Playlist:Cry-Kelly Clarkson, Fearless(iTunes Session)-Colbie Caillat, I Hate Everything About You(Acoustic Version)-Three Days Grace
If anyone asks
I'll tell them we both just moved on
When they all stare
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry, cry
If anyone asks
I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yet what do I care
If they believe me or not
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry, cry
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry, cry, cry
Kelly Clarkson-Cry
Bella's POV
I turned the alarm off as soon as it beeped. Edward was still lying by my side, sound asleep. Neither my alarm nor the fact that I got out of bed caused him to move a muscle. I stood by the bed and gazed down at him, his face so perfect in sleep. The wrinkles of stress and lack of sleep were now gone. It was him, with all of his barriers down. I wanted to call in sick and go back to bed with him, but I knew deep down if I did that he would spend the time exerting himself and not resting, so I moved off towards the shower. He was exhausted and I knew that while he would not mind 'exerting' himself, but I also knew he needed rest after the crazy last two weeks he had. If I could just make it through the work day and allow him to rest then we could spend all evening exerting ourselves. I adjusted the water to the perfect temperature and threw my hair up into a bun, as I no longer had time to wash and dry it. I'll wear it as it is. It still looked good, surprising since I spent all of last night and part of yesterday in bed with Edward. I shuddered at the way I could still feel his lips, his fingers and his body.
I knew we were soul mates; we were the stuff that they write fairy tales about. I felt connected to him in every way possible. We had history, we had chemistry, and we had each other. I smiled as I dropped the robe and stepped into the shower.
My hand involuntarily ran over my body and stopped at my breasts. They were slightly sensitive from all the attention that Edward graced them with yesterday, but I still longed for more. I pinched the right nipple and reveled in the tingles that shot up and down my torso.
"Now, now what do we have here?" Edward drawled lazily. I turned to see that he stood behind me, as he peeked into the shower to watch me. I reached out and grabbed his shirt to pull him in with me. As his lips made contact with mine he pulled his pajama pants off, and yanked his t-shirt off as I let go to catch my breath. Within a matter of seconds he stood in the shower with me, obviously very happy to be there.
"I turned over and realized that you were gone, I heard the shower. I walked in here to find you in the midst of replacing me." His face held a look of disapproval and he slightly shook his head from side to side, making a tsk'ing noise.
"No, baby, not replaced, I just merely wanted to recreate what we had. That's all. I can almost still feel your hands on me. I wanted more, but I didn't want to wake you. You need your sleep," I said all of this as I kissed along his now wet torso and ran my hands up and down his luscious skin. When I glanced back up at him, the disapproving look on his face had been replaced by a hopeful one.
"Recreate, huh?"
I nodded.
"Why don't you recreate and I'll just watch."
I turned our bodies around so that Edward stood under the shower spray and I was able to lean against the back wall of the shower. I placed my feet about shoulder width apart and trailed my hand down to my wet center. I closed my eyes and arched my back off of the cold tiles; a small hiss escaped my mouth when I passed over my clit.
"That's it, Bella, show me how you like it. Show me how to please you." Edward grunted, I opened my eyes to see him stroking himself. Slow, steady strokes that drove me just as insane watching him as my touches were.
I increased my pace and force against my clit as I slid two fingers from my other hand inside of me. Edward threw his head back against the tiles of the far wall and groaned. His hard cock twitched as he also increased his strokes.
My head fell off to the side and rested on my shoulder as I felt my knees weaken. I suddenly worried that I would fall in the slick wet shower and kill myself.
I pushed the thought aside as I felt Edward's hand pull my hand out of me. I opened my eyes to question him. He had dropped to his knees. His hand pulled my right leg up over his shoulder and immediately ran his tongue along my soaked pussy. He traced each side and then swirled his tongue along my clit. I felt him stop at my opening and push his tongue in as far as he could. He yanked his tongue out and slid two fingers in. His lips sucked my clit into his mouth and gently bit down, applying pressure to it. I immediately came all over his fingers, my legs twitched, and my body moaned and keened in uncontrollable ways. He sat back with a very satisfied look upon his face. I noticed the glistening juices smeared all over his face. I leaned in and licked up the side of his jaw. His eyes filled with dark lust and desire as he grabbed my face. When his lips met mine he forced his tongue into my mouth, and I sucked it in further. The feel of Edward's tongue that was covered with my orgasm was indescribable. It fueled a fire that I thought was already put out.
