Chapter 6- We're in this car for how many miles?

Chapter 6 – We’re in this car for how many miles?

I arrived at the airport about twenty minutes before Renee’s plane was scheduled to land. I had stopped at Starbucks on the way because I needed some caffeine and knew Renee would need something to help keep her warm, she was after all only used to warm weather. With my cappuccino and Renee’s latte in hand, I headed toward the baggage area. I looked at the board and noticed that her flight was on time, so I went and found myself a bench. I had only been sitting for about 10 minutes when I saw the board change, her flight had landed and baggage would be at baggage area 6, so I wandered down the terminal to find it

I waited for a few minutes, getting a little anxious to finally see her. I had known that she missed me while I was out here, but now the realization of how much I had truly missed her hit me full force. I knew that Edward, Alice and of course school had filled up most of my time. I guess I just hadn’t realized how much of my time was really spent with my two best friends; the two of them kept me from realizing how much I missed her, until now.

I didn’t want to think about Edward and all the ways he had taken up my time. Why did his name and memories always come up?

I needed to get to Dartmout and quickly. I needed a space that wasn’t filled with Edward. Otherwise I’d lose my mind and run back to Forks, which meant that I would be running back to Edward, and to hell with everyone else.

I could tell I had hurt him badly; I could see it in his eyes. He was totally unprepared for what I said. I felt evil for making him think that I wanted to date other guys. I just felt like that was the best way to force him to let me go and start getting over me.

Of course, the pain I was feeling was unbearable, so it was a little hard to convince myself that all of this was the best idea. It was a constant ache-- I felt it all over. I was sure any minute I was going to hyperventilate. I needed to get it together, I didn’t need to show this level of emotion to Renee, or we’d spend the whole trip talking about Edward. I couldn’t handle almost 3000 miles of talking about Edward-- that would put me in the nut house for sure.

Renee stepped off of the escalator and started waving. She must have seen me as she descended from her vantage point. I’m sure it was easier to see through the crowd. I walked to her and she hugged me, letting me know how much I was missed. I pulled back and smiled at her. I had really missed her!

“So, college girl, are you ready for your new adventure?” Her face held a combination of fear and excitement, as I handed her latte.

“You bet I am. What about you? Are you ready to turn your girl loose and send her off to college?” I knew without a doubt that the answer was no but deep down inside she wanted this adventure for me as much as I wanted it myself. She missed out on this when she was my age.

“No, no, and no! When did you get old enough to go off to college anyway?” The teasing in her eyes spilled over to her voice.

“Day by day, I promise. Let’s go get your luggage. I want to show you what Dad did for me. You’re going to be so surprised.”

“Oh no, is it a good or bad surprise?” Charlie never surprised anyone, so it was hard for her to gauge what kind of surprise this would be.

“No, it’s good, definitely good!” I was still shocked at his grand gesture.

We stood patiently waiting for the conveyor belt to send out the luggage to us.

“That one Bella, the large red one, pull it off. That’s the only one I have, so let’s go and see this surprise.” She directed as I pulled the suitcase off of the conveyor belt and moved towards the door.

We walked out to the lot and started down the aisle where I left the Pilot. Renee was slightly ahead of me, because I was pulling her suitcase. She was about two cars away from the Pilot when I hit the unlock button on the key remote. The car beeped at her and the lights flashed. She jumped and turned to me.

“I hate when that happens, I will never understand these alarms, seems like everything in the world makes them go off. I’ll never have a car that has one.” Her disdain was clear as she threw her hands around in mock horror. I had finally taught her to text within the last few months, technology was certainly not her best friend.

Renee walked over to the other side of the row, getting as much distance as she could between her and the offending car.

“Mom, I made it go off. Don’t get huffy, it was me, this is my surprise. Dad got me this car this morning.” I dropped her suitcase and waved at my ‘new’ car. Stunned silence from Renee, I don’t think I had ever seen stunned silence from her, ever. I continued on with my explanation of Charlie’s actions. “He said he was worried about the truck making it all the way to New Hampshire. I’m so glad he did, because I was worried about the same thing.” I decided to test the waters and see exactly how much she knew about Charlie after their divorce. “Did you know he has saved for years for me to go to college?” She shrugged, apparently still in shock. She was never silent this long. “Since I got the full scholarship, he spent some of the money on this car. It’s paid for, and he says it’s really safe. Besides, the gas mileage is about 300%%%%%55 better than my truck.” I waved again at it like I was Vanna White showing off the prize up for grabs on this round of Wheel of Fortune. “So here we are, besides won’t it be nice to have a comfortable seat since we’re going almost 3000 miles? You’ll be thanking him when your butt is not sore from the seats.” I tossed her suitcase in the back seat beside all of my stuff and motioned towards the door. “Now get in, so we can get on the road.”

