Tuesday, May 5, 2009

LTWYL- Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Bella

It had been a great couple of weeks, I passed my GED test and I enrolled in some photography classes. Everyone was so proud of how far I had come, Jasper and Alice gave me a camera as my graduation present, and Esme and Carlisle found me a second hand car to drive.

Edward had sent me a long letter answering all the questions I had asked in my last letter. I was proud of his honesty and couldn't wait to go and see him. We would get to see each other for the first time since his sentencing next Tuesday. Edward's lawyer was able to work with the warden to allow me to come and see him on Tuesday instead of Saturday due to my advanced pregnancy. He said it would give us more time to talk without all the interruptions of the other families plus it would be safer for me. Edward was all for it; this way we would be able to meet in a little room by ourselves with one guard watching through a window and not out in the open with all the other people there, it helped put me more at ease about the visit, knowing that we would be on our own would give us more time to talk about things that we couldn't talk about on the phone or in letters.

Tuesday finally arrived and I was so damn nervous. I worried about how I looked. Edward had never seen me pregnant. I worried about how I was dressed and how my makeup looked. I worried if I had the directions written down correctly. I just worried.

Esme made me breakfast, and packed me a snack to take with me, just in case. Alice and Jasper both called to talk me down a little. Carlisle kissed my forehead as he left and asked me to tell Edward that he would be up this weekend. Grand and Poppy gave me a kiss to give to him. I made my way to the car and pulled out of the driveway. Finally on my way to see Edward.

I arrived at the jail, gave my ID to the guard and was ushered into a little room where I sat and waited for Edward to come in. After a few minutes another guard came to tell me that Edward was in the gym working out so he ran to shower before he came in. I told him that was fine and began to wait again. Once again the door opened and the guard stepped in. "Ms. Swan I need to tell you the rules first before I can bring him in, okay?" I nodded. "You can touch but nothing sexual. He can hug you but nothing more. Both of your hands must remain on top of the table at all times. You can sit side by side but you must face this window. You may not give him anything such as letters, books or anything like that. He may not give you anything. I can hear you both but I will not be listening. I simply have the speaker on for your safety. If you need me for any reason then you may ask for me. The warden says you may have two hours." He stepped back a few steps and I nodded my understanding. "Then please have a seat right here and I will bring him in."

I sat and waited, I could hear the shuffling in the hallway and the guard relaying the rules to Edward as well. I heard Edward ask if he could kiss me. I didn't hear the response and it didn't matter because they opened the door and brought Edward in. He immediately pulled me close and hugged me against him. I could feel the way my new body fit against him and liked how it felt. Now I see why the no sexual touching thing was brought up, because at this point I really wanted to sexually touch Edward.

Edward's hand came up to cup my face and he held me at arm's length. "My God, Bella, you are beautiful." His hands went to my stomach. I was embarrassed and tried to pull my jacket around me to cover it but Edward pushed my hands away, he ran his hands all over me and held them in place once he reached a spot he liked. I moved his hand lower and he stood stock still when our baby kicked his hand. His eyes wide with shock. The guard cleared his throat over the speaker and Edward shifted his body so that he could see through the window that we were clearly not sexually touching. I heard a faint murmur of 'okay' and we got lost in our bubble again. Edward stood for quite a few minutes with his hands on my stomach feeling it move. Each time his eyes lit up brighter.

I finally shifted to sit. We chose for me to sit at the end of the table and Edward immediately to my right, that way both of us faced the window. Edward grabbed my hands and held them in his. "I can't believe that you're here."

"Me either. This was the longest week ever." I joked.

"Who drove you?" He asked tentatively.

"Well, see when I passed my GED, your dad took me to help me find a car. It's a piece of crap but it's my piece of crap. So I drove myself. I wasn't ready to be with anyone else today. I wanted today to be about me and you." I whispered the last part but Edward still heard me. His grip tightened on my hand and I knew that I'd made the right move. "What about you though, look at you." I say this in amazement. He looks great. His hair is cut shorter than he likes it but it looks hot, he has filled out and has a slight tan. I marveled at the man before me and shook my head at the fact that the women that just can't help themselves.

"I got clean, healthy and I am living right. It's amazing what a little effort can do. I see that it's been working for you as well. You're beautiful."

I blushed and lead him towards a conversation about our child. I told him the due date and he blanched again, I'm guessing the fact that it's so close and he certainly won't be able to be there was making him feel guilty. I reached for him and attempted to soothe him. He allowed me to put my hand on his face and turn him toward me. I realize that this is something he would never let me do before. I marvel at his progress. "Hey, it's fine. We knew this right?"

We sat in silence for a few minutes, each of us absorbing the details that we knew we would face without each other. I realized that it was now time to talk about our pasts and get them out of the way if we ever had any hope of making a future with each other.

"Can I ask you a few questions? Things that I have thought about often and I need to know." He sat back and almost pulled his hand away. At the last second he reached back to pull my hand back into his palm and curled his hand around mine. The tension in his body was clear and very easy to read.

"I guess we had to do this sometime, so shoot." He said on an exhaled breath.

"I need to know about the time we were together." I sat in silence trying to find a way to not be an asshole about it but still be totally honest. "I mean, were you with other people? At all, cause there were a lot of rumors and some of them were hard to ignore." He grabbed a cigarette and lit it, his hand slightly shaking as he pulled it out of his mouth. I had never seen Edward so shook up and worried about the depth of the bad news that he was going to deliver to me.

"I'm going to be totally honest with you okay?" I nodded my head at him. I didn't want to break this little bubble that we were in by speaking. "I wasn't totally faithful. And at the time that it happened I wasn't real upset by it. But now I see that it was the drugs or the alcohol talking to me. I knew that you would be hurt by it and yeah I tried my damnest to hide it from you." He drew the cigarette back up to his mouth and took a ragged draw off of it. "I just didn't care at the time, usually it was when we had one of our biggest fights and it was real easy to say 'fuck you' and go out and do it. I wish I had a different answer to tell you but I know now that I was in too deep. I was too wrapped up in myself and my own bad habits to pull away." His eyes met mine. "I'm sorry Bella, really sorry." He leaned his head away and blew the smoke away from me. I was touched by the small amount of caring that he had shown to me at this moment. It didn't take away the sting of what he was saying but it did show me that he had changed.

I sat back in my chair. I wanted the answer to be different but I knew deep down inside that it wasn't. I knew that he was going to say the things he did. And while I understood them, they still hurt me. I drew in a shaky breath and willed myself to talk to him about it. "I guess I knew this all along if I'm being honest with myself." He turned his head away but nodded at the same time. "I need to know who and when." His head jerked back to look me dead in the eyes.

He stuttered, "Who and when?"

"Edward, we need to say it all. Get it all out; drop all of this baggage while we still can. That is the only way we can move on with each other. I need to know that you were honest with me and I was honest with you, so we can work towards rebuilding the trust." His head didn't turn away but it didn't hold my gaze any longer either.

"Looks like your therapist knows my therapist." He murmured. I smiled, happy that he was being told to do the same thing. Inside I was hoping that this would make it easier for him to talk to me about this sensitive subject since he had pressure on both sides.

"I won't lie, this is a push from Jasper to know this, but if I'm being honest with myself, I have needed to know for a long time. Now, if you had told me this before," I waved my hand around to indicate his current situation, "then we might not still be together. But now, we are in a totally different place. We are trying to make this work for our sanity and for the sake of our baby." I grabbed his free hand again and squeezed it. "I need to know." I begged him with my eyes.

