Bella
Jasper called to invite me over to their house for dinner for Alice's birthday. He is throwing her a big surprise party the next weekend but if he doesn't do something on the night of her birthday he knows that she will be suspicious. He begged, so I had to agree to go.
When I got to their house it was just Alice, Jasper and I. I was grateful that it was just the three of us. I was afraid that he would have invited Peter and Charlotte, who are great, and Maria who truth be told seems to me to be a real prize. Every time I see her, she is always bitchy and never happy about anything. I asked Alice about it one day and she explained that Maria used to date Jasper when they first started college together. Jasper realized right away that they weren't meant to be, but Maria had a hard time accepting it. Jasper broke things off, but being that they both were from a small town in Texas it's hard to really get some distance. Jasper was great as a friend, but Maria never really seemed to be able to bridge that gap. I was still curious about their relationship and the issues that Maria seems to have, so when Jasper left to go and pick up the take-out, I asked Alice about it again.
"Hey, can I ask you a question?" I took the juice she handed me in a wine glass and went to sit on the couch. Alice followed with real wine in her wine glass.
"Sure." She sipped the wine and closed her eyes in appreciation. When she opened them again they were focused right on me.
"How can you stand to be friends with Maria knowing about her past with Jasper?" I sipped my juice because to ask it aloud seemed so petty of me for wanting to know.
"Well, it's simple. I'm not friends with Maria because of Maria. I'm friends with her because of Jasper." Her explanation certainly sounded simple enough, but I still wasn't sure I was with her on it.
"I still don't get it." I sipped again, really wishing that I could have the wine. Alice smiled at me, the slight tilt of her smile told me that she understood the want and sympathized.
"I love Jasper, and where he is from, friends mean everything. The town is so small that there wasn't a lot to do, so you hung out with friends. All of his memories involve Peter, Charlotte, Maria and a few others. I could never ask him to sever those ties for me because of silly pettiness." Alice's wisdom seemed to wash over me and shake my entire frame.
"So, you do it because it's important to him and you love him?" I wanted to be so trusting of a person, but I just couldn't yet. As Edward said in his letter, every single person that had been in involved in my life up to the fire had betrayed me in some form or fashion.
"Yes, plain and simple."
I leaned up and sat my glass down on the coffee table. I needed to hear more. "Does her snarky attitude not drive you insane?"
"Of course it does, but it drives Charlotte mad as well. She's a bitch but she's Jasper's friend, so I let him set the rules as far as she goes. Now, if she ever crosses the line, then I may step in, but so far…" She held her hands up as her voice let the sentence hang in the air.
"What would you do if she does cross the line?" I asked, leaning in closer to her.
"Bella, I get the feeling we aren't talking about Jasper and Maria, are we?" Alice set her glass down beside mine and sat back up to face me. She took my hands in hers and held them while I tried to collect myself enough to answer her.
I couldn't form words, so I simply shook my head. A few tears and several deep breaths later, I was ready to answer her. "I tried so hard to trust him, to know that he loved me and wouldn't do any of those things that the rumors said he did, but I just couldn't. I feel so childish for not being able to do that." I squeezed her hand.
I had never had a friend as close as Alice; I guess she was my BFF. I almost chuckled at the thought but held it in. She certainly seemed to pull the info out of me better than any other person I knew, except maybe Jasper.
"Darlin', you and I are worlds apart in things here." Alice adopted Jasper's southern drawl when she addressed me. "I was raised in a home where people loved each other and told them daily. I was fed, clothed, and supported." She leaned back and raised my chin slightly with her index finger so that I was looking at her. "You were not. Just because this is easy for Jasper and me, and trust me when I say it's not always easy for us either, doesn't mean it should be for you and Edward."
Tears began to fall again. Alice dropped my hands and slid closer to me on the couch. Her tiny arms wrapped around me and she cradled my head to her shoulder. "It takes time and trust on both parts. You have to trust him to love you more than any other person on the planet, and he has to show you that trust in some way every day. It's not a one-sided thing, Bella." I nodded my head but didn't look up at her. "Edward has some issues and so do you. Once those are worked out then you two can try to work on this. Solve the bigger issues first." I chuckled at this thought. "It will come with time Bella, I promise."
