Chapter 29- In My Daughter's Eyes

Chapter 29- In My Daughter's Eyes

Edward

Holding Bella's hand and watching her pain as she pushed with all of her might was indescribable. She was a fighter; fighting against nature, against the naysayers, against the forces that were trying to keep happiness just out of our reach. I have never seen determination like I saw in her eyes. She was willing to work as hard as she needed to in order to get our sweet baby girl here as quickly as she could. Bella was making sure that Makenna got here quick enough so that she didn't have to be subjected to any more dips in her heart rate. So that the danger was over and our girl was in our arms, right where she belonged. It was also Bella's way of fighting for us, showing me that the most important people in her life were in this room and she was now strong enough to fight for us as a family. Our happiness meant more than anything else. I finally felt the last piece of the wall that stood between Bella and I fall and shatter at our feet.

Tears stood at the edge of Bella's eyes. I didn't know the exact cause of them, whether they were emotions or pain, but I gripped her hand tighter and followed the doctor's instructions. I counted with her, I breathed with her and prayed that what we were doing was enough. After just a few pushes, I lost exact count, I could see Makenna's head crowning. Bella seemed so tired and almost ready to give up. Before I knew what I was doing I took her hand and lead it down to where Makenna's head was just barely poking out. "That's our girl, right there. She is almost here with us. Push, Bella, get her here." Dr. Jones' mouth stood open in shock but it was the encouragement that Bella needed. She pulled her legs back just a little further, sat up and dropped her chin to her chest. When that next contraction hit Bella pushed with inhuman strength. My eyes shifted back and forth between Bella's exhausted face and Makenna's head making its entrance. Inch by inch, Makenna eased out. I whispered to Bella, "I can see her ears and forehead." Bella pushed harder.

Before I could give the update Dr. Jones called out to Bella. "Hold on the head's out, rest for a few seconds, we need to clean her up." I could see Dr. Jones moving around and the nurses begin to move in closer in preparation. I stood staring down at Bella, she was enthralled at what the doctor was doing but I was enthralled at her. She was sweaty; her hair was wild and splayed all around her. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes shone with unshed tears. She was simply breathtaking. I have never been more in love with her than I was at this exact moment. Bella must have felt my gaze roaming over her because she looked back towards me and mouthed 'I love you'. I leaned down to kiss her, my silent return of her sentiment. Dr. Jones called out to Bella. "Okay, dear on the next contraction, let's push her out." Esme and I each gripped Bella's hand and Bella sat forward in preparation to push.

Sure enough with the next push at 11:52 pm Makenna Grace was born. Dr. Jones looked up at me and asked the age old question. "Daddy, would you like to cut the cord?" I nodded my acceptance as I looked at Bella. She was staring at our baby girl. So I stepped down and took the scissors and cut in the area where Dr. Jones indicated.

Once the cord was cut the nurses rushed Makenna over to the bassinet and cleaned her up. I felt drawn to her as if by cutting the cord that detached her from Bella actually created a cord between her and I. I stepped over and took in every single inch of her tiny little body. She was so beautiful. She had a combination of mine and Bella's hair coloring. It was most the dark coffee colored that Bella had given her with the crazy mix of bronze that she inherited from me. Her eye color was all mine but the shape was definitely Bella's, as were her eyebrows. Makenna also had Bella's skin tone and nose, but her jaw and lips were exact copies of mine. The nurse called out her weight, six pounds nine ounces. It looks like she will be closer to Bella's frame than mine. I had to give thanks for that, I didn't want my little girl to be a giant freak of nature taller than all the boys so that they were afraid to ask her out. Wait, on second thought that might not be such a bad thing.

