Bella
Exhausted did not even begin to cover how tired I was when we were finished shopping. Alice, God bless her, she did try to keep it to a bare minimum. But no matter how hard she tried she would get over excited about a deal she saw and she was off again. Esme took pity on me and was able to find me a place to sit down and rest while Alice and Rosalie shopped away twice.
I did get all of my shopping done though, so I guess I can't complain. I won't have to go out again with Alice, at least for the sake of Christmas shopping.
Edward unloaded all of the bags and brought them into the house while I changed into something more comfortable. I had just settled on the couch when Edward joined me. We both stretched out, his warm body against mine felt like heaven. He was watching a movie while I dozed off and on.
I startled awake when the house phone rang. Edward turned and looked towards it but made no move to get up to answer it. I glanced up to see if he was sleeping as well. When his eyes met mine he gave a sheepish smile. "It felt too good right here to get up and answer the phone." I simply hugged him tighter to me, I agreed whole heartedly with that statement. I was just about to answer when I felt Edward's phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled away slightly and pulled it from his pocket. He frowned slightly at the screen before he answered it.
"Hello?" His voice was calm and sleepy sounding.
"Oh, hey, yeah sure she's here. Hold on." He handed the phone to me mouthing Angela as he did.
"Ang, what's up?" I answered. I couldn't wait for the chance to catch up with her. I felt so bad that we started this adventure together but I came back and left her halfway through it.
"Bella, what's up girl?" She sounded carefree, perhaps even slightly tipsy.
A small chuckle escaped before I answered her. "Not much Angela, how are you?"
"Well I saw Alice as I was leaving the mall in Port Angeles and she caught me up with everything that has been going on. She also gave me all your numbers. I tried to reach you on your cell, sorry for calling you at home. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay." She sounded sad and scared for me.
"Yeah things are really going well. They weren't for a while but we are past that now." I chanced a glance up at Edward. He ran his up and down my back, almost as if he wanted to soothe away those painful memories. I wasn't glad that we were ever apart, but it did bring us to this point in time so I guess you have no choice but to take the bad with the good.
"Good I'm glad. I was really worried about you girl. You and Edward both deserve so much happiness and I was so scared that you would not find it with each other." Angela sounded so relieved and I felt so guilty for allowing my life at the moment to consume me and for not making the time to catch up with her better. To make sure she knew how much I appreciated her and to make sure she was doing okay herself. Before I even realized the words were out of my mouth.
"Angela, what are you doing now? Why don't you come over and we can catch up?" I glanced up at Edward and he was nodding at me. He made to move off of the couch but I stopped him. His body relaxed right back against mine again.
"Sure, Ben and I were just going to hang out at my mom and dad's house. I'll call Ben and tell him the change of plans." Angela was answering when I cut her off.
"Bring Ben with you, he and Edward can catch up as well." The thought of the four of us hanging out at the house made me feel so happy and content. Neither Edward nor I were ever 'go out every night' kind of people. This right here, what we had was enough for me; it would always be enough for me.
"Sure that sounds great, I'll call him. See you then." The smile could be heard in her voice. She sounded happier after our phone call.
"Okay, bye."
I handed Edward's phone back to him and we snuggled for a few more minutes before Angela and Ben came over.
The closer it got to Angela and Ben arriving the more nervous I became. It suddenly felt like I was 'playing house' with Edward and none of this was real. I felt like at any moment someone is going to call me out for pretending to be a grown up. I stood frozen in the middle of the family room trying to decide what to do about this feeling when Edward came around the corner from the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks and then seemed to fly at super speeds over to me. His hand came to rest alongside of mine on my stomach. "Baby, what's wrong? Is something wrong with Makenna?" Panic clearly creeping along his face.
I tried to smile but felt the tears and knew that I couldn't pull it off. So I opted to be honest with him. "I'm so scared Edward. What if I'm not good enough? What if this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up tomorrow alone?" With the words spoken out loud I began to panic even more. My breathing became shallow and shaky. I was losing my grip on reality.
Edward wrapped his hands along the sides of my face and neck and pulled me very close to his face. He searched my eyes and smiled. "It's okay baby, you're okay. This is a lot to take in and deal with so close together. But we are fine, Makenna is fine and that is all that matters." The serene smile showed the truth in his words and I didn't doubt him for a minute. I had no idea in fact, how I ever made it through those few months without him. He always knew when and what to say to me to bring me back to reality. He began to breathe in a slow and regular pattern so I followed suit. Soon, my panic was completely gone and I felt so much better. After a few minutes I was back to me again and the panic was completely gone. I tried for a weak smile again and I must have pulled it off because Edward kissed my forehead and murmured to me, "There's my girl again."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." I voiced as he pressed me against his chest.
"Don't you dare apologize. That was a moment of panic that is all. It just bothers me that you might have been in pain or suffering some fear that is all. I'm fine, just worried about you."