"I'm just so fucking scared that you want to know now but when I tell you then you will leave and never come back, you'll think less of me and run for the hills. I mean I have nothing but you right now. If I don't have the hope that we can fix this and be a real family when I get out I have nothing!" His voice slightly raised and I heard the squawk of the speaker turning on so that the guard could ask if everything was okay. I waved at him to indicate that I was fine and he turned it right back off.

"Edward all we ever have is hope. We take risks every single day, every hour. Some of them are returned and some are not. I don't know what to tell you other than I'm here now, after all we have been through and yet I am still here trying to work things out with you and I still haven't run." His silence let me know that he was thinking this over so I pushed forward. "I could have and several times I wanted to. I went through fucking detox with you. I mean not with you with you, but I knew you were going to go through it alone in jail. So it made me feel closer to you to do it at the same time." He pushed my hair back behind my ear and gently rubbed his thumb along my jaw line. I was getting through to him; I saw in his eyes that he was breaking down and processing everything in his mind as I spoke. "I need to know where our relationship stood so I could see the progress that we had made, Please."

He lit another cigarette and I wondered how much longer we had until 'Time' was called. I didn't want to get half way through but yet I needed something today.

"It was only with one girl, the same girl." He glanced up at me again. His thumb nail was tracing the carvings on the table top. "It was Lauren." I stiffened and he leaned forward to bridge the gap between us. His hand came to rest on my face again. "It was her because she meant nothing to me. I hated her, with a passion hated her. It was easier to cheat with her, to feel nothing with her. So yeah I did the act but felt none of the feelings with it. I felt nothing and that is what I wanted at that time."

"How many times?" I asked, trying not to sound pissed but I was.

"Four times. Three times she just blew me, so I guess that counts and then once I fucked her." All of the smug looks from Lauren made more sense now. "You have to trust me when I say it meant nothing. I was angry and that is no excuse but fuck, Bella, I had no idea how to deal with it. None!" He stood and began to pace the small room. I sat back in my chair to give him as much room as possible. "I had the perfect life, my parents loved me, they cared for me and I had every opportunity that Emmett did. But fucking look at me, I'm in jail. I don't know how to fix this or if I can. I just know that I am tired of feeling like the fuck up, the black sheep. For once I want to do something right with my life. Once." He dropped back down in the chair and pulled out another cigarette.

"I get it, baby, I do; me too, that's what we're doing here." I brushed my hand across his face and turned him so that I could look at him. "I'm just as scared Edward. I mean look at me; I'm alone, pregnant and living with your parents. I need to feel like I have my feet on the ground some way or another. We need to know that we are okay." He nodded. "It's only been you." I whispered. He closed his eyes and trapped my hand between his neck and jaw line as he leaned into my touch. "We will make it, I know we will." He nodded against my hand.

We heard the door open and the guard cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, Edward but it's time." He stepped back out into the hallway and left us a little privacy to say goodbye. We both stood up.

"We can talk more next time, okay?" He pulled me into him and held me close to his body. I felt the defeat swallowing him up. "Hey, we're good, I promise." He nodded and lean towards me slightly. I didn't know if kissing him was considered 'sexual' but I was sure going to find out. I pulled him down to me and kissed his mouth. His sweet, full mouth.

I felt so needy and wanted so much more from him but I knew that it was a defense mechanism. A way of coping that wasn't healthy. I wanted his touch as a way to assure me I was good enough; but my time with Jasper had shown me that I had to know I was good enough and nothing that Edward did could ever convince me of that.

I did open my mouth and allow my tongue to sweep out to touch his, I craved his body as much as I ever did and could see that this small amount of contact would not defeat my purpose. Edward obviously didn't mind because he pulled me closer and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck. His kiss was so sweet and gentle. Nothing like the kisses we used to share, they were always rough and demanding. I liked this new side of Edward, definitely.

The guard wrapped his knuckles on the door and we broke apart. He dropped his forehead down onto mine, his hand still wrapped around the back of my neck. He felt like he was covering me and protecting me, and I loved it.

"I'll be back soon, okay?" He just nodded at me and stepped away towards the door. I heard the guard murmur something about 'touching' as Edward just shook his head and laughed. Edward let it go and so did I. If I thought he was in real trouble I would certainly tell the guard, I mean after all it was my fault and not Edward's. But he looked like they were joking and not really admonishing so I sat back down to wait to be escorted out.

When the guard showed back up, he held his hand out to me and introduced himself. "I'm Eleazar, I'm the shrink around here." He laughed as she shook my hand. "I hope you don't mind that I was the one that stood guard for this but I needed to know how to talk to Edward after this visit." I bit down on my thumbnail and rethought all of the things I had said to him, nervous now that I had said something stupid. "Now, don't do that, you did well. Very well in fact. It was exactly what he needed, he needs to get this off of his chest and learn to move on. I asked him if it was okay for us to talk and he said yes. So if you have a moment I would like to chat with you." He motioned towards the chairs again. I sat down and waited for him to speak again. "Edward isn't out of the woods but he is making remarkable progress. I hope to talk with him about your talk today and delve into that, if you don't mind." I shook my head at him. "He has so much potential and it helps that you still care for him. I was worried that this visit was a duck and run thing."

"I don't understand what that means."

"You're here to say goodbye so you can duck and run away." I immediately began to shake my head no at him but he held up his hands. "It's okay, I see now that it's not that way at all. I may want to have you in later and do some sessions with both of you, when we get to that point. Is that okay?"

"Of course, I'll do whatever helps Edward."

"That's good to hear. I'll be in touch to talk about that when the time is right. Now, let me escort you out to the lobby." He stood and I followed him out.

"Thanks for the helping us. I really do love him and want to make this work." He nodded and pushed the door open for me and I left.

The walk to my car and the ride home was so hard. I felt so empty after sitting with Edward. I knew that this need to be close to him was going to be harder and harder to deal with now that I planned to go and see him more often.

I called Jasper as soon as I got on the highway. "Hey can you talk?"

"Sure, darlin', I thought you might need to talk after the visit. Go ahead."

I put the phone on speaker and laid it on the dash seat beside me. "Well it went well, really well." I grasped for the words to tell Jasper what went on. "We talked about the baby and he felt it move. He was so happy about that. We uh…we talked about our past and if he ever cheated on me." I dropped my right hand off of the steering wheel and it immediately took up residence in my mouth. I peeled at the sore spot that I chewed on while I drove down here.

"Bella, how does that make you feel?" I laughed at Jasper and his therapy words.

"Like shit but I do understand why he says he did it."

"Well, share then so we can both understand."

"He was drinking and doing drugs then, a lot, and while he says that is not an excuse for it but he says that it was all part of the numbing process, he was trying to feel numb again. He didn't want to hurt anymore, to feel like he was once again fucking up." I sat silent for a few seconds. "I guess I understand that."

"I certainly do as well but Bella you both need to make sure that you don't allow the excuses to be your answers. You need to push the excuses and alibis aside and really question yourself as to why you did it. The drugs and alcohol were definitely a contributing factor and certainly led you to believe that you were doing the right thing but it was not the reason that you actually did it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah it does. I told him that we would talk about it more later. His therapist, Eleazar, came out and talked with me. Eleazar is going to talk about this more with Edward and possibly have me come for a therapy appointment as well, that way we can work on things together."