Esme drifted over and held Makenna's little hand. Her cries could be heard from all over the room. She was definitely not happy with the treatment the nurses were giving her. Once she was all cleaned up and her footprints were done, the nurse showed me how to put a diaper on her. I left the clothes to the experts though, I wasn't sure I was ready to put clothes on her when she seemed to have little control over her tiny body. The more I talked to her the calmer she became and she almost settled completely when the nurse laid her in my shaking arms. I gazed down at her in wonder; she was as breathtaking as her mother was. I knew without a doubt that she would hold my heart in the palm of her hand; I was completely taken with her.

I glanced over at Bella. She was lying perfectly still in bed, just watching Makenna and I. I moved towards her, I wanted to present Bella with our daughter. "Look at her, Bella, she's so beautiful. She looks like both of us." Tears formed at the corner of my eyes. I was overcome with gratitude that all the tiny decisions that ended up taking us down the path that led us to this moment had happened. As hard as they were to live through at the time I was thankful for them at this moment. And I certainly wouldn't trade a single moment of it away.

I snapped out of my mental gratitude when Bella reached out her arms for Makenna. The second Bella's arms wrapped around Makenna all noise ceased. Bella spoke softly to her and Makenna just stared at her mommy. It was beyond words.

Soon all the activity of the birth ceased and nurses were now all gone from the room. It left a nice quiet void. Esme had also stepped out to retrieve Charlie and Carlisle. I watched Bella talk to our daughter.

I drifted back over to the bedside and joined Bella while she talked about Makenna's features. We talked about each feature that she had contributed to her. Bella was thankful that she had my green eyes. I however, was sad about this fact. I wanted her to have Bella's warm rich brown eyes. Bella was also thankful for the combination of our hair coloring, she did comment that it looked like Makenna's would be somewhat unruly like mine. It was curlier than Bella's so that must have come from me as well. Bella echoed my sentiments that we were just glad she was here and perfectly healthy.

All at once Charlie, Carlisle and Esme rushed back into the room. They brought flowers, balloons and stuffed animals. I handed Makenna over to Esme who supervised the grandfathers and I made my way to Bella's bed. I scooted as close to her as I could and wrapped my arms around her. She began to doze off as I spoke softly to her. I told her how magnificent she was, how proud I was of her and how beautiful our baby girl was. I kissed her temple and really just wanted to get closer. I wanted to climb inside and just be with her if that were possible. Since I knew it wasn't possible I settled with just laying next to her, holding her while she slept.

I watched as Esme, Charlie and Carlisle fawned over Makenna. Esme helped change a diaper and then the three reluctantly left us in order to go and get some dinner. Each face was lit with joy when they left and I was sure that Bella would be thrilled to see that joy written on Charlie's face again. In fact it was written on all of our faces again. It was nice to share this moment with the ones that stood with us during the hard times.

I couldn't put Makenna down. I knew that so many people said to let them get used to sleeping by themselves and that you should put them down before they fall asleep. But friggen' sue me, my daughter was here in my arms and I was not putting her down for any reason! I held her and talked to her. I sang to her. I changed her. It was only a slightly wet diaper but still I did it by myself and that part made my proud. The satisfaction of taking care of my daughter caught me by surprise. I knew that I would love her but to feel this sense of satisfaction at the simple act of changing her diaper was a huge surprise.

I settled down on the window seat. I alternated between watching her sleep and taking in the lights of the city. I thought back to all that lay ahead of us and marveled that my life had turned around in such a short amount of time. In a few months I had everything I had ever wanted. I closed my eyes as a few tears slipped from my eyes and came to rest on Makenna's face. As a quiet chuckle escaped my lips I reached up to wipe the evidence away from her face. Glancing over at Bella again, I said a small prayer of thanks to God for allowing all of this to work out. I was blessed beyond measure that was for sure. I wondered silently if this was what heaven would be like, because really this was all I needed in heaven to be perfectly happy with it.

Makenna stirred in my arms and I began to gently rock and sing to her. I sang words that came straight from my brain, no though, no particular song really. Just my feelings to her.

Baby, you're all that I want, when you're lying here in my arms

I'm finding it hard to believe, we're in heaven

She settled down but continued to make small noises whenever I stopped singing. So I sang to her every single song I knew, well the ones that were soft enough to calm her down.