Edward's hand landed on my hip, and he forced my body further away from his. I was spun around to face the shower wall as his hand pressed slightly in the center of my back as he forced me to lean forward. His feet kicked my feet further apart as he yanked my hips back onto his rock hard cock.
"Fuck!" I exclaimed. This was home; this was where I wanted to be.
After only two or three pushes Edward had me coming again. He held my body upright while he thrusted into me. I hung on for dear life and wondered if you could be fucked to death. All too soon, Edward pushed in as far as he would go and held his entire body, except for his twitching penis, still.
"Fuck, Bella! Fuck! Damn, that's good." I giggled at his ranting.
I now had no choice but to wash my hair, since it was soaking wet after our shower escapades. Once I had finally managed to wash my hair, dry off and get some clothes on before Edward tried to convince me once again to stay home.
"No, you need more sleep. I will work, you will sleep and then we can have dinner together, okay?" He nodded as I grabbed my bag and ran out the door.
Charlotte was thankfully in a meeting with the big bosses when I arrived twenty minutes late for work. The secretary just winked and handed me my messages. I tried my hardest to work off the adrenalin that was left in my body from the sex this morning. I worked like a mad woman. My to-do list was finished by 11:45. I decided to head off to lunch. I stopped by the secretary's desk again to let her know where I would be.
"Hey Siobhan, would you please let Charlotte know that I have gone out to get some lunch and run an errand. I will be back in an hour."
"Don't worry about it, they just had me call for some lunch for them, they won't be out before two or three. Take your time." I smiled and walked away. Maybe I had time to head off to Twilight Originals to get me some new lingerie for tonight.
I flew through the drive through and scarfed down my food. I wanted as much time as possible to try stuff on. For once it would pay being best friends with someone that owned a clothing boutique.
I came to a stop at the red light and sat patiently. Until I saw a sight that made me want to throw up all the food that I just ate.
I sat at the light, unable to process what I saw. What the fuck was I seeing?
I closed my eyes briefly and tried to trace my steps back to a point where I knew for sure I was awake. A small reassurance that this was a dream, unfortunately I couldn't call to mind anything of the sort.
I remember Edward's kisses and pleas to stay home with him this morning. I remembered Edward made coffee while I finished in the shower. I remembered the way his palms rubbed up and down my thighs as I ate a piece of toast as I dashed off to work. The way he eye-fucked me in the navy pencil skirt I wore. He always had a thing for those skirts, he had told me so many times. I remembered getting to work and several projects that I helped with, the quick meeting that I sat in on. I remembered the pain in my hip when I banged into the filing cabinet in my haste to get out of the office so I could hurry to lunch and shopping. The pain a reminder that this was real, not a shitty dream that I could force myself awake and recover from.
I shook my head and focused on the two people standing on the sidewalk. I blinked, once more trying to make them not be real.
I saw Edward and Tanya, together, his hand on her arm, her hand on his chest. She's smiling up at him with tenderness, and fucking devotion. My chest constricted just as the asshole behind me honks at me to move since the light was now green. I moved my hand off of my heart and put it back on the wheel of the car, noticing the slight shake as it passed my eyes in mid flight.
A million thoughts ran through my mind, did he really love me? Was this an intentional meeting? How long has he been meeting her? Are they fucking? Is she now living in the area? Where does that leave us? How long has this been going on? Were his promises to leave her in the past a lie? What did he fucking need therapy for if he didn't leave her? How long? Did anyone else know? Would they keep it a secret from me? What did I do that sent him back to her? Is she still on drugs? Will Edward try drugs with her? Will Carlisle allow Edward to go down that path? What does this mean for me? Can I stay at the house with him and her? What the fuck am I going to do? How did this happen without me seeing any signs of it coming? How? How? How?