"That is a great idea Bella, I like it a lot; I think it will help both of you." I knew that Jasper was the person that I could count on to give me the no bullshit answers that I needed. He also forced me to look inside and question myself. He felt that we both had a big part in our downfall. I liked that he wasn't willing to just blame Edward because of his absentee status. It was so easy for most people to place blame on him and sweep what I did under the rug. I wanted to fix myself not turn away from my bad habits or mistakes. I wanted to know what I had done and why. How else am I going to make it right again?

How else am I going to make a good life for our child?

Jasper cleared his throat. I snapped out of my internal monologue. "Bella, I really think that the two of you can fix this. It won't be easy but it sounds like both of you are on the same page and working towards it separately. Sometimes you need to do that in order to meet back at a single point. Keep working, keep talking, and keep asking questions of yourself and Edward. Keep writing things down. Sometimes things that you had no idea were important to you have a way of coming out in that journal. Read over your entries at the end of the week and see where your mind was at. Work on taking care of those things. You're doing great kid, I promise you are." I loved it when Jasper called me 'kid', I felt like he was my brother and he cared for me. I craved the feeling of belong to a family with so many deep parts of myself. One thing I vowed was that our child would never desire for that feeling. They would know it from the moment that they entered the world.

"Thanks, Jasper. I meant it for everything. I can't say it enough."

"Sure darlin', anything for you."

"It's been a long day and I think I'm going to head to bed and think about all of this for a little bit. Would you tell Alice goodnight for me, please." I was tired, but it was a good kind of tired. I felt renewed by the talk and wanted to do as Jasper said, write and think about it.

"Sure thing, sweet dreams."

I lay in bed and wrote down all of my thoughts without putting conscience thought into them. I was really interested in seeing if what Jasper said about my thoughts would actually show me what I wanted to know.

After all of my thoughts were down on paper, I closed the journal and said a prayer that we could fix this. That we could make our lives mean something and no longer be the lost wandering black sheep.


Play list:Photograph- Daughtry, The Mess I Made- Parachute, This Time- Jon Rhys Meyer, Here With You-3 Doors Down, Hard To Say I'm Sorry- Chicago, Need You Now- LA, All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye- John Mayer

LTWYL-Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Bella

Jasper called to invite me over to their house for dinner for Alice's birthday. He is throwing her a big surprise party the next weekend but if he doesn't do something on the night of her birthday he knows that she will be suspicious. He begged, so I had to agree to go.

When I got to their house it was just Alice, Jasper and I. I was grateful that it was just the three of us. I was afraid that he would have invited Peter and Charlotte, who are great, and Maria who truth be told seems to me to be a real prize. Every time I see her, she is always bitchy and never happy about anything. I asked Alice about it one day and she explained that Maria used to date Jasper when they first started college together. Jasper realized right away that they weren't meant to be, but Maria had a hard time accepting it. Jasper broke things off, but being that they both were from a small town in Texas it's hard to really get some distance. Jasper was great as a friend, but Maria never really seemed to be able to bridge that gap. I was still curious about their relationship and the issues that Maria seems to have, so when Jasper left to go and pick up the take-out, I asked Alice about it again.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" I took the juice she handed me in a wine glass and went to sit on the couch. Alice followed with real wine in her wine glass.

"Sure." She sipped the wine and closed her eyes in appreciation. When she opened them again they were focused right on me.

"How can you stand to be friends with Maria knowing about her past with Jasper?" I sipped my juice because to ask it aloud seemed so petty of me for wanting to know.

"Well, it's simple. I'm not friends with Maria because of Maria. I'm friends with her because of Jasper." Her explanation certainly sounded simple enough, but I still wasn't sure I was with her on it.

"I still don't get it." I sipped again, really wishing that I could have the wine. Alice smiled at me, the slight tilt of her smile told me that she understood the want and sympathized.

"I love Jasper, and where he is from, friends mean everything. The town is so small that there wasn't a lot to do, so you hung out with friends. All of his memories involve Peter, Charlotte, Maria and a few others. I could never ask him to sever those ties for me because of silly pettiness." Alice's wisdom seemed to wash over me and shake my entire frame.

"So, you do it because it's important to him and you love him?" I wanted to be so trusting of a person, but I just couldn't yet. As Edward said in his letter, every single person that had been in involved in my life up to the fire had betrayed me in some form or fashion.

"Yes, plain and simple."

I leaned up and sat my glass down on the coffee table. I needed to hear more. "Does her snarky attitude not drive you insane?"

"Of course it does, but it drives Charlotte mad as well. She's a bitch but she's Jasper's friend, so I let him set the rules as far as she goes. Now, if she ever crosses the line, then I may step in, but so far…" She held her hands up as her voice let the sentence hang in the air.

"What would you do if she does cross the line?" I asked, leaning in closer to her.

"Bella, I get the feeling we aren't talking about Jasper and Maria, are we?" Alice set her glass down beside mine and sat back up to face me. She took my hands in hers and held them while I tried to collect myself enough to answer her.

I couldn't form words, so I simply shook my head. A few tears and several deep breaths later, I was ready to answer her. "I tried so hard to trust him, to know that he loved me and wouldn't do any of those things that the rumors said he did, but I just couldn't. I feel so childish for not being able to do that." I squeezed her hand.

I had never had a friend as close as Alice; I guess she was my BFF. I almost chuckled at the thought but held it in. She certainly seemed to pull the info out of me better than any other person I knew, except maybe Jasper.

"Darlin', you and I are worlds apart in things here." Alice adopted Jasper's southern drawl when she addressed me. "I was raised in a home where people loved each other and told them daily. I was fed, clothed, and supported." She leaned back and raised my chin slightly with her index finger so that I was looking at her. "You were not. Just because this is easy for Jasper and me, and trust me when I say it's not always easy for us either, doesn't mean it should be for you and Edward."

Tears began to fall again. Alice dropped my hands and slid closer to me on the couch. Her tiny arms wrapped around me and she cradled my head to her shoulder. "It takes time and trust on both parts. You have to trust him to love you more than any other person on the planet, and he has to show you that trust in some way every day. It's not a one-sided thing, Bella." I nodded my head but didn't look up at her. "Edward has some issues and so do you. Once those are worked out then you two can try to work on this. Solve the bigger issues first." I chuckled at this thought. "It will come with time Bella, I promise."

Just then Jasper marched through the door, soaking wet, but the Chinese food was clearly okay. He laughed at the situation and I marveled at this free and easy-going personality. "Well ladies, looks like old man weather didn't like our choice." His eyes crinkling at the corners like Edward's did when he laughed. A small pain of loneliness shot through my heart and I gripped Alice's arms tighter.

When Jasper returned with the food and noticed our positions you could tell he was concerned, that was something that I still wasn't used to, he made sure to ask if everything was okay as he knelt down on the floor in front of us.

Alice shooed him away and responded, "Sure, can't we have a little girl time without you honing in, Mr. Whitlock?"

I chuckled and sat up further to allow Alice to move off of the couch all together.

"Well, Mrs. Whitlock, when I come home and see you with your arms wrapped around another woman, I want you two to be naked." He held his hands up in front of his body before adding. "Just sayin'." My eyes grew wide with shock and I had to admit, a little fear.

"Stop it Jasper, you're scaring the company." Alice snapped his ass with a hand towel from the kitchen and he scurried off towards the dining room to set out the food. Alice turned back to me. "Don't pay him no mind, Bella. His momma always said he was a sassy one." She leaned in closer to me. "There is no way he meant any of that, trust me." She winked and walked towards the dining room herself.