I stuttered for a few seconds when the nurse came in. I have never sung in front of someone else before, just my family and Bella.

"Oh, don't stop. She loves it." The nurse nodded her head indicating the perfect baby girl lying in my arms.

"Yeah, she does. I think I have sung every single song I know." I laughed. "But if I stop she starts to fuss and Bella is so tired. I was trying to let her sleep for a few more hours or so." I shrugged, not knowing if what I was saying was even possible.

Just then Makenna began to fuss a little and mouth around on her fist. I wasn't positive but she looked hungry. "See how she's doing that?" The nurse's hand came up and pulled the blanket back so that Makenna's entire face was on display. "That means she's hungry. She will do that or else she will turn towards any skin contact that she feels; they call it rooting. She might need to eat soon no matter what you do." I blanched at this thought. I could change a little wet diaper but feeding, well that was too scary to even think about me doing. I had no idea how to do that, at all. "Do you know how your wife plans to feed her? Breast or bottle?"

I just shook my head no. "Bella was still up in the air about this, I heard her tell Esme that she wanted to try but just wasn't sure. She knew very little about breastfeeding."

"It's okay. We have a Lactation Consultant on staff, she can come around and help you guys figure things out. You call me when Bella wakes up if she wants to and I will get Charlotte up here to help you out. Okay?" I nodded.

After a few minutes of her checking Makenna over, she left. She said she would be back a little later to check Bella out. For now she would let her sleep. So, I went back to holding and singing to my girl again.

Baby, you're all that I want, when you're lying here in my arms

I'm finding it hard to believe, we're in heaven

I heard a sob rip through the room and looked over to see Bella crying. I rushed to her side and found her to be in the throws of a hormonal cry as she called it. Bella smiled and wiped away the tears as she gazed down at Makenna. The blush of embarrassment quickly took over my face as I tried to find a way to ask my wife if she was interested in breastfeeding. Not gonna lie, I wanted to see her hold Makenna up to her bare breast and feed her. Not just for the obvious reason but it just felt like Bella would be providing so much more to her by being everything she needed. By being Makenna's complete source of life.

I rushed through explaining and was overjoyed to hear Bella say that she was still interested in it. In fact she seemed to be enthusiastic about it. Responding with, "Go and get the nurse so we can get our feed on." I dashed out of the room and down to pull our nurse aside. Within no time Charlotte was in our room and showing Bella and I all the tips to make breastfeeding go easily. Makenna was obviously a very hungry girl because with just a few tries she latched on and began to nosily eat. Charlotte left us with her number to call in case we had any questions and left us alone to enjoy our bonding time.

I couldn't help myself I slid into the bed as best I could and wrapped my arms around both Bella and Makenna. I was content to enjoy this silence but I could tell that Bella was thinking about something. The way her forehead dipped down and her teeth worked her lip around between them. I waited for her to bring it up, for her to get her thoughts in order before I she spoke about it.

When she finally did speak it was about the exact subject that I thought she would need to talk about; her mom and Phil. She talked about how proud they would be of Makenna, I mentally added that they would be so proud of her as well. I knew without a doubt that her mom would be happy for Bella. Renee's free spirit ensured that she never put boundaries or restrictions on Bella growing up. She allowed Bella to make her own choices and it has worked out for the best for Bella. Renee was never one held down by convention and what society thought you should do, she was more of an 'if it feels good do it' kind of philosopher. She wouldn't be bothered by our age or what order we did things. If at the end of the day things were okay then she was okay as well. I agreed with her and pulled her close again.

After she burped, change and repositioned Makenna, I began to sing again. The next time I looked down both of my girls were sound asleep. I drifted off after the long day myself, perfectly content to lay in this small hospital bed with them.

By about five o'clock the next afternoon, Bella was going stir crazy. She wanted to be at home, with all of her stuff and away from the constant noise and activity of the hospital. And she made sure to tell Carlisle this when he and Esme stopped by to see her.