I laughed at her look of shock. Charlie would be happy that he managed to surprise both of us.

“You know, Bella, your Dad is a great man. I’ll tell him that when we call and check in tonight.” Renee seemed to appreciate Charlie much better when she wasn’t married to him any longer. I guess some things work out for the best after all, they both seemed much happier on their own.

“Did he call you? I told him I would check in; I don’t know why he had to call you.” I huffed at Renee, upset that Charlie didn’t trust me enough to allow me enough leeway to follow through on my promise, on my own.

Charlie is and always would be a worrier when it came to me traveling, occupational hazard I guess.

“Bella, he didn’t call, I just know how he is; he’d be happy if you called and checked in hourly. I don’t know why he’s so worried; we’ll be fine. But call him and let him know we are ready to start off on our grand adventure, just in case he is worried.” Renee apparently found her voice again as she rushed it all out in one breath.

Deep down I knew that Renee was happy that Charlie insisted on the constant checking in; I think she was a big old scared-ycat deep down inside.

“Wow, you’re almost as bad as he is.” I started dialing, and I swear it hadn’t even rung once when he picked up. “Hey Dad, Mom is here and we’re just about to start off. She wanted me to let you know. And by the way, she loves the car. She said to tell you that you’re a great Dad.”

“Thanks, Bells, and tell your Mom thanks also. You two be careful. Call me when you stop to eat.” Once a cop, always a cop.

“I will, talk to you soon.”

We both buckled up and I started the car, Renee turned on the radio, and we pulled out of the airport parking lot. Only 2969 more miles to go. New Hampshire here I come!

~~**~~**~~

After five days, almost 3000 miles, and lots of greasy diner food, we arrived in Hanover, New Hampshire. I followed the directions from my email and pulled up in front of a tall building. It looked like it could house at least 300 students.

I walked in and knocked on the DA’s door. She yelled and cursed all the way to the door. She jerked it open, and I was surprised to find a small woman with bright red hair staring back at me. She was about Alice’s size and was just as loud; what was with these small women? I told her who I was, and she gave me a key to room 106.

Great news, my room was on the first floor, which meant no hauling my stuff upstairs, and for that, I was thankful.

Renee and I went in and checked out the room. It was a decent sized room, and had a great window. It didn’t open, but I didn’t care; it was better than some I had seen in brochures for other schools. My room was set up for one person. When the other students came back after the summer, I would have to share, but for now I had the room to myself. I really wasn’t ready to share with a stranger just yet, anyhow, so this really was a win-win situation. Angela and I were still hoping to room together when she got here.

Renee and I got all of my stuff into the room and made short work of organizing. I tried not to bring too much stuff. I knew I’d be sharing and wouldn’t have a lot of space, so I tried to pack light, much to the chagrin of a certain pixie back home named Alice.

With most of the work done, we headed off to eat dinner, and then Renee needed to get to the airport. After five days together, I was going to be sad when she left; I would miss her.

“Bella, you haven’t mentioned Edward all week. Are you sure you’re okay with this? The silence is sort of sounding like avoidance to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

This is why I loved living with Charlie; he picked up on almost nothing. Renee, however, picked up on almost everything. I had thought that maybe I was in the clear; neither of us had brought it up the entire trip out and with only about three hours until she’d be boarding the plane, I really thought I had avoided it completely. I guess I let my façade slip a little too much.

“Mom, I don’t want to get into this now. I have already told you, I thought this was a good time to end things with Edward.” I blew out a long breath and tried to collect my thoughts and to prepare exactly what I wanted to say to her. “I knew college was going to be hard for both of us, and we would both need to concentrate on our studies. I know it’s not going to do me any good, sitting here worrying about him and what he’s doing, and vice versa.” Renee seemed to be waiting for my full answer, her face showed the contemplative nature of our conversation. “So I thought that we shouldn’t put that kind of pressure on each other. We’re free to concentrate on college and enjoy our experiences without the pressure.”

