Chapter 9- Wherever You Will Go

Playlist (cause you know there will be one):Wherever You Will Go-The Calling, I Love You-Sarah McLachlan, She is Love-Parachute, Home-Michael Buble, Scare Me-Kenny Chesney

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If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high, or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out a way to make it back someday

To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days

If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all

Well, then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you

I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time, I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine, I'll go wherever you will go

Wherever You Will Go- The Calling

Chapter 9- Wherever You Will Go

Bella's POV

I drove back into the driveway to see Edward sitting on the steps of the front porch. He always ran his hands through his hair when he was nervous or stressed. Right now it was standing straight up. If his hair were a correct gauge, I've never seen him more stressed than now. It bothered me to see him in this state and more so because I was the reason behind it.

He met me at my side of the car before I could shut off the engine. As I opened the door, he took my hand. His eyes connected with mine. I noticed the difference in the color; they were a deep jade green now. Edward's eyes were the windows to his soul, the color changing to reveal his emotions. The lighter the color, the happier and more at peace he was.

When I was fully standing, he hesitantly pulled me in for a hug. His body strained to keep its distance from mine, yet he laid his head on my shoulder in a very intimate fashion. I stepped closer to him to let him know that I needed and craved the contact just as much as he did.

I was at war with myself. One half wanting to be angry and not trust him, the other half telling me this was the Edward I knew before Tanya and he wouldn't hurt me. Quite frankly, I wasn't sure which part was going to win. I knew without any distractions, we could be the most amazing couple, but life was full of distractions. Could he break away from Tanya? Could I fully trust him if he does? I needed to hear what he had to say and take some time to decide what I wanted.

"Bella, I'm so glad you're here, I'm sorry. I wish I had something bigger and better to describe what I feel but that is the only word that works." He stepped away from me. His chin dropped down, his eyes not meeting mine. Defeat was written in his body language. "I think it's time to tell you the full story about me and Tanya. Then you'll understand why the phone call doesn't matter and why I don't ever want anything to do with her again."

The look in his eyes was tortured and I was suddenly scared to hear what he had to say. It couldn't be good when his eyes were that worried over it.

I led us around the house to the covered swing in the back yard. I wanted as much open space around me to process what he had to say as I could get. I didn't want to be trapped inside. Both of our emotions were hanging on by a thread and I felt we needed the vastness of the night sky to keep us grounded together. I was hoping that we would realize that we were so small in the grand scheme of things. I was hoping that this would put us on even playing fields and I was hoping that this would show Edward that I wanted to be his equal, allowing us to work through this.

He sat down and I placed myself close to him, but not quite close enough to touch his body. He turned so he could look into my eyes, took in a shaky breath and started his story.

"Bella, I'm sure you remember when Tanya moved from California and we started dating almost right away. I was in love from the moment I saw her. She had something about her that made me want to be close to her, some of it was her looks; I'm man enough to admit that much. The more time we spent together, the more I realized she had a personality that was sweet and perfect on the surface, but the more you dug into her, the less appealing she became. I tried to create distance from her and she freaked out, threatened to cause harm to herself. She told me she was having a hard time at home and that her dad was having an affair and her mother was not taking it well. So I gave her another chance; we were fine for a while, normal high school stuff." He said, shaking his head as if even the memories caused him pain. During his pause, he took my hand in his.

"She was always very obsessed about me cheating on her and I tried to tell her that I wasn't interested in anyone else. She was especially jealous of you, she didn't like you at all, I'm sorry that I allowed her to dictate the rules of our friendship. I guess she was able to tell that you were as close to me as Alice and Rosalie, but you were not my sister like they were. I guess that made you enemy number one," he, chuckled sadly and stared off into the night for a few minutes before he continued.

