Chapter 8- How Do I Deal?

Chapter 8- How Do I Deal?

Bella

After what I hoped was a nutritious lunch, I headed back to the dorm. I needed to lie down. I needed more time to think, and I needed to do it in the comfort of my sweats in my bed. I entered the room and Angela was sitting on her bed, cross-legged with her book open. She looked up and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" The concern was obvious in her voice.

"Yeah, I just went to the clinic and got checked out. I figured I deserved a day off after the news they gave me." I turned my back on her and removed my bag from my shoulder. I couldn't face her yet.

"Well, what did they say?" I slowly turned to meet her gaze and she blanched when our eyes met.

I opened my mouth to speak and instead I burst into tears. Angela jumped up from the bed and ran to me. She put her arms around me and held me close for a few minutes. She let me cry until I slowed down enough for us to talk. She directed us over to the couch, and sat us down.

"Bella, start off slow and tell me exactly what's going on. Please."

"Ang, it's terrible, probably the worst news I could get right now. I mean I know I have always taken care of everyone else, but who says I want to do that right now. How am I going to do that? I don't even know my plans for the next semester, much less the next 20 years." She handed me a tissue and I wiped my eyes. The action never stopped the words rushing from my mouth. "Charlie's going to kill me and Renee, well who knows what she'll say. She's so unpredictable." I sniffed and blew my nose into the tissue. "Telling Edward, that's going to be the hard part, I mean I want him to know, but then again I don't. I don't want to keep him from his child, but I just broke up with him."Angela's eyebrows shot up on her head and she tightened her grip on my hand she held. Thankfully she didn't interrupt my mental ramblings. She let me carry on. "How am I supposed to get over him if I have to be around him? I know he's going to want to be there during the pregnancy and then after the baby is born; well he will probably want to move in to be around all of the time. All I ever heard from him is how great a father his real Dad was, and how great Carlisle had been to him." I paused and blew again. Angela must have had the patience of a saint because she continued to sit and wait for me to get to the point where she could ask her questions. "He said it was like Carlisle was born to be a father. He was a great Dad to Emmett and Alice, but when Edward came along he knew exactly how to be a great dad to him to, without letting Edward forget what a great dad his birth father was too. Hell, he is even like a dad to Jasper, Rose and me. Edward always said that between Carlisle and his real dad he had learned everything he needed to know to start down the path to being a great father himself. Of course he didn't know that was going to happen now, and not later." I broke into tears again and threw myself at Angela. "Oh Ang, tell me what to do. I want to call him, but I don't want to hurt him anymore. Please you're so smart, tell me what do I do?" I sobbed against her chest as I unloaded everything to her. My verbal vomiting took over where the physical vomiting left off.

"So I take it they told you that you were pregnant?" She started off with a basic and simple question but it still caused more tears.

I just nodded to her, and lowered my head. Tears were falling silently down my cheeks. I, for the first time in my life had no idea how to get myself out of this, without someone getting hurt badly. I just didn't know if it was going to be Edward, our child, or me and to be honest, at this point I would rather it be me.

This thought brought home the fact that there was a child growing in my stomach.

I knew that I already loved this baby, I knew as soon as I had heard the news, how could I not no matter what this child this perfect child was created out of the love that I had for the perfect man, for my other half, for my soul mate. But love didn't help me overcome all of the obstacles that I would face. I would certainly have a little piece of Edward Cullen, but how do I balance all of this without hurting him. Do I tell him or let his child go through life without its father?

I looked deep into Angela's eyes and they were soft and full of understanding. I knew she loved her twin brothers and she had helped her Mom with them a lot. I was thankful that she was here with me to help me get through this. I sat just letting her hold me for a minute.

"Bella, let's take a deep breath. Right now you need to get some sleep. We can deal with the Edward situation when you have decided what your plan is. None of that has to be solved right now. You'll be able to think when you are rested, so go and get into something to sleep in."

I sniffed and wiped away the tears that still slipped silently down my face. "How did I get so lucky? I can't tell you how great you are, I really appreciate you and your help."