And Carlisle being the great doctor that he, not to mention father, pulled some strings and got Dr. Jones to allow Bella and Makenna to go home. We packed up all of the balloons and flower arrangements and made a hasty retreat to the house. Carlisle and Esme followed. They stopped to pick up some dinner, so that Bella and I would have a few minutes of quiet to get settled in.

Bella buckled Makenna in and snapped her seatbelt in place as well. I checked my mirrors again, and cautiously drove off from the hospital. Makenna was ours, only ours now. No one else checking up on us, making sure we were doing things the right way. Making sure that no harm would come to our daughter through our stupidity. I began to feel a panic creep up. What if we did fuck her up? What if we made a rookie mistake that we didn't know about? The fear and panic was clawing its way up my throat and causing some rapid breathing to begin. I took a deep breath and glanced back at Bella in the rear view mirror. She was looking down into the car seat. One of Makenna's tiny hands was wrapped around Bella's finger. The gaze on Bella's face held indescribable love and joy. I watched for a few seconds as Bella talked with our daughter. And I realized that we would make some mistakes, but nothing that would be big; nothing worthy of the panic attack that I was heading for. We loved that precious child more than words and that alone would keep us from harming her. By the time the light had turned green, my breathing had returned to normal and I drove off without comment about the slight glitch in my feelings.

Life with Bella and Makenna was absolutely fucking perfect. Makenna was a great baby, she ate, slept and in between she played with us. Bella teased me that I was too attached to her and wouldn't be able to return to class and the crazy schedule that it required when it was time. I made light of her jokes but deep inside I felt like she might be right.

Bella and I spent time looking at houses near Dartmouth. We spoke to a realtor on the phone and she agreed to go and take more pictures of several houses for us. We narrowed it down to three houses, after looking at the pictures Irina sent us it was plain to see that Bella and I both only had one favorite now. We called Irina back and told her about our interest in the house. She asked us to fly out for the weekend and look at it in person. I talked it over with Bella, she agreed but refused to leave Makenna. So I booked three seats on a flight out of Seattle. We would stay for five days, for no other reason than we could. I wanted to see where Bella spent her time without me and get a feel for the school myself. Besides I could meet with the advisor that I had made contact with. I knew that this was where I was supposed to be. Everything had worked in my favor and too many doors opened up for it to be by chance. Peter, my peer advisor, gave me plenty of helpful tips in each and every email he sent to me. I couldn't wait to get started. Music had been such a large part of my life for so long and now to finally commit to making it my life felt so liberating.

Bella was so afraid that Carlisle and Esme would be so angry with my decision, but they took it in stride and admitted that they knew some changes would need to be made now that my situation had changed.

I pulled Bella into the study where I knew that Carlisle and Esme had retreated to. Alice and Rose were downstairs doting on Makenna so this was our chance to talk to them about everything. I knocked softly, not wanting to disturb them if they wanted to be alone. That idea was cast aside as soon as Carlisle called for us to come in. Bella still hesitated as I shifted forward through the door. Esme was snuggled up against Carlisle's side on the couch, each of them reading a book. They both cast them aside when Bella and I entered the room.

"Edward, Bella, what's going on?"

"Bella and I would like to talk with you two. We have made some plans that we want to let you in on."

Esme sat up a little as she waved for us to take the love seat across from the two of them.

"We kind of expected this, I actually expected it sooner. Let's hear what you have in mind." Esme seemed to radiate sadness but a sliver of happiness was mixed in, letting me know that she understood the need for us to move away again and continue on with our lives.

I sat down and dropped my forearms down onto my knees. It would be a lot harder to tell them this news now that I was looking at them face to face. Bella's hand slid down my arms and rested against the bare skin that my rolled up shirts sleeve left. It comforted me beyond measure. I took in a deep breath and began to explain our plans.