“Bella, I hear the words and I understand them.” She patted my hand and pulled it into her lap. The last time we sat in this exact position flashed through my mind. She was trying to break it to my 10 year old self that my grandmother had died. “What I don’t understand is why the two of you are fooling yourselves into believing them. I’ve never seen two people your age that are so put together and sure of where you’re going in the world.” My mind flashed to all of the plans that Edward and I had dreamed up. It was funny, but we made every decision for the future together. We had it all laid out. I wondered how each of us would fulfill those dreams now on our own. Would they change much or would we stick to what we had planned exactly. Renee waived her hand in front of my face, and I realized that she was still talking. After a brief examination of my face, she continued her speech. “And I have never seen two people who are so in love at your age. Not a high school kind of love, but real love, so what makes you think that you couldn’t last through a little separation?”

“Mom, I just don’t know…” I tried to organize an argument that she couldn’t dispute, but she cut off my line of thinking before I could even really start it.

“You’re only a few hours’ from him. It’d be easier for you to get to him than it would be to get to me or your dad. That’s what I don’t understand, Bella.” Her eyebrows creased in frustration.

“Mom, this is not a drama filled soap opera. It is exactly like I said. I thought you of all people would understand what I meant.” The anger at myself threatened to spill over onto Renee. I needed to reign in my emotions before I said something to hurt Renee when none of this was her fault at all. I unclenched my fists from around the steering wheel and slowed my breathing. When I felt more in control, I began again. “I know you’ve said plenty of times that you wished you’d taken some time before you and dad rushed into marriage. Well, that is what I’m doing. I’m taking the time to figure out who I am and where I belong in the world before I’m ready to settle down.” Renee’s expression changed from one of skepticism to understanding. “If that means I don’t date, then I don’t; if I do then I do. I don’t care either way. If I end up with Edward, then I end up with him. I just want options right now.”

“Bella, you always have options, and yes, I understand. I just liked Edward. I thought he was good for you.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eyes and tried to pretend that I needed to keep my eyes on the road. I sat in silence waiting for her to continue.

Finally, after a few minutes she finished her statements. “I won’t question you anymore; you decide your future. I know you can handle that. You’re a great woman, and you’ll be fine. I’m sure of it. Look out world, here comes Bella.”

She waved her hands in front of her, like she was clearing the way for me. I had to laugh at her; she really was kinda crazy.

“Thanks, Mom.”

The rest of the ride to the airport was silent, each of us caught up in all our thoughts. I couldn’t tell if Renee believed my story or not. Many times in the past, I thought I’d fooled her, and she hadn’t believed me for a minute, so who knows.

I had spent some time deciding what I wanted out of college, and what experiences I thought I could skip. I knew that Angela would be here in a few months, and I was really glad to have someone I knew to share it with. I was not big on the whole make friends with a stranger thing, so if I could last until when Angela got here, I would be okay.

Before I knew it, Renee was safely on her plane, and I was back in my lonely dorm room. I decided that all day tomorrow I wanted to wander around and get the lay of the land. Even with the emotional roller coaster I had been on over the past few weeks, I was really excited to be at school, and not just any school, but my dream school, but at the same time, it was all bittersweet. I grabbed my cell and texted Alice:

A-

Im here, and by myself. I miss u! I’ll call soon, thanks for still being my friend! Love u lots!

B <3

I wanted her to know that I got her message from Charlie. That I had not abandoned her; I needed her now more than ever. I felt my phone vibrate and flipped it open before it even rang. It was Alice-- I was sure of it.

B-

Im srry ur alone! We ALL miss u, srry u had to leave so quick! R u ok? Call when u can, lots of love to u 2!

A <3

Usually she knew what to say to make me feel like everything was going to be alright, but this time I still had doubts. I didn’t want to call in case Edward was close by and because I was afraid I would put her in the middle. I really wanted to know how Edward was doing, but would she even tell me if I asked? Was it fair of me to ask? Did I deserve to know? I finally threw caution to the wind and decided, I had to know how he was, so I responded to her text.

A-

How is E? Is he ok? Im sorry I hurt him! Take care of him 4 me, k?

B

Should I have done that? Was she going to tell him I asked about him? Would she over react to my asking? What had I done?

She didn’t give me long to think about it as I once again felt my phone vibrate.

B-

Course I’ll take care of him! He’s not great, but I think he’ll be ok. He’ll need time. He really loved you! R u sure this is what u want? It’s not 2 late!

A

I sent one right back to her.