I went into the bathroom, changed, washed my face and headed back to the room. I wanted to eat that leftover Chinese takeout we had in the fridge, and then I wanted sleep. Tomorrow I would decide what to do, but today all I would worry about was getting something to eat and some sleep.

I glanced at the calendar, October 10. I let out a long sigh, I really needed to decide what I was going to do; I have known that I was pregnant for almost two months. I was no closer to making a decision about what to do than I was the day I found out. There was a small baby bump that was starting to show; I couldn't wear my jeans anymore, I lived in sweatpants and oversized hoodies. Angela kept telling me that we needed to go shopping for maternity clothes but I knew that if I started wearing maternity clothes it wouldn't take long for everyone to know, then the questions would start, they would ask what my plans were, and I needed to have an answer. I also needed to tell my parents, I felt so guilty for not letting them know already. I usually didn't keep things from either of them, and this was a big thing, so it was worse that I was keeping this from them.

Angela had been great, she knew everything about pregnancy. She was around for her Mom when she was pregnant with the twins. She went to the Doctors appointments with me and bought me this pregnancy book. The book broke it down week by week and told everything that was happening that week. I was no longer having morning sickness, so I wasn't as cranky which I am sure Angela was happy about.

My OB/GYN told me that my due date is February 18th. That means I will miss the spring semester next year. I had planned on attending classes straight through until I finished but I guess one semester off wouldn't kill me, my biggest concerns was where I would live when I took that semester off and how I could keep going to Dartmouth and take care of a baby.

After contemplating all of these things, I knew it was time, I had to call Renee, I needed advice, the kind of advice that you need to get from your mother. I knew I would have to call Charlie after I talked to her, but no matter what I needed my mom first. I was glad I was here and not in Forks, I could only imagine how the rumors would run rampant there.

I picked up my phone and dialed before I lost my courage. Let's hope she was ready for this, because I can honestly say, I am not.

"Mom, hey, how're you?"

"Bella, I'm great, what's up with you? You okay?"

"Why do you ask?" I was trying to avoid lying to her, but I wanted to know what her Mother's intuition was telling her before I spill my secret.

"Silly Bella, a mother knows when something is wrong with her little girl. Spill it, you know you can't hide anything from me."

Okay, so maybe there was something to that Mother's intuition after all.

"Mom, uh…this is big, you uh… you might need to sit down. And, please, let me finish before you ask any questions. Please."

"Okay," her voice was shaky, scared to hear what news would need to be prefaced by that speech, I'm sure.

"Mom I'm pregnant, I know this is a big shock, and trust me this was not in my plans. I hadn't even decided if I was going to have kids, but I guess I am because I have decided to keep the baby. Before you ask, yes the baby is Edward's, no I haven't told him yet and to be perfectly honest don't know what I'm going to tell him or if I even should. Please don't push for answers, I'll figure something out, but I haven't decided yet." I could feel myself winding up and spilling all of the details that I knew so hopefully I could avoid some of Renee's questions. I didn't want her to know how not together I was with this. "All I know right now is that I love this baby. It's due February 18th, and I don't know what it is yet. I'll take the spring semester off and have the baby. That will give me almost three months to be at home with it and then I hope I will be able to start back in the summer. That's all I know for now. Okay, go ahead ask."

"Bella, why didn't you call me sooner? I could have helped you so much?" Her voice was full of concern. I felt guilty for assuming that she would pounce on the fact that I didn't have a plan in place yet. I forgot that I was her daughter and she would of course be concerned for me and my well being during this.

"Mom, how could you have helped?" I wanted to put her fears at ease.

"Bella, emotional support helps a lot, I couldn't fly in and make it all different, but I could have listened and helped you make decisions." She certainly had a point there. "

"I'm sorry for not calling. Usually I have things so planned out and it was killing me to feel so out of control this time. I felt like if I talked to you, you would want to know what my plan was, and since I really didn't know, it would make me look like I was a failure, well more of a failure than becoming pregnant at 18 would make me."

"Bella, you are my daughter and you are not a failure in any way. You never will be." I had heard this tone of voice before, only once though, when the other girls made fun of me in elementary school for not being that good at dodge ball. Renee went into the school and admonished the girls for the teasing and the teacher for allowing it. It was her I mean business voice.

