Chapter 7- Sweet Freedom or Pure Hell?

Chapter 7- Sweet Freedom or Pure Hell?

Bella

My first day on my own, well technically on my own, in truth I really have been on my own for about 8 years. Renee was well Renee and that meant that it was my job to make sure that there was food on the table and the bills were being paid, at least until Phil became a part of her life. Charlie wasn't much different, he paid the bills but I still did all of the cooking and cleaning. It was liberating to know I only had to worry about me. I only had to worry about taking care of myself for the first time in my life. Not that I had free reign, Charlie didn't hover but he still loved details, but now I could do what I wanted, and go where I wanted without even checking in with anyone, it was very liberating.

I really hope that Charlie doesn't try to cook too often while I'm away.

I decided to go to the library, to not only see where I was going to be working, but also to get an idea of where everything was. As long as I could get used to my surroundings then I'd go wherever my little heart desired. I was on my own, and I would go where the wind blew, God, I am starting to sound like Renee.

Hello world!

After leaving the library I spent the day wandering around the campus and getting to know my way around. After several hours of walking I thought going back to the dorm and unpacking the rest of my things would be a good idea. At about eight, I decided that a pizza would be a great reward to myself for accomplishing all I needed to get done today. It felt so odd that I didn't have a kitchen to cook in.

I settled onto my bed with my pizza and my iPod. I tossed around the option of which playlist to listen to. Did I want to go happy and hear upbeat stuff, or spend my alone time with the sappy love song playlist while mourning for Edward. Okay that was a no brainer, I went sappy love songs.

I closed my eyes as Sara Barellis's smooth voice filled my head, something about her voice and the piano on "Gravity" made me fall in love with her at first listen. I had never thought the song applied to my life when I was with Edward, but I loved her voice so I put in on this playlist. Now, however, it was tearing me apart. I know it is not the kind of song Edward would listen to, but I knew he'd appreciate the lyrics now. Just to imagine him lying in his bed, alone, hurt and confused. I could feel my heart crack open a little more with each image that came to my mind.

I felt like I could almost reach out and touch him, smooth his hair, and tell him it was okay. He always loved it when I held him close to me, and would run my fingers through his hair while I rubbed his shoulder blades. I would do anything to let him know how sorry I was that I hurt him.

I had to force myself to lie back down onto the bed and not grab my phone. I wanted to call and tell him that I take it all back. Tell him how sorry I was for letting someone else make my decisions for me, but in truth all I wanted was what was best for him so I couldn't. And really I couldn't blame anyone for the decisions that brought me here, I could have confronted Esme or talked to Edward, no I did this, so I couldn't change my mind now, I had hurt him too much and it wouldn't be fair for me to find comfort for myself now.

After the song finished I put the pizza in the refrigerator and lay back down. I covered up and allowed the tears to fall. I let all my grief out and hoped that each day would get a little bit easier, and that I wouldn't allow myself to be swallowed up by the fear and hopelessness that I knew living without Edward would be. All the while praying that he would lead the happy full life that I wanted for him, without becoming bitter and negative because of the choices that I had made

Please allow that for him. God, please, I don't ask for much, just give him that.

When Monday finally came it was time to go to work, and work was, well work. I loved being in the library, ever since I could remember I loved the smell of books, and of course the possibilities that all the books held was so exciting. I wanted to be able to read them all and absorb the knowledge that authors were trying to impart on us with their work. Emmett would probably laugh at my well-known geeky side but that didn't make it any less true.

All of these things are what led me here, not just at Dartmouth but let me to my love of the written word. I wanted to write one day, not just write any book though, no I wanted to write a novel that would be loved like I love 'Pride & Prejudice', or 'Wuthering Heights'. I wanted someone to not just own my book, but love it, love it enough to read it multiple times and to have notes in the margin, and highlighted passages. To have the spine so used that it falls open to their favorite chapters. That is and always has been my goal, so for the time being I soaked up the library and knew that no matter what I would work towards that.