"She was angry at me for not wanting to go to the Prom after-party with her. I wanted to go home with all the rest of the gang and hang out with them. I was never one to drink and party, she should've known that. But she relished the King and Queen of the prom title that all of her friends gave us and wanted to flaunt it. I didn't. She got mad and threatened to find someone who deserved her. I told her that was okay with me and I left her there. I came home and hung out with Jasper, Emmett, Alice and Rosalie. She called the next day and said that James took her home. She said that he had been trying to go out with her for a while and she wanted to break up. I told her fine. We didn't see each other at all after graduation. I had been at Dartmouth for almost a year when I heard a knock at the door and she was there, she just showed up at my apartment. She looked terrible. She said her parents were getting divorced. Her mom was real depressed and hardly got out of bed. She broke down and cried. She told me she was sorry about the prom incident, that it was just her stress talking. She said James treated her terribly, and she never loved him. She was trying to make me jealous. I had never seen her that broken, Bella." He turned to face me again, looking into my eyes. I'm not sure if he was looking for understanding or just making sure that I hadn't shut down yet. I nodded and smiled at him to continue.

"I believed her story. She seemed genuine. She begged me to forgive her and take her back. I figured that we would be fine here in a new city, start over fresh, you know?" He glanced at me from the side of his eyes, I nodded at him again. I wanted him to know I understood but didn't want to interrupt the story he was reliving.

"We, again, were fine for a while. Tanya stayed at the apartment and played housewife for me. I went to school and we spent the evenings wandering around the city, and for the first time, I was enjoying myself with her. We were carefree until the semester I took a night class. I wanted this particular professor for my Anatomy class, so I had to take the class in the evenings to get him. I came home one night and Tanya wasn't there. She had left a note to say she decided to go out. I didn't think anything of it, I was glad she had done something on her own. She came home real late that night and was a little drunk. I wasn't worried because it had never happened before, so I figured she just got a little carried away her first time. Well, I was wrong. Eventually she started going out regularly, day or night it didn't matter. Suddenly she had quite a few new friends that I never really got to know. They would always rush out together when I came home, so that made me a little suspicious. One evening she came home so excited. She was so proud that she had found a job. I knew that she was never happy about me paying for everything, so I was glad that she would be working. I also thought that she would have less time for these new 'friends' she was developing." He used his fingers to make air quotes around the word friends.

"Boy, was I wrong. She took a job at one of the clubs that she had started hanging out in with her new friends. She was going to be a cocktail waitress; I tried to explain to her that I wasn't happy about the job. She yelled at me that I wasn't happy about her working; she accused me of being angry that she wouldn't be at home to take care of me. She said I only wanted her to be my maid. I tried to explain that I didn't care about her working, I was happy that she had something that was hers, something she could feel proud of. I explained that it wasn't the job that I minded, it was where she worked that I minded. She could get a job anywhere but just not there. I tried pleading with her, explaining to her that she was better than that. I was trying to do anything to make her give up the job. I was really scared for her to be in that environment. I could see she was headed down a path I didn't want for her. She waved off my feelings. She made a big deal about being proud of herself for pulling things together and getting a job. Her emotional state did seem to be improving so I let it go and tried to trust her."

He let go of my hands and placed his hand on his thighs. He clasped them together, and then leaned his head down on them. I could see his hands shaking as he held his head. I reached over and took his hand in mine again, and squeezed to offer my encouragement.

"Bella, it got much worse. She came home late every night and was drunk all the time. I tried to talk to her, but she would cry. She'd yell at me, asking me who I wanted more-a slightly tipsy Tanya or emotionally distraught Tanya? So I let it go. I noticed new habits and ticks. Habits and ticks which led me to believe that she had began to use drugs. I snooped around one night while she was at work and I found evidence in her make-up drawer. When she came home I talked to her and told her she either needed to give them up or move out. I didn't want to have anything to do with that lifestyle. She cried and said she wanted to quit. She claimed that she never wanted to start but she gave in to the peer pressure of her new friends. I'm so stupid because I believed her. I wanted her to be okay and never believed that she would be so deep into the lifestyle of drugs. I thought that wanting her to be okay was enough to make it that way. And again, she was okay for a few weeks. I noticed an improvement but she didn't quit her job. On Tuesdays, I had class from 8 until 5 usually, but one Tuesday my Professor needed to leave early so he let us go around 2p.m. I rushed home excited that I would get to spend some time with Tanya before she left for work. That was something we got very little of then… time together. I arrived home to catch her fucking someone in my bed. In my bed, Bella. I was in shock. I left and didn't come home for two days. I stayed at the dorm with a friend. She had no idea where I was, she was frantic. When I did come home, she had some info on a counselor that helped with drug addiction. She begged me to believe that it was the drugs that led her to sleep around and she would never do it when she was sober. I made her admit that she had never stopped drinking or doing drugs, she just slowed down enough to make me think she had. I was stunned. She went and talked to the counselor. He wanted her to check into rehab but she told him no. She was scared and told him no because it was too expensive. I thought there was more was going on, so I offered to pay for it, which she refused. She said she hadn't been doing drugs that long and that she could stop on her own. I did what I could to help her. Once she started going through withdrawals, she was pitiful. She was shaking, sweating, vomiting, and crying. She begged me to call this guy she knew and buy her just a little. She said, with my medical knowledge, I could help her use smaller and smaller amounts until she had weaned herself off of the drugs without the harsh symptoms. She was miserable and I felt terrible for not being able to help her. I told her no but she begged until I gave in. I know it's awful but I just wanted to help her. I couldn't take seeing her that way. I did love her, Bella, and she was in pain, I couldn't take it. I bought her some drugs. I helped her take a small amounts, smaller each time until she was almost off of them." He drew in a shaky breath before he continues.