"What does the Doctor say? Are you and the baby healthy? Are you gaining the right amount of weight?" The serious tone remained for the next question. "Bella, did you say you haven't told Edward and you don't know if you are going to?

I decided to skip the last part for now and answer the previous questions first. "Angela has been great, she has helped so much. She is patient with me, and talks me out of my crazy ideas. The Doctor says we are both very health and yes I have gained about 10 pounds. I need to gain twenty-five pounds by my due date, so I'm right on track." I took a deep breath before answering the part I know she really wants answers to the most. I was so confused and hated that I couldn't make a simple decision. "I still don't know what to do about Edward. I don't want to keep him from his child, but part of me can't decide if letting him know about this as he is starting the long process for his Medical Degree is good. Mom he was never 100% sure he wanted to be a doctor to begin with, but he feels that he needs to be to make Carlisle proud, he feels like he owes him this for taking him in and becoming the father that he needed him to be, that is so much pressure on him already, I don't know if I can in good conscience put more pressure on him like that. I have a little over a month left before I go home to Forks for winter break; I figure I'll need to know by then. Maybe you can help me talk it all out and that may help me make my decision." I offered, I knew that Renee wanted to help and knew that this would assuage her guilt for being so far away from me at this emotional time.

"Bella, are you over Edward, or is this deeper? You talk a lot about not bothering him, but I hear something else in your voice. Is there something else going on?"

"No Mom! I'm just sure this is going to be a big shock for him. First, I break up with him and go off to college. Then I call and say 'oh yeah by the way I'm pregnant with your child'. How do you think he's going to handle that? Alice already said it took him forever to even come out of his room, much less get back to normal, and now I lay this on him."

"I know, honey, but don't you think he has a right to know. This isn't just your situation, it's his too. He does deserve the right to choose, he is the father now too. You can't choose for him and expect him to be okay with that." I knew deep down that she was right but damn if it didn't hurt to hear her say, in very nice words, that I was fucking up his life anyway. No matter what I chose, we both lost at this point.

I tried to go down the only line of reasoning that I could think of to make her understand that I needed to keep him out of this for as long as possible. "Besides I don't want him to think that this changes anything between us, it doesn't, he has a life to live and I don't want to interfere with that, it just isn't fair to him if I do" I add with a little too much emphasis.

"Bella, even if you aren't ready for things to change, he still deserves to know about the baby. He's a great guy, and he doesn't deserve to be shut out. Have you realized that if you don't tell him he'll miss out on all the firsts that the baby will do." The passion in Renee's voice almost had me caving in. Besides, let's be honest I wanted to call Edward up and just crawl in his lap and let him hold me until all of this goes away.

"Bella, I know when we left that the distance killed your Dad, and he knew about you. It just hurt to not be there when you did all of the things that he wanted to be a part of. So no matter how the two of you decide to handle the relationship between you both, the baby deserves to have both of its parents. I'll put my foot down Bella. Don't do this to the baby, don't shut out its father, if you call Edward and he doesn't want to be a part of this, then fine, but give him the choice. Please, you'll be so much happier if you do the right thing, by Edward and the baby." Renee was channeling her inner parent and her advice was right on, I was so frustrated to hear once again that she knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I wanted her to be her flaky old self and not this new uber-mom that knew what I should do and why I should do it. She continued on with a new softer tone to her voice. "Now, do you need anything? Do I need to shop for you and send you clothes, what about for the baby? What do you need for the baby?"

"Mom, I'm fine for now. I don't need anything yet, but I'll let you know." Her words were slowly setting in for me and I needed more time to think about how I was handling things. "I'll think about Edward and me and let you know what I'm going to do. Okay? Thanks for the advice." I tried to lighten the mood a little and reassure her that I was okay for now. "I think Angela and I are going to have to move off campus to have enough room for all three of us. We are both fed up with dorm life anyway, so no big deal." I took a deep breath and let it out. Renee stayed silent, allowing me enough rope to climb out or hang myself, I wasn't sure which scenario that I was going to be able to pull off. "Is it okay if I go now and get a little rest before I go in to the library?"