So work took up the time I wasn't in class or doing homework. It helped remind me that I needed something to do that I loved and hopefully that would help to keep me sane. My nightly ritual of mourning for Edward was starting to peel away my sanity layer by layer, and work gave me something else to occupy my thoughts.

So with that in mind, I settled into a routine of class, assignments, work and a few study group meetings to help with my classes, because it was summer semester, I didn't have many classes just an English Lit and a freshman math but, I liked the routine of it all, and with each day I was able to spend less time at night with Edward and more time in the present tense.

By the middle of July I felt like I might be able to make it through this with at least my sanity. It has been 6 weeks since I left Edward and while I spent most of my time wandering around like a zombie, only answering when someone asked me a question, I was at least starting to feel somewhat normal. I knew that there would never be anyone else for me, Edward was my heart but the more people started to show up for the new semester, the more I was able to snap out of my walks down memory lane. I was moving forward, and I knew when Angela arrived that would help. Angela and I had finally gotten word that we were in fact going to be roommates and I knew it would help for me to have someone I knew after a few months alone.

I knew that once Angela was here my façade of not regretting my decision about Edward would be cracked. We had spoken a couple of times and I continued to play it off that it was the right decision, I said if it were meant to be then maybe someday…Of course, Angela was very perceptive, just like Alice, she has always been able to see right into my brain and know what was going on in there. I really needed to have all of my unresolved feelings in check and knowing that I was starting to feel somewhat like a human being again gave me hope that I would be able to before Angela arrived.

Before I knew it, the end of July had descended and it was time for Angela to arrive. I had a ton of laundry to do but the last few days I hadn't been feeling the best. I think it may have been a stomach bug so yesterday I stayed in bed, instead of doing laundry. I felt a little better today but got a late start it was two or so, before I headed off to the cafeteria to try to eat a little. I was grateful that the food seemed to have helped and spent the last couple of hours before Angela was due to get here focusing on my neglected laundry.

I was so ready for her arrival when Angela knocked on my door I yanked it open as fast as I could and hugged her like I was Emmett, even managing to lift her off of the ground. She yelped as I was putting her feet back down on the ground.

"About time you got here, why did you make me wait so long," I joked.

After a couple of minutes of us jumping up and down and squealing like Alice, we went down to her car and grabbed some of her stuff. As soon as we found out that we were rooming together we coordinated so she wouldn't have to bring as much stuff out. I was thankful to not have to a ton of stuff to bring in and help unpack, even if we were on the first floor.

I smiled as I imagined what Alice's dorm room would look like, she'll have that thing packed from top to bottom, front to back. Okay, focus on our task, unpacking Angela. She smiled at me, like she knew where my mind went and understood. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and we walked back to her car.

After Angela's car was emptied, we ordered a pizza and relaxed, while she got me caught up about everything that had happened in Forks so far this summer. She eventually got around to the people I knew this conversation was really all about. Neither one of us cared about any of the others in Forks, she cared about her family and Ben Cheney, and I cared about the Cullen's and my dad that was it. So I assumed that this conversation was a way to help bring up the person she wanted to know about. She hedged into it slowly and it nearly killed me, I wish she would just rip into it like a band aid.

"Bella, I think it is time to tell me what really happened between you and Edward?" She paused and shook her head. "After you left I saw him once or twice, and he looked like hell. He was a wreck. He could hardly hold a conversation. I know you two broke up, but you made it sound like it was a mutual decision but he seems to have fallen into a deep depression, I am really worried about him and that makes me realize that I should probably be worrying about you, you tend to internalize everything after all. Have you talked to him?"

"No," I sighed, "I haven't talked to him. He left me a voice message after I got here. He seemed like he was upset, but that was only a few days after we broke up, so I expected him to be hurt. I hate hearing that he is still upset after all of this time." I tried to hide my emotions, but it was so hard to talk about him. When she did not say anything I continued, "I have spoke to Alice a few times and she hasn't mentioned him, I think she wanted too, but didn't. Maybe I should call her and check on him."