"Her friend stopped by one day as I was leaving for class. She walked me to the door and said not to worry this friend was never into any kind of drugs. They would stay home and just hang out. I got home that night and she was trashed. She was lying on the bathroom floor with her clothes ripped off, her make-up was smeared and she had vomited on herself. I called an ambulance, and they came and took her to the ER. I followed her and told the Doctor what she had been doing. I left out the part about me helping in any way. The ER doctor told me that she would be required to be checked in for in-patient treatment. I gave him her dad's number and left her there. I went home, called Carlisle and packed up to come home. I was done with school, so I had no reason to stay anymore. I was offered a resident position but I asked Carlisle to find one closer to home for me. And here I am. I fucked up, Bella; I helped her do something that almost killed her. I should have known better, I was studying to be a Doctor for crying out fucking loud. I was dumb enough to condone and buy drugs for her." He was shaking all over and I was sure that tears were falling from his eyes. I was afraid to wipe them away for him. Afraid that he would misinterpret my actions as pity, so I just sat and waited for him.

"I haven't told Carlisle or Esme any of this yet. I told Jasper when we went to work out the other day and I told Alice last night while we were on the phone. I need to come clean to Carlisle and see what I need to do. I'm just scared, that what I did goes against everything he has taught me as a father and as a doctor. I feel responsible for Tanya's descent into hell. I should have seen it, should have stopped it, I should have done something more than what I did. I think I may need some help to get over this."

His breathing was labored and his chest was heaving with the effort. He looked tortured and his anguish showed on every move his muscles made.

"I'm not sure what I can give you, Bella. I know the kind of man you deserve and I don't think that I'm that kind of man anymore."

He dropped his head into his hands and began to softly cry again. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and just held him. I whispered things to him, funny things about us growing up, sweet things that I knew he did for me. Whispering how much he loved his family and anyone who loves their family that much must be a good person.

Slowly, after his crying was done, Edward wrapped his arms around me and gave me a squeeze. He stood and pulled me up with him.

"Bella, I'm glad you came home for me. I feel better getting that off of my chest and I realize that I need to tell all the rest of my family before I can do anything else. I think I'm going to go and stay with Carlisle and Esme for a little while, get things straight in my mind and decide what to do about this. I'm sorry to abandon you right now, but I feel like I can't get anything else right until I fix this. You're so important to me, Bella. Like I said I can't remember the last time I was this happy. Thank you for giving that to me and thanks for allowing me back into your life. I won't ask you to wait for me to get this right but I do want you to know that I know you're the perfect woman for me."

He leaned down and gave me a kiss- a small, hesitant, gentle kiss. One that was full of regret and sorrow. I prayed that this was not the last kiss I would get from him. He pulled away and walked towards the house. I let him go in alone. I sat there for a little while thinking about what he said; I didn't blame him at all for anything that happened with Tanya. I understood where he was coming from and why he did it; it actually proved to me the depth of his love. He was blinded by love. Walking away took more love than staying with her; I recognized that he didn't give himself enough credit. He was a good person and a great man.

All at once, I felt stupid and petty for going on about the phone call. I know we didn't talk about the call and it was the reason behind our disagreement, but now I realized why it wasn't important. Edward would never go back to her. She could call until she was blue in the face but he wouldn't be interested in what she had to say. She took his love and used it to take advantage of him. She twisted him until he didn't recognize himself. Even though he was blinded by love, he was able to recognize that she wasn't. She was needy, not in love.