"Yes, go get some rest." She sat silent for a few seconds before she continued, "Phil and I are behind you all the way, you choose what's right for you and the baby and we'll back you up. You know that right?"

"I know Mom, thank you both."

"The team is flying Phil and I out to LA for this baseball charity thing. We're leaving tomorrow, on their private jet. I'll be gone for about three days and then I'll be home. What do you think about me coming up for a few days when I get back?"

"I think that's a great idea, I could use my Mom for a few days." I sighed happy to have her support.

"I love you Bella."

"I know. Tell Phil thanks for me, you both are great, I don't know what I would do without you. I love you, Mom. Bye."

Okay one down, and only a few hundred more calls to make. Obviously I am exaggerating just a little but it seriously felt like I had a ton of people to talk to about this. I think of all of them that I need Charlie is probably going to be the easiest. How strange of a statement is that, telling your Dad that you're pregnant is going to be the easier than telling anyone else. I chuckled in spite of myself. I couldn't believe the turns that my life has taken.

I laid back on the bed and tried to collect up enough courage to call Charlie. Even if he was going to be the easiest, it was still going to be hard on me.

After a few minutes, I change my mind about calling Charlie today. I think I've had enough phone calls for today, Charlie can wait until tomorrow.

I knew eventually I was going to have to call Edward although part of me wonders if it would just be better to tell him when I go home for winter break, I don't know that this is news that I should break over the phone. I just hope a solution on how to handle things with him comes to me before that visit, Lord knows I'm thinking on it hard enough.

Just as I put my phone down it vibrated, I hadn't really talked to Alice since she arrived at school. She had tried to call a few times but I just couldn't find it in me to talk, we exchanged texts about once a week, but I was always vague. When I saw the message it just reminded me of how much I missed her.

B

I know u are avoiding me, please stop pushing me away, I miss u

Luv u.

A

I felt horrible, of course she saw right thru me. I knew why I was pushing Alice away of course; I just couldn't talk to her without wanting to break down, losing Edward has been so hard on me and every time I had talked to Alice I wanted to tell her why I left him. There was just something different about the bond I shared with Alice, we were like sisters, but because of my decisions I knew that we couldn't be as close, it wouldn't be fair to her, what would happen when Edward did find the one he was suppose to be with, I didn't want her to feel like she was betraying me. Keeping Alice wasn't really an option for me.

A

I'm not, I prmis just really busy. I miss u 2

Luv u back!

B

I wanted to tell her to call so I could hear every detail of how college has been for her so far, but I was too afraid if we actually spoke she would know something was up. I was nowhere near ready to tell Alice. First she would be completely disappointed in me for keeping it from her for so long, then she would tell Edward so fast it would make my head spin, and if Edward was going to hear about this, I wanted him to hear it from me. I knew that I at least owed him that much.

I had decided to turn my phone off just in case Alice called or texted back right away. I wanted to get some uninterrupted sleep, and Angela was out for the night with Ben so this was my chance. I seemed to never get enough sleep now days. I'm glad for it; it keeps me from laying awake crying for Edward. So I guess we all benefit from this pregnancy. My attempt at humor fell flat even in my mind so I guess that should be my clue that I am over tired.

I awoke the next morning surprised at how well I had slept, I didn't even remember dreaming or hearing Angela come home for that matter.

I showered quickly and got ready for classes. I had two classes today and then I had to work.

Once my boss found out I was pregnant she moved me to the circulation desk, it was one of the few sit down jobs at the library, it worked out perfectly because I I didn't have to climb any ladders or reach for heavy text books anymore which with my lack of coordination was never a bad thing. I wouldn't even try lie and say that I wasn't thankful for the move. Now I just sit and request the books that people need, and send out notices for overdue items. It wasn't as much fun, but it wasn't as tiring either, so all was good.

I was leaving the cafeteria after having lunch, heading to the library, when Angela caught up with me. She looked frantic, and Ben was with her. This didn't look good.

"Bella, where the hell have you been and where is your phone?" Angela never used that kind of language, so it just conformed that something was real wrong.

