Chapter 4
Bella
I sat on the bed holding the letter that Edward had sent me. This wasn't the first letter that he had sent, but the rest had either been postcards or small one page letters. This envelope was thick. Something told me that this letter was more than the rest and that was the only reason that this was the first one I contemplated opening. Maybe that meant I was turning a corner. Maybe my anger had begun to subside. I sat for almost two hours thinking over our life together and what I wanted from us. I gave up thinking about it and just opened the letter. I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for this, but I also knew that if I kept putting it off then I would never open any of them. I needed to hear what he had to say, I needed to know what he was thinking. I needed to know his thoughts on where we stood and what he wanted from me. I wasn't ready to run back to him but I wasn't completely ready to call it quits either, if only because I had a child to think about now. I knew that I was certainly on my way to getting my head on straight and knowing what I wanted/needed to do but knowing where he was stood could help me decide exactly what path I needed to take. I held my lip between my teeth and thought of Edward's reaction whenever I did that, he always said, 'Bella that is my lip, you aren't allowed to chew it off. Now let it go.' I smiled at the thought of his carefree ways on those rare days when it was just him and I and we were both sober.
That seemed to be the biggest thing between us.
The pills, alcohol and the crazy shit we both did when we were under the influence of them. I let go of a deep sigh and pulled the pages from the envelope.
Dear Bella,
I know you're not talking to me, and as hard as that is for me, I understand why and I am ok with that. I honestly don't blame you, I mean I tried to fucking kill us both. That wasn't my intention at the time but seriously that is what would have fucking happened if you had not been smart enough to run away from me. I can't even tell you how damn proud I am of you for that. For having the guts to just run away from fucking everything. I have never been that strong. I stayed no matter how many times it was shown to me that it would never be different. I stayed, don't know if that makes me loyal or stupid, guess it's a little of both.
I know that I don't have the right to tell you this but I still love you.
I think that I have always loved you; from the first time I laid eyes on you in that sexy silky top you wore. I watched you across the room for so long and watched your beautiful face laughing. I knew right then that I had to be with you. At first it was a physical thing, I wanted to fuck you hard against a wall, but the more time that went by and the more I got to know you, the more that I realized it was more than that. Do you know what I miss the most about being with you? I miss waking up and watching you sleep. You always looked so peaceful when you slept, like nothing was ever bothering you, like no one had ever hurt you. Of course, I also loved the days we would stay in bed and fuck like rabbits. I just loved being inside of you, I felt perfect, at peace, at home then.
I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry that I'm a fucked up mess and can't make a decent life for us. I'm sorry that we fell in love and I let you down. I'm just… so sorry. I tried to tell myself that it would be better for me to leave you, to spare you. I knew that I would make a mess of you. You had so much potential and I ruined it all. I know that I only confirmed what you had always thought about those around you. I mean seriously how many times have you told me that each and every person that you knew was out for themselves, none of them cared about you first and foremost. And guess what? I turned out to be no better than any of those people, your family, your so called friends that you bitched about, I turned out to be just like them. I promise that my intentions were honest. God Bella, you deserve so much better than that, you deserve a beautiful home and life that you could be proud of. I wanted to give you that, I swear, I still wish that I could. I wanted you to be able to stand and look all of those motherfuckers in the eye that doubted you. I wanted you to get your chance to tell them to kiss your ass.
I'm trying in here. I don't know if that means anything to you, but I really am trying. I have counseling sessions twice a week, one personal and one group. The cocky kid in me wants to tell them to fuck off and leave but the man I'm trying to become stays and tries to participate. I try to absorb all the info that the therapist tells us. In my one on one session's my therapist and I work on my anger issues. I know that really was the cause of all of the arguments and of course the fire. Some days I feel like I'm getting it and others are just as shitty as when I was walking free. Those are the hard days in here. The days when I feel like crap. Like I'm going nowhere. I don't see the point in it all and it is hard to stay strong on those days. My mother, God bless her, she always seems to know when I am having one of those days because that's usually when I get a letter from her reminding me that I should call her. By the time I'm off the phone with her I feel better. She has really helped a lot too. She talks to me like I'm there with her in the kitchen while she cooks. Now don't get me wrong she doesn't pussy foot around anything, she tells me how much I fucked up, but at the same time she makes me realize that she still loves me despite my mistakes.