A-

I REALLY AM SORRY, I didn’t mean to hurt him, I need time to figure this out! Don’t tell him we talk I don’t want to hurt him more, or build up his hope. I was afraid I had lost you as well, I’m glad we can still be friends. I promise to call when I get settled!

B

I felt better knowing Alice was still there for me. I felt like I would be okay.

I looked at the clock, it was only 9, but I was so emotionally and physically drained that I had to go to bed. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my mind down so I could get some sleep. I let myself think of Edward, how he looked so good in that black t-shirt he was wearing when I saw him for the first time, walking through the cafeteria. I also thought of him and the way he looked after the first time we had sex. He was so wonderful, so sweet and passionate. It always amazed me how Edward was able to convey his love with words, touches, looks, and silent thoughts. He always knew what I needed, and gave it to me.

With all of my thoughts catching up to me I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I felt like I was an empty shell of the person that I once was and the pain was overwhelming. All I could do was close my eyes and let the tears fall. This wasn’t a loud sobbing cry, this was the silent my-pain-is-too-deep-to-express kind of cry. I knew this wasn’t the last time tears would fall for Edward; I knew this would be a nightly ritual. And that was okay with me. At least I’d still have him in my memories. I wanted to keep this emotional release to myself, without anyone else’s interferences, so I was okay with it happening here at this time. I’d allow myself to love Edward now, giving myself time to be better by the morning.

When I woke up to my cell phone beeping, I grabbed it thinking maybe I missed a text from Alice last night. I opened it and saw it was a voice message instead. It came in twelve minutes ago. I wondered who would be calling at 6:43 a.m? I hit the button and entered my code to hear it.

“Bella, it’s me, Edward. I just wanted to make sure you’re there and you are okay. Alice said she spoke with your Dad, and he told her you were fine. I’m sorry you’re gone. I tried to talk to you before you left.” I could hear the emotion in his voice. He was barely holding it together. “I miss you and I want you to know I still love you. I will always love you. Please, know that.” He paused and cleared his throat. I didn’t know if he was going to continue. “I’ll let you go Bella- it’ll kill me, but I’ll do it. I just want you to be happy; it is what I have always wanted. I won’t call anymore, I promise. I don’t think I’m strong enough to call and be casual friends with you, please don’t hate me for that.” My heart broke at the thought of hating him for any reason. “I know you and Alice are best friends, and I know she still needs you. Please don’t let me keep you from calling her. I promise its okay.” The sniffle was so faint I almost believed that I made it up. But I heard another one as he began speaking again. “You’re…uh…You’re amazing--I want you to remember that. Bella, make sure the guys treat you the way you deserve. And please know that I am always here for you, for any reason. If you ever decide that this is not what you want, I will be here waiting for you. I wish you well. Thanks for the great times, and thanks for loving me, please take care of yourself. I love you.”

Edward was saying goodbye to me, of course he needed to do this, he needed to move on. I saved the message and closed the phone. I knew I’d want to hear his voice again, and this was my last chance. I wanted to cry because the pain in his voice was evident. I know he was far worse than Alice said he was; I could hear it in his voice. I wasn’t sure I had done the right thing. Maybe I should’ve given him a choice, maybe I was wrong.

I needed to get a hold of myself. His own mother said I was no good for him. She should know-- he’s her son, she knows him better than anyone. Medical schools are so tough, and he’ll need all of his focus, his parents and him had been so set on medical school for so long, and he didn’t need anything standing in his way. I was simply a distraction to him and heaven knows he has enough pressure on him, the last thing he needs is a distraction like me.

I’d known all along that I didn’t deserve him and he should have moved on. He was too good-looking, too popular, and too rich. How was I going to compete with that? I needed to be thankful for what I’d had for as long as I’d had it. He’d be fine, the girls will fall all over him, and in no time he’d be over me. We could both move on, and that’s what I want. Everyone ended up happy. Isn’t that the way the stories tell it? Now if I can move on, we’ll all be happy.

I fell back to sleep, and dreamt of our 10 year class reunion. Edward walked in and had a beautiful blonde on his arm. He was successful and she and their 2.5 kids were perfect. I was a wreck, alone, and unemployed.

Wait, what, unemployed? How the hell could I tell that from a dream? What the hell, now I can’t even get a job? So running off to college wasn’t even going to get me a job in the future.

I needed to wake up, and get on with my day. This dream wasn’t going anywhere I wanted to go.