Edward
I sat nervously and waited for Alice, Esme and Bella to get home. I finalized things with Mrs. Cope yesterday and we were all set to move in. The purchase would still take about a month to finalize but for now we were the proud new renters of Bella's dream house. I had never felt so proud, knowing that I was providing for Bella and our daughter. I hoped Bella knew that I wanted to give her every single desire she would have for the rest of her life. That was my only goal.
As I sat there thinking of Bella and our future the words came to mind to match the melody I had been humming for the last few days. I was grateful that the new house would also be large enough to house a piano as I sat down and began to play out the song and write it down when I found the parts that I liked.
All I want now is to be with you, 'cause you know I have been everywhere else
Looking back at what you got me through, you know me better than I knew myself
When I feel lost and I can't find my way, when words are at a loss
I can hear you say
I… will be by your side, when all hope has died
I will still be around and I am still on your side
When everything's wrong, I will still be around, by your side
Fighting my way back to where you are, the only place I ever felt at home
Stumbling backwards… through the dark, I know how it feels… to be alone
And where we go is where I wanna be, and in the silence I hear you say to me
I… will be by your side, when all hope has died
I will still be around and oh I am still on your side
When everything's wrong, I will still be around
I can't wait another day to show my space between
Your heart and mine, and you're all that I need
You say I…will be by your side, when all hope as died
I will still be around, oh and I, I'm still on your side
When everything's wrong, I will still be around
By your side, by your side, by your side, by your side, by your side
I was just finishing up the song and thinking about all that Bella and I had been through when my phone rang.
"Hey baby, you must be reading my mind. What are you doing?" I wanted her home so badly.
I closed my eyes and remembered her excitement when I showed her the house.
I had a house full of furniture delivered today and we spent the latter part of the day getting things ready for us. Bella still had lots to buy and decorate but for the most part it was ready for us to move in.
Makenna's room was finished and waiting, Emmett and Jasper spent last night painting it according to Alice's directions. The furniture was put together and all the stuffed animals were placed. Everything was there except for our beautiful daughter. I couldn't wait to meet her. She couldn't get here soon enough.
Bella had told me earlier in the day about the stuff that she bought for Makenna. She would be able to put her touch on the room as well so it would be as she wanted it.
I couldn't wait to show Bella all the new stuff in our house.
I met Charlie there when I left Bella after her doctor's appointment. I showed him the house that we would be living in. I wanted to prove to him that I could and would take care of her and our child. He seemed happy about the house and the fact that she would be in Forks for a few months after Makenna was born. In true Charlie fashion, after a quick tour of the house he was back off to work to keep Forks safe. It was fine with me, he cared enough to come by and see it and that was all I cared about anyway.
I paced the floor until I thought the carpets were going to wear out. I had finally heard Esme's car drive up the driveway and quickly grabbed my coat. Emmett was going to drive everyone over after giving me some time to show Bella what we had done by myself.
As she stepped out of the car I grabbed her and kissed her sweet face. The day apart was too much for me, it amazed me how quickly I had grown dependant on her again.
"Well now don't you look beautiful!" When she leaned in to give me another kiss I obliged her with the full weight of my emotions. As my tongue slid into her mouth she moaned and I realized that we were in the driveway in front of my family. I pulled back and kissed her as gently as I could without inflaming either of our passions again. I'm certain Emmett could have lit something fire right there in the front yard at that moment and Bella and I wouldn't have noticed. We were too focused on one another,
"Come on, I have something to show you, please." I pulled her hand and she followed me to the Volvo. The activity around us continued but we were still oblivious to it all.
I opened the door and sat her down. She looked exhausted after all the activity today. "Do you trust me?"
"With my life." Her sweet voice responded to me. I pulled the blindfold out and slid it over her eyes.
I jogged around and hopped into my seat, turned the key and took off for our final destination…our house.
Bella was silent the entire ride over and remained that way when I stopped the car and carefully helped up from her seat.