I actually got a letter from the little girl that lived next door to us, the other day. She has had several operations and her arm is doing better. Her name is Jane. She is in the third grade. She told me about reading Old Yeller for her English class. I wrote her back. It was the hardest thing I have ever done Bella. I know that my superficial pain is nothing compared to her but God that hurt like hell. I can't imagine the shit she will go through with those scars. I mean I keep thinking about the first time she tries to fool around with a guy. I know that sounds like a perverted thought but will the asshole that she chooses to date will he be understanding enough to not make fun of her? I mean that is such a scary time anyway and to add a whole other level to it. I fucked her up, Bella, me. I did that to her, and not just her either; I fucked you and everyone else that knows me up too. FUCK!
I hope you don't mind that I ask my mom about you. I know that you aren't ready to talk to me and that's okay but I really hope that it is okay for her to tell me how you're doing. I need to know that you are doing okay. That is the one thing that will push me over the edge to not know about you. So please tell her that she can continue to give me updates on you, I have to know how you're doing. I worry about you so much and I can't…I just can't even think straight without knowing that you are at least holding strong. I understand if it isn't okay with you, my mom said she wouldn't be able to keep giving me updates if it isn't I just hope that you won't take that away from me.
Life here is okay, well as okay as it can be. The bed's not all that comfortable but I guess you can't ask for everything. The food is surprisingly decent. Well…decent enough. After Esme's cooking you kinda get spoiled and nothing will ever compare to that again. Oh and I have started working out, well I call it working out but really it is part of my anger management therapy. I go into the gym here and work out with a trainer for several hours a week. He allows me to get my anger out in a safe way. I thought it was bullshit but after several weeks of doing it, I really think it helps. That's when I think of what I did to you and Jane, when I can safely channel those things out of me. I also have a journal that I write in. Funny, I know but it is part of therapy as well. The therapist said she doesn't care what I write as long as I write. It has to be personal feelings. I suck at it but I'm doing it so I guess that is progress.
I've started working towards earning my GED. The librarian said as soon as I take the test and pass it I can start taking some college courses. Who knows I may step out of here a college graduate. Who would have ever thought that, huh?
Mom tells me that you're staying with them. I'm glad to hear that. I was worried about where you'd go. I didn't want you back at Jessica's or anywhere near that group again. I know that is so hypocritical for me to say that but still; they were a bunch of fucking leeches, they took and took until you were bled dry then they moved on. Besides the lifestyle that they led, that we led is not healthy. It only leads us down the same road over and over again. That road leads nowhere at all. Trust me I see the end of that road each and every night when I lay down to sleep. I can't stand the thought of you here in my place. You deserve more than that. I pray that you get more than that.
If you don't want to write back that's okay. I understand but if you don't mind I'd like to keep writing to you. In all my crazy fucked up ways of showing it, I really do still love you. I know eventually that you might find a need to move on and I don't know how I feel about that. I guess we will deal with that when the time comes but for now, please, Bella, let me be a part of your life; even if it's only through my mom and these letters. You are welcome to write me, whenever you want, or you could come see me, I can even call you, we can set up a time and I will call and we can talk; of course I will be patient if you need more time.
I hope I haven't fucked this up too badly. I still love you, please be safe, you always were the one pure thing in my life.
I love you baby,
Edward
I folded the letter and put it in the box that I had with a few mementoes of my life. The few things that I actually had in life that were worth saving and remembering.
I had the hairclips that my mom bought me the time we went to the shore and spent the day there. We ate corndogs and cotton candy. I don't know if she was drunk that day or not but it was a good memory so I choose to pretend that she wasn't.
I have the only picture of my dad that my mom didn't destroy; he looks so good in it. It is his high school graduation picture. They were young when they met and fell in love. My mom was still in high school even. She dropped out to have me. She never went back, said she couldn't deal with the looks of pity or judgment from the other students that were doing the same things she was doing, she just got caught.
I also had a few mementoes from my time with Edward; actually it is really a rather shitty showing of my life with him if I were to be honest with myself. All the time with him and I could only show it's worth in two movie tickets, one concert stub for Kings of Leon and a stuffed animal he won at the fair for me.
I heard Esme talking to Carlisle as they came up the stairs, so I closed the box up and decided to think about a reply later. Besides I did have to get to work soon.
After I got my shit together and finished with the detox process, the Family Dollar let me come back to work. I had two people to concentrate on now; I needed as much money as I could save for us. I was determined to take great care of my baby; our baby, I never really ever wanted to think about it being mine alone, I always thought of this baby as ours. It was just so easy to say mine since Edward was not around. I really did want him to be here with me, the longer I was pregnant the more I missed him. I just want to curl up beside him and tell him everything in my mind and talk with him. Before all of this happened we could spend the whole day talking, on those good days we shared that is. That is one of the things that I missed the most.
Playlist: Aftermath- Adam Lambert, You Lost Me- Christina Aguilera, The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script, Grenade- Bruno Mars, Lifeline- Papa Roach
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