I stood and made my way in behind them, way behind them. When I stepped foot into the fully laid out table, Alice and Jasper were wrapped up in each other's arms. Their foreheads pressed together talking quietly. That was what I wanted, right there; I wanted to be able to joke, knowing that Edward could take it as a joke and then make up just because we couldn't stand any bit of animosity between us, no matter how small. It made me remember a particularly nasty argument between Edward and I one day.

Edward walked into the apartment dirty, tired and smelly. The garage didn't have air conditioning in the bays, so he was hot and smelly most days. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and plopped down on the couch. His shoes, shirt and even his pants were quickly shed and he sat in his underwear trying to cool off. "What's for dinner?" He asked without even taking his eyes off of the TV.

"Don't know." I chewed on my thumb nail. I was hoping to go out with the girls that night, but had no idea how to ask Edward. I knew that he didn't like it when I went out alone and he seemed like he had had a hard day, so that made the decision of how to ask even tougher. "What would you like?"

"I don't give a fuck, as long as it's edible that's all I care about. Damn Bella, you didn't even work today. You wouldn't think it would be so hard for you to figure out something as simple as a meal for me, when I obviously did work." He waved his dirty hands up and down his body. I almost laughed at him because sitting there in nothing but his underwear you could see exactly where his clothes stopped. Those parts were filthy and covered in grease but the rest was a pale white.

I stood up and turned towards the kitchen. "Fine, damn. I only wanted to see what you wanted." I stomped off and began to rattle pans around. I fixed him a quick meal of Hamburger Helper. Let's be honest, I wasn't Betty Crocker and we couldn't afford much more than that anyway. I dished it all into a huge bowl and took it to him. He reached up and pulled it towards him, again without looking away from the TV.

I grabbed his clothes and picked them up off of the floor. "Damn, looks like you need two women around this house to take care of you." I sassed as I walked away with his dirty clothes. I heard the bowl hit the floor, and funny enough, I heard the food inside splatter as well.

"What the fuck, Bella?" Edward roared. "What are you trying to say?" I heard him making his way into the bedroom to follow me.

"Nothing. I was just fucking joking, that's all." I threw his clothes down and tried to push past him.

"Well, it's not fucking funny. I work, I pay the bills. You sit on your ass and get high all damn day."

"Wait, I work too, asshole."

Edward laughed at this point. Threw his head back and gave a full belly laugh. "You call that shit you do work? I've been to see you at work." He spat the word work. "You sit around and read goddamn magazines all fucking day. In the air conditioning! While I sweat and roast in the hot garage. I climb under nasty ass cars to fix shit most dumb ass fuckers don't know how to. I work! You, Bella, play." He turned and walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. I heard the shower start and the curtain close as he stepped in.

I sat with tears in my eyes as he got dressed. I could tell by what he put on that he had no intentions of staying in tonight. And I could tell by his demeanor that he had no intentions of taking me with him. Part of me said that I should be thrilled, because I'd get my girls night out like I wanted. But the other half of me wanted to criticize myself for being such a bitch to him.

After Edward left, Jessica showed up and forced me to get ready. I made sure to wear something that wouldn't piss Edward off in case we ended up at the same place. I went, but I didn't have fun. I worried about what Edward was out there doing in anger. Was he with another woman? Was he off doing more drugs? Was he drinking and driving? The longer the night went on the more depressed I got, and I even tried to head home several times. Jessica promised just one more club and we would go. I gave in. I didn't really want to be there when Edward came home anyway, if he came home. When we hit the dance floor at the last club, I let it all go. I danced and enjoyed myself. Until I saw Edward sitting in a booth in the corner, watching me on the dance floor. And he wasn't alone. Lauren was with him. Rumors were that Lauren was his go to girl when he wanted to fuck around on me. I had no proof, but it was hard to ignore so many damn rumors. I immediately made my way to them. I watched as she ran her tongue up the side of his jaw and around the hot tattoo on his neck. I cringed knowing that he was not only allowing it, but a little smug about it. His eyes never left mine as I made my way to them. When I stopped at the edge of the table, he said one word. "Bella."

I grabbed the table and shoved it towards them. Lauren looked over at me with her glassy eyes and went back to licking his neck. Her hand snaked down towards his lap. I snapped. I launched myself at her. I intended to rip her eyes out and then tear her tongue and hands off as well. Edward stopped me. He waved his finger in front of my face and tsk'd me. "Now, now, Bella. Don't be angry. I'm only doing as you asked. I'm trying to find another woman to help take care of me." I threw my other hand up to slap him across his face. But he caught that hand as well.

"Fuck you!" I was seething.

"That is a promising idea, maybe Lauren would like to join us. Let you two get to know each other and all." Lauren perked up at the idea, I wanted to kill her.

"Not on your life. I'm done with you and your little bitch." I turned and walked out of the club with Jessica. I stayed at her house for two days until one of Edward's friends showed up and told me that he was looking for me. I don't know why he didn't come and get me himself, he knew where I was. I went home and he apologized. He promised that nothing happened between him and Lauren and that he was using her to make me jealous. I told him it worked. I forgave him and he fucked me against the wall. Just like our first time together, hard and fast. He told me how no one made him feel as good as I did, and that no bitch would ever work his dick as well as I did. I told myself that he meant the other women were bitches and that he never called me that.

Alice stood waving her hand in front of my eyes. "Earth to Bella, you in there Bella?" She laughed. Jasper joined in. I had no idea how long I had stood there in a daze.

"Sorry," I mumbled and went about making my plate of food. They both let it go and we made our way back to the couches to eat.

About half way through our meal Jasper turned to me. "I've been meaning to talk to you about something." He sat his food down and I followed suit. "I think you would get more out of one-on-one therapy than the group thing."

I tried to protest and he stopped me. "Bella, it would be beneficial to you for a therapist to work one-on-one with you. Focus on your specific needs and not the bullshit that the rest of the group needs to deal with."

Alice slapped his arm. He turned to look at her. "What? I'm not lying, it's mostly bullshit. Isn't it, Bella?" I didn't answer him, but I did begin to giggle. "See, even she can't deny it's bullshit." Jasper turned back to me. "Seriously Bella, think about it."

I shook my head. "I can't afford that now." I pointed to my stomach.

"Well, see, there's this other part." Jasper scratched his head and rushed forward with his description. "I have this potential job lined up once my contract is up here, but they want me to get some one-on-one experience. And I don't have much of that. So…I was kinda hopin' that we could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I could get more hours of one-on-one and you could get some serious help for your issues. Not the bullshit." He turned back to Alice to say the last part. She giggled and so did I.

"Okay," I replied to him. He jumped up and down and swung me in a circle.

Alice marched off to the kitchen with the dishes. "I told you she would say yes, dummy!" She threw her comment over her shoulder to Jasper as she retreated.

"I swear, I really was thinking about suggesting this before this new job came up, that isn't the only reason. I promise. I would never do that you." Jasper's eyes became serious and it was kind of funny the way he was worried about how his offer looked.

"I know, silly, I just can't help joining in on the fun." I slapped his chest and we broke apart.

Alice drove me home that night to save me cab fare, and as I made my way inside I couldn't help but still laugh at the fun we'd had. Carlisle and Esme were watching TV together when I came in, but they both sat up a little when they heard me.

"Hey," I offered from the doorway.