Just then Jasper marched through the door, soaking wet, but the Chinese food was clearly okay. He laughed at the situation and I marveled at this free and easy-going personality. "Well ladies, looks like old man weather didn't like our choice." His eyes crinkling at the corners like Edward's did when he laughed. A small pain of loneliness shot through my heart and I gripped Alice's arms tighter.
When Jasper returned with the food and noticed our positions you could tell he was concerned, that was something that I still wasn't used to, he made sure to ask if everything was okay as he knelt down on the floor in front of us.
Alice shooed him away and responded, "Sure, can't we have a little girl time without you honing in, Mr. Whitlock?"
I chuckled and sat up further to allow Alice to move off of the couch all together.
"Well, Mrs. Whitlock, when I come home and see you with your arms wrapped around another woman, I want you two to be naked." He held his hands up in front of his body before adding. "Just sayin'." My eyes grew wide with shock and I had to admit, a little fear.
"Stop it Jasper, you're scaring the company." Alice snapped his ass with a hand towel from the kitchen and he scurried off towards the dining room to set out the food. Alice turned back to me. "Don't pay him no mind, Bella. His momma always said he was a sassy one." She leaned in closer to me. "There is no way he meant any of that, trust me." She winked and walked towards the dining room herself.
I stood and made my way in behind them, way behind them. When I stepped foot into the fully laid out table, Alice and Jasper were wrapped up in each other's arms. Their foreheads pressed together talking quietly. That was what I wanted, right there; I wanted to be able to joke, knowing that Edward could take it as a joke and then make up just because we couldn't stand any bit of animosity between us, no matter how small. It made me remember a particularly nasty argument between Edward and I one day.
Edward walked into the apartment dirty, tired and smelly. The garage didn't have air conditioning in the bays, so he was hot and smelly most days. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and plopped down on the couch. His shoes, shirt and even his pants were quickly shed and he sat in his underwear trying to cool off. "What's for dinner?" He asked without even taking his eyes off of the TV.
"Don't know." I chewed on my thumb nail. I was hoping to go out with the girls that night, but had no idea how to ask Edward. I knew that he didn't like it when I went out alone and he seemed like he had had a hard day, so that made the decision of how to ask even tougher. "What would you like?"
"I don't give a fuck, as long as it's edible that's all I care about. Damn Bella, you didn't even work today. You wouldn't think it would be so hard for you to figure out something as simple as a meal for me, when I obviously did work." He waved his dirty hands up and down his body. I almost laughed at him because sitting there in nothing but his underwear you could see exactly where his clothes stopped. Those parts were filthy and covered in grease but the rest was a pale white.
I stood up and turned towards the kitchen. "Fine, damn. I only wanted to see what you wanted." I stomped off and began to rattle pans around. I fixed him a quick meal of Hamburger Helper. Let's be honest, I wasn't Betty Crocker and we couldn't afford much more than that anyway. I dished it all into a huge bowl and took it to him. He reached up and pulled it towards him, again without looking away from the TV.
I grabbed his clothes and picked them up off of the floor. "Damn, looks like you need two women around this house to take care of you." I sassed as I walked away with his dirty clothes. I heard the bowl hit the floor, and funny enough, I heard the food inside splatter as well.
"What the fuck, Bella?" Edward roared. "What are you trying to say?" I heard him making his way into the bedroom to follow me.
"Nothing. I was just fucking joking, that's all." I threw his clothes down and tried to push past him.
"Well, it's not fucking funny. I work, I pay the bills. You sit on your ass and get high all damn day."
"Wait, I work too, asshole."
Edward laughed at this point. Threw his head back and gave a full belly laugh. "You call that shit you do work? I've been to see you at work." He spat the word work. "You sit around and read goddamn magazines all fucking day. In the air conditioning! While I sweat and roast in the hot garage. I climb under nasty ass cars to fix shit most dumb ass fuckers don't know how to. I work! You, Bella, play." He turned and walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. I heard the shower start and the curtain close as he stepped in.
