Edward
"Emmett, what are you and Jasper doing while the girls are shopping?" I asked hoping that they were free and could help me out.
"As far as I know just watching our girls spend mass amounts of money, why what do you have in mind?" Emmett asked as he ate a banana in two bites, his mouth stuffed full like a squirrel.
"I need to run across the street to the jeweler and get Bella an engagement ring. I was hoping that you and Jasper would want to come with me." I didn't want to look up at him, I was afraid that he would take the opportunity to rib me about this situation, and I couldn't handle that now. All of the feelings were too new and real, I was afraid that I would lash out at his teasing. He was silent for so long that I thought that he walked away, so I glanced up and he was staring at me, opened mouth staring.
"Dude, for real? You want me to go with you?" He asked his mouth now empty.
I just nodded, afraid that this was the beginning of the teasing.
"Cool, I'll get Jasper, and be right back." And he practically sprinted away from the table where we were seated. I headed up to tell Alice where I was going so she could keep Bella occupied until I got back. I, of course, censored that shit and just told her that we were going off to buy gifts for the girls. She didn't need to know everything.
The girls thought that we were pulling their legs and just wanted to try to follow them and peek at what they were getting for us. She had no idea that we had our own plan. Well…I had my own plan and Jasper and Emmett were going along with me because they had nothing else to do.
Jasper and Emmett came jogging down the stairs as we descended away from the food court and towards the parking lot. Emmett wanted to drive his jeep so we left with his music blaring and gravel flying. He was so excited, I wasn't sure why.
"Em, what is up with you, why are you so excited about this trip?" I was probably going to regret the answer he gave, but I needed to know.
"Edward, you're my brother. I have waited for the day when you needed my help with anything. You have had your shit together for so long that you have never really needed me for much, and now you finally need me. So yeah, I'm super excited. I want to do this for you and Bella; we have wanted this for you, it makes our family complete." He knuckle bumped Jasper in the back seat and grinned so hard I was afraid he was stoned. I shook my head and just chuckled. Every so often you could count on Emmett to do or say the right thing, and this was one of those times.
The rest of our short ride we spent in quiet, sure that each of them is contemplating what this ring will mean for each of them. I was trying to decide what type of ring Bella would like and what would look good on her. I knew she wouldn't want me to spend any money on her, but I didn't care what she wanted for this. I was going to get the ring that I liked and she couldn't do a thing about it.
We had agreed to meet back at the food court in three hours. That was all Bella could handle was three hours. So I set the time limit. I hoped that it was enough time for me to find what I was looking for. Because, I had to leave the mall, go across the street and pick out the ring and get back, I prayed that they had what I was looking for.
Jasper, Emmett and I all rushed to the car and high tailed it across the street. When I walked through the door I had no idea what I wanted. I did have a few ideas of what I did not want, I knew that Bella wouldn't want something big and gaudy, she was a classic kind of girl and would appreciate a classic type ring. I searched, and searched, and searched. I was getting nervous, we had been in the store for almost two hours and I had not found anything that I liked at all. Emmett and Jasper had moved on and each of them were looking for a little trinket for Alice and Rosalie. The sales lady went back into her vault one more time and came back with 6 more rings. I looked at the first two and immediately set them aside, and then I saw it. I grabbed it up and looked it over. It was perfect for Bella. She would probably say it was too big, but I thought it was just right for her. I called Emmett and Jasper over; they each looked at it and nodded their approval. It was a two carat cushion cut center stone that was surrounded by round stones, and two rows of smaller round stones cascading down the band. If you held the ring up to look at the side of the band it was adorned with three small round stones down each side and a small heart shaped stone in the center. The matching wedding band had round stones. It was very antique in design, and I knew Bella would love it.
The sales lady said that Bella was to wear the side with the heart shaped stone towards her so she could see the heart and be reminded that I gave her my heart with this ring. How true were those words, I was giving my whole heart to her, and I wanted her to have this ring to show her. I paid and left with the ring and another small token for Bella in my pocket. I couldn't wait to get back to her.
I took the boxes back out to the car and hid them in the back of Emmett's jeep. I could get them out later when we met up to go home.
We rushed back and met the girls in plenty of time. Bella trudged over; she carried so many bags that she must have got a gift for half of Forks. Her face showed the level of exhaustion that she was feeling. I needed to get her something to drink and get her home to rest; both in quick order.
Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper agreed to follow us back to our place because they had some of Bella's stuff mixed in with their bags. I agreed quickly because that would give me a chance to get Bella's gifts out of the Emmett's jeep at the same time.
When we arrived at the house I sent Bella and the girls inside with the bags they carried, while I got the gifts for Bella out of the jeep. When I got back in the house the girls had already straightened out what they need to and Alice and Rose were heading back outside towards the Jeep. I gave them each a hug and sent them on their way.
Bella had changed and descended the stairs, as she headed towards the family room, I yelled out for her to go and get a drink first. I knew she didn't drink enough while we were in the mall so I figured that we could kill two birds with one stone; she would get hydrated and I would get time to put my gifts away.
I took the boxes up to our room and hid the long slender box that held Bella's bracelet, in my closet and placed the ring box in my pocket. I wanted to give the bracelet to Bella on our wedding day as my gift to her.
I went back downstairs to find her. For some reason I had a sudden strong urge to be with her, near her and only her. I slipped into the family room and found her getting ready to sit on the couch. I slid down with her and pulled her close. I turned on a movie but for the life of me I can't remember what was playing. I could only think of Bella, Makenna and our future. I saw so many different scenarios playing out and I liked each and every one.
I heard the home phone ring but I saw no need to get up and answer it. Everyone who is anyone has my cell as well as Bella's so they can call me there. I would answer that one because I wouldn't have to get up to answer. Bella stirred against my side. When she looked at me I just told her that it felt too good to get up and answer it. She smiled and jumped again when my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I reached down and answered.
It was Angela. I was so glad to hear from her because I knew that Bella had been missing her. I handed the phone off to Bella and watched as she spoke to Angela. When she spoke about things being rough between us, I couldn't help but want to comfort her. I ran my hand up and down her back and thanked my lucky stars that whatever forces brought us back together. I realized that I couldn't live without her at all, ever again.
I half listened as she asked Angela to come over so they could catch up with each other. I guess this would give me time to call Charlie and talk to him about the ring I carried in my pocket. She asked Angela to bring Ben with her. I snuggled and held her a little longer before the others came over and I had to spend time away from her. She pulled away eventually and began to move from room to room to clean up, it must have been her nerves getting the best of her, because the house was already clean.
I left the room and went upstairs to call Charlie so she could work off of her nervousness.
"Charlie, how are things?" I asked when he answered.
"Edward, things are good. What about for you, is Bella okay?" His voice sounded a little higher than normal, he must be a little anxious.
"Of course, Charlie she's fine. I just need to talk to you for a few minutes. I uh…I guess I should have done this face to face. Shit!"
"Watch your language boy!" I cringed
"Sorry, I guess I'm just nervous." I ran