LTWYL- Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Bella

After thinking about some of the things that Edward had said in his letter I decide to take one of his ideas and run with it.. I decided that attending group meetings at the Y wouldn't be such a bad idea; I mean seriously, what did I have to lose anyway? I found that the more I go the more I like the therapist, Jasper; I like his laid back and mellow demeanor. He doesn't make you think that he is judging you for what you say or feel. In fact he makes you feel like what you feel or say is the most natural thing in the world. I like it. For once I feel like it's okay to be me. I feel buoyed by the lightness that I always seem to embrace after each group session.

In fact after one of the group sessions I was feeling so light that I stopped at the front steps of the tech school on my way by. I had never finished high school, at the time I had too many other more important things to do; but now, for some reason it seems like it was a mistake to ever stop going. Like going back is one of the steps for getting my life back in order. So I hesitantly took the steps one at a time, never looking up to meet anyone's gaze. I didn't want the judgment from them, but I knew that I did want to do better my life and the life of my baby so I knew I had to keep going.

I made my way inside and asked to speak to someone that could help me enroll in some classes. A tall lady stepped out, looking me over once and waving a hand for me to follow her. I sat where she told me to sit and I waited for her to ask me what it was that I needed help with, but she kept fiddling around with her computer instead. Finally, after several minutes she looked back up at me and said, "So, what do you need help with?"

I pushed my hair back behind my ear and began to stammer. At that moment I knew that this was why I wanted out, I wanted to feel like I'm as important as everyone else. I wanted to feel like I had the right to stand up to people like her and tell them to kiss my ass when they talk down to me. Her attitude really just gave me the resolve to do this. "I want to enroll in classes." I replied as I met her eyes.

"Well, honey, I know that much. Which classes do you want to take?" She snapped her gum in her mouth she was in high school.

"I don't know. I'm not really sure what I want to do." My resolve weakening under her constant glare.

"Have you taken classes before? What was your course study then?" She asked.

"I haven't taken any before." I stammered.

She sighed a long annoyed sigh; she obviously had better things to do. I heard the ding of her IM program every few seconds, I guess I was interrupting her chat with her friends. "Where did you graduate? Maybe I can look up your transcripts and get you started." Two more dings.

"I uh…I didn't." Feeling smaller than ever.

"Well, honey, you can't take college courses or even tech school courses if you didn't graduate from high school. You need to go back and finish that first." She stood up and walked toward the door of her office and opened it to dismiss me from her presence. I heard her mumbling about stupid teenagers as she walked away.

I slunk out of her office and made my way back towards the Y to catch my bus home since I didn't have to work, and literally ran into Jasper as he descended the steps, obviously trying to catch the same bus as me.

"Sorry." I spoke to the sidewalk since I was too embarrassed about my life to actually speak to him.

"Hey, Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there." He murmured as he pulled his bus pass from his messenger bag. He waved his hand in front of him to allow me first access to the bus. I stepped up and waved my pass along the scanner and took a seat, Jasper joined me. Well actually he sat facing me across the aisle. It felt nice to know that someone didn't assume anything about me and was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. It was a very gentlemanly gesture. "So, you gonna spill or do I have to pull it out of you?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Just a long day that's all." I pulled at the loose threads on my worn out purse.

"Bella, I saw you less than 40 minutes ago and you were walking on cloud nine, now you are looking like you ran over a herd of kittens. What gives?"

I smiled at him and suddenly the words rushed out of my mouth. I told him about dropping out of school, about my agenda at the ripe old age of 15 and how school wasn't important to me then. I even told him a lot about Edward, and about his goals to get his life in order. Jasper scooted over to the seat beside me as I talked about Edward. I really appreciated it - I wasn't ashamed of Edward, but at the same time I didn't want to yell it out for the whole bus to hear either. I told him about being pregnant and looking for a way to accomplish the same goal that Edward had. I spoke about the lightness I felt after the group session and the horrors of asking about school. By the end I was crying for all the things I was afraid that I would never accomplish at all. Jasper's hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back and talking softly to me. He pulled his cell out of the front pocket of his jeans and made a call.