I had left the lights on in the living room so as I took the blindfold off of Bella she was able to see all of the work that we had done today. Of course Bella's reaction didn't disappoint at all. She stood for several moments just staring at the living room, looking back and forth between all of the furniture and new paint and then back to me. I began to worry that the shock was too much for her when she turned and placed her hands on my forearms as a few small tears escaped her eyes. I wiped them away with my thumbs as I placed my hands gently along her jaw.
"Edward, are you, is this, are you saying that we can move in, that the house is ready?" she asked as her eyes danced with surprise.
"Yes Bella, that is exactly what I am saying." I replied as she tugged me towards the next room.
She danced from room to room all giddy like and happy about the furniture that had been picked out. I made her wait to see Makenna's room as well as ours. Rose, Jasper and Emmett had helped so much on those two, that I wanted them to be there when she saw them.
We had just walked back through the entire bottom floor again when everyone else pulled up in the driveway. It was a good thing too since I didn't think that I could have held Bella back from darting up the stairs for a second more.
I motioned for all of them to go on upstairs first.
We stopped at the top of the stairs just outside of our bedroom door, Bella's face showed confusion as I slipped my hands over her eyes and nodded to Rosalie to open the door so I could show her all of our hard work. I stepped forward about eight steps, and dropped my hands. Her mouth flew open and she stumbled backwards into me in shock.
Somehow Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper had managed to redecorate our bedroom into a beautiful romantic dream come true. The walls were painted a medium green with a faux finish that made them look like they were covered in raw silk. None of my old furniture was present; it was replaced with an ornate carved wood bedroom set. The bedroom set was painted black and complimented the green walls perfectly; it was exactly what I would have picked out for us. It was perfect.
Our bed was placed to the right of the door, and directly across from our bed was a large entertainment center. It was large enough for all of my music and would still leave room for Bella's books. It would blend all of our stuff while providing enough room for us to add more. I walked over to the king size bed and sat down. Bella looked at the faces of the people standing in the room with me and they were all staring at her, I guess they were waiting on a word, or sign from her that would give them an idea of what Bella's reaction would be. She gasped and her hand flew up to her mouth to try to hold it in, I knew she was going to spill some more tears. This room was perfect and she was obviously overcome with emotions, just knowing that our family would give us this kind of a gift caused me to break down a little bit too. I pulled her over to the bed and knelt beside her.
"Bella, what do you think, if it is not what you like we can change as much as you like. I just wanted to have something that would allow us to merge all our things and not feel cramped." I'm certain that my face showed my anxiety; I hope I hadn't misread her reaction, but in a small part of my brain I was sure that she didn't like it. When her eyes met mine I could see that she loved it, and I loved my family for doing this for us. She threw her hands around my neck and just started sobbing.
"Bella, don't feel bad, if you don't like it we can change it, all of it if we need to. We'll find something that you like, no big deal." I began rubbing circles on her back as I consoled her, thinking that she might need some soothing.
"Edward, don't you dare change a thing in this room, it is perfect. I couldn't have done better if I had handpicked all of this for myself. I love it more than I can describe. Thank you for this, it is so special; I have never had anything like this before." She was sobbing again by the time she was finished.
"Bella, Rosalie did this for you. I helped on a few things, but most of it was done by her, Jasper and Emmett. Jasper and Emmett painted and moved furniture, Rosalie shopped and arranged." She gasped as turned towards the three of them. The boys were standing in the doorway looking sheepish, and Rosalie stood just inside the door with a look of satisfaction on her face.
"I, I don't know what to say!" She rushed forward to hug them. I hope that they understood the depth of emotions that we felt for them and this gift.
"I know that you and Edward will enjoy a quiet, romantic bedroom. Your life is about to become really hectic but this will help. This will give you a restful, sexy place to enjoy being Bella and Edward, and not Mom and Dad." Rosalie smirked at us.
"Thank you isn't enough, but thank you anyway." She smiled back at me and I read the joy in her eyes. She enjoyed the giving as much as we enjoyed the gift.
Alice was jumping up and down and clapping her hands. "Come on we need to see the next surprise, also, hurry!" She squealed.