Edward could have been any man. She only wanted one that fit all of her qualifications. He just happened to be a great student, popular, great looking, on several teams, comes from a great family and rich. Edward was too much of a gentleman to correct her when she was a bitch to others. So she had the perfect arrangement and she used him.

I allowed my anger to boil over and I wanted to scream. I was afraid Edward would hear me and I didn't want to worry him with my emotions right now. So I sat still and watched the stars in the sky.

I heard Edward shut the back door and get into his Volvo, start the engine and drive off.

Pulling out my phone from my purse, I called Alice and by the time she picked up I was sobbing.

"Alice, I'm at home, I talked with Edward and he just left. He told me about Tanya. How do I help him?" Most of what I said was unintelligible from the sobs. I don't know how she was able to interpret it but she did.

"Bella, just sit still. We'll be there in about 10 minutes." She hung up.

I sat in the backyard sobbing and worrying about Edward until I heard the loud engine on Emmett's massive jeep roar down the driveway. I turned to move towards the approaching vehicle, needing the comfort of my friends. Before it had come to a full stop, Emmett was out and running to me. He picked me up and carried me into the house, trying his best to comfort me.

This was a side of Emmett that he rarely showed; as a matter of fact, the last time I saw this side of him was when Charlie died. Charlie was my dad. I know most people don't call their parents by their first names, but for some reason it worked for us. During the week of Charlie's funeral, Emmett was perfect. He knew what to say and do without worrying about what was appropriate. He made me laugh when things were getting too serious, once even recreating the cemetery scene from Steel Magnolias. Emmett offered up Rosalie in Wheezer's place for me to slap, causing all of us to fall over with laughter. That was his goal, after all. For that week, I felt like Emmett and I were closer than Alice and Rosalie and I had been.

"Bella, don't cry baby girl; we'll help Edward. He'll be fine. There is no way we're letting her win by dragging him down with her. He has you now and he'll be fine, just trust me. I swear Bella that I'll walk into the deepest part of hell to bring him back. I promise, just trust me." Emmett sounded broken and close to tears himself. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him like he was the only thing holding me together.

Alice directed Emmett into my room and he sat me down on the bed. I grabbed his arm as he turned to leave.

"Emmett, go find him and make sure he's okay, please. I can't have him alone after letting all of those emotions out, he needs someone. Go to him, Emmett." I held onto his shirt and pleaded with him. He nodded and walked out of the room.

Alice and Rosalie were both pulling clothes out of the drawers for me to sleep in. I undressed and pulled on the yoga pants they gave me. When Alice handed me a tank top to wear, I threw it on the floor. I walked out of my room clad only in my pants and bra. I walked into Edward's room and flipped on the light. He had been in here a few minutes ago and if I breathed in deep, I could still smell him. I opened my eyes, realizing that he had taken some clothes with him. At least that is what I hoped explained the half opened drawers and clothes scattered around. I grabbed a t shirt from the open drawer and walked back into my room. I sat on the bed as Alice and Rosalie came to sit with me.

Alice handed me a piece of paper folded in half. I met her eyes questioning what she was doing, she just shrugged.

"It was on your nightstand, it's from Edward. I recognize his handwriting."

I opened it and began to read his words.

Bella,

I have so much more I want to say to you, but I don't think I could get the words out right. So I'm going to use someone else's thoughts, please forgive me.

So lately, you're wondering who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone, you'll need love to light the shadows on your face

If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all

Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own

Well if I could, then I would, Well I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high, or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out a way to make it back someday

To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days

If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all

Well, then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you

I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time, Well I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine, Well I'll go wherever you will go

I have always loved the words to that song and I don't think I could find a song to apply better here to tell you how I feel. I'm sorry that I have to leave you. I promise I will be back. I'm hoping that I'll be back stronger than ever, please wait for me. I know that I don't have the right to ask that of you. But just thinking in my mind that you're out there, waiting for me, will help me more than anything. I know that I never really loved her, you've made me see what real love is and I never had that with her. I know that now. Please know that I love you, I'm sorry I couldn't say that to you and see your face when I did. I wasn't sure if I would have the strength to leave if I had to watch your face when I said the words to you, so I settled for telling you here.