The honking continued as I stepped down on the gas pedal and tried to get away from there as fast as possible. I saw Edward turn to view the commotion, and for a brief second our eyes meet. His eyes registered the horror of being caught, mine just feel flat. Literally flat, my entire body actually felt flat. I drove off leaving him yelling at me from the curb. Tanya just stood back looking as horror struck as Edward.
I knew that I should be returning to work right now, my lunch break was over, but that is the last place I wanted to be. I don't want to be sitting in a cubicle pretending that my life is fucking perfect, when in fact it had just fallen the fuck apart. Right out on the street for everyone to see it happening. No respect for me at all, he just stood right out on the fucking corner holding her in his arms. I sat and watched as he held her in his arms and all of my past insecurities came flooding back to me. I had allowed myself to see a future with Edward, to let him into my heart. I loved Edward deeper than anything I felt with Jacob and now to watch him show me how little it meant to him, well…that crushed my heart and soul.
I picked up the phone and called Charlotte, I needed to tell her I wouldn't be back today. I dialed her cell in case she wasn't back from lunch yet. She picked up after a few seconds, her ever happy call back tone plays some fucking Lady Gaga song in my ear, she seemed surprised to hear from me.
"Bella, is everything okay?"
"No, I don't feel well at all, I think it would be better if I go home. I just wanted to let you know. I have the Tollison manuscript in my bag, so I will work on it at home, okay?" My voice sounded strange, almost like I was talking into a child's walkie-talkie.
"Sure Bella, don't worry about that manuscript. You rest and feel better. Call me later this evening to let me know if you will be in tomorrow." She sounded hesitant, scared almost.
"I will thanks, talk to you later." I disconnected the call and laid the phone in the seat.
I heard it beep and saw the text message screen pop up. I ignored it. My phone rang again, this time it was Edward calling me. I ignored it. Twelve more times Edward called me. I ignored them all. I got three more text messages and then several calls from Rose and Alice. I ignored them as well. Finally unable to take all of them calling me so incessantly, I just turned my phone off.
I slowed the car in front of the garage. I turned it around so that if anyone else came home they wouldn't block me in and I could leave quickly. I've decided that was what I was going to do, leave. I couldn't stay here. I just couldn't. It was his house, it was his family, and without him I didn't belong. I couldn't stay. No matter how long I had been part of this family, it really belonged to him and I had to go. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Everything was gone, fucking everything.
I laid my head against the steering wheel for a second. I snapped it right back up, I couldn't afford to fall apart yet. So far all I felt was numb, I needed to hold onto that numbness until I was somewhere I could be by myself.
I rushed into the house and tried to start packing my bags; I needed to get out before he got here. Or worse, sends Alice and Rosalie here. I threw as much shit into the largest bag I could find. I gathered clothes, shoes, cosmetics, my laptop, iPod, and the book I'm currently reading. I headed into the bathroom and cleaned it out.
I heard several cars speeding up the driveway and screeched to a halt. I was sure Carlisle would be pissed at the damage to the landscaping; he had a right to be after all he does pay for that. I was struck by the absurdity of my thoughts. I heard shouting and people running up the stairs. I just kept cramming shit into my bag.
Edward reached me first, followed by Alice, Emmett and then Rosalie, all of them talking at once. I glanced up at them and just kept picking up shit to put in my bag. Random shit, shit I will never need, but was motion so I just kept doing it.
Edward grabbed my arm; I stopped and looked him directly in the eye. He cringed and stepped back, but his hold on my arm remained.
"Bella, please let me fucking explain, it's not what it looks like." His eyes were wild and dancing all over the place. He looked like he was hopped up on some fucking drugs already. I kept waiting for him to start shaking, stuttering and pacing.
I met his glare again and just simply shook my head no at him.