Alice took Bella's hand and led us down the hall to Makenna's room, and threw open the door. She pulled us inside. It was so beautiful, and everything I wanted for our baby girl. I walked over to the white crib that was covered by brown, white and several shades of pink striped comforter set, and ran my hands along the rails, thinking of the day when I would lay my beautiful baby girl in there to sleep. Bella went over to the plush rocking chair to sit down and I imagined her holding Makenna and rocking her to sleep. The more time I spent in this room, the more anxious I become for her to just get here. I especially loved the gigantic built in castle; it took up one whole wall. It had a twin size bed built in the middle, two bookcases on either side of the bed on the front. On each side was a staircase that took you up to the level above the bed that was the play area. Each bookcase had a turret built on top to make it look like a real castle. It wasn't anything that Makenna would use anytime soon, but so worth the wait for her to grow into it. It was definitely an Alice touch, and so beautiful. Bella turned to look at them standing in the door, and waved me over. I walked up and wrapped my arm around her waist.
"What do you think, you have been real quiet?" I asked.
"Edward, I don't have words. This is so overwhelming all of this in one day, is too much to take in. Again it's perfect, more than I could ever hope for. At the rate I was screwing things up before, I thought that Makenna was going to sleep in the bottom drawer of my dresser in a dorm room." I laughed at the crazy turns life has thrown me. I squeezed Bella against my side, and we turned to face our family. One by one they rushed into the room to congratulate us.
"Bella I'm so glad these rooms are finished, I was worried that the baby shower was going to be held in the garage. Man we pull things off at the buzzer don't we?" Alice laughed as she turned to us.
"Wait, when is the baby shower?" I asked alarmed.
"This coming weekend silly, we wanted to take advantage of all of our friends being home to come and celebrate with us. Is that ok with you?" She asked sweetly.
"Yeah by the time this break is over they will be so sick of the Cullen's, they'll gladly drive back to school to get away from us. I think we planned this well, payback for all those bitches treating Bella like shit in high school." Rosalie laughed, I turned to face Bella. My face was several shades of red I was certain.
"Bella, what did they do to you, why didn't I ever hear about this?" I asked; I was ashamed now that I had never paid enough attention to know this. I just didn't want her to think that I thought she couldn't take care of herself so I stayed out of anything that she seemed capable of taking care of.
"Edward, it was no big deal. They were just very happy to show their displeasure that you chose me and not one of them, and then they were so sure that we would break up so quickly. When we didn't, well they sort of spread rumors as to why you liked me and kept me around. It was just high school stuff, no big deal." Bella shrugged trying to show indifference, I turned towards Alice and Rosalie to confirm the statements. They both betrayed Bella's story; they were both shaking their heads in a negative fashion.
"Rosalie, why didn't you ever say anything to me about this, I would have handled it right away." I was furious by now.
"Because Edward we aren't your little puppets, we handled it the way we knew best. Girl fashion, we didn't need you, Emmett, or Jasper to sweep in and clean up our mess. We were perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. And that we did." She raised both her hands up for a high five from Alice and Bella. The girls chuckled in such a sinister way that I had to hear what the exact revenge was that was carried out.
"Okay Rosalie, spill, we want the details." Jasper drawled.
"Well it was simple really, we just put blue hair dye in the girls locker room showers. Specifically the last three stalls that I knew for a fact that Lauren, Jessica and their skanky gang always showered in." The smile let us know exactly how well the plan worked. I did vaguely remember about three days that none of Jessica, Lauren or several of their girls were at school. I assumed that was around the date of the hair dye incident.
"I was glad to have these two on my side when it came down to a girl fight. I didn't have much trouble out of the 'Bitch Patrol' after that." Bella remarked.
"Edward, I would leave that alone if I were you, I have heard rumors of what our women did and I don't ever want to cross them if even half of the rumors are true. They are fairly vicious, but in this case justified." Jasper walked over to stand between Rosalie and Bella, and draped one arm on each of them. He leaned in and placed a kiss on Bella's cheek and then one on Rosalie's cheek.
"Chickens!" Emmett bellowed at him from the doorway.
"Damn right I am, these girls are too tough for me." He answered.