"Angela, I had class today, afterwards I came here to eat lunch. What's wrong, why are you so frantic, you're scaring me?" Panic was setting in, and I could feel my heart accelerate.

"Bella, your Dad has been trying to get in touch with you all day. He has called your cell a million times, he finally called my Mom and she gave him my number. Do you have your cell with you?"

"Yes, I turned it off last night so Alice couldn't call me, and I guess I forgot to turn it back on this morning. I was rushing, so I didn't pay it any attention." I went to turn my phone back on but Angela's face blanched, she grabbed the phone from me and handed it to Ben.

"Bella, yours is probably dead by now, why don't you call your Dad on my phone, let's go sit on that bench and you can call him?" She put her arm around my shoulders and led me over to it.

Ben followed behind us; he grabbed both of our bags as we sat down. He just stood looking at us, but he wouldn't allow his eye to meet mine. I started to sweat, and queasiness was taking over my stomach, I knew something was wrong. Really wrong! I hadn't even paid attention when she dialed and before I knew it she was handing me the phone.

When the line stopped ringing, I started yelling into the phone before Charlie could even speak a greeting. "Dad, Angela is scaring the hell out of me, what's going on? Why have you been trying to get a hold of me?"

"Bella, first I want you to know that I talked to Angela this morning and she told me about you being pregnant, now please don't be angry at her, she was just looking out for you." I glared at her, obviously angry at her that she told Charlie behind my back. "I have some bad news Bella; please sit down before I tell you, okay?" The anger disappeared at his words. Charlie had his official voice on that he used to talk to the families that he came in contact with while on duty, the families that he usually had to deliver bad news to.

"Dad I'm sitting down, now tell me, I can't wait any longer, YOU'RE SCARING ME!" I felt bad for yelling at my Dad but I needed to know what is going on and I needed to know now.

"Bella, your Mom and Phil were on a private jet headed for LA today, and the radio tower has lost both communication and radar contact with their plane." I sucked in a large breath and held it. Shock and disbelief seeped through my mind. Charlie rushed to continue, "No one is sure yet of the outcome of the plane at this time, but it doesn't look good Bella, they suspect that it has crashed, although they are unsure where. I'm sorry to tell you this over the phone, but I didn't want you to find out from anyone else, and I knew I didn't have time to fly out to tell you."

I struggled trying to answer, ask or just say something. "I, uh…I just. Uh, well, I." The last sound broke off into a strangled cry.

"Bella, I think it would be best if you flew home for now, and that way we can be together when the details come in. If you're here with me I can get you to LA faster to see Renee and Phil than if you try to get there from New Hampshire." I nodded to him, knowing that he couldn't see my answer but only needing to move my body and feel like I had control over something in my life right now.

"Bella how soon can you get to the airport, I want to book you a flight but I know you will need to talk to your professors and the library before that happens?"

All at once my brain kicked in and I flooded Charlie with questions. "Dad, are you sure? When did you find out? Why didn't they call me?" Other words were taking over my thoughts, plane, crash, not sure of the outcome. I couldn't think of the meaning of the whole sentences, all I could process was each word by itself. I looked up at Angela hoping that she could offer any help.

Charlie's soothing voice answered me instead of Angela. "Bella, your Mom had me down as her emergency contact. She told me years ago that I was on her list, she didn't want anyone calling and telling you any bad news so she put me down so they could call me instead."

"Okay, uh…"

"I found out at about ten this morning. The plane was somewhere in California, but that is all they told me. They don't have many details available yet. It may take them a while to let us know anything." Up until this point Charlie held it all together but his next statement to me nearly broke me right then. "Please come home Bella, I want you here." Charlie's voice broke. I knew he had years of training to hold it together during the crisis, he would remain calm, cool and do what needed to be done. His small crack scared the hell out of me.

"Yeah Dad, Angela will help me get my stuff together, I'll call work and talk to my Professors. Give me a few minutes and then I'll call you back when I know when I'm flying out okay?"

"Bella, that's great, tell Angela thanks. Don't let this worry you, it'll work out. Take care of yourself and my grandchild, okay?" I could hear his hand scratching at something close to the phone receiver when he added, "I love you Bella."