"It's not all of the time, just a few times since my mom died. I guess I just think about things too much and worry about what may happen. I need to stop I guess."
Edward tightened his arms around me as he spoke. "I had them after my parents died too. If Carlisle and Esme went out together it just about broke me down. I was so afraid that they would die together and leave me alone again. It was something that got better with time but please don't ever be afraid to say that you are having trouble. I want to know and help you out, I promise I will always be here for you."
We both turned and looked towards the front of the house when we heard a knock. "That must be them, we can do this another night if you want." Edward offered.
"No, I'm fine now. I want to catch up with Angela before things get too crazy around Christmas and she has to go back to school." I stood up and smoothed my clothes out. Edward gave me a once over and must have been satisfied with me because he turned to move towards the front door.
Angela and Ben came in carrying some Chinese food take out. "Sorry, we didn't know if you all have eaten but we haven't so we brought enough for both of you too." Edward and I both chuckled. He knew as well as I did that no matter how much they brought it would probably not be enough for me at this stage in my pregnancy.
"What?" Ben asked as he looked from me to Edward and back to me again. When neither of us offered an answer he turned to Angela. She simply shrugged at him and moved over to hug me. Panic no longer anywhere in my mind, I just wanted to sit down and share all the details that I knew Angela would want to know.
We all moved to the kitchen and opened the food. Once we had fixed a plate and settled around the table to eat, we began to talk. Ben told us how his school was going and then he shared his big news. He had asked Angela to move off campus into an apartment with him. Turns out that our dorm only got worse after I came back to Forks and Ben's wasn't much better. His roommates always had people over and he was never able to study. So since they both were miserable with their current living conditions he decided that it might be time to take the plunge and ask her. I almost chocked on my food.
"How did your dad take it Angela?" I asked when I was able to clear my mouth of food.
"Well he wasn't really happy about it but he said he trusted me to make these types of decisions for myself. I think it helped that Ben and I have been dating since we were in junior high, so he knew it wasn't a spur of the moment decision with a guy I barely knew."
"Wow." It was all I could think to say. The two strictest parents I knew were allowing their daughter's to move in with guys and not flipping out about it. Perhaps they now saw us as adults that were capable of making decisions about our life for ourselves now.
"Yeah, I was a little blown away as well. I expected to be banned for life from the Weber house or have to hide the fact that we were living together for years till we graduated and I asked her to marry me. Imagine my surprise." The shock still showed on Ben's face.
"How did that conversation go with Mr. Weber?" Edward asked. His face full of mischief but Ben answered honestly.
"Well I got the whole speech about making an honest woman of his daughter and how he has always liked me so don't do anything that would change that now. I promised him that I wouldn't do anything intentionally to mess things up and would try my best to stay on his good side!" Ben laughed along with Edward. "But you dude, you must be bulletproof! Telling Chief Swan that you knocked up his girl and now want to live with her, man my hat is off to you!" Ben held up his arm for a fist bump from Edward.
"Yeah well don't think that I didn't get the speech as well. And he wore a gun when he gave me mine, so don't tell me nothing about fear when you got yours from a peace loving man of God. I got mine from the Chief of Police while he was wearing a gun!" They both laughed louder at that part. Angela and I just watched as our two men laughing at their own misfortune.
When we finished dinner we all cleaned up and the guys went in search of a video game to play. So Angela and I drifted off to the living room so we could talk without screaming over the fake bullets flying in the background.
Once we settled down on the couch I asked, "So, living together huh?" She smirked. Angela had always been the one to have her ideas set on how her life would play out. She rarely changed them, and this time she had changed them in a really big way.
"Well, I just knew it was the right decision. We have been together for years now. We know each other and we were both miserable in our own places. I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me and the look on his face when he asked me, I just knew I should say yes." Her smile became all soft and full of love.
I patted her hand; my heart was rejoicing that all of my friends were well taken care of and happy in love.
"Besides after watching you and Edward, I knew that I didn't want to be separated from Ben for one minute." Angela glanced up at me from the corner of her eye, like she was afraid that I wouldn't like to hear what she had to say.
"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even so she would know that I was curious and not angry in any way. I wanted to know how our pain had helped someone else.
"Well, when I saw how miserable you were without him and how you cried to sleep each night without him. I realized that at our age we could be in love, real love with someone. I always worried that this love was different than the love that our parents felt for each other. I was sure that this was less important in some way. That we didn't deserve the right to feel the real love yet, that would come when we were adults. So that is why I never looked for more with Ben until now. Now after seeing you and Edward fight to be together and knowing how hard both of you hurt while you were apart, I now see that this is a real love. That we can be capable of feeling this love and deserve to have this love. So, I knew that it was right to move in with him." She shrugged like this was the easiest concept to grasp and no big deal really. "And did you really think that I didn't know about the nightly crying?" She asked.
