Chapter 10- Better Man

Playlist:Better Man- James Morrison, That's How You Know It's Love- Deana Carter, Hanging by a Moment-Lifehouse, Bigger-Backstreet Boys

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There was a time, I had nothing to give, I needed shelter from the storm I was in

When it all got too heavy, It covered my way, And I want to hold you, And I want to say

That you, You're all that I need, You, I'd give my soul to you

See me, Love me, Just the way I am, I said for you, I am a better man

I said you are the reason for everything that I do, I'd be lost, So lost without you

Under the stars, At the edge of the sea, There's no one around,

No one buy you and me, We'd talk for hours, As time drifts away

I could stay here forever, And hold you this way, Cause you

You're all that I need, For you, I give my soul to keep

See me, Love me, Just the way that I am

For you, I am a better man, I said you are the reason for everything that I do

I'd be lost, So lost without you, So lost without you

James Morrison- Better Man

Chapter 10- Better man

Edward's POV

I left Bella standing by the swing. I needed to leave before I told her that I loved her. I wouldn't be able to leave her if I looked into her eyes as I said the words that I hoped she wanted to hear from me. I pulled her close and kissed her, a kiss to remind myself why I was leaving, and a promise to come back better. Bella returned the emotion in the kiss and my heart swelled. Maybe she felt the same for me. I prayed that she did. I knew she was intimate with me in her bed, and she returned my kisses and touches, but that didn't mean she loved me. It meant she likes my body, so I couldn't assume anything. I needed to know how she felt, and to tell her how I felt. If I could be sure that she knew how much I cared for her, it would spur me on to do what I had to do, to get back here as soon as I could. I ran up the back steps and into the house. I went straight to my room and grabbed a piece of paper from my desk. I wanted to leave her a note to tell her what I feel and how sorry I am for not telling her face to face. I poured my heart into her note and wrote out the words to one of my favorite songs, Wherever You Will Go. The song best conveyed my feelings to her.

I've never meant any of those words more than I did then. I wanted a better life with Bella. I knew the verse from the bible that proclaims 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.' And I didn't know anyone that embodied that more than Bella, not once while I was telling her the whole story did I see her flinch or run away. She had always been a loyal friend to me, and I had only repaid her by pulling her into this. Well, I'll fix this and be a better man for her. I was suddenly joyous, and I wanted to start this process and return to my life.

I ran in and laid the note on Bella's night table and ran back to my room. I grabbed some clothes out of my dresser and a few things from the bathroom. I shoved it all into a bag and ran back down the stairs.

I slowed as I approached the kitchen door. I didn't want Bella to get the wrong idea about my running, so I slowly walked to my car. I took one last look at her and she looked so small in the night. Out there alone, her head raised to the sky and her arms folded around her body. I couldn't leave her alone. I opened the car door, sat down and called Alice.

"Alice, I can't explain it all but Bella and I talked about Tanya. I told her everything and now I'm leaving. I need to go and get this out of my head and make peace with it. I'm coming back for Bella; I've told her this, but I don't want her alone. Can you come over and be with her? I'll call her as soon as I know where I'm going and how long I'll be. Please make sure she sees the note I left for her on her night table. I love you, Alice, in case I haven't said it enough to you. I couldn't love you more if you were my birth sister." I wanted to say more but she cut me off.

"Edward, Bella is calling me. I love you too and you'd better be back soon! I'll take care of her I promise. You fix you and let me worry about her," she chirped back at me.

"Bye, Alice." I hung up, wanting her to be able to catch Bella's call.

I turned onto the highway and headed towards the only place I wanted to be when I needed support, Carlisle and Esme's. I needed to tell them everything and get their advice on how to 'fix me'. I called Carlisle on his cell hoping he was home. He answered right away.

"Hey, Edward, what's going on?" I could hear the overhead speaker of the hospital in the background. It was almost eleven at night so he either just got there or he was about to leave. I was hoping for the later.