I sat with tears in my eyes as he got dressed. I could tell by what he put on that he had no intentions of staying in tonight. And I could tell by his demeanor that he had no intentions of taking me with him. Part of me said that I should be thrilled, because I'd get my girls night out like I wanted. But the other half of me wanted to criticize myself for being such a bitch to him.
After Edward left, Jessica showed up and forced me to get ready. I made sure to wear something that wouldn't piss Edward off in case we ended up at the same place. I went, but I didn't have fun. I worried about what Edward was out there doing in anger. Was he with another woman? Was he off doing more drugs? Was he drinking and driving? The longer the night went on the more depressed I got, and I even tried to head home several times. Jessica promised just one more club and we would go. I gave in. I didn't really want to be there when Edward came home anyway, if he came home. When we hit the dance floor at the last club, I let it all go. I danced and enjoyed myself. Until I saw Edward sitting in a booth in the corner, watching me on the dance floor. And he wasn't alone. Lauren was with him. Rumors were that Lauren was his go to girl when he wanted to fuck around on me. I had no proof, but it was hard to ignore so many damn rumors. I immediately made my way to them. I watched as she ran her tongue up the side of his jaw and around the hot tattoo on his neck. I cringed knowing that he was not only allowing it, but a little smug about it. His eyes never left mine as I made my way to them. When I stopped at the edge of the table, he said one word. "Bella."
I grabbed the table and shoved it towards them. Lauren looked over at me with her glassy eyes and went back to licking his neck. Her hand snaked down towards his lap. I snapped. I launched myself at her. I intended to rip her eyes out and then tear her tongue and hands off as well. Edward stopped me. He waved his finger in front of my face and tsk'd me. "Now, now, Bella. Don't be angry. I'm only doing as you asked. I'm trying to find another woman to help take care of me." I threw my other hand up to slap him across his face. But he caught that hand as well.
"Fuck you!" I was seething.
"That is a promising idea, maybe Lauren would like to join us. Let you two get to know each other and all." Lauren perked up at the idea, I wanted to kill her.
"Not on your life. I'm done with you and your little bitch." I turned and walked out of the club with Jessica. I stayed at her house for two days until one of Edward's friends showed up and told me that he was looking for me. I don't know why he didn't come and get me himself, he knew where I was. I went home and he apologized. He promised that nothing happened between him and Lauren and that he was using her to make me jealous. I told him it worked. I forgave him and he fucked me against the wall. Just like our first time together, hard and fast. He told me how no one made him feel as good as I did, and that no bitch would ever work his dick as well as I did. I told myself that he meant the other women were bitches and that he never called me that.
Alice stood waving her hand in front of my eyes. "Earth to Bella, you in there Bella?" She laughed. Jasper joined in. I had no idea how long I had stood there in a daze.
"Sorry," I mumbled and went about making my plate of food. They both let it go and we made our way back to the couches to eat.
About half way through our meal Jasper turned to me. "I've been meaning to talk to you about something." He sat his food down and I followed suit. "I think you would get more out of one-on-one therapy than the group thing."
I tried to protest and he stopped me. "Bella, it would be beneficial to you for a therapist to work one-on-one with you. Focus on your specific needs and not the bullshit that the rest of the group needs to deal with."
Alice slapped his arm. He turned to look at her. "What? I'm not lying, it's mostly bullshit. Isn't it, Bella?" I didn't answer him, but I did begin to giggle. "See, even she can't deny it's bullshit." Jasper turned back to me. "Seriously Bella, think about it."
I shook my head. "I can't afford that now." I pointed to my stomach.
"Well, see, there's this other part." Jasper scratched his head and rushed forward with his description. "I have this potential job lined up once my contract is up here, but they want me to get some one-on-one experience. And I don't have much of that. So…I was kinda hopin' that we could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I could get more hours of one-on-one and you could get some serious help for your issues. Not the bullshit." He turned back to Alice to say the last part. She giggled and so did I.
"Okay," I replied to him. He jumped up and down and swung me in a circle.
Alice marched off to the kitchen with the dishes. "I told you she would say yes, dummy!" She threw her comment over her shoulder to Jasper as she retreated.
"I swear, I really was thinking about suggesting this before this new job came up, that isn't the only reason. I promise. I would never do that you." Jasper's eyes became serious and it was kind of funny the way he was worried about how his offer looked.