I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. I was so anxious and she picked up only after the second ring. I blew out a breath and spoke.

"Alice, hey, Angela just got here and we were unpacking her stuff. She was sharing what happened after I left Forks over the summer. She said she ran into Edward and he looked awful. Why didn't you tell me this?" I asked hesitantly.

"Bella, what was I supposed to say, that he was a mess and it's your fault." Shit, she sounded pissed, but I let her continue because I wanted to know what she thought…didn't I? "I was trying to spare you the details. I thought you'd like it that way. I didn't want to hurt you with his pain." I blinked my eyes to keep the tears at bay. "I knew you wouldn't like to hear it because it would make you feel like hell. Obviously I was right to spare you the details, because as soon as you heard how badly he was doing you called me, so it must bother you."

She sounded distant; I knew that the breakup would eventually affect the friendship that Alice and I had.

"Alice, of course it bothers me. He doesn't deserve this pain, and it kills me that he's going through this. I wish I could change this and make it all better. What can I do?" I was pacing back and forth and wring my hands as I willed my tears away. "I don't want to give him false hope, but I want to help him. Is there anything I can do, will anything help?"

My pain and suffering is enough for us both, he needs to let me go and move on. The longer he holds on the harder it will be for me to sit in the wings and watch him fly without me.

"Bella, I think at this point any contact is going to feel like you're coming back, and he definitely doesn't need that right now. He'll only get hurt worse if you make any effort." Edward's hopeful eyes drifted across my memory. I could see the devastation on his face if he heard from me and then realized that I wasn't coming back to him. It caused a stab of pain to shoot through my heart. "I think for you to leave him alone is the best way, I'm sorry I know that hurts you as well, but let's leave it as it is. He's coming around, I can't say each day is better, but each week is. He's finally starting to plan for his move. He still asks if I talk to you and he wants to hear about you. He loves you, but he's trying to let go. I think if he can get to a new place without your memories he'll be better off."

"Funny that's what I thought," I mumbled into the phone. I wasn't sure that Alice heard me, she sat silent for a few seconds before she spoke again.

"That sounds like regret Bella, is there something you aren't telling me? You know you can't hide anything from me." Alice took on that I-know-it-all-voice that she so often uses on me. I couldn't really complain, because most of the times she did have a way of knowing it all. Maybe I was too easy to read.

"Alice, I just thought that the new atmosphere would help, and in some way it has, but in others it has made it worse." Alice had no real idea of how much worse it had gotten for me. She would freak out if she did. I couldn't tell her anything resembling the real truth. "Edward and I were together for a long time, and it's hard to adjust to life without him at all." I blinked my eyes trying to keep the tears at bay, funny how just the mention of his name will bring them on. "In the past he was around every day, now he's not here at all. It was kind of like losing a boyfriend and best friend all at the same time. I miss his company, that's all." I released a large breath of air. I knew I had better try for some humor or else she would see that I was about to lose it big time. "Gosh, you are terrible. There is nothing here to read into, so stop." She didn't say anything so I needed to go with my next line of defense, ask about her and get her talking. "What about you, are you ready for the big city? How will you cope being away from everyone? I can't believe that we all couldn't spend an afternoon without being together and now we are all off in our own little part of the country, seems kind of weird doesn't it?"

Flashes of all of our fun times passed through my brain. I enjoyed being with the Cullen's as a group, each person had their own place and role in the family. Eventually I had fooled myself into thinking that I belonged as well.

"You have no idea, imagine how my Mom and Dad feel-in one swoop they have an empty house. I know that Mom is going to go stir crazy. She's picked up this massive renovation project to start on in early September. Maybe that will keep her busy until we can come home for winter break. Speaking of which, are you coming home for winter break?"

