Chapter 31- Mi Mancherai

Playlist:Mi Mancherai-Josh Groban, It Never Entered My Mind-Miles Davis, I Can't Stop Loving You-Keith Urban,If You're Gone-Matchbox Twenty, You Run Away-Bare Naked Ladies, What Hurts The Most-Rascal Flatts, Best I'll Ever Be(Acoustic Version)-Sister Hazel, Your Mistake(Acoustic Version)-Sister Hazel

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Chapter 31- Mi Mancherai

Mi mancherai se te ne vai~ I'll miss you if you go
Mi mancherà la tua serenità~ I will miss your serenity
Le tue parole come canzoni al vento~ Your words like songs in the wind
E l'amore che ora porti via~ And love that now take away
Mi mancherai se te ne vai~ I'll miss you if you go
Ora per sempre non so come vivere~ Now I do not know how to live forever
E l'allegria, amica mia, va via con te~ And joy, my friend, goes away with you

Mi mancherai, mi mancherai, perchè vai via~ I miss you I miss you, why go away
Perchè l'amore in te si è spento~ Why the love in you is dead
Perchè, perchè...~ Because ...
Non cambierà niente lo so~ I know nothing will change
E dentro sento te~ And inside I feel you

Mi mancherai, mi mancherai, perchè vai via~ I miss you I miss you, why go away
Perchè l'amore in te si è spento~ Why the love in you is dead
Perchè, perchè...~ Because ...
Non cambierà niente lo so~ I know nothing will change
E dentro sento te~ And inside I feel you

Mi mancherà l'immensità~ I'll miss the immensity
Dei nostri giorni e notti insieme noi~ Of our days and nights with us
I tuoi sorrisi quando si fa buio~ Your smiles when it is dark
La tua ingenuità da bambina, tu...~ Your naivete as a child, you ...

Mi mancherai amore mio~ I miss you my love
Mi guardo e trovo un vuoto dentro me~ I look and I find emptiness inside of me
E l'allegria, amica mia, va via con te~ And joy, my friend, goes away with you

Josh Groban~ Mi Mancherai

Edward's POV

I laid in bed and stared at Bella's things. Things she had left behind. My chest ached and my throat burned with all of the pent up emotions. Emotions that I wanted to just let loose, to let them flow out of me, to rid myself of the pain and anguish. I couldn't, it was too much like giving up. I wasn't going to even allow myself the thought that Bella wouldn't eventually be back. She said she would be back when the tour was over; I just needed to hold on until then. But that was three weeks from now, how would I hold on without seeing her until then?

Perhaps she hadn't left yet, maybe she went into work and I could catch her there. Carlisle would have my ass if he found out that I approached her when he had specifically told me not to, but I couldn't care at this point. I had to see Bella. To tell her how sorry I was, and that I didn't blame her for being angry, then I would beg her not to give up on us without a fight.

I ran into our room, trying not to look at anything while I was in there. I didn't want reminders to break me down, I didn't have time. I threw open the closet doors and grabbed the first shirt hanging in the closet, and a pair of pants. Not slowing down to bother with a shower, I quickly put on some deodorant, brushed my teeth and dressed. I was ready and out the door in about 10 minutes. All the other cars were gone so I would not have any opposition to my plan, at least in the form of my family.

I walked with purpose into the building. I didn't even bother to stop at the reception desk; I knew my destination. I could feel the panic building up in me, afraid that someone would stop me from achieving my goal. As the elevator doors slid open, I made my way in, and pressed the fourth floor button.

My mind was racing by the time the elevator stopped at the fourth floor. I made my way to the smaller reception desk located directly in front of the elevators. I had no choice now, it was the only way to gain access to Bella's office. I would have to be buzzed in by the receptionist.

I pulled up my best smile, "Hello, may I please see Bella Swan?"

"May I let her know who is asking for her?" She smiled back at me, perhaps it was going to work.