"I know, silly, I just can't help joining in on the fun." I slapped his chest and we broke apart.
Alice drove me home that night to save me cab fare, and as I made my way inside I couldn't help but still laugh at the fun we'd had. Carlisle and Esme were watching TV together when I came in, but they both sat up a little when they heard me.
"Hey," I offered from the doorway.
"Hey," they both responded in unison. "Have fun?" Esme asked.
"Yeah, I did." I shifted from foot to foot. Something about Carlisle's eyes made me nervous. "I'm going to go and get ready for bed now," I trailed off.
"Bella?" Carlisle's voice stopped me.
I turned back around to meet his eyes. "Edward would be so proud of you."
My mouth fell open. That was not what I expected at all. My hands immediately went to cover my stomach and wrap my arms around the only part of Edward I still had with me.
"He really would. You have changed so much, in a good way; you're holding down a job and even got a promotion, you're going to school and doing really well. I'm proud of you and I know Edward would be too."
He stood and wrapped me up in his arms. He wasn't quite as tall as Edward, but everything else felt familiar, almost like having Edward there with me. I caved and began to cry. I really did miss him. Even when I spent most of the evening thinking about the shitty parts of our life, I still missed him.
"Hey now, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry, I just wanted you to know how we felt."
I backed away and wiped my tears off. Esme came to stand by us as she ran her hand down my arm. "I know, it just felt so much like Edward and I miss him so much sometimes." I half laughed, half cried.
"It seems like so long, but just look at how much time has gone by so far. By the time he gets out you and he both will have your feet on the ground and be ready to run."
I nodded and tried to smile.
"Go and get some sleep. Don't you have a big test coming up tomorrow?" Esme asked.
"I do." Once I had passed my GED tests, I could officially begin to take college courses. So far the photography classes that I took were courses offered to the public, which was fine, but I was ready to get serious.
Esme and Carlisle both offered me well wishes for the test and I slipped upstairs to get ready for bed. After the night I had, I wanted to write Edward. After I talked to him on the phone and answered that first letter, we made a point to write at least once a week. For him it was usually more. He spent time telling me about what he was learning and how he felt. I could see several things that Jasper and I covered in our group sessions coming out in Edward's letters. It made me proud to see that he was trying hard to work on things as well.
I knew that this letter was going to be hard. I had planned on asking him about the other women and why he was with them. I knew it was probably stupid at this point, but I needed to know. I had to know where he stood on that issue if we were ever going to be able to trust each other again. More specifically, if I was going to be able to trust him.
I showered and got in my pajamas. I grabbed the notebook I used to write him in and hopped into bed. I began to pour my heart out to him. I recounted the night I remembered and how it made me feel. I told him about the hurt I felt when he didn't come to ask me to come home. I told him about the rumors and how they made me cry. I told him about the night I spent with Alice and Jasper and the things that Alice said. I told him about the times that I went out without him. I explained in detail what happened, as much as I remembered, I explained how I had not been with another man since I met him. I tried to make him understand that this was not a decision made out of fear for what he would do to me or the other guy. It was a decision based on my love for him; my need to be with him, and him alone. I begged him to be honest with me. I promised that there would be no anger or finger pointing, but that this was to clear the slate between us and get things out in the open, so that we could work on making our relationship healthy and strong. I spent a little time at the end and told him about the doctor's visit for the baby. I relayed the information about my big test, even though I knew he already knew about that. I also told him about the sessions with Jasper. I told him I loved him and I closed the letter.
I had not gone to see Edward in jail yet. I wasn't sure if I could, but I would like to go before the baby was born; and that was soon. I only had a little over eight weeks left before my due date. I made a mental note to work on that tomorrow after my test. I wrapped the blankets around me and fell off to sleep, dreaming of Edward and when he gets home, like always.
Playlist:Everybody Hurts-U2 but I like the Lee Dewyze version, Somewhere with You-Kenny Chesney, Stepping Stones- Duffy, Cry- Kelly Clarkson, Your Mistake- Sister Hazel, Sleeping to Dream- Jason Mraz
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