Later that night after Bella had slipped into bed in our new home and I knew that she was asleep; I left and went back downstairs. I needed to get my thoughts in order because I knew we needed to have a talk and soon. I needed to find out where Bella's head was at, where she was emotionally with us. Her last few months have been so hard and I needed to know if we are okay. Where we go from here and how we make sure that Bella is ready for a serious relationship that she won't dart off at the first sign of any drama. I mean we have a child to think of now, we can just throw up our hands and run when the going gets tough.
I picked up the phone and called Carlisle, I knew he would hear my thoughts and help me sort through them.
"Hey Edward, everything okay?" I'm certain he was confused as to why I was calling this late at night.
"Yeah, I just need to talk for a few. You got time?" Why was the emotional stuff so hard to get through without feeling like a pansy?
"Sure, let me take this in my office so I don't wake up Esme. Hold on." I heard the line click and felt the silence settle in over me. I was so confused; I had no idea where to start with all of this.
"Okay, so shoot, what's on your mind?" Carlisle's gentle voice made me feel even more unsure of myself.
"I don't even know where to start…" I stuttered.
"It's a lot Edward, you both, have been through a lot this past few months." A large sigh escaped from him as I sat trying to decide where to start.
"Let me ask you this." Carlisle started.
"Sure."
"Are you happy with Bella now?" Fuck, he started with the million dollar question right off the bat.
"I don't know. I mean I know, I am happy but the fear that she will take off again is so damn hard to carry. I am scared to death of everything that I do and say. I feel ready to break down into tears at every word or gesture. How do I carry that?" Call me whatever name you want to call me, hell I didn't care, I just needed to get this off my chest and solve this before I cracked under the pressure.
"Have you told Bella this?" His simple statement caught me off guard. I was too damn scared to tell her and scare her even more so.
"I'm too scared to." Honesty seemed like the best answer to me.
"I'm sure you are but you can't carry this forever, eventually you two need to talk this out. If not for you then for your baby."
"What if she says she doesn't want to stay together with me, what if she just needs help with Makenna? I can't take it if she leaves me again and this time she will take our baby with her. I…" I didn't know how to finish that sentence.
"Edward you don't even know if that is a possibility or not. You are asking for worry and trouble before you even know if it is knocking on your door. You need to talk to her." Why did his answers sound so reasonable when he said them but so insane when I thought them?
"I know, I just don't know how." Fear tinged my voice.
"That sounds normal to me, what are your fears? Maybe if we can talk about your fears you can organize them and know exactly what you want to talk to Bella about. How does that sound?"
"Sure."
"Okay so then tell me your biggest concern or fear or whatever." Carlisle started.
"I'm just so afraid that she is going to run at the first sign of trouble, I need to know that she cares enough about all of us, all of this to stay and fight for it next time. Cause there will be a next time, I will fuck up and there is nothing I can do about that." I ranted, apparently I had more hostility than I realized.
"I agree that you need to talk this point out for sure, but you might want to take the anger down a notch, it doesn't help her feel comfortable to know that you are angry about it all."
"I'm not angry, at least not totally angry. More scared then angry, but I will try to work on that." I conceded to him.
"Explain it to her, explain that you are scared, that you love her. That to you this is forever and you want to know how she feels about your relationship. Then give her a chance to explain. When she is done then ask her why she ran the first time, why she didn't trust you enough to talk to you about it. Tell her how you feel or felt when it happened, don't accuse or belittle her. Allow her to get her feelings out as well, but the most important thing is to be totally honest. No matter how much that leaves your heart exposed to her, you have to be honest or it won't work." Carlisle's words echoed exactly what my heart feared, total honest without protection for the tender organ. "Unless it's not worth it to you to make this work, then by all means walk away and just take care of your child." The total and utter ridiculousness of Carlisle's words made my heart stutter again.
"There is no way I can walk away from her or Makenna now. I am all in, I mean it." My voice was firm with my resolve.
"Good." I could hear the smile as Carlisle spoke. "That is exactly what I wanted to hear from you. Now tell Bella that." I guess I feel right into his trap.
"Okay, thanks for the help. I will talk to Bella tomorrow after we have both had a chance to get some rest."