"What do you mean no? Baby, I love you, please. You have to let me explain, nothing happened. She came to find me just so she…" I put my hand over his mouth to stop him. I couldn't stand there and listen to their plans without cracking the fuck up, so I stopped him. We just stood staring at each other, no sound, just stares. In fact, I couldn't hear anything moving in the whole house. Silence everywhere, maybe God was taking pity on me. I guess he knew more than anyone else, how thin my hold on reality was. Maybe he was sparing me the freak out in front of all of them. Alice reached up and put her hand on my arm that was still covering Edward's mouth. I turned to look at her; everything felt like it was in slow motion, like in a cheap action movie.
"Bella, let's take a minute to gather our thoughts. Why don't we sit down and talk this out." She said all this very slowly and calmly, like I was a fucking mental patient that escaped from the nut house. I shifted my gaze from her to Edward again, then to Emmett. All three of them were standing there with their mouths hanging open, the exact same look on all of their faces. Shock, horror, pain, and possibly anger, at that moment I was able to see the family resemblance. A resemblance that, in all of the years I have been friends with Alice, not once did I even see a shred of before now.
"No," I stated carefully, and quietly.
I saw Edward stiffen and glanced at Alice. He seemed to be passing the reigns to her, allowing her to deal with the problem. I wasn't even worth his time. He had already moved on, fuck that was quick.
Emmett stepped in front of both of them and moved my hand off of Edward's mouth.
"Bella, why are you packing a bag? This is your home, why are you leaving?" His tone was gentle, almost soothing, he placed his hand on my arm and shifted his stance. He was blocking Edward and Alice completely, trying to gain some ground with me.
"I have to go for a few days, try to figure out what to do." I whispered to him. He nodded to me, as if to encourage me to continue. "I don't fucking know what else to do, my entire life has fallen apart right before my eyes. One second I'm fine and the next someone has dropped a nuclear bomb right into the middle of my life. What else am I supposed to do? Just stay here and allow the hurt to continue? You tell me Emmett, what the fuck would you do? Sorry if I seem a little fucking off my rocker right now, I am!" Each sentence getting louder and louder until the last one was screamed at him.
"I understand, Bellarina, but don't you think you should give Edward a chance to explain what was going on?" he asked, his voice soft and unassuming. I stiffened when Edward's name left his lips, I glanced over Emmett's shoulder and Edward's face took on the 'I've been a bad boy, please forgive me' look. That look helps me, it makes it easier to walk the fuck away. I would not fall for Edward Cullen's looks anymore. He had hurt me for the last time.
"No, I fucking don't. I don't give a rat's ass what he was doing with her. He has hurt me for the last time, and I mean it. Years, I spent fucking years in love with him. Did he ever give me the time of day? No, he didn't. He was Edward fucking Cullen, he didn't need me, he had all of the girls falling all over him. Why would plain old Bella Swan mean anything to him?" I heard a gasp from somewhere in the room, I was glaring at Emmett so I don't know who it came from. "He promised me, Emmett, fucking promised. He said 'Don't worry I would never go near her again, ever!', and low and behold I drive through downtown and find him huddled up close to her on the street. On the fucking street for everyone to see, he didn't even keep it behind closed doors. Why, Em, why?" He was shaking his head at me, I paid him no attention, I just kept screaming at him. I needed to get the anger out and move on. "Didn't he know he was the one person that could truly break my heart? Why?" I fell to my knees and Emmett followed me down. I could see Alice holding Edward in place, tears falling down his face.
"Bella, please, baby. I could never intentionally hurt you. Please you have to believe me. I'm asking you, begging you, not to leave. Give me a chance. I love you, does that mean anything? Is it too late? I know right now it's hard to breathe, think or even see all the reasons that we should work things out. I don't blame you, I know that sorry is not enough. I will do anything, everything to make it up to you. If you could just feel what I feel for you." Edward begged from across the room.
I stood up, grabbed my bag and walked out of the room. I wasn't going to stand there and listen to his honey coated words, words he didn't mean. I could hear them all moving as a group out into the hallway following me.