Winter break, it felt like it was years from now. But would I be ready to see everyone face-to-face by then? I had my doubts.

"I haven't thought about it, I guess I will. I have the money to fly so that will make the trip easier, but I'll let you know closer to that time." I knew I needed more deflection and quickly or I was going to break. "How is Jasper? When does he leave? Have you thought about both of you leaving at the same time so neither of you is left at the house alone? What about Em and Rose, when are they heading back?" If I pump her full of questions maybe she won't realize that I didn't say much about me.

"Jasper and I are flying out at the same time, well about an hour apart. I don't think either of us could stand being in the house alone. I feel for Edward when I think of the pain of that." A small whimper escaped my throat before I could stop it. Alice rushed to cover herself and her slip, "Sorry, I didn't mean anything by that, just strike it off of the record." I threw my hand over my mouth to stop any future noises, I did want to hear about Edward and if I made those kinds of noises again, Alice wouldn't talk about him at all. I focused back on Alice's monologue, "Em and Rose leave about two days after Jasper and I, then Edward leaves last. He'll leave the day after Em and Rose." I tuned out when I heard his name again, images of him flying out alone, and in the midst of his heartbreak-well it just made me want to cry some more. Alice again saved me from that fate as I focused on her explanations of the schedule for the Cullen family. "So like I said it will be a rough couple of days for Mom. Dad will keep her busy; he has planned a trip to Hawaii as a surprise for her. They leave after Edward does, so she won't have much time to feel bad. Oh, Jasper is calling for me. I guess I gotta go, tell Ang hi for me. Be good Bella, and love you!"

"Bye, Al. Give my love to everyone!" I bit my lip and realized that my normal farewell for her would not work anymore. "Well okay, strike that, just tell them all hi and I'm fine. Love back to you!"

Alice hung up so I was alone with Angela. She was right, and she was dying to hear what Alice said. I should of just turned Alice on speaker for Angela to hear all of it and save my breath.

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds; I didn't know where to start.

"You were right. Alice says he's terrible, but improving. She says he gets better by the week, and he is finally planning for his trip." Angela's face turned down into a pitiful frown, of all my friends outside Edward's family she was the closest to the two of us. So I could see how she was sad for his hurt. "She says she doesn't think that I should contact him in any way what so ever, she thinks that will be bad. So I guess I'm no longer able to talk to him at all. Maybe it's what I deserve, who knows." I picked at the ragged edges on my pajama pants, unable to meet Angela's eyes with the fresh tears pooling up in mine. "I'm beat, you ready to head to bed?"

I know that she knows I'm using bed as an excuse to keep from talking anymore, but I was hopeful that she is tired enough from the drive and she'll give in for now.

"Yeah, let me get my things and we can turn the lights out." She moved around the room and gathered her stuff to take to the bathroom with her so that she could get ready for bed.

When she reemerged she climbed into bed as she reached for the light she said, "By the way, Bella, thanks for rooming with me. I love it already; I really think you and I would've been better friends without Jessica and Lauren getting in our way. I'm glad we get the chance now." Her smile was so genuine that I couldn't help but feel the same happiness as she did, because I truly felt the same about Jessica and Lauren. It was like they always tried to ruin everything that you had, they weren't happy until you were unhappy about something. I think they'll be ecstatic now, knowing Edward and I aren't together. I wonder how long it took them to find out that little bit of info, and how long it took them to contact him? I didn't want to bet any money on it, because I knew it wasn't long at all. He's all they both have ever wanted. At least I know that he despises both of them and would never ever go out with either of them. At least I can rest with that fact.

It wasn't long after the lights were out that I felt my 'Edward feelings' coming to the surface, that empty feeling in my chest that made it hard to breathe felt like it was ready to consume me. I laid there for a couple of minutes and listened to Angela's breathing to see if she was asleep. When it sounded like she was out, I allowed the memories to come. I tried to remember everything he said to me when he told me he loved me for the first time, how his eyes lit up when he was able to beat Emmett at anything, and how his face changed when he and Jasper were in an in-depth conversation. There were a million things I could think about, each of them painful.