Yours Always,

Edward

I was sobbing again. He was in love with me and he was gone. I wasn't sure how long he would be gone. I wasn't sure where he was going. I could only wait and see what happened.

Alice and Rosalie both held me between them as we lay in my bed.

When I opened my eyes the next time, Alice was sitting in my chair by the window and Rosalie was gone.

I crossed the room and turned on my laptop. I opened iTunes and downloaded 'Wherever you will go' and set it to play on repeat. I felt like Edward was closer to me while listening to the song. Alice just smiled at me and nodded her head in understanding. I got back in the bed, pulling the covers up over me, relishing the darkness and concentrating on the words to the song. I let it envelope me, filling me with peace. Edward was coming back. I closed my eyes and allowed sleep to come.

I woke up the next morning with my head was clear and I felt peaceful. Edward was coming back. I kept repeating that to myself. I certainly didn't want to be sitting in the same place when he got there. I wanted him to be proud of me while he was gone. I knew I could do this as long as he was coming back. I walked into the bathroom and started the water for a shower.

I walked downstairs after I was showered, dressed and my hair and makeup was in place. Alice was in the dining room eating a bowl of cereal, and Rosalie was drinking coffee.

"What are you both doing here? You have a shop to run, get to work," I stammered at them both.

"Bella, did you think we would leave you alone? Not on your life. Edward would kill us, besides what is the point of owning the store if you can't close it when you want to?" Alice snickered.

Rosalie stood and walked over to my side of the counter and she bumped me with her shoulder. "Emmett called, to say he and Jasper are with Edward and Carlisle. They decided to go up to the cabin to spend a few days together. When they get back, Carlisle wants to talk with you." My face must have shown some concern, because she quickly added,"Don't worry it's all good. I've never seen four men so in touch with each other. They always know what the others need and they all balance each other out. They'll work this out together," she leaned her head back and laughed for a minute and then added, "I'm sure that there's a joke in there somewhere about being in touch with each other, but right now I can't make myself say it." Rosalie smiled at the huge smile on my face when she said last part.

"Well, since the guys are taken care of, and the shop is closed for the day, let's call Esme. I feel like we need to go do some shopping," I suggested.

Both Alice and Rosalie looked at each other and then Alice rose from the table, walk over to me and felt my forehead. I snickered and smacked her hand away.

"What? I figured that you'd like that comment," I threw at her.

"Bella, of course, I love that comment. It's just that I have never heard you utter those words, especially after something as deep as last night. I'm kind of worried that you're off your rocker, to be honest with you." She really sounded concerned.

I shrugged and took a sip of my coffee. "Well, I decided that if Edward was coming back I'd want him to be proud of whom I was while he was gone. I couldn't make him proud if I was in bed moping. Besides, I only have the rest of this week before I start back to work, so let's go and buy some work clothes for me. Please, I can't stay here in the house all day, I'll lose my mind and that won't help Edward at all," I said as I walked towards the phone in the living room.

I dialed Esme's cell and waited for her to pick up.

"Bella, is everything okay?" She sounded worried.

"Esme, believe it or not, I'm doing great. I'm worried about Edward but he left me this sweet note and asked me to wait for him. He said he was coming back for me. So I figured I would stay busy living life while he was gone, instead of lying in bed and sulking. I started all of this so I should, at least, have enough guts to wait it out for him to get help. That's why I'm calling; can you go shopping with us? Rose and Alice closed the shop for the day so we're going to do some retail therapy. Besides I do need stuff to wear to work, so can you?" I was channeling Alice, all of that was said in the same breath and I felt light headed now.

"Well, I do have only one meeting today and it is in about 20 minutes, so I'll call you when I'm finished and meet you all somewhere to join you. Bella, I'm glad you called, and to hear that you're doing okay. Edward's a good man and he'll fix this." She sounded close to tears.

"I know, Esme. He told me he loved me in the note he left for me. I can't wait for him to come back. Call us when you're ready, we'll be getting ready at Alice's." I switched the topic to something a little less apt to make me cry. I wanted to enjoy myself today and not mope around.

After I grabbed a change of clothes, we hopped into Rosalie's car and went to Alice's house to dress and wait for Esme.