"Bella, I'm asking you, begging you. Please stay. I know sorry isn't enough, just let me explain." Edward tried one more time to reason with me.
I swung around on my heels to face him. He took a step back.
"Explain, fucking explain what? Why you were on a street corner in broad daylight with the whore that ruined your life? You needed fucking therapy after she left, doesn't that tell you that she isn't good for you, and yet you run back to her so quickly. Hell, even I was surprised, you did a great job of convincing me that you were done with her for good. Was that part of the game? Fool Bella so you both could sit back and have a laugh at my expense? You have ruined everything in my life, everything. Don't you know that? Not only have you thrown us right out the window, which hurts like my fucking chest is splitting apart by the way, but you have ruined my friendship with the rest of them. I can't be friends like we have been since we were all in grade school. I can't live here with them and you. I can't hang out with them and you. Don't you see, you have cut me out of your life and theirs like a wart that needed to be removed. Why did you have to take everything from me?" I was sobbing and screaming hysterically at this point. All four of them stood staring at me dumbfounded, Edward was caught in mid-motion. His arm still partially stretched towards me. I descended the stairs and ran into Carlisle. He wrapped his arms around me and led me outside.
"Bella get in the car, you're coming to the house with us." Esme was standing by the back door with it held open for us. I nodded and Carlisle took my bag from me.
I turned to the group as Carlisle led me away, when I hesitated Carlisle stopped walking. "Edward?" My voice sounded so rough and scratchy after the yelling and crying.
"Yes, baby?" Devastation was written all over his face. Perhaps he did deserve a chance to explain. I just wasn't strong enough to hear it now. I needed some time to prepare myself. I knew it was childish but I wasn't ready to let Edward go and I was afraid he was going to tell me that he wanted Tanya more than me.
"Give me a few days and we can talk. I just don't think I can do it now, I'm sorry. That isn't fair to you, I know, but please just give me a few days." I watched as Carlisle's feet shuffled against the driveway, while his arms still supported my unsteady weight.
He didn't answer, his disappointment that I was still leaving clear. He just nodded and the look of hurt and confusion written all over his face.
As we walked away Edward laid his hand on Carlisle's arm, Esme wrapped her arms around me and led me towards the car again. I could see Edward, Emmett and even Alice arguing with Carlisle as Esme closed my door. Edward's hands were gesturing wildly as Carlisle simply nodded at him. Esme walked over and touched Carlisle's arm. He turned and slipped into the driver's seat. Esme entered the car and we left.
I don't remember seeing anything between the house and arriving at Carlisle and Esme's. We walked upstairs and Esme tucked me into bed. That's all I remember of the day. I woke up when the sky was dark. I didn't know if it was evening or early morning. I didn't know what day it was. Panic set in, I didn't know if I needed to call Charlotte to explain. I searched the room for my phone, someone had placed it on the dresser beside my purse. I turned it on, 4:13 a.m., so I sent her a text.
Char~
Sorry I went to bed and just woke up
I won't be in today,
I think I should take the rest of the week
I will call later today and explain.
Bella~
I went downstairs to get something to drink. Esme was sitting in the kitchen, holding a glass in her hands. She glanced up at me when I came into the room.
"Sorry, I hope I didn't scare you. I couldn't sleep, so I came down here." She offered.
"It's fine, I'm just thirsty." My voice was all kinds of fucked up from the crying, freaking out fit I had earlier.
"You okay?" She asked, very hesitantly.
I shrugged my shoulders at her. I honestly didn't know if I was okay or not.
"I hope you don't mind, but we have forbidden any of them from calling, or coming over to check on you. If you want to call them, fine, but Carlisle and I felt like it should be your decision. I know they can be a little overbearing in times like this, and they gang up on you, so we told them no. I hope you don't mind." She smiled sheepishly. I just shook my head at her.
"It's fine." I mumbled to her.