"Hey," they both responded in unison. "Have fun?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, I did." I shifted from foot to foot. Something about Carlisle's eyes made me nervous. "I'm going to go and get ready for bed now," I trailed off.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice stopped me.

I turned back around to meet his eyes. "Edward would be so proud of you."

My mouth fell open. That was not what I expected at all. My hands immediately went to cover my stomach and wrap my arms around the only part of Edward I still had with me.

"He really would. You have changed so much, in a good way; you're holding down a job and even got a promotion, you're going to school and doing really well. I'm proud of you and I know Edward would be too."

He stood and wrapped me up in his arms. He wasn't quite as tall as Edward, but everything else felt familiar, almost like having Edward there with me. I caved and began to cry. I really did miss him. Even when I spent most of the evening thinking about the shitty parts of our life, I still missed him.

"Hey now, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry, I just wanted you to know how we felt."

I backed away and wiped my tears off. Esme came to stand by us as she ran her hand down my arm. "I know, it just felt so much like Edward and I miss him so much sometimes." I half laughed, half cried.

"It seems like so long, but just look at how much time has gone by so far. By the time he gets out you and he both will have your feet on the ground and be ready to run."

I nodded and tried to smile.

"Go and get some sleep. Don't you have a big test coming up tomorrow?" Esme asked.

"I do." Once I had passed my GED tests, I could officially begin to take college courses. So far the photography classes that I took were courses offered to the public, which was fine, but I was ready to get serious.

Esme and Carlisle both offered me well wishes for the test and I slipped upstairs to get ready for bed. After the night I had, I wanted to write Edward. After I talked to him on the phone and answered that first letter, we made a point to write at least once a week. For him it was usually more. He spent time telling me about what he was learning and how he felt. I could see several things that Jasper and I covered in our group sessions coming out in Edward's letters. It made me proud to see that he was trying hard to work on things as well.

I knew that this letter was going to be hard. I had planned on asking him about the other women and why he was with them. I knew it was probably stupid at this point, but I needed to know. I had to know where he stood on that issue if we were ever going to be able to trust each other again. More specifically, if I was going to be able to trust him.

I showered and got in my pajamas. I grabbed the notebook I used to write him in and hopped into bed. I began to pour my heart out to him. I recounted the night I remembered and how it made me feel. I told him about the hurt I felt when he didn't come to ask me to come home. I told him about the rumors and how they made me cry. I told him about the night I spent with Alice and Jasper and the things that Alice said. I told him about the times that I went out without him. I explained in detail what happened, as much as I remembered, I explained how I had not been with another man since I met him. I tried to make him understand that this was not a decision made out of fear for what he would do to me or the other guy. It was a decision based on my love for him; my need to be with him, and him alone. I begged him to be honest with me. I promised that there would be no anger or finger pointing, but that this was to clear the slate between us and get things out in the open, so that we could work on making our relationship healthy and strong. I spent a little time at the end and told him about the doctor's visit for the baby. I relayed the information about my big test, even though I knew he already knew about that. I also told him about the sessions with Jasper. I told him I loved him and I closed the letter.

I had not gone to see Edward in jail yet. I wasn't sure if I could, but I would like to go before the baby was born; and that was soon. I only had a little over eight weeks left before my due date. I made a mental note to work on that tomorrow after my test. I wrapped the blankets around me and fell off to sleep, dreaming of Edward and when he gets home, like always.

Playlist:Everybody Hurts-U2 but I like the Lee Dewyze version, Somewhere with You-Kenny Chesney, Stepping Stones- Duffy, Cry- Kelly Clarkson, Your Mistake- Sister Hazel, Sleeping to Dream- Jason Mraz

LTWYL- Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Bella

After thinking about some of the things that Edward had said in his letter I decide to take one of his ideas and run with it.. I decided that attending group meetings at the Y wouldn't be such a bad idea; I mean seriously, what did I have to lose anyway? I found that the more I go the more I like the therapist, Jasper; I like his laid back and mellow demeanor. He doesn't make you think that he is judging you for what you say or feel. In fact he makes you feel like what you feel or say is the most natural thing in the world. I like it. For once I feel like it's okay to be me. I feel buoyed by the lightness that I always seem to embrace after each group session.

In fact after one of the group sessions I was feeling so light that I stopped at the front steps of the tech school on my way by. I had never finished high school, at the time I had too many other more important things to do; but now, for some reason it seems like it was a mistake to ever stop going. Like going back is one of the steps for getting my life back in order. So I hesitantly took the steps one at a time, never looking up to meet anyone's gaze. I didn't want the judgment from them, but I knew that I did want to do better my life and the life of my baby so I knew I had to keep going.

I made my way inside and asked to speak to someone that could help me enroll in some classes. A tall lady stepped out, looking me over once and waving a hand for me to follow her. I sat where she told me to sit and I waited for her to ask me what it was that I needed help with, but she kept fiddling around with her computer instead. Finally, after several minutes she looked back up at me and said, "So, what do you need help with?"

I pushed my hair back behind my ear and began to stammer. At that moment I knew that this was why I wanted out, I wanted to feel like I'm as important as everyone else. I wanted to feel like I had the right to stand up to people like her and tell them to kiss my ass when they talk down to me. Her attitude really just gave me the resolve to do this. "I want to enroll in classes." I replied as I met her eyes.

"Well, honey, I know that much. Which classes do you want to take?" She snapped her gum in her mouth she was in high school.

"I don't know. I'm not really sure what I want to do." My resolve weakening under her constant glare.

"Have you taken classes before? What was your course study then?" She asked.

"I haven't taken any before." I stammered.

She sighed a long annoyed sigh; she obviously had better things to do. I heard the ding of her IM program every few seconds, I guess I was interrupting her chat with her friends. "Where did you graduate? Maybe I can look up your transcripts and get you started." Two more dings.

"I uh…I didn't." Feeling smaller than ever.

"Well, honey, you can't take college courses or even tech school courses if you didn't graduate from high school. You need to go back and finish that first." She stood up and walked toward the door of her office and opened it to dismiss me from her presence. I heard her mumbling about stupid teenagers as she walked away.

I slunk out of her office and made my way back towards the Y to catch my bus home since I didn't have to work, and literally ran into Jasper as he descended the steps, obviously trying to catch the same bus as me.

"Sorry." I spoke to the sidewalk since I was too embarrassed about my life to actually speak to him.

"Hey, Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there." He murmured as he pulled his bus pass from his messenger bag. He waved his hand in front of him to allow me first access to the bus. I stepped up and waved my pass along the scanner and took a seat, Jasper joined me. Well actually he sat facing me across the aisle. It felt nice to know that someone didn't assume anything about me and was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. It was a very gentlemanly gesture. "So, you gonna spill or do I have to pull it out of you?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Just a long day that's all." I pulled at the loose threads on my worn out purse.

"Bella, I saw you less than 40 minutes ago and you were walking on cloud nine, now you are looking like you ran over a herd of kittens. What gives?"

I smiled at him and suddenly the words rushed out of my mouth. I told him about dropping out of school, about my agenda at the ripe old age of 15 and how school wasn't important to me then. I even told him a lot about Edward, and about his goals to get his life in order. Jasper scooted over to the seat beside me as I talked about Edward. I really appreciated it - I wasn't ashamed of Edward, but at the same time I didn't want to yell it out for the whole bus to hear either. I told him about being pregnant and looking for a way to accomplish the same goal that Edward had. I spoke about the lightness I felt after the group session and the horrors of asking about school. By the end I was crying for all the things I was afraid that I would never accomplish at all. Jasper's hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back and talking softly to me. He pulled his cell out of the front pocket of his jeans and made a call.