It was my turn to shrug. "You never mentioned it so I assumed you were a sound sleeper."
"Well, I was just waiting for you to come to me about it. You had so much going on that I was waiting on you to figure things out for yourself. I didn't want to push my ideas off on you." She picked at a thread on the bottom of her jeans.
"If I had come to you and asked what would you have told me?" I asked, wanting to know what she would have said. In some small way I wanted to assure myself that I would have ended up with Edward no matter what had happened to my mom and Phil.
"Get your ass in your car and go to him. Tell him everything and make him understand that you still love him." She smiled so big I thought she would split her lip open. Her confidence was comforting.
"How did you know that would work for us?"
"Because I talked to Alice almost daily and she told me how miserable he was. There was no reason for him to be that miserable unless he still loved you as much as you still loved him. So I knew that he would take you back, it wouldn't be an easy ride but you both would be so happy to be on the other side. And look at you I was right, you both look so much better. The happiness is written all over both of you. So tell me all of the details. I have missed our talks and missed you." She patted my leg; it reminded me of my mother and for the first time it didn't hurt to think of her.
I told Angela all about the first few days of being back in Forks without Edward and how much better things got when he showed up. He knew the right thing to say and do every time. I relayed how hard it was to keep the pregnancy a secret and how many time I almost told him. "But after I saw him again I knew I could not be without him. I was so scared that if I told him then he wouldn't want me anymore, and I guess a small part of me was scared that he had moved on and was just doing this as a friend. So, I kept it from him. It was wrong but I was just too emotional to take anything else and trust me when I say losing him again would be the biggest anything else I could face."
"I'm sure it was hard to keep it from him." She murmured.
"But the other half of me wanted to stand on the town square and scream it out. To tell him and maybe that would make him take me back, as sick as that sounds. It was a constant fight to know that he might come back for the wrong reasons and then the other side screamed who cares why he comes back, just that he does. I felt strung out all the time. I'm so glad that it came out but if I could change it all I would just call him and tell him the moment I suspected something and just be honest with him all along."
"That's a healthy step to realize your mistakes and make sure you don't repeat them later in life." The future psychologist in Angela was showing up and giving her opinion.
"Yeah trust me, I will never run away from anything ever again. I see now how differently things could have went if I had just been completely honest at any point in time. I thought at first because I wasn't out right lying that I was okay but now I see that omitting things is the same as lying. I'm just glad that Edward forgave me and still loves us both." I ran my hands over my ever growing stomach and felt a swift kick to my insides. "Even she realizes my mistakes." I laughed and Angela placed her hand beside mine to feel Makenna move along with me.
"Wow that is a strong girl you have." Angela giggled as we stayed huddled up feeling the small and sometimes big movements of the life growing inside of me.
After a few minutes of no movement I looked back up at Angela. "Can I ask you something?" I bit my lip in nervousness. I knew that Angela wouldn't judge me at all and would give me an honest opinion but I was still scared to have her know my inner fears and secrets.
"Sure, you know you can." She sat back and gave me a little space to gather my thoughts before I spoke.
"I had a panic attack today, it was a little one but I had one."
"What was the cause of it?" Her calm voice pulling the answers out of me before I even knew what I was saying.
"I was afraid that I was playing house with Edward and one day I would wake up and all of this would be gone, that he would be gone. I guess that the sudden way my mom died and then with all the drama with Edward, I am just so afraid that we aren't really real. I know that sounds stupid but it's what I feel."
"That makes perfect sense, it's not stupid at all. Have you talked with Edward about this?"
"Yeah, he says that he is never leaving me. And my head knows that he suffered just as much as I did when we were apart but my heart is still afraid that we won't make it. And Makenna and I will be alone. After being alone I know that I don't like that feeling at all." I gave an attempt at humor but it fell flat.
"Still normal thoughts and fears. It will have to be something that you talk over with Edward and decide what your signal is with each other to show that you are here together now. A simple gesture that only the two of you know that shows him that you are scared and he shows you that he is scared. We don't know what the future holds but we can't waste right now worrying about it, because the worst may never happen and then we have ruined our life concentrating on something that never came. Live in the moment, you and Edward are fine and Makenna will be fine when she gets here." Angela patted my stomach again.
"Again my head knows you're right but my heart wants something more to prove to itself that this is correct. I guess I will get better with time, right?" When she nodded her head at me I continued. "Then I guess that's what I need is time."
"I kinda don't get it. I mean you are the one that left him and hid your pregnancy from him, so… why all of the sudden are you so worried about him leaving you? It should be the other way around, don't you think?" Angela asked me, serious doubt filling her eyes. Exactly the cause of her doubt was unknown to me.
"He could get sick of me at any moment. He could see how much I've changed and how big I am and just want to walk away. He could realize that he loves Makenna but not me. Not enough to spend the rest of his life with me. Then what do I do because he is everything to me?" I asked as sobs took over my body and tears poured out of me.