"I need to talk to you. Are you just coming in or just about to leave?" I asked.

"Leaving, where are you? Do I need to come to you?" He asked, the concern showing in his voice.

"No, I'm on the way to your house. I need to talk to you and Esme together. I need advice and well, to be honest, I need a father." I chuckled to hide the small amount of embarrassment I felt for saying it that way.

"Okay, I'll meet you there. Do you want me to call Esme for you, to tell her you're coming?" He offered.

"No, I'll call. I don't want her to worry and no matter how much you tell her not to, she will unless she can talk to me." I knew how worried she got over us. Esme had a child that died at a few days old, and I think that was the reason she was a little more protective of all of us after we each came to live with her and Carlisle.

"See you there," he replied and I hit the end button. I dialed Esme at home and waited for her to answer.

"Edward, is everything okay? Why are you calling so late?" See she's worried, I told you so, I thought to myself.

"Esme, I'm okay, well sort of okay. Physically, I'm okay, but mentally, I need to get something off of my chest and I need my parents, if you know what I mean." I waited for her answer, knowing how much she loved being our mom.

"Edward, of course, do we need to come to you? I need to call Carlisle, he should be getting off soon, and we can meet you." She was moving around, I could hear her activity.

"No, Esme, I'm about half way to your house now, and I just called him. He's leaving now, so he'll be home soon. I wanted to talk to you both together," I added the last part so she knew that I needed her as much as I needed Carlisle.

"Okay, I'll turn on the outside lights for you both. Be careful," she added.

"See you soon."

For the rest of the drive to Esme and Carlisle's, I thought back to my parents and how I felt after their deaths. I missed them so much and wasn't sure I wanted another family. I wanted to go and stay with my Dad's aunt. She lived alone and she would allow me to be alone with my thoughts and fears. Looking back now, I see how that would have been a bad thing for me. It took a long time to get over my parents' deaths, but I was certain without their help it would have taken me much longer. In fact, I was comfortable saying that I may not have ever gotten over their deaths.

Having Carlisle and his calm, patient ways helped me work through the internal fears of losing my parents. Esme helped by mothering me and continued to show me that I was worth loving. Emmett provided the humor. He never allowed me to take myself too seriously; when I did, he would turn on the jokes. Rosalie, well, she kept me from getting too emo. She never was afraid to tell me exactly what she thought about how I was acting. Good or bad, I could count on Rosalie's honest answers. Alice just simply wormed her way into my heart. She and I had the closest connections, something about the two of us made us click right from the start. And Jasper, he stayed in the background filling in the holes that the rest of them left. He also had a way of judging the emotions in the room and using them to influence people. So we all formed a complete, fully functioning family. We were a little left of normal sometimes, but what family isn't?

I pulled into their garage and Esme met me at the door. I jumped out and almost ran to her; I grabbed her into a tight embrace and just let her hold me. She was standing in the kitchen and I was still on the steps, making her taller than I was. She pulled my head down onto her shoulder and rubbed my hair, like my mom used to do when I was young and needed comfort. It must be an automatic response by mothers, they know exactly when to use it.

I heard Carlisle pull in a few minutes later. He found us in that same position, me clinging to Esme and her providing what I needed, understanding. He patted my back as he walked past us. He allowed Esme and I to take the time we needed, standing back patiently waiting. I turned to him and he pulled me in for an embrace as well. He stepped back after a few seconds and motioned for us to head inside the house so we could talk.

Esme led us to Carlisle's office, I loved this room. It was him personified. I enjoyed every single memory of us here in this space, so I was glad she chose it for us to talk. Carlisle sat in the wing chair, I sat on the couch closest to him and Esme sat beside me. She grabbed my hand and held it. I was not ready to start yet; I wasn't scared to tell them what I did, but I just wanted a few more minutes before I had to relive the worst time of my life. Even losing my parents wasn't as bad a memory for me as the one I was about to tell for the second time tonight.

"I'm in love with Bella," I said simply.