"Hey baby. Are you busy?" His southern drawl came out for this particular person and it struck me that she must be the love of his life that he has sometimes mentioned. The one person that he allowed all the walls to drop for showing her the real him. I pushed aside the longing for Edward and listened to Jasper talking. "I have a friend that I am going to bring by your office, think you can help her?" He paused and I heard a flurry of talking on the other end but couldn't make out the individual words that she used. It was too rushed. "Okay, love, see you in a few minutes." He flipped the phone closed and turned back to me. "You have a few extra minutes?" I simply nodded at him.

Two stops later we were back at the same steps. The same site that I suffered my humiliation earlier today. I pulled away from his hand on my elbow and stood gaping at him. I couldn't go back in there, ever! I wasn't stupid enough to force myself to undergo that same humiliation twice in one day, actually twice at all.

"Come on Bella, trust me." The pleading in my eyes made him stop and step closer to me. "Trust me, we are going to see Alice and she will fix you up. You deserve every one of those dreams you told me about on the bus and so much more. Don't you think this is scary for Edward as well? He has to do this shit alone, you have friends; let us help you. I promise you will love Alice, I do." He smirked and I couldn't help myself, I smiled at him as well.

We made our way through the front door, past the receptionist and down the same hall. Before I could protest again a small ball of energy came running towards us down the long hallway. She jumped and flew into Jasper's arms, they both laughed and kissed. I took a moment to look over Jasper's Alice. She was beautiful. Short, well dressed and her face radiated kindness.

Exactly one hour after I made my way into the office, Alice had me enrolled in GED courses and a few photography classes. Jasper was right, I loved her. She was kind and infectious. I couldn't help but spill my guts to her about so much of what went on in my life. She listened and asked questions and I kept spilling. By the time we were done she was wrapped in her coat and she followed Jasper and I back out to the bus stop.

"Come eat some dinner with us Bella." She grabbed my hand and held it pleadingly as she asked.

"Sure, let me just call Esme so she won't worry." I pulled out my pay as you go cell and dialed her. "Hey Carlisle is Esme there?" I waited while he called her. It made me smile that I could tell you exactly what was going on in the house without even being there. Carlisle was watching the news with his belt undone and his boots beside the chair he sat in. Esme was cooking dinner. Pops was doing a crossword and Grams sat on the porch with her friends talking.

"Bella, is that you? You scared me I expected you about two hours ago." She spoke softly but I could hear the worry in her voice. Regret washed through me. I knew she would never say so but I could see the worry pass over her face each time I wasn't home exactly when I said I would be and knew that she was scared that I had sunk back into my old ways.

"Sorry, Esme. I didn't mean to worry you. I decided to stop off at the tech school. Guess what?" Excitement poured out of my mouth.

"What?" The excitement must have been contagious because Esme sounded just was worked up as I felt.

"I'm enrolled in my GED classes as well as two for photograph."

"Bella that is amazing." She shouted before I even finished the sentence. I heard her telling Carlisle my good news and his congratulations as well.

"We can talk more about it and I'll show you all of the info when I get home. I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm going to go and grab a bite to eat with two of my friends, okay?" I bit my lip waiting for her answer like I was five and needed permission.

"Uh, okay." I could hear the doubt so I rushed to explain.

"I'll be with Jasper and his wife Alice. Jasper leads the group sessions and Alice works at Tech. She actually helped me get into the classes. We were going to celebrate. I shouldn't be gone long, I'm kinda tired."

Esme's entire demeanor changed as she took in what I said. "Oh, that's fine dear. Don't walk home, if you need me to come and pick you up I can."

"I'm fine, I'll take a cab." We exchanged goodnights and I dropped the phone back into my bag.

When I got home I changed into my pajamas and dropped into bed, more tired than I had been in a long time; but even the bone deep weariness didn't distract from happiness that I felt. For once in my life I had a normal night out with normal friends. It didn't involve any drugs, or cops running someone down and hauling them off to jail. I was beyond words.

I lay in bed and looked over the brochures that Alice gave me about the school before I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning when I made my way down the hall to the bathroom I heard Esme at the bottom of the stairs talking. She had to have been talking to Edward; her tone was always softer and soothing when she spoke to him. I knew she tried her best to assure him that things would in fact work out for all of us. Some days I was sure she was right, but others not so much.

I quietly walked down the stairs and sat down to listen to her for a few minutes. I knew that I had to tell Edward about the baby. I knew he deserved to know and to be honest I really didn't have a good reason for not telling him before now. I knew that I had to do it today; if I put it off any longer then I would keep chickening out and not tell him at all, I would end up leaving it to Esme and she didn't deserve that after all the stuff she had already done for me. So, I stood up and made my way to her. I held out my hand and waited for her to realize what I was asking for. This would be the first time I had spoke to Edward since that night and that was another hurdle that I needed to just get over as well.

"Hold on Edward, Bella wants to talk to you." I could hear Edward talking to her still as she held the phone out to me.

"Hey." I said to him.

"Hey." He replied back to me. I turned my back to Esme and tried to hunch my shoulders around to give myself a bubble of privacy. Esme's heels clicked across the floor and I heard the screen door slap close as she gave me the privacy I needed to do this.

"I uh, I have something to tell you." I stammered.

"Shit, uh okay." I heard him drop into a chair, bench or something.

"I'm pregnant." I muttered, not exactly sure if Edward would feel the way that Carlisle assured me he would.

"Really?" He sounded dumbfounded.

"Yeah I went to the doctor because I was sick a lot and your mom was starting to get worried." I ran a hand through my hair and almost laughed at the Edward gesture. "I just thought it was cause I was detoxing, you know but she was sure it was more. Well…she was right. I'm due in six months, April 14th." I ended. Edward still had not uttered another word. "I know that you can't be here or anything with what's going on and all so I don't want you to feel guilty or anything. I mean I know that we never really talked about kids and I don't know how you feel about them so this is my thing okay?" I huffed a deep breath out. "You don't have to do anything, I just wanted you to know."

"I don't have to do anything? Bella that's my baby, what do you mean I don't have to do anything? Are you kidding me?" I could hear the deep inhale that let me know he had lit a cigarette. "Baby, I know that we fucked up, I fucked up but I still love you and this is our baby. Not yours alone. I can't do shit right now but I swear as soon as I'm out of here I will be there to help you out." He went silent and I heard the puffs before he spoke again. "You haven't met anyone else have you? I mean if you have then that's okay but please at least promise me that I can see my child." He sounded broken, softer, and gentler than he ever had. I really had no idea that he would even care, I mean I know he's not a complete asshole but I just didn't see kids fitting into his future. I mean he fixed cars and dealt drugs for a living, not exactly the kind of environment that you bring a baby into.

"No! I haven't met anyone else." I wasn't sure if I should be admitting this or not but I couldn't stop myself. "I still love you too." His intake of breath proved to me how surprised that he was that I would admit it as well. "I just don't want you to feel guilty that you can't be here, that's all. I know how you are." He chuckled.

"Yeah, I already feel some guilt for it. So, how do you feel? Are you taking care of yourself?"

"As much as I can. I still feel sick a lot but the doctor gave me some tips and all to try to keep it to a minimum. I guess I'm good. What about you?"