"Sure, Edward, anytime. Night."
"Night Carlisle."
I hung up and sat in the silence. Just like always when the silence settled in on me my mind found a melody hidden deep inside and began to work on it.
It amazed me how easily I could pour my heart out in words and melodies but not with Bella. I guess this song would have to speak for me.
From the very first moment I saw you
That's when I knew
All the dreams I held in my heart
Had suddenly come true
Knock me over stone cold sober
Not a thing I could say or do
Cause baby when I'm walking with you now
My eyes are so wide
Like you reached right into my head
And turned on the light inside
Turned on the light
Inside my mind hey
Come on baby it's all right
Sunday, Monday, day or night
Written blue on white it's plain to see
Be mine, be mine
That rainy shiny night or day
What's the difference anyway
Baby till your heart belongs to me
If I had some influence girl
With the powers that be
I'd have them fire that arrow at you
Like they fired it right at me
And maybe when your heart and soul are burning
You might see
That every time I'm talking with you
It's always too soon
That everyday feels so incomplete
Till you walk into the room
Say the word now girl
I'll jump that moon hey
Come on baby it's ok
Rainy shiny night or day
There's nothing in the way now
Don't you see
Be mine, be mine
Winter summer day or night
Centigrade or Fahrenheit
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Be mine, be mine
Thursday Friday short or long
When you got a love so strong
How can it be wrong now mercy me
Be mine, be mine
Jumpin' Jesus holy cow
What's the difference anyhow
Baby till your heart belongs to me
Once I was satisfied with the song I laid the book down and walked out the back door. Too keyed up to sleep, I just needed some fresh air.
I walked around the backyard for a while and imagined all of the fun times I would have with Makenna and Bella out here.
When I walked back inside Bella was sitting at my piano and was thumbing through my book of songs.
"Hey, baby, are you okay?" I walked over and kissed her on her forehead as I slid my hand around to the back of her neck under her silky hair.
"Yeah, just couldn't sleep, I couldn't get comfortable." She chuckled as she waved her hand over her large stomach. "Are these uh…yours? I mean did you write these?" She said as she flipped through the book.
"Yeah." I ran my hand through my hair, not exactly sure what she saw. Some of those, especially the ones from when she first left were not that nice… or good for that matter. "I uh…yeah…I wrote those. Some are not that good, I don't really think any of them are that good actually." I pulled it away from her and tried to roll it up.
"Edward, no." She stood and pulled the book out of my hands and opened it to a song. "This, this one right here is beautiful. I love this one." She touched a page and then flipped to another one. "This one made me cry when I read it." She ran her fingers over the words I had just written merely minutes ago. "These are good, really good." I ducked my head, I was not used to someone else looking at my songs, reading my words, seeing my soul spilled out on paper. But if I wanted to share them with anyone, it would certainly be with Bella.
"Some of these are kinda sad. I guess I know what or rather who inspired those." She looked down and away from me.
"Bella, you inspired all of these. Not just the sad ones, you have always been my inspiration." I tilted her face up so that she was looking at me. "Always. Nothing ever changed for me, at any time." Small tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.
"I'm so sssssorry Edward. I only did what I thought was right for you. I swear, I never wanted to hurt you," she cried. This is so not how I imagined this talk happening. But I guess we would hash this out now since it obviously was on her mind as well.
"I know you didn't mean to but you hurt me, Bella. You never gave me a chance to decide my own fate. You decided for me and that is what hurt. You left me without reason or any real explanation. I don't hold any grudges but it scares the hell out of me, I don't know what is stopping you from doing it again. I now have two people to lose Bella, and I can't lose either of you. I just can't. I have to know that you really want to be here with me, Bella. For us, and not just because of the baby." Tears filled my eyes as I spoke the words. I knew that the pain in my heart would surely kill me if she left again. I would never survive it. Losing her was hard enough the first time, I couldn't bare to let her go now.
Her hand reached up and wiped the tears off of my face. "I would say I'm sorry for the rest of my life if it would take it away, I swear I would. I was always so sure that you belonged with someone better, someone who deserved you. I always felt like I didn't deserve you, so it made sense when I over heard Esme say those things. I decided that I would make it easier on everyone and just go. I swear I had no idea that I was pregnant; I would never have kept that from you. Ever."