"Ah, well see that is the problem I would like to surprise her. Is there any way we could keep it a secret? I don't want to ruin the surprise." One more big smile to soften her resolve. I felt like such a slime ball using these tactics, but my need to see Bella was greater than my sense of decorum right now.

The receptionist bit the end of her pen and gave me a doubtful look. "I'm not sure that is a good idea. I can't buzz you back unless I have been given permission by Ms. Swan, company policy. I'm sorry."

"I assure you that I'm not here to cause any harm to Bella. I'm her boyfriend, I just want to surprise her. She wasn't expecting me." I offered up the slightly sad puppy dog face that used to get us extra cookies from Esme.

"Perhaps I could call and see if she is in her office and if she is busy at the moment. Maybe she could come out here and you could surprise her here?" She said with hesitation and nervousness in her voice. She seemed to be waging war with herself, denying me the chance to surprise my girlfriend while at the same time adhering to company policy. I felt like a total jackass for putting her in this position, when I knew I was being dishonest the whole time. I knew that Bella probably wouldn't want to see me at her job, hell she probably wouldn't want to see me anywhere right now. Unless it is tied to a whipping post in the town square while she wielded the whip to punish me for what she believed was my indiscretion. As fast as that thought occurred to me, another thought came telling me that no matter how wrong I might be to be here lying to this poor receptionist, I knew without a doubt, I had to try one last time to see and talk to Bella before she left.

My brain began an internal debate, one side begging me to tell the truth and leave, the other telling me this is the only way I was going to get to see Bella. The receptionist was on the phone but I didn't hear her speaking at all. Perhaps I missed it while I was debating. I stepped away from her desk when she gave me a nervous smile. I could hear her murmuring into the phone now. This little plan was probably going to go to hell in a hand basket in a few minutes anyway. I tried another smile to reassure myself as well as my unwilling and completely unknowing partner in crime.

She replaced the phone into the cradle and smiled. "Someone will be right out."

I sighed, my relief pouring out of me. The debate was over and I couldn't feel bad that the wrong side prevailed when it meant that I would get to see Bella, for however brief the visit would be. I would still get to see her. I felt a flash of panic, the receptionist said someone, not Bella. What the hell did that mean? Before I could ask the doors swung open and a tall, slim lady stepped through them. Not Bella.

"Mr. Cullen would you follow me?" She nodded politely, but her eyes showed everything but politeness.

"Sure." So, I wouldn't be seeing Bella after all. I nodded and flashed a smile at the poor receptionist that I had attempted to corrupt; she needed to know that I held no ill will for her because she did her job correctly.

I was led into a large office, Charlotte Stewart's name was on the door; it held pictures and mementoes that didn't belong to Bella. It didn't smell like Bella at all. The mysterious lady, I'm assuming that she is the Charlotte that Bella as been talking about for all this time, gestured to a chair as she gracefully dropped into hers. I followed suit.

"I don't think we need to bullshit each other, we both know that Bella doesn't know and she probably doesn't want you here. So, why don't you tell me what you're doing?"

I blanched. "I was hoping to see Bella." My resolve was gone, my shoulders slumped and I cowered down into the chair I was sitting in.

"I don't know exactly what is going on but I can tell you this; I don't appreciate you coming into here and trying to lie your way in…"

I cut her off, my excitement to make her understand the situation pulling me out of the chair. "I had to! I couldn't go three weeks without Bella knowing what happened. I know she's leaving and I just had to see her before she left. I am more sorry than you will know about the lying. I just had to see her. I had to." I dropped back into my seat.

"Well, the good thing is that I believe you. And for that you are going to walk out of here without a security escort, but don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I won't allow you back here unless Bella gives her permission for you to be. Are we clear Mr. Cullen?"

All I could do was nod my acceptance.

"I don't know what happened between you two." She held up her hand to stop me from spilling my guts to her. "But I do know that Bella was, perhaps is still, totally in love with you. If you let her go you are stupid and crazy, so I encourage you to go and make things right with her. She is worth it, but do it on your own time and not on mine. This is Bella's place of work, not your therapist's office." She waved her hand at me to dismiss me. I stood and walked towards the door.