"I uh…well, did you get my letter?" His uncertainty scared the hell out of me, it made me worry that what we had, the good parts of what we had, we would never get back. That now we were reduced to awkward talking like ex's.

"Yeah, I got it. You sound good. I'm proud of you for what you're doing."

"Bella, I swear to God that I will make this right. I can't lose you, please." I heard what I assumed were tears in his voice, the Edward I knew would never have cried so it was hard for me to tell.

"Edward." I started and realized that I couldn't promise him anything other than the fact that I would try. "I'll try that's all I can promise right now. We both need so much and have to do so much, that I can't promise more than that." It sounded weak even to my own ears but it was really all I could give.

"That's enough Bella. That's enough. I love you Baby." I heard the tears again.

"I love you too Edward." I tapped Esme on the shoulder as she stood at the sink and when she turned I handed her the phone and ran. I locked myself in the bathroom and showered. I dressed and fixed my hair for work. The whole time shutting out the talk that I had with Edward. I couldn't think about that now, I had to go to work and it wouldn't look good for me to walk in a blubbering mess.

I called Alice on the way home and chatted with her, and then I ate dinner and made my way back to bed. I was starting classes in the morning and needed my rest.

I pulled out the letter from Edward and read it again. When I had read it several times, I felt strong enough to write him back.

Dear Edward,

I don't even know how to start this. We are in such a strange place right now. How do we get back to normal? I really don't know. I don't even know if I want us back to normal, cause let's be honest, normal was a shithole full of drugs and booze and I hope that neither of us want that back. As for you being stupid or loyal? Well I think that you refused to give up and that makes you honorable.

Hearing I love you from you today felt so good. I don't know if that helps or hurts us to say it but it still thrills my heart to hear it from you, hope that helps; and while I do still love you, I am so fucking pissed at you. Pissed at you for a lot of things, like cheating on me for one but more then that I am pissed at you for snapping and almost killing us. Looking back though and looking at where we are now, how much better off we are now and I wonder if I should even be pissed off about that at all. Does that make sense? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, so good luck figuring it out.

You say that you don't feel like you are good enough for me, funny because I feel the same way. I feel like I should have been strong enough to pull us both out of the pits and make us better people. Instead I asked for pills and just fed your need to be a part of that circle. I enabled you! That makes me not good enough for you. I know, I know, we are going to argue this point till we're both blue in the face so I will let it go, but remember this just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean that I don't still feel those things.

I was so proud to hear all of the accomplishments that you have made. I too, have started going to group therapy at the Y. It was part of an AA or NA or something but I liked it so I kept going. Jasper, the leader, is so laid back that you don't feel wrong when you say how you feel or the things you have done. The judgment is not there and you feel safe spilling things. I have met his wife as well, she has become my best friend. Alice is her name; she is a spit fire that's for sure. She was dropping me off one afternoon when Rose and Emmett were coming over and apparently Rose went to high school with her. They talked a little.

Speaking of Emmett and Rose, Em is asking about trying to come and see you. I know that you two have some bad blood but I think that it might be a good idea to let him. He really seemed to take it hard that you were gone. That's just my opinion and all, do with it what you want.

Jasper and I have been talking about my past a lot. I see a lot of the mistakes now, both mine and other peoples. Mostly other peoples but still lots of my own. He's helped me see that I need to forgive them and myself. I need to realize that to move forward I can't keep looking back.

I have to be honest that I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was pregnant. But the longer I live with it the more excited I become. I'm not foolish enough to think it will be easy given our circumstances. Still part of me thinks this might be my chance to really get something right from the start and not fuck it up. At least I hope and pray that I don't fuck it up. I can't stand the thought of our child going through half of what I went through. It burns deep in my chest when I think of that. Your mom says that is the love that has already taken over me. I guess she's right, I don't know. I do know this. I can't stand the thought of not being pregnant anymore, that is for sure.

I start school tomorrow and I am so scared. It just seems like such a big hill to climb and while I know it will be worth it is still scary.

I don't want you to stop writing me. I know that I haven't talked much to you. Well actually at all until today but still, please don't stop writing me. I promise I am working on trying to get my shit together as well and it just may take me a little while. But it helps to know how you are and what you are feeling. So please keep writing.

I do love you!

Bella

I folded the letter up, slid it into the envelope, and wrote Edward's name and address on the outside. I walked it down the stairs and handed it to Esme. "Will you please get me a stamp for this tomorrow when you take yours in?" She smiles and nods.

When I was back in my room I started thinking about my life, thinking about our baby and what I needed to do to keep myself on the right road. I thought about Edward and the different spots in our lives when I could have changed things and what I should have done. Jasper and I talk about things like that, he says that it helps to review those things, not so that I will beat myself up about the fuck ups but so that I will see them and recognize them so that the next time they come up I know how to make the right decision.

I look over at the new outfit that hangs on the back of my bedroom door. Alice took me shopping and I bought it using my money. Alice is a great shopper and she found this great outfit at the thrift store for next to nothing, so little in fact that I now own some new shoes to match it as well. It is me, well the new me anyway. I think of the friendship between Jasper, Alice and myself. I can't begin to say how many ways they have helped save me. Between them and Esme and Carlisle I am almost normal. My mom used to say over and over, "God don't give a shit about me or I wouldn't be where I am today." Well I would have to disagree with her, I am where I am today because God does in fact give a shit. I know that God would not have saved me over and over again without having something special in mind for me, so I turn over and go to sleep with the knowledge that I really am special to someone, more than one someone in fact.


Playlist:Dare you to Move-Switchfoot, With a Little help from my friends- by any artist you want but I do so love me some Casey Abrams from American Idol, Learning to Live- Beth Hart, If I ain't got you- Maroon 5, It Was- Chely Wright

LTWYL-Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Bella

I sat on the bed holding the letter that Edward had sent me. This wasn't the first letter that he had sent, but the rest had either been postcards or small one page letters. This envelope was thick. Something told me that this letter was more than the rest and that was the only reason that this was the first one I contemplated opening. Maybe that meant I was turning a corner. Maybe my anger had begun to subside. I sat for almost two hours thinking over our life together and what I wanted from us. I gave up thinking about it and just opened the letter. I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for this, but I also knew that if I kept putting it off then I would never open any of them. I needed to hear what he had to say, I needed to know what he was thinking. I needed to know his thoughts on where we stood and what he wanted from me. I wasn't ready to run back to him but I wasn't completely ready to call it quits either, if only because I had a child to think about now. I knew that I was certainly on my way to getting my head on straight and knowing what I wanted/needed to do but knowing where he was stood could help me decide exactly what path I needed to take. I held my lip between my teeth and thought of Edward's reaction whenever I did that, he always said, 'Bella that is my lip, you aren't allowed to chew it off. Now let it go.' I smiled at the thought of his carefree ways on those rare days when it was just him and I and we were both sober.

That seemed to be the biggest thing between us.

The pills, alcohol and the crazy shit we both did when we were under the influence of them. I let go of a deep sigh and pulled the pages from the envelope.

Dear Bella,

I know you're not talking to me, and as hard as that is for me, I understand why and I am ok with that. I honestly don't blame you, I mean I tried to fucking kill us both. That wasn't my intention at the time but seriously that is what would have fucking happened if you had not been smart enough to run away from me. I can't even tell you how damn proud I am of you for that. For having the guts to just run away from fucking everything. I have never been that strong. I stayed no matter how many times it was shown to me that it would never be different. I stayed, don't know if that makes me loyal or stupid, guess it's a little of both.