"Hey baby. Are you busy?" His southern drawl came out for this particular person and it struck me that she must be the love of his life that he has sometimes mentioned. The one person that he allowed all the walls to drop for showing her the real him. I pushed aside the longing for Edward and listened to Jasper talking. "I have a friend that I am going to bring by your office, think you can help her?" He paused and I heard a flurry of talking on the other end but couldn't make out the individual words that she used. It was too rushed. "Okay, love, see you in a few minutes." He flipped the phone closed and turned back to me. "You have a few extra minutes?" I simply nodded at him.

Two stops later we were back at the same steps. The same site that I suffered my humiliation earlier today. I pulled away from his hand on my elbow and stood gaping at him. I couldn't go back in there, ever! I wasn't stupid enough to force myself to undergo that same humiliation twice in one day, actually twice at all.

"Come on Bella, trust me." The pleading in my eyes made him stop and step closer to me. "Trust me, we are going to see Alice and she will fix you up. You deserve every one of those dreams you told me about on the bus and so much more. Don't you think this is scary for Edward as well? He has to do this shit alone, you have friends; let us help you. I promise you will love Alice, I do." He smirked and I couldn't help myself, I smiled at him as well.

We made our way through the front door, past the receptionist and down the same hall. Before I could protest again a small ball of energy came running towards us down the long hallway. She jumped and flew into Jasper's arms, they both laughed and kissed. I took a moment to look over Jasper's Alice. She was beautiful. Short, well dressed and her face radiated kindness.

Exactly one hour after I made my way into the office, Alice had me enrolled in GED courses and a few photography classes. Jasper was right, I loved her. She was kind and infectious. I couldn't help but spill my guts to her about so much of what went on in my life. She listened and asked questions and I kept spilling. By the time we were done she was wrapped in her coat and she followed Jasper and I back out to the bus stop.

"Come eat some dinner with us Bella." She grabbed my hand and held it pleadingly as she asked.

"Sure, let me just call Esme so she won't worry." I pulled out my pay as you go cell and dialed her. "Hey Carlisle is Esme there?" I waited while he called her. It made me smile that I could tell you exactly what was going on in the house without even being there. Carlisle was watching the news with his belt undone and his boots beside the chair he sat in. Esme was cooking dinner. Pops was doing a crossword and Grams sat on the porch with her friends talking.

"Bella, is that you? You scared me I expected you about two hours ago." She spoke softly but I could hear the worry in her voice. Regret washed through me. I knew she would never say so but I could see the worry pass over her face each time I wasn't home exactly when I said I would be and knew that she was scared that I had sunk back into my old ways.

"Sorry, Esme. I didn't mean to worry you. I decided to stop off at the tech school. Guess what?" Excitement poured out of my mouth.

"What?" The excitement must have been contagious because Esme sounded just was worked up as I felt.

"I'm enrolled in my GED classes as well as two for photograph."

"Bella that is amazing." She shouted before I even finished the sentence. I heard her telling Carlisle my good news and his congratulations as well.

"We can talk more about it and I'll show you all of the info when I get home. I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm going to go and grab a bite to eat with two of my friends, okay?" I bit my lip waiting for her answer like I was five and needed permission.

"Uh, okay." I could hear the doubt so I rushed to explain.

"I'll be with Jasper and his wife Alice. Jasper leads the group sessions and Alice works at Tech. She actually helped me get into the classes. We were going to celebrate. I shouldn't be gone long, I'm kinda tired."

Esme's entire demeanor changed as she took in what I said. "Oh, that's fine dear. Don't walk home, if you need me to come and pick you up I can."

"I'm fine, I'll take a cab." We exchanged goodnights and I dropped the phone back into my bag.

When I got home I changed into my pajamas and dropped into bed, more tired than I had been in a long time; but even the bone deep weariness didn't distract from happiness that I felt. For once in my life I had a normal night out with normal friends. It didn't involve any drugs, or cops running someone down and hauling them off to jail. I was beyond words.

I lay in bed and looked over the brochures that Alice gave me about the school before I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning when I made my way down the hall to the bathroom I heard Esme at the bottom of the stairs talking. She had to have been talking to Edward; her tone was always softer and soothing when she spoke to him. I knew she tried her best to assure him that things would in fact work out for all of us. Some days I was sure she was right, but others not so much.