"Edward, that's wonderful, have you told her?" Esme asked, her face softening at the words I spoke.

"In a way, yes, it's something that I just realized, and not the reason I came to see you tonight." I met Carlisle's eyes and he shifted closer to me.

I took in a deep breath and began the tale all over for them. Carlisle had a few questions and I answered them as best as I could. I knew the doctor in him couldn't let these questions pass; he had to know the full scope of the problem before he could offer suggestions of what the plan would be. I think I was more like him than I realized and knew immediately that he had taught me an important trait in being a great doctor. Stand back and assess the full situation before jumping in to avoid handling the wrong part first.

Esme sat quiet and still while I relayed all that happened, often I could feel her hand tighten its grip on mine. She did this when I got to a part that caused her concern, or when I broke down and couldn't finish. She never asked any questions, just listened. Each of them provided, in their own way, the support and trust that I so greatly needed.

When I was finally finished, Carlisle took a deep breath and began to give his advice.

"First, let me say that I feel like I let you down, son. You going through this alone must have been painful, and I'm sorry for somehow not knowing that you needed help. Second, I know you feel like you did the wrong thing, but I can assure you that Tanya would have gotten the drugs with or without your help. What you did may have saved her life, providing only a small amount and monitoring her drug use could have kept her from OD'ing by herself. Now, ethically, it may not have been the best thing to do. But I have known people who've done much worse as a student, resident or hell, as a full-fledged doctor so don't let this slow you down in your path. I do agree that you would probably benefit from some therapy to help you work through this as a person and as a doctor, to make peace with your actions and keep them from coming back to you later. I do have a friend in Seattle that is a psychiatrist, he may be able to help you. I could also have you stop by and talk with a few other friends at Seattle Memorial hospital, where there's a residency program. I know it is a little far from here it's the closest place to do your residency. So, unless you have a better plan, that is what I would suggest. What was your plan?" he asked. I always like that about Carlisle, he would offer his advice and then ask for yours. It was his way of validating you, showing you that you had the right to form your own opinions. Little did he know that it was not needed because he always had a better idea than I did anyway.

I smiled the first true smile since I started this whole story finally feeling like I was going to overcome the mess I had made.

"I think that's exactly what I was hoping you would offer. How can I ever thank you for this? I mean the suggestions are great and they help a lot but your support and understanding is the most important part. How soon do you think I could talk to your friend?" I was anxious now that we had a plan; I wanted to get started.

"Well, since it's after two in the morning, I don't think any of my friends would be too receptive to me calling them now, so let's get some sleep first. I think I want to spend a few days with you and your brothers before you go, is that okay?"

We had always enjoyed our 'man' time.

"Sure, what did you have in mind?" I asked.

"I was thinking we could head to the hunting cabin, what do you think? We haven't been there in a few years."

"I'll call Jasper and Emmett and ask them to come along. They should still be at our house, I called them to come and be with Bella." I wanted Carlisle and Esme to know that I thought of her emotional well being during all of this, not just mine.

I dialed Jasper.

"Jazz, it's me, how is Bella?" I wanted to know that first.

"She's okay, she's upstairs with Ali and Rose. She seemed at peace with what happened and your note helped. She turned into a new person after reading it. Great job for that. Now where the hell are you and are you okay?" His voice was laced with worry. I knew some of that worry was from seeing Bella upset and Alice trying to comfort her. Jasper always had a way of absorbing the emotions of others around him. I'm glad Alice is not a depressed person or otherwise neither of them would be good for anything.

"I'm at Carlisle and Esme's; I needed to let them know. I felt like hell keeping this from everyone, and now I feel so much better. Now I can really fix it. But the reason I called is because Carlisle wants to get away for a few days, just us guys like old times, you in?" I really hoped he and Emmett could make time, I wanted this time with them.

"My schedule is light right now, you know not a lot of building going on with the economy in the toilet so I can take a few days, let me ask Em." His call to Emmett was soft and low so Bella must be sleeping. After a minute, he came back.