I know that I don't have the right to tell you this but I still love you.

I think that I have always loved you; from the first time I laid eyes on you in that sexy silky top you wore. I watched you across the room for so long and watched your beautiful face laughing. I knew right then that I had to be with you. At first it was a physical thing, I wanted to fuck you hard against a wall, but the more time that went by and the more I got to know you, the more that I realized it was more than that. Do you know what I miss the most about being with you? I miss waking up and watching you sleep. You always looked so peaceful when you slept, like nothing was ever bothering you, like no one had ever hurt you. Of course, I also loved the days we would stay in bed and fuck like rabbits. I just loved being inside of you, I felt perfect, at peace, at home then.

I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry that I'm a fucked up mess and can't make a decent life for us. I'm sorry that we fell in love and I let you down. I'm just… so sorry. I tried to tell myself that it would be better for me to leave you, to spare you. I knew that I would make a mess of you. You had so much potential and I ruined it all. I know that I only confirmed what you had always thought about those around you. I mean seriously how many times have you told me that each and every person that you knew was out for themselves, none of them cared about you first and foremost. And guess what? I turned out to be no better than any of those people, your family, your so called friends that you bitched about, I turned out to be just like them. I promise that my intentions were honest. God Bella, you deserve so much better than that, you deserve a beautiful home and life that you could be proud of. I wanted to give you that, I swear, I still wish that I could. I wanted you to be able to stand and look all of those motherfuckers in the eye that doubted you. I wanted you to get your chance to tell them to kiss your ass.

I'm trying in here. I don't know if that means anything to you, but I really am trying. I have counseling sessions twice a week, one personal and one group. The cocky kid in me wants to tell them to fuck off and leave but the man I'm trying to become stays and tries to participate. I try to absorb all the info that the therapist tells us. In my one on one session's my therapist and I work on my anger issues. I know that really was the cause of all of the arguments and of course the fire. Some days I feel like I'm getting it and others are just as shitty as when I was walking free. Those are the hard days in here. The days when I feel like crap. Like I'm going nowhere. I don't see the point in it all and it is hard to stay strong on those days. My mother, God bless her, she always seems to know when I am having one of those days because that's usually when I get a letter from her reminding me that I should call her. By the time I'm off the phone with her I feel better. She has really helped a lot too. She talks to me like I'm there with her in the kitchen while she cooks. Now don't get me wrong she doesn't pussy foot around anything, she tells me how much I fucked up, but at the same time she makes me realize that she still loves me despite my mistakes.

I actually got a letter from the little girl that lived next door to us, the other day. She has had several operations and her arm is doing better. Her name is Jane. She is in the third grade. She told me about reading Old Yeller for her English class. I wrote her back. It was the hardest thing I have ever done Bella. I know that my superficial pain is nothing compared to her but God that hurt like hell. I can't imagine the shit she will go through with those scars. I mean I keep thinking about the first time she tries to fool around with a guy. I know that sounds like a perverted thought but will the asshole that she chooses to date will he be understanding enough to not make fun of her? I mean that is such a scary time anyway and to add a whole other level to it. I fucked her up, Bella, me. I did that to her, and not just her either; I fucked you and everyone else that knows me up too. FUCK!

I hope you don't mind that I ask my mom about you. I know that you aren't ready to talk to me and that's okay but I really hope that it is okay for her to tell me how you're doing. I need to know that you are doing okay. That is the one thing that will push me over the edge to not know about you. So please tell her that she can continue to give me updates on you, I have to know how you're doing. I worry about you so much and I can't…I just can't even think straight without knowing that you are at least holding strong. I understand if it isn't okay with you, my mom said she wouldn't be able to keep giving me updates if it isn't I just hope that you won't take that away from me.

Life here is okay, well as okay as it can be. The bed's not all that comfortable but I guess you can't ask for everything. The food is surprisingly decent. Well…decent enough. After Esme's cooking you kinda get spoiled and nothing will ever compare to that again. Oh and I have started working out, well I call it working out but really it is part of my anger management therapy. I go into the gym here and work out with a trainer for several hours a week. He allows me to get my anger out in a safe way. I thought it was bullshit but after several weeks of doing it, I really think it helps. That's when I think of what I did to you and Jane, when I can safely channel those things out of me. I also have a journal that I write in. Funny, I know but it is part of therapy as well. The therapist said she doesn't care what I write as long as I write. It has to be personal feelings. I suck at it but I'm doing it so I guess that is progress.

I've started working towards earning my GED. The librarian said as soon as I take the test and pass it I can start taking some college courses. Who knows I may step out of here a college graduate. Who would have ever thought that, huh?

Mom tells me that you're staying with them. I'm glad to hear that. I was worried about where you'd go. I didn't want you back at Jessica's or anywhere near that group again. I know that is so hypocritical for me to say that but still; they were a bunch of fucking leeches, they took and took until you were bled dry then they moved on. Besides the lifestyle that they led, that we led is not healthy. It only leads us down the same road over and over again. That road leads nowhere at all. Trust me I see the end of that road each and every night when I lay down to sleep. I can't stand the thought of you here in my place. You deserve more than that. I pray that you get more than that.

If you don't want to write back that's okay. I understand but if you don't mind I'd like to keep writing to you. In all my crazy fucked up ways of showing it, I really do still love you. I know eventually that you might find a need to move on and I don't know how I feel about that. I guess we will deal with that when the time comes but for now, please, Bella, let me be a part of your life; even if it's only through my mom and these letters. You are welcome to write me, whenever you want, or you could come see me, I can even call you, we can set up a time and I will call and we can talk; of course I will be patient if you need more time.

I hope I haven't fucked this up too badly. I still love you, please be safe, you always were the one pure thing in my life.

I love you baby,

Edward

I folded the letter and put it in the box that I had with a few mementoes of my life. The few things that I actually had in life that were worth saving and remembering.

I had the hairclips that my mom bought me the time we went to the shore and spent the day there. We ate corndogs and cotton candy. I don't know if she was drunk that day or not but it was a good memory so I choose to pretend that she wasn't.

I have the only picture of my dad that my mom didn't destroy; he looks so good in it. It is his high school graduation picture. They were young when they met and fell in love. My mom was still in high school even. She dropped out to have me. She never went back, said she couldn't deal with the looks of pity or judgment from the other students that were doing the same things she was doing, she just got caught.

I also had a few mementoes from my time with Edward; actually it is really a rather shitty showing of my life with him if I were to be honest with myself. All the time with him and I could only show it's worth in two movie tickets, one concert stub for Kings of Leon and a stuffed animal he won at the fair for me.

I heard Esme talking to Carlisle as they came up the stairs, so I closed the box up and decided to think about a reply later. Besides I did have to get to work soon.

After I got my shit together and finished with the detox process, the Family Dollar let me come back to work. I had two people to concentrate on now; I needed as much money as I could save for us. I was determined to take great care of my baby; our baby, I never really ever wanted to think about it being mine alone, I always thought of this baby as ours. It was just so easy to say mine since Edward was not around. I really did want him to be here with me, the longer I was pregnant the more I missed him. I just want to curl up beside him and tell him everything in my mind and talk with him. Before all of this happened we could spend the whole day talking, on those good days we shared that is. That is one of the things that I missed the most.


Playlist: Aftermath- Adam Lambert, You Lost Me- Christina Aguilera, The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script, Grenade- Bruno Mars, Lifeline- Papa Roach