I quietly walked down the stairs and sat down to listen to her for a few minutes. I knew that I had to tell Edward about the baby. I knew he deserved to know and to be honest I really didn't have a good reason for not telling him before now. I knew that I had to do it today; if I put it off any longer then I would keep chickening out and not tell him at all, I would end up leaving it to Esme and she didn't deserve that after all the stuff she had already done for me. So, I stood up and made my way to her. I held out my hand and waited for her to realize what I was asking for. This would be the first time I had spoke to Edward since that night and that was another hurdle that I needed to just get over as well.

"Hold on Edward, Bella wants to talk to you." I could hear Edward talking to her still as she held the phone out to me.

"Hey." I said to him.

"Hey." He replied back to me. I turned my back to Esme and tried to hunch my shoulders around to give myself a bubble of privacy. Esme's heels clicked across the floor and I heard the screen door slap close as she gave me the privacy I needed to do this.

"I uh, I have something to tell you." I stammered.

"Shit, uh okay." I heard him drop into a chair, bench or something.

"I'm pregnant." I muttered, not exactly sure if Edward would feel the way that Carlisle assured me he would.

"Really?" He sounded dumbfounded.

"Yeah I went to the doctor because I was sick a lot and your mom was starting to get worried." I ran a hand through my hair and almost laughed at the Edward gesture. "I just thought it was cause I was detoxing, you know but she was sure it was more. Well…she was right. I'm due in six months, April 14th." I ended. Edward still had not uttered another word. "I know that you can't be here or anything with what's going on and all so I don't want you to feel guilty or anything. I mean I know that we never really talked about kids and I don't know how you feel about them so this is my thing okay?" I huffed a deep breath out. "You don't have to do anything, I just wanted you to know."

"I don't have to do anything? Bella that's my baby, what do you mean I don't have to do anything? Are you kidding me?" I could hear the deep inhale that let me know he had lit a cigarette. "Baby, I know that we fucked up, I fucked up but I still love you and this is our baby. Not yours alone. I can't do shit right now but I swear as soon as I'm out of here I will be there to help you out." He went silent and I heard the puffs before he spoke again. "You haven't met anyone else have you? I mean if you have then that's okay but please at least promise me that I can see my child." He sounded broken, softer, and gentler than he ever had. I really had no idea that he would even care, I mean I know he's not a complete asshole but I just didn't see kids fitting into his future. I mean he fixed cars and dealt drugs for a living, not exactly the kind of environment that you bring a baby into.

"No! I haven't met anyone else." I wasn't sure if I should be admitting this or not but I couldn't stop myself. "I still love you too." His intake of breath proved to me how surprised that he was that I would admit it as well. "I just don't want you to feel guilty that you can't be here, that's all. I know how you are." He chuckled.

"Yeah, I already feel some guilt for it. So, how do you feel? Are you taking care of yourself?"

"As much as I can. I still feel sick a lot but the doctor gave me some tips and all to try to keep it to a minimum. I guess I'm good. What about you?"

"I uh…well, did you get my letter?" His uncertainty scared the hell out of me, it made me worry that what we had, the good parts of what we had, we would never get back. That now we were reduced to awkward talking like ex's.

"Yeah, I got it. You sound good. I'm proud of you for what you're doing."

"Bella, I swear to God that I will make this right. I can't lose you, please." I heard what I assumed were tears in his voice, the Edward I knew would never have cried so it was hard for me to tell.

"Edward." I started and realized that I couldn't promise him anything other than the fact that I would try. "I'll try that's all I can promise right now. We both need so much and have to do so much, that I can't promise more than that." It sounded weak even to my own ears but it was really all I could give.

"That's enough Bella. That's enough. I love you Baby." I heard the tears again.

"I love you too Edward." I tapped Esme on the shoulder as she stood at the sink and when she turned I handed her the phone and ran. I locked myself in the bathroom and showered. I dressed and fixed my hair for work. The whole time shutting out the talk that I had with Edward. I couldn't think about that now, I had to go to work and it wouldn't look good for me to walk in a blubbering mess.

I called Alice on the way home and chatted with her, and then I ate dinner and made my way back to bed. I was starting classes in the morning and needed my rest.

I pulled out the letter from Edward and read it again. When I had read it several times, I felt strong enough to write him back.

Dear Edward,

I don't even know how to start this. We are in such a strange place right now. How do we get back to normal? I really don't know. I don't even know if I want us back to normal, cause let's be honest, normal was a shithole full of drugs and booze and I hope that neither of us want that back. As for you being stupid or loyal? Well I think that you refused to give up and that makes you honorable.