I turned and look back at her. "Please tell her that I do love her and I swear there is an explanation. I would never hurt her, I promise." She nodded and I left the building.

I walked into the house and immediately went to my piano. I needed to play, to let out the emotions that threatened to pull me under. I began to play anything that came to mind. Somehow they were all sad haunting melodies. I ran to the stereo system in the living room and plugged my iPod into it. I selected the song I wanted and ran back to the piano.

The violins swept through the speakers and I sat poised to play when the piano joined them. I closed my eyes as the sad words of the song flooded my memory. It fit me so well right now. It was about a man who lost his love and how everything else left with her. Emmett hated it because it was sung in Italian but the song had always been one of my favorites. Especially now. I played along to the music flowing out of the speakers in the room, completely lost in the song. I replayed so many memories of the time we spent together, wishing to relive every one of them, begging for the chance to make it right with her again. I flowed with the music;(,) I didn't think that I had ever been this immersed before. Music had always been very important to me and touched me. I related to music but never as strong as now.

I played for hours pouring it all out on the piano keys; the pain, anguish, regret, fear, hope, but most of all love. I knew from talking with Dr. Ward that holding all of this in would lead me down a road I didn't want to go down. I called Carlisle, it was time to clear the air between us and let him know what happened between Bella and me.

"Hey Edward, I was thinking about calling you. You okay?" The disdain and regret was gone from his voice, he sounded like the father he had been all these years to me again.

"About as good as I can be." My accompanying laugh was nowhere near convincing. "I uh, well I think we need to talk and clear the air between us. I need for you to know what happened so that you understand the situation and know that I would never hurt Bella, and I also need to get it out and talk about it. I just don't think I can hold it any anymore. So can we please talk?"

"Sure, I'm close to town. You want me to come to you or you want to meet me somewhere?"

"Let's meet somewhere, everyone else is going to be home soon and it's hard to talk with all the movement going on. That coffee house you like sound good?"

"That sounds fine. I'll call Esme and let her know I'll be late. I'll see you there in twenty minutes."

"I'll be there."

True to his word Carlisle walked in about twenty minutes later. I nodded at the cup in front of me, "I got you a decaf, I figured that you wouldn't want the caffeine this late in the evening."

"Biological or not, you are definitively my son. Decaf is great. So, tell me what's on your mind."

I spent the next hour or so reliving each and every detail of the day with Carlisle. He listened mostly but he did ask a few questions. When it was all said and done he sat back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. "I guess all you can do, son, is just give her time. Bella needs time to process all of the details. She often lets her emotions run away with her and when she has had time to process it then she realizes that things aren't as they appear. I know she loves you, and right now I just hope that the love she has for you is enough to make her come back for long enough that you can explain it to her." He sat back and took a few sips of his freshly refilled coffee cup. "I think I owe you an apology. I guess I jumped to conclusions and assumed myself, instead of waiting for you to explain. I'm sorry for that. I just saw Bella's pain and the way all of you were gathered around her, it was like watching a bunch of bullies gang up on a small helpless child on the playground and I reacted. I should have known that none of you would ever hurt Bella. All I can offer is that my protective instincts took over and I went with it. I can see the pain in your eyes. I know that this is hurting you." He reached over and patted my arm. "She'll be home soon and she promised Esme that you both would sit down and talk. I know that doesn't ease your mind right this moment but at least you know that eventually you will have the chance to make it better." He leaned back in his seat.

Carlisle and Esme both were fairly young when they started taking each of us in, and most days he didn't seem his age at all. But every so often, in times like these, I could see it creeping up on him. His concern paved the way for it to slide in and take residence on his face. I could only hope that the joy he received came in larger quantities than the sadness.

I felt the need to comfort him. "I'm sure that it will be fine. My heart tells me that she will understand and for now that is good enough. I will deal with whatever comes next when it gets here." I ran my hand through my hair just as I caught Carlisle mimicking the move. We both laughed at the other and the heaviness of the talk passed away.