"I know that you wouldn't but…you did. Bella you could have called me and told me about our baby when you found out but you didn't. You made all the decisions, you left me in the dark, you took all of those firsts away from me. I need to know that you are in this with me till the end or you need to walk away right now. I can't put my heart through that again." I walked away from her because if I stayed I would say things that would be hurtful and I didn't want to hurt her, I never wanted to hurt her.
I heard Bella walk away. I was afraid that I had pushed too far and that she was leaving again when I heard her footsteps coming back to me.
"Here, read this. I wrote this for you." Her tears flowed in streams down her face. I searched her eyes and found her just as broken as I felt. I pulled her pink girlie journal from her hands and read the words on the page.
I've always tried to walk this out with my head held high
But lately I've been filled with doubt and I don't know why
I'm so afraid to let you see my scars
I find myself forgetting who you are
When I see my face in the mirror
I see a woman who tries so hard to but needs your grace
What if I fall and let you down?
What if I break?
Will you stay around and pick up the pieces of this heart?
And hold me in your arms?
I'm so frail and I'm so weak
And I need to know
What if I fall?
What if I let you down?
Will you come and breathe life into me?
Oh God, please hear me now
In this gravity, it tries to pull me down
Help me believe, I need to know that your love is wide enough
To feel your grace and know that your arms are strong enough
What if I fall and let you down?
What if I break?
Will you stay around and pick up the pieces of this heart?
And hold me in your arms?
I'm so frail and I'm so weak
And I need to know now
What if I fall?
What if I let you down?
Oh, I can feel you reach to me as you cover over everything
Oh breathe of life, my soul to sing, forever, forever
I can hear you call my name as forgiveness falls over my shame
Oh breathe of life my soul to sing forever, forever
What if I fall and let you down?
What if I break?
Will you stay around and pick up the pieces of this heart and hold me in your arms?
Cause I'm so frail and I'm so weak
But I still believe that when I fall and when I let you down
I know you'll come and breathe life into me, I know you'll come and breathe life into me
"Bella this is beautiful. You wrote this for me?" I was blown away at her honest emotion.
"Yeah, I knew that what I did was wrong and I didn't know how to fix it or make it better at all. I never wanted to be away from you, but I didn't want to hold you back either. I know that taking that decision away from you was wrong. I do. I would take it all back if I could. Believe me when I say that I needed you there every single second that you were gone." She looked wound up and I worried that this couldn't be good for the baby but I let her finish. "I was so scared without you and it killed me every time I would need you or want you and you weren't there. I'm so sorry that I didn't talk to you about this. I will never make that mistake again. Never!" Her chest was heaving with the energy she had expended with her rant.
"Bella, I know. You need to calm down for me now okay?" I lead her over to the chair in the living room and pushed her down into it as I lifted her feet up into my lap on the ottoman. I gently massaged the soles of her bare feet hoping that would calm her down.
"I don't want to be without you and I don't want you because of the baby. I love you Edward, in fact I love you so much that I was willing to give you up to make you happy. I promise I will never do it again though; I'll never make a decision without your input. Trust me I have learned my lesson, please say you still love me and that we can make this better?" Her sobs caused her to stutter and stumble through most of her speech but I never doubted the truth behind her words. She looked broken and I knew that she would never do this again.
I couldn't help but lean over and kiss her sweet mouth. I needed her to see that I did forgive her, and wanted her with me.
"So, we talk about everything and are totally honest with each other from now on?" I asked as my lips grazed against hers with my movements.
"I promise." Her soft lips said still pressed against mine as well.
"Okay, then I'm good with that. Let's get my baby momma in bed."
"I am so not a baby momma, Edward!" She growled as I pulled her out of the chair and up against me.
We both sobered as our eyes met and held each other's gaze. "I love you so much, thank you for coming back to me." I whispered to her.
"Oh, Edward, I love you too. Thank you for taking me back."
We walked back upstairs to our bedroom and climbed in bed…together.
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