"Bella, I don't know how or when this is going to resolve itself, but you are welcome here for as long as you need to be. Please, I need you here. I would go insane knowing that you are off somewhere by yourself with all of this going on. I promise that Carlisle and I won't interfere and we won't take sides. Please just stay with us. I know this is hitting below the belt, but your Father would be so pissed if I allowed you to leave in your shape."
She was right, Charlie would be pissed. He would want me to stay with Carlisle and Esme, not by myself. So I nodded my agreement to her. She smiled and patted my shoulder as she left the table.
I sat for several hours hoping a decision would come to me. What was I going to do now? That was the one problem that I couldn't answer yet. The one that plagued me, the only one I wanted an answer to right now. I could feel the solution form on the edges of my mind, but never close enough to grasp and understand it.
I saw the sun come up, and then heard Carlisle descend the steps to leave for work. He headed over to grab a cup of coffee, and kissed my head as he walked back by me.
"Glad you're staying with us. If you need me, you know where I am. Otherwise, I'll let you figure this out on your own, okay?" I nodded at him and gave him a small smile. That was all I could do for now. He hesitated, looking like he wanted to say or do more, then turned and left the kitchen.
I was lost. I couldn't form complete thoughts, yet I couldn't settle down enough to sleep. I decided to call Charlotte. Perhaps I can now take her up on her offer to go away on the publicity tour.
I dialed the number and waited.
"Little and Brown, how may I direct your call?"
"Charlotte Brown, please." My voice still sounded sickly and hoarse.
"May I tell her who is calling, please."
"Sure, It's Bella Swan."
"Oh, sure ahh…yeah, sure, hang on one second please." Her nervous tone scared me. I was worried what had happened while I was not there. What did everyone now know?
"Bella, what the hell is going on? Are you okay?" Charlotte demanded.
"I'm fine, well not exactly fine." I chuckled. "Okay is probably a good enough word. Why? What has happened there?"
"Well, first thing this morning I got a desperate visitor. Edward showed up here, looking for you. He looked like hell, he said that he knew you wanted time but he just wanted to make sure you were alright. I finally told him that I didn't know where you were and that you would be off for a few days. I assured him that if I heard from you I would certainly call him. He didn't seem inclined to believe me, but finally left. So, I guess you have some explaining to do. Why don't you meet me for lunch? I'm guessing someplace secluded would be good. What about Jackson's on 5th street?"
"Sure, but can we make it soon? I don't want to chance running into Edward, please."
"How long would it take for you to get there?"
"About an hour, I need to shower and change."
"Damn, this is going to be good. Fine, I will see you in an hour at Jackson's."
"Thanks Charlotte, for everything. I'm sorry that I put you in this position."
"Don't worry about it; I have heard all of the gossip in the break room. You are a legend around here now. Anyone that could send a good looking man like that off of his rocker must be worth her weight in gold. I'll see you then." I almost chuckled at Charlotte's sense of humor, it was always so twisted and dark. Still, I worried about what my co-workers would say and do when I did return. I never liked the spotlight, in any form.
I slid into the booth in the back across from Charlotte. I dropped my sunglasses into my purse as she slid a martini towards me.
"I thought you could use this." She offered.
I took a few sips of the offered drink, trying to buy time. You would think that I would have my thoughts in order but I was still as confused as ever.
"Is it possible to still go on the publicity tour with you?" I figured that was as good a place as any to start with.
"Hold on sister, back this train up and start at the beginning. I am not going to answer that until I know what the hell is going on."
I twisted the glass in my hands as I chanced a glance up at her. Her eyes held my gaze and her expression screamed 'tell me what I want to know'.
"I saw Edward on the street cuddled up with Tanya yesterday. Right out on the street!" I tried to keep my voice down but I wasn't sure if I had achieved this or not. Good thing most of the other patrons sat closer to the picturesque windows and away from us.
Charlotte's eyebrows shot up and she sat her drink back down on the table. "Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Tanya the rehab whore?" I nodded as the words came out of Charlotte's mouth.
I retold the bizarre afternoon and evening I had.