"I do have some good news for you. I have the okay to let you start the day after tomorrow at the hospital. At least you will be busy during the day and not moping around like a love sick puppy."

"Hey, who ratted me out? I don't mope, it's more like a slight sulking." I could only guess which of my siblings would have told on me.

"Well actually it was several of them, but they meant well so don't blame them. Besides I did ask them how you were so in all fairness it was me, not them. And I do know you, Edward, you were moping. I will bet on that fact."

"Fine, I'll concede to a small amount of moping. Now what time do you want me at the hospital day after tomorrow?"

"I'll be in at eleven a.m.; I will do the eleven to eleven shift, so why don't you come on in then. You can work with me in the ER, that sound okay?"

"Sounds good. Carlisle, thanks for everything, so many things that I can't even remember them all."

"Any time, now get your ass on home and get to sulking. I'm sure this little meeting has caused you to fall behind schedule." He gave me the official man hug and we walked from the coffee shop laughing together.

When I walked into the house everyone was cuddled up on the couches in the living room watching a movie. Alice and Jasper sat up, but I waved them back down.

"Don't get up, I'm good. I promise. We talked and sorted things out. Besides I'm angry at the ones that ratted me out for moping around all the time." Alice and Jasper each pointed at the other. "Exactly as I thought. Ratted out by the family, harsh!" I walked away chuckling. I patted Em's shoulder as I passed his and Rosalie's sleeping bodies on the way upstairs. He held up his closed fist and I bumped it.

"Things good?" he murmured.

"Yeah, Em, things are good. Go back to sleep."

"K."

I dashed upstairs and went to Bella's room. I dropped diagonally across the bed and pulled her pillows up close to my face. Her scent was slowly fading from them and I prayed that she came back before it was gone completely. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out as quickly as I possibly could, praying that it was Bella. It was a text from Carlisle.

E~

Might be a good idea to call Dr. Ward.

He might be able to offer some advice on how to deal and make peace.

Thanks for the coffee and for the talking, I enjoyed both.

See you day after tomorrow!

BDC~

I laughed out loud, literally at him. For several years Emmett thought it was a good idea to call him 'Big Daddy C', he said it gave Carlisle street cred. That was obviously during Emmett's gangster rap phase. Every so often he pulls out the nickname to make us laugh. It always worked. I replied.

BDC~

Can't argue with the wisdom of you!

Power to the People!

Lil'E~

If he could use his alter ego, so could I.

One less day to wait on Bella was the thought on my mind when I drifted off to sleep.

I arrived at Forks General about twenty minutes early, knowing that Carlisle's penchant for the same. I met him in his office and we immediately went to work. It was a busy day. The schools were out for summer so that offered more opportunities for the population of Forks (of them) to injure themselves while participating in dangerous activities all in the name of fun.

Most of the day had been fine; I was too busy to think about missing Bella. It felt nice to be back in the swing of things again, and I felt normal again for a few hours. That was until I stepped foot in the empty elevator on my way to the lab upstairs to get some results that I needed and heard the song that brought me to my knees…Without You by Air Supply. As a matter of fact, most of the Air Supply songs could have brought me down. The singer was sad, mushy, and desperate to have the girl back. Funny, that was a perfect description of me.

The short ride up three floors felt as though they took a day and a half, and about two verses and a chorus of the song. Enough time that the song would stick with me for the rest of the day. Suddenly there were more brunette women in the ER, and each and every one of them caused my heart to stop beating for a fraction of a second until they would turn and I didn't see the familiar beautiful brown eyes. It was a relief because my heart would start again but each time my world would tilt further off of its axis. The twelve hour shift seemed to never end.

When I walked in the door of the house, Alice and Rosalie greeted me with a plate of food and an ice cold beer. I needed both. Everyone joined me at the table so they could hear the gross stories about what I had seen that day. Okay, well Emmett was the only one that wanted to know the gross stuff, the rest of them just wanted to know that I had made it through another day. And I had, mostly.