"A few months ago I sent in an application to Dartmouth. I applied to their music program." I heard a sharp intake of breath. I dropped my head to steel myself to continue on. "I got a letter about a week after Makenna was born, I was accepted. They will transfer over several of my courses and I can take two summer courses and be finished at the same time Bella is." I turned to glance at her sweet face, anything to reassure me that we were making the right moves. This was a pretty scary move to not only take ourselves but our daughter across the country from both of our families.

"Edward, that is fantastic." Carlisle moved to the front of his seat and his face showed the approval he felt.

"I just figured that it would be easier for me to go back with Bella. She can't do this alone and I can't be away from her or our daughter." I held up my hands mimicking my thoughts. "It was the only option. It won't be easy but we can do it together." I glanced at Bella again before I finished. "I know we can."

"Oh, you two." Esme said as she stood up and began her move towards us both. When she wrapped her arms around me she was crying softly into my shoulder. She pulled away wiping her tears off and tried to smile. "I knew this was coming and even as much as I prepared for it, it is so hard." She smiled a little larger this time. "Please don't mistake my tears, I am so proud of you two. You will do so well at school and be home in no time, right?" She chuckled as she pulled Bella into a hug; both had tears in their eyes now.

Carlisle clapped me on the back and we stood back and watched our women comfort each other.

"So, have you looked at housing?" Carlisle asked after a few minutes of watching them.

"Well, actually we are going to fly out there and look at this house we are interested in." At this comment Esme pulled away from Bella and I could already see the glint in her eyes. There is nothing she loved more than a new project to work on.

Bella and I boarded the plane, with Makenna strapped to the front of me in her Baby Bjorn sling. It kept both of our hands free and kept her close and safe. She slept the whole time and only woke up in the cab on the way to the hotel. Bella fed her, changed her and put her back in her sling attached to my chest. We took another cab to meet Irina and look at what we hoped would be our new home.

Two steps in the door and I knew it was the one. Bella's eyes told me that she knew it was the one as well. We followed Irina throughout the house but there really was no need. All the pictures that she sent us told us what we needed to know. She drove us back to her office and we wrote up an offer on the house. Bella and I had planned for this and after we were married we went to the bank and moved around some of our finances to be ready to buy a house. We knew it would work best for us with Makenna. It would make us feel settled and at home even if this wasn't where we would spend the rest of our lives. We wanted Makenna to have a home, not an apartment to live in. Besides we were thinking of hiring someone to help us take care of Makenna and the house while we were at school so the extra room would be nice for that as well.

After all of the paperwork was done, I called Peter and let him know I was in town. He wanted to show me around a few places and asked if we could meet with him. Bella made a quick call to Angela and she agreed to watch Makenna for us so we dropped Makenna off at Angela and Ben's apartment and made our way to meet Peter. He showed me around the campus and a few of the hangouts the music kids frequented. I met a few of the other students and we stayed to hear them play. They were good, I was a little intimidated by them, I won't lie. A few asked me to play and that just amped up the nervousness. I played the song I wrote the night Makenna was born; it must have been fine because they all complimented me on it. I decided that it was time to get Makenna and head back to the hotel so Bella and I said our good bye. I exchanged numbers with a few of them since we would be back within two months and we agreed to hang out when Bella and I got back. It was liberating to know that we were accepted, I, again felt like this was definitely meant to be.

The next two months were a whirlwind of packing and getting ready to go back to Dartmouth. We shipped the stuff we were taking with us from the house for us and Makenna. We packed a small suitcase and boarded a plane. Esme came with us to help out for two weeks. She thought that she could help unpack and get the house decorated and in order, as well as watch Makenna until we found someone who could do that for us. She was right we needed all the help we could get.

Soon enough our house was unpacked and set up, we had hired someone to take care of Makenna and Bella and I both started classes.

None of it was easy; there was definitely a learning curve for dealing with Bella and Makenna. But life was as close to perfect as I could hope for. I had my love, my daughter and my music.