"Emmett says he's good as well, he has five days he has to use or lose them by the end of next month. He's good for five days but I really can only squeeze out about three, how long did you two have planned to be gone?" I was open but I was sure that Carlisle had a tight schedule so I turned to him for his time frame.

"Carlisle, Jasper is in for three days, and Emmett is good for five. How long do we want to be gone?"

"I think we better stick to Jasper's three days. I have five but we will need time after Emmett and Jasper leave us so let's say three. We can leave tomorrow if that's okay with everyone and we can head back on Saturday early evening that way we have three full days to spend up there, that sound good?" He asked to confirm with all of us.

Jasper responded first. "That's good for me, I'll need to take Emmett home and let him grab some stuff and then we can crash at my place. We'll head out from there tomorrow, what should I tell him to pack?"

"Carlisle wants to go to the hunting cabin, so cold weather stuff." I could hear Emmett jumping around in the background like a child; he always loved to go to the cabin.

"Okay, we'll grab our stuff and meet you there tomorrow morning. Do you want Carlisle to drive the Hummer or Emmett to drive the Jeep?" Jasper knew the answer to that but to be fair to Emmett, he always asked that question. No one ever wanted Emmett to drive. He liked the radio too loud and he drove with one hand or sometimes only a leg on the steering wheel which caused you to constantly be tossed from side to side in the jeep. But Jasper was right, we could only get to the hunting cabin with either the Jeep or the Hummer, so we had to take one.

"Carlisle, definitely, Carlisle," I offered and Jasper snickered.

"Me too," he whispered softly to me, so Emmett wouldn't hear him.

We finalized the time for meeting up with them and I hung up.

I followed Carlisle and Esme up to the second floor to my old bedroom. Carlisle turned to me at the top of the stairs. "Edward, I'm glad you came home tonight. You're making the right choice, and I think it's better to make peace with this in your mind to save yourself some trouble down the road. You know, kill the beast now and never worry about it coming back to get you."

"Me too, I'm happy you understand. I was worried that I'd done something so awful that you would find it unforgivable, especially after seeing all of those people in the ER come in with drug related problems. Thanks again. You're a great father, in case I haven't told you lately." His whole face lit up at my compliment and I felt the joy radiating off of him. He turned towards his bedroom and I turned towards mine.

It felt strange to be sleeping in my old bed again, I remembered Bella in high school and I felt sorry for not paying better attention to her then. I could have avoided all of this if I had made the right choice then and not the popular choice. But in high school who makes all the right choices? No one, so no sense going over this again.

I lay in bed and decided to text Bella.

B-

I love you and miss you already!

I'm spending the next few days at the hunting cabin,

I don't get any reception up there so no messages

until I get back down the mountain, sorry

I'll call you as soon as I can.

Did I tell you I love you yet?

Just in case, I love you!

Yours Always!

E-

I skipped the text talk for her, I wanted her to take this serious and who could take ILY, seriously? It made you snicker like you were in grade school, so I spelled it all out correctly for her. I knew as a lit major, she would like that better anyways, more poetic.

I laid the phone down and wished I had my iPod with me, but I left it in the car so I'd have to wait. I wanted to hear her song. I began humming it to myself, waiting for sleep to take over.

Carlisle woke me early the next morning, calling for me to get a move on or we would get a late start. I dressed and followed him into his closet. We decided that I would need to borrow a few things from him for the trip, since I'd only grabbed a few items when I left my house the night before, and most of them were not usable at the cabin. I needed cold weather gear, so I grabbed some from his closet and packed a bag. I took off my tennis shoes and placed them in the bag and pulled on Carlisle's extra pair of boots. I tied the laces and started downstairs when I heard the front door open; Jasper and Emmett had arrived.