The pain is still there but at least the crying is at a minimum now.

I was proud of myself. I drifted off to sleep sometime after two.

The next morning seemed too bright, when I was able to focus. It also seemed like the room was spinning, but I didn't understand why it was. I didn't drink last night, so why did I feel like I had a hangover? I sat up to get a sip of water, and that was a mistake. I ran for the trash can and emptied my stomach right then. I took the trashcan into the bathroom with me so I could grab a washcloth, I ran it under the cold water, and laid it across the back of my neck. I was so paying for going to school half way across the country, I was not used to the water, the food or something. I was so sick of feeling sick. Perhaps it was time for a visit to the clinic. Maybe they can tell me what to do to get over whatever this is.

"Bella, you okay?" Angela sounded half asleep.

"Yeah, I'm fine now. I don't think the water agrees with me here. I've been sick off and on for about a month. Nothing constant, so I don't know what it is that's bothering me." Angela sat up and rubbed at her eyes. I slowly made my way back to my bed. "I think later I'll stop by the clinic and see if they can tell me anything. I'm going to lie back down for now. What're your plans for today?"

"I'm going to go see Ben. He is way across campus, but at least he is here in the same city, so I won't complain at all." Unintentional pain shot through my heart. I knew that Angela never meant to remind me that she was close to Ben while I had left Edward back in Forks, but let's face it she did remind me. It made the spinning worse, so I laid down and shut my eyes. I focused on what she was saying to tried to keep what was left in my stomach there in my stomach. "He has two roommates. Can you imagine three boys living in the same room? That is going to be one gross room in about a month." She yawned and rubbed her eyes some more. "I'm with you for a little more sleep for now, wake me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay." I yawned back to her.

After I was finished with my class, I walked over to the clinic. I knew it would not be busy, because there were still not a lot of students on campus and it was lunch time so everyone that was here would probably be headed to the cafeteria to eat. I hoped that I'd be able to get out quickly and get to work on time.

I went in and talked to the nurse, told her what I had going on. She took me into a room, had me pee in a cup, and then fill out some forms.

I swear they have you pee in that cup for every single symptom that you have. Doesn't matter if you simply have a runny nose, you pee in a cup. I guess it's another way to make some money.

Soon enough she was back in my exam room. She came in and sat down. Her face looked calm so I hoped that was a good thing.

"Bella, when was your last period?"

So not the question I expected.

"Well it's usually at the first of the month, but it has been all over the map for the last few months. Some months it is at the first and real heavy, then the next month it is in the middle and real light. It's mostly real light, like only a few spots of blood and only for about two days. So it's hard to tell for sure." I knew I was rambling but I was so damn confused as to why she was asking me about this issue when this was not what I was here for. Perhaps she had a list of specific questions that she had to ask, you know then she can give me a good STD and birth control talk. I didn't want to upset her agenda so I finished my rambling for her. "I had one last month, lasted about two days, real light, none yet for this month. My Mom had some female problems when she was younger, and had to have some surgery. I'm not sure exactly what or why, I was young. Maybe I have the same sort of problems. Do you think that's causing the issues I'm having?" I started chewing on a hangnail on my thumb that I had picked while my verbal vomiting took place.