Hearing I love you from you today felt so good. I don't know if that helps or hurts us to say it but it still thrills my heart to hear it from you, hope that helps; and while I do still love you, I am so fucking pissed at you. Pissed at you for a lot of things, like cheating on me for one but more then that I am pissed at you for snapping and almost killing us. Looking back though and looking at where we are now, how much better off we are now and I wonder if I should even be pissed off about that at all. Does that make sense? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, so good luck figuring it out.

You say that you don't feel like you are good enough for me, funny because I feel the same way. I feel like I should have been strong enough to pull us both out of the pits and make us better people. Instead I asked for pills and just fed your need to be a part of that circle. I enabled you! That makes me not good enough for you. I know, I know, we are going to argue this point till we're both blue in the face so I will let it go, but remember this just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean that I don't still feel those things.

I was so proud to hear all of the accomplishments that you have made. I too, have started going to group therapy at the Y. It was part of an AA or NA or something but I liked it so I kept going. Jasper, the leader, is so laid back that you don't feel wrong when you say how you feel or the things you have done. The judgment is not there and you feel safe spilling things. I have met his wife as well, she has become my best friend. Alice is her name; she is a spit fire that's for sure. She was dropping me off one afternoon when Rose and Emmett were coming over and apparently Rose went to high school with her. They talked a little.

Speaking of Emmett and Rose, Em is asking about trying to come and see you. I know that you two have some bad blood but I think that it might be a good idea to let him. He really seemed to take it hard that you were gone. That's just my opinion and all, do with it what you want.

Jasper and I have been talking about my past a lot. I see a lot of the mistakes now, both mine and other peoples. Mostly other peoples but still lots of my own. He's helped me see that I need to forgive them and myself. I need to realize that to move forward I can't keep looking back.

I have to be honest that I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was pregnant. But the longer I live with it the more excited I become. I'm not foolish enough to think it will be easy given our circumstances. Still part of me thinks this might be my chance to really get something right from the start and not fuck it up. At least I hope and pray that I don't fuck it up. I can't stand the thought of our child going through half of what I went through. It burns deep in my chest when I think of that. Your mom says that is the love that has already taken over me. I guess she's right, I don't know. I do know this. I can't stand the thought of not being pregnant anymore, that is for sure.

I start school tomorrow and I am so scared. It just seems like such a big hill to climb and while I know it will be worth it is still scary.

I don't want you to stop writing me. I know that I haven't talked much to you. Well actually at all until today but still, please don't stop writing me. I promise I am working on trying to get my shit together as well and it just may take me a little while. But it helps to know how you are and what you are feeling. So please keep writing.

I do love you!

Bella

I folded the letter up, slid it into the envelope, and wrote Edward's name and address on the outside. I walked it down the stairs and handed it to Esme. "Will you please get me a stamp for this tomorrow when you take yours in?" She smiles and nods.

When I was back in my room I started thinking about my life, thinking about our baby and what I needed to do to keep myself on the right road. I thought about Edward and the different spots in our lives when I could have changed things and what I should have done. Jasper and I talk about things like that, he says that it helps to review those things, not so that I will beat myself up about the fuck ups but so that I will see them and recognize them so that the next time they come up I know how to make the right decision.

I look over at the new outfit that hangs on the back of my bedroom door. Alice took me shopping and I bought it using my money. Alice is a great shopper and she found this great outfit at the thrift store for next to nothing, so little in fact that I now own some new shoes to match it as well. It is me, well the new me anyway. I think of the friendship between Jasper, Alice and myself. I can't begin to say how many ways they have helped save me. Between them and Esme and Carlisle I am almost normal. My mom used to say over and over, "God don't give a shit about me or I wouldn't be where I am today." Well I would have to disagree with her, I am where I am today because God does in fact give a shit. I know that God would not have saved me over and over again without having something special in mind for me, so I turn over and go to sleep with the knowledge that I really am special to someone, more than one someone in fact.

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Playlist:Dare you to Move-Switchfoot, With a Little help from my friends- by any artist you want but I do so love me some Casey Abrams from American Idol, Learning to Live- Beth Hart, If I ain't got you- Maroon 5, It Was- Chely Wright