We all headed into the kitchen to grab some coffee and try to eat a little before we headed off on our manly trip. I was a little keyed up and decided to skip the coffee. I wanted to be off and on my way; the sooner the trip was over, the sooner I could start working on things and get back to Bella. I was excited but nervous at the same time. What if she decides that I'm not worth the wait, or she finds someone else in the meantime? What do I do then? How can I go back to being friends with Bella after the last week and what we have done together? Emmett clapped me on the back and brought me back into the here and now.

"Dude, grab your bag. This ain't no damn hotel. You got to carry you own shit to the car. Let's go!" God bless Emmett and his no nonsense words, he spoke what was on his mind, and you never knew what was going to come out and when. He didn't filter and he didn't hold back, he told it like it was. Today I was thankful for his honest approach.

I grabbed my iPod out of my car and then loaded all of my stuff into the Hummer. We backed out of the garage and pulled down the drive.

I felt my phone buzz and pulled it out of my pocket. Bella had returned my text.

E-

I miss you too!

Have fun the cabin,

Yes, I know you love me, and I love you too!

Call me when you can as often as you can,

this will help time go by quicker for me!

Take care of yourself and come home soon!

Love Always,

B

I couldn't help but smile, she still loved me after last night. Bella is one of a kind and I'm so thankful that she loves me, so I texted her again.

B

I'll call you every chance I get, I promise!

Take care of my heart, I've left it with you!

I Love You!

E

I closed my phone and settled into my seat. The others were planning what we going to do when we got to the cabin. I joined in, and before we reached the highway, our three days were totally full of activities that we wanted to do.

I noticed Carlisle glancing at me out of the corner of his eye; he merged in with traffic and cleared his throat.

"Edward, I spoke with my friend, the psychiatrist, this morning. He said he would be happy for you to come and stay with him for a few weeks. He would be able to take you to Seattle Memorial and introduce you to the people you need to see. The rest of the time he would be able to help with your problem. He wanted me to invite you to stay with him at his home. I told him I would pass along the invitation. Anthony was my closest friend in Medical School, he is happy to help." Carlisle sounded relieved that his friend was available and was willing to help me. I must say that I was a little relieved that Carlisle knew and trusted him to help as well.

"Sure, Carlisle. If you think that would be a good idea, I would be glad to stay with him. I'm thankful he is able to help. It makes it easier to trust him knowing that you and he were such good friends. When did you tell him that I would be there?" I wanted to know my timeline; I was hoping that he had made plans for me to leave as soon as we were done with the trip to the Cabin.

"I told him I would drive you out to Seattle on Sunday, I hope you wanted to leave as soon as we got back, I forgot to ask." Carlisle sounded bothered by his lack of concern on my part, and I wanted to assure him that was exactly my plans all along.

"The sooner I leave the sooner I can get back and see Bella, so Sunday morning is fine with me."

The rest of the trip was spent laughing, talking and enjoying each other's company. I was glad to be part of this family and enjoyed my family for so many reasons. Jasper was calm and collected, he was able to diffuse any situation and he had great advice. Emmett, well, he was an overgrown child, he was always in a good mood and could provide the laughs at a moment notice, besides he taught me how to defend myself when I was a skinny kid who got picked on. And Carlisle, he was the perfect example of what a father should be, he was patient, calm, and always listened to everything you said. He has a slight wild streak and he could come up with some really crazy ideas off the top of his head. I, on the other hand, was an over-thinker; I analyzed everything until it was picked to pieces. I did have a sense of humor and I hoped that I fit in as well with the group as I felt they fit with me. We created balance in each other and when you add in our women, we were an unbeatable team. I was pondering how Bella would fit in our family. What special trait she would add to us when it occurred to me that she already was a part of the group and I was the one that had been the outsider for so long. I didn't need to worry about her she already had her place here. We just needed to find out who we were as a couple.

Carlisle turned off of the highway and we turned into the driveway of the cabin, I was ready to have fun. Enjoy the freedom that sharing my story has allowed me to experience. I was the first to step out of the Hummer when we reached the cabin and the first to throw the snow ball. Boy, was that a mistake!