turned as I sat down on the bed and lay back to rest in the center. I pulled Edward down with me. I needed his touch, his caress, his assurances that we were in this together. He stretched out his body and pressed it close to mine. His heat warming my body from the outside in. I laid flat on my back and he on his side facing me, his hand reached across my body to hold my hip.
"I love you more than I can express right now. Thank you for always knowing what I want and need." I whispered as I turned and kissed his mouth. His hand on my hip pulled me closer. Tonight there would be no drawn out teasing, no foreplay games. Tonight was about me needing his strength to assure me he was mine and I was his. We were past the bullshit and we had made it to this point and I was happy to be here.
Edward pushed up on his elbow and pushed me back against the bed. He moved over me and settled in right where I needed him. I opened my legs and wrapped them around him holding him as close as he could get to me. He took my hands and interlocked them with his own. They came to rest right beside me on either side of my face as Edward slowly slid into me. This felt right, it made me feel whole. It took away all of the pain and sadness of my life and replaced it with hope and love. I could feel Edward's love filling me. His slow rhythm allowed us to maintain contact from our foreheads down to our hips. Our legs tangled and moved to give us leverage against each other. Our eyes were locked on each other's; this was making love. Our souls were touching and merging.
"We have made it this far, baby, I will make your life so good for you. I promise." Edward whispered to me. I nodded as tears of a different kind slid from the corners of my eyes.
"We are made for each other, I can feel it. You and me are supposed to be here together. I love you, Bella. So much, I can't even express it most of the time. I love you." His words were causing the slow burning fire to jump to life. I tightened my grip on his hands. His strokes became harder and deeper. Stoking the fire and building it into a full fledged blaze.
"I love you, Edward, oh if you knew how much. I am yours completely. I can't turn back, everything I have belongs to you, my heart, my soul, my thoughts, everything."
"Yes, Bella. You and Me. That's all there is right now, you and me."
My body contracted and twisted into the delicious sensations. It was pain and pleasure all mixed together, brought on by Edward's words for me. His body slowed and pulled me along with him to a new place, I could feel the peaks and descents that he alone took me to. Our bodies were working together to give and take, heart and soul, two bodies joined to make one. He joined me in pleasure as I felt his rhythm falter and his body contracting. I knew he was the right one without a doubt.
No comments:
Post a Comment