When I was finished with my food we all headed in opposite directions to get some sleep. I found myself wide awake on Bella's bed with my laptop open. I checked my email to see if by chance she had replied to the previous email I sent her. I knew her phone was off. It went straight to voice mail, so there was no use calling her anymore, but I would try to email her again. My address book gave me the option of personal or work email and like the devious lovesick fool that I was I chose work. My chances of her actually seeing that I wanted to contact her were greater with that email address. She didn't ask me not to contact her again after the first email and songs. So, I was hoping that my chances were good that she may want the small amount of contact that this would give her. I typed out my message while my brain played the Air Supply song again in my head as background noise for me. I minimized the email and opened iTunes. I downloaded every song that applied to my situation. I made a Bella's playlist and added them. I set to repeat and reopened the email. I poured out my thoughts to her and included my cheesy Air Supply songs for her. I would do whatever it took for her to realize that I wanted her back home with me, in my arms so I could hold her and love her like she deserved. I sent up a small prayer that she was getting the emails and not deleting them. I closed the email. I left iTunes playing as I turned out the lights and hoped for sleep to come.

I called Dr. Ward as soon as I woke up the next day. I really did want to see what kind of advice he could give me.

"Hello."

"Good morning Dr. Ward, its Edward. How are you?"

"Edward! It is good to hear from you, I'm doing great. How are you doing?"

"Well, I actually am calling for some advice so that must mean not great, right?"

"Let's hear it then."

I relayed the situation to him. He sighed and I could hear the clink of his glasses when they hit the desk.

"Okay first let's start with this, what did you hope to gain from meeting Tanya?" I heard the familiar pen scratching as I talked. In an odd sort of way it was comforting to hear it.

"I wanted to get some closure. I wanted her to see how happy I was and perhaps if she knew about Bella then that would be the push to cause her to move on and leave me alone."

"Okay, that is a reasonable answer. Was there even the smallest amount of desire to see her for any other reason at all? Any of those old feelings stir within you?"

"No, none at all and in fact she actually had to convince me to go. I didn't want to at all, but then I started thinking that if I didn't go then she may look at this like a challenge and continue to push until I went. So I decided to go, simply to just get it over with and not have to worry about dealing with her anymore. Then thought that if I made her see that I was in love and happy then she would go away for good. She'd know there was no way she could weasel her way back into my life again." The anger and frustration at myself was building, I could see all of my mistakes so clearly now.

"At least you went for the right reasons. My only question was why didn't you contact Bella? You could have simply told her that you were meeting Tanya and the reason behind the meeting. That would have saved you all of this trouble." I heard more scratching from his pen as he asked.

"I was trying to protect her from worrying. I figured that I could go, meet Tanya and get home before Bella. That way she didn't spend the day worrying for nothing. I was just trying to save her from herself. Believe me if I could change it now I would." My hands were working their way through my hair in tandem. I was so nervous to hear his opinions about this. His direction the last time set me off on the right foot and I was afraid what he was going to tell me. I was afraid that he would say that I had made an irreparable mistake that Bella should walk away for good.

"Well unfortunately life doesn't work that way, our mistakes are just that…our mistakes. You can't protect Bella from everything. Life is going to get in no matter how high you build that wall around her. First, you have to let her live her life and you live yours. You need to step back and allow her to make decisions for herself. Second, by you making all of the decisions for her that isn't a relationship, that is a dictatorship. I know the need to protect her comes from a good place, but again it is left over fear from what you and Tanya had. You have to let that go and learn to live with Bella in the moment that you two are in. Allow her to choose for herself. If she gets hurt, then be there to help her through it, but you can't make the decisions for her. You will suffocate her and never find happiness for either of you."

"I know, I see that now. I see the mistakes clearly. I just want the chance to tell her that I know what my mistakes were and make that up to her. I just want her home." I could see his point and in so many words Bella had hinted at that fact before to me. She was a brilliant and well balanced woman who was capable of making her own decisions; she didn't need me sheltering her like I knew better than she did what was good for her.