"Oh, Bella." Angela pulled me close to her and hugged me tightly. She pulled back slightly so that we could look each other in the eyes. "Honey this is the hormones talking. Edward loves you so much; it is easy to see in everything he does. Everything is about you as far as he's concerned. Even when he was not with you, he was still asking Alice to ask me if you were eating and sleeping enough. Seriously that boy is all in for you. Never doubt that." She wiped the tears away and smiled for me.
"You are so right once again. Oh my gosh I hate this part of being pregnant, these hormones are killing me." I sobbed again. I could see the logic in Angela's words but I still needed to convince myself a little more. I guess it was time to have the 'what do we do next' talk with Edward. "I guess I need to talk to Edward and try to iron out some of our plans. Perhaps if I could see how he imagined our future then I could convince myself that we will be fine." Angela nodded at me as I wiped my eyes, if Edward found me like this I knew it would make him concerned.
"So tell me about this moving in thing! How could you make such a big step without me?" I faked shock and surprise.
"Well we were at his apartment with all of his roommates home and each one has several guests. So needless to say that studying there was out. We walked over to our dorm room since we thought that we would get a little more peace and quiet there, since my roommate high tailed it off to her home town again." She giggled and pinched me on my leg. We both laughed as I slapped her hand off of me and stuck my tongue out at her. "Well, we were wrong. They were having some sort of bonding exercise with the girls from two floors up and there were people everywhere. So we took off and ended up in the library and it even got rowdy there also. Ben was a wreck because he needed to pass this exam and he wanted to keep his intern job so he needed to place in the top five of his class to do so and here he can't even study. He looked straight at me and said that his parents offered to pay for an apartment for him. And he thought he was going to take them up on that offer. He would be getting a one bedroom and definitely would not have a roommate." Her face was so sad with those words. I could see how what Ben said could hurt her. "He was quiet for a few minutes and I just thought he was studying. All of the sudden he looks up at me and says 'How pissed would your dad be if we called to tell him that you were moving in with me?' well I almost pissed my pants. I couldn't believe that he was saying this. But after his other comment I was too afraid to get all excited. So I said to him 'I thought you said you weren't going to have a roommate?' And he just looks me in the eye and says 'you are my girlfriend not just some silly roommate.' Well I almost died, I started crying and he was so confused. I finally explained that I wanted to be both and he said well that is what I have been asking for the last twenty minutes but I guess I wasn't saying it the right way because you never answered me.' So I shouted yes and kissed him, then the librarian threw us out for yelling and public displays. But all in all it was the best trip to the library I have ever made." She was beaming, the love oozing out of her. Me, of course being the hormonal pregnant girl that I am, cried all the way through it.
"So when do you two move in together?" I asked through my tears.
"Well, see that is the thing. We already have." Obviously she could see the panic on my face because she threw her hands up and halted my words before they could even come out of my mouth. "Wait, wait, wait! We moved the first of this month, but we took a really small one bedroom to keep me from having to work. So we moved some of my stuff and some of Ben's stuff into the apartment and rented a small storage room to hold what couldn't fit." She looked satisfied with herself but that still did not give me a clue as to where my stuff was at the moment.
"And so you left my stuff in the dorm all unattended? I know none of it was really expensive but it was mine and I don't want it all stolen!" I shouted and began to pace around. Ben and Edward both stuck their heads in the door, Edward looked distressed and Ben looked smug.
"Bella Swan, I would never do that to you, calm down and I will tell you where your stuff is." I huffed at her and crossed my arms over my chest. I would listen but I wouldn't like it.
"Fine." I said as I plopped down on the couch again.
"I packed it all up and put it in storage with mine and Ben's stuff that didn't fit in the apartment. Except your microwave, we're using that." I raised my eyebrow at her. "What? Neither of us had one so shut up, besides you weren't using it anyways. Are you mad at me?"
I sat and pouted for a few seconds longer, just long enough to see Angela glance over at Ben with a distressed look on her face. Then I stood up and cracked the biggest smile and began to jump around in happiness. Well the amount of jumping that a large pregnant woman can do. "You silly girl you, of course I'm not mad at you. I love you so much for thinking of me when you didn't have to, at all." I hugged her to me and congratulated her on her big step with Ben.
We hugged and bounced in a little circle, forgetting that the boys were there at all. Until Edward cleared his throat, obviously disturbed by seeing us act like schoolgirls on the playground, and suggested, "How about we have some of that chocolate cake that is left?" I immediately stopped and stared at him. How dare he give away my chocolate cake! But I stopped when I saw the glee in Ben's eyes.
"Fine, if you both are good boys I'll even share some of my ice cream with you!" Both boys took off towards the kitchen, Angela and I following after them shaking our head.
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