"Well, Bella, I don't think so. I think you'll probably not have your period for a few months and then things will go back to normal for you." She patted my leg and I got the feeling she was telling me something that I should have figured out by now but for the life of me I had no idea where she was going with this. "As part of our routine tests we do here is a urine pregnancy test, and yours came back positive. It's hard to tell exactly how far along you are if you're not sure of your last normal period, so I would suggest you go to see an OB/GYN as soon as possible." She began to scribble something down on my chart. I could hear the pen scratching along as she wrote. I know that I should be focusing on something a bit closer to reality but damn if I couldn't concentrate on anything but that slight scratch of the pen the whole entire time she wrote. When she stopped I lifted my head up and met her eyes. They were soft and sympathetic; she obviously could tell that this was the last thing I expected when I walked into this clinic today. "I can give you some prenatal vitamins and it would be best to try to eat some crackers in the morning before you sit up. That'll help with the sickness. I can tell by your face that you didn't plan this." I shook my head furiously at her. This scenario was the furthest from where I thought my life was going. She laid her pen down and slid her stool closer to me. "Is there anything I can help with or any questions you have?"

"No, I went through health in high school, so I have a basic knowledge of what is going on." That was possibly the stupidest statement I could have come up with but my brain had not caught up with reality yet. "Are you sure? Is there any chance that thing is wrong? Can we do another test, another kind of test?" Again I chewed on the hangnail on my already sore thumb.

She laid her hand on my leg and slid her stool even closer to me, she smiled like my Mom did when she was going to give me news that she knew I wouldn't like.

"Bella we can do several more, but the real test should be done by an OB/GYN. They have more sophisticated equipment and blood tests that can tell you with more certainty if you are in fact pregnant, they can also tell the doctor things like hormone levels which can help determine how far along you are. They will also do an examination on you that will make sure that everything is ok. So, again, I encourage you to make an appointment with them. I have written down their number for you." She held out a card for me, I noticed that my hand shook slightly when I reached to take it from her. "They are in town, so I'm sure they have seen many girls like you who are away from home and need some advice." I could only nod at her. Was I one of those girls? The kind of girl that gets away from home and needs help from strangers? I guess I was. "They have a group that meets to offer encouragement, which may help as well. I think you'll like the Doctors in the group." She stood up with her chart and her scratchy pen and walked towards the door. I remained in place. "You're finished here, so here are your vitamins. Good luck Bella." I stood and took the bottle out of her hand and left the room.

She patted me on the back and let me back out into the waiting room. How was I supposed to handle the bomb she had just dropped in my lap all by myself? She acted like she thought that I knew what I was doing, but she was wrong, I didn't know shit.

I called work and told them I was sick and had been to the clinic. They said it was okay to stay out today, they weren't busy.

Since I now had a free afternoon, I headed across campus to eat. I figured I should do that for a healthy pregnancy. It's so funny how quickly I started thinking and doing what I should. It then struck me that I was always taking care of someone, so this would be no different. I was used to this life, I could handle this.

I tried to make the words sound right but I wasn't fooling myself for one second, I was in shock. I didn't know the first thing about being pregnant. I am only child and never knew anyone who was pregnant.

The first person I thought of was Rose, because she always talked about how many kids she wanted to have with Emmett. I figured that she would know at least a few things about being pregnant, and she could ask Carlisle all the other stuff. But that meant that Edward would find out, and really I have hurt him far more than he ever deserved anyway, how could I tell him this. I knew what he would want to do, he would want to do the responsible thing and get married and I know that he wouldn't stand for me being here and knowing that I was pregnant with his child. He'd want me close to him or close to Forks one way or the other, bottom line was that if Edward found out I would be everything that Esme said I was. I wanted to cry, how could this have happened, we were always safe and responsible, all of my dreams, I knew for sure I was not going to be able to stay here at Dartmouth and go to college how could I take care of a baby and be in school.

Holy crap, I am pregnant, I can't believe I am pregnant, I can't believe that I'm PREGNANT, WITH HIS CHILD!

I needed to sit and think about this. I need to eat, sit and think. Yeah, that is what I need to do.

I made my way to the cafeteria, and I grabbed a salad, fruit cup and a juice to drink. I couldn't remember anything about nutrition that health class offered. I really should have paid more attention to high school.

All I could think about was what was I going to do now…Now that I had this tiny piece of Edward with me.