"I understand that as well, but Edward I think that you both have some work to do here. She jumped to a lot of conclusions and didn't allow you to explain. That shows me that she has some trust issues, I don't know how deep they are but they are there for sure. Did you set up the appointment for a therapist in Forks?"

"Not yet, I had only been home two days when all of this went down. I forgot about it in all of the madness. Carlisle just reminded me to give you a call last night."

"That's fine, I just think that when Bella comes home, and I say when because I do believe she will, you both may be better off going to some couples therapy together. The bulk of what you have left to work on will benefit Bella as well. It will show her that you are ready to commit to her and make your relationship that much stronger. I think you both will be much happier. This isn't a long term thing for either of you, just some communication and trust issues to be dealt with on a short term until you two can do it on your own. What do you say?"

I was ecstatic, I wanted to hear that we could make it together and Dr. Ward seemed to think that was a real possibility. "I think that is a great idea. I think Bella would be open to that option; she seemed very encouraging when I was seeing you so I think that she will at least consider it for both of us together. Thank you Dr. Ward. Again, words aren't enough."

"Anytime, Edward, that's what I'm here for. You let me know how things are going okay and call anytime you need me."

"I will, thanks again."

I felt hope again. I just prayed that Bella was willing to forgive me. I just needed a chance.

It had been several days since I sent her the last email. I still had not gotten any response. I didn't know if that was a good sign or not. I wavered each day between feeling hope and optimism and then just as quickly I would sink down to despair and anguish again. I just needed a small email, a hello or 'I need more time' or something. Anything to let me know where her head was at, just anything.

It was hard to go anywhere without her. Everything reminded me of her. Even if it was a memory from high school, it still hurt to think of her at all. Each day that went by without contact got that much harder. If I wasn't working I usually didn't go anywhere. I stayed in bed, in her bed, trying to smell her, to keep willing her home.

Esme, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and even Emmett tried to talk to me. To encourage me, but it was just getting harder. What if she decided to not come home? What if she decided that I wasn't worth the effort anymore?

I grabbed the laptop and opened Outlook. One final email, I would send one final email.

To:bswan at littlebrownpublishing dot com

From:eamc620 at hotmail dot com

Re: Please

Attachments:Best_Ill_Ever_3;Your_3

Dear Bella,

Each day gets harder. I almost can't take it. I go to the hospital to work but that's it. No matter where I go I'm facing memories of you so it is easier to stay in bed and not be reminded. But hell, your bed reminds me of you as well, so I'm fucked either way. I need you, Bella. I love you! I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. I know that I promised that I would wait until we were face to face to tell you this and explain, but I can't wait, Bella. You have to hear it because I can't take the silence, I need you. I was there to meet Tanya so that she would see how happy I was with you, so she would move on and find her happiness. But when I got there she was already happy, she had already moved on. She is in love and actually engaged. She wanted to apologize to me for all the pain she had caused me, that's it. It was part of her 12 step program that she met with me and apologized to me. Neither of us wants more. There was no love, no secret meeting. I see now that it was wrong of me to go and meet her without letting you know. I swear it was just to keep you from worrying about me and her together. I can even see that I was wrong to make the choice to meet with her and keep it from you. You are a grown woman who is capable of making your own decisions and I should have given you the chance to decide. You don't need me to protect you from everything, I see that now. But know this: that I made a promise to you that I would never fall for her again and I won't. She is my past. I'm done with her, she and I both are happier without each other. I want you Bella, no I need you. I can't live without you, this time without you has proved that. So I guess at least something good has come from this. I hope this helps you make a decision; I hope this brings you home to me. I love you more than words can express and need you in my life. As always I have included two songs for you.

I Love You! Please Come Home Soon!

Edward

I sent the email and closed the laptop. I crawled into bed and waited for her response. I begged and prayed that it would be the one that I wanted, that I hadn't waited too long.