Charlotte sat and listened to all of it. She didn't have any more questions, she just simply listened. When I came to a stop she took a drink and looked back at me. "First of all you are coming to stay at my place. Nice or not, you do not need to be there with his parents. The pressure is still on for you there, you need a neutral place to think this through. Secondly, yes you are coming with me on the tour. We will be gone three weeks. When we get back you will go out and find yourself an apartment to stay in. You got it?" I just nodded at her. "Good, now go back wherever and get your stuff. Here is a key to my place, let yourself in and take the bedroom at the top of the stairs. I will be home later and we will plan this tour. You can work from my house for the rest of this week. There is plenty to do to get this thing tied up for us, so that should keep you busy. We will fly out first thing Tuesday morning. You have one week to be here and then we will be gone for three. So, sister, get to thinking about what you are going to do."
I hugged Charlotte as I left the restaurant and made my way back to Carlisle and Esme's house. I walked into my room and stood for a few seconds. I glanced around trying to get my bearings. I was trying to decide what to do; I knew that I needed to get some space from Edward. I wasn't ready to hear the words that would end what we had, and while I knew it was the coward's way out…I had to go and give myself some space. Maybe perhaps I would come to terms with it and it wouldn't hurt so much when he actually said the words. I knew it was too good to be true; men like Edward Cullen didn't fall in love with girls like me. I grabbed my bag off of the floor and began to separate my clothes. I left the random stuff that I would not need while on the tour just lying around the room. The few things that I did have that I could use for work clothes were neatly folded and placed in my suitcase again. I had exactly two and a half outfits. That was nowhere near enough to get through three weeks. I had no choice, I had to go back to the house and pack more clothes. I gathered all of my toiletries out of the bathroom and packed them. I called a cab and laid the keys for Esme's car on the kitchen counter. I would call her later and tell her how much I appreciated her for protecting me. I just couldn't do that right now either.
I paid the cabbie and asked him to wait for me, I wouldn't be long. He nodded and folded his arms across his large food splattered chest. I didn't see any cars in the driveway but that didn't mean that no one was home. I prayed as I opened the front door and rushed up the stairs. I immediately went in to my room, pulled my suitcase out of the closet and began to pack. I didn't want to linger in here any longer than necessary, I didn't want to chance running in to any of them. My heart wasn't ready for the looks of pity or the false words of apology that I was sure to hear. My recent shopping trip with everyone helped me in so many ways, I only had to pull out the clothes that I bought and put them in the suitcase. I grabbed the jewelry that Alice insisted had to go with the clothes and threw that in as well. I pulled another bag out for the shoes and filled it. All of this happened much faster than I wanted. I wasn't ready to let go yet. I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I pulled a sheet of paper out and scribbled a note for Edward. I don't know why I felt like he deserved it but I did it anyway. Maybe it was more for me than for him anyway. I was letting him go, in small pieces.
Edward,
I'm sorry that I can't do this face to face. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do that so I am taking the coward's way out. I'm going on the publicity tour with Charlotte. I will be gone three weeks. When I get back we can talk then. I'm sorry for dragging this out, I know you wanted to do this sooner than that. But I can't do it now, I am just so hurt that I need some space first. I promise that this is not to punish you, I just need some time to think and figure out what I want to do. I promise that I will be ready when I get back.
For what it's worth thank you for what you gave me and all that you helped me through. I am proud of the growth that you have made and I wish you the best for your life. You deserve all of the happiness in the world; just make sure that you never settle. And please don't let love blind you this time. I hope that Tanya is ready for your love, and she can now return that love. She is a lucky girl! I think, if I'm honest with myself, deep down you have always held a part of my heart and you always will. I'm sorry that I couldn't be all that you wanted. Take care of yourself!
Love Always,
Bella
I laid it in the middle of his bed on his pillow. I left the house and climbed back into the taxi.
The tears started to fall about halfway down the drive. I wanted to rush into his arms and tell him that I would take whatever part of him he could give me. But deep down I knew that I would never be happy with just part of his heart. I was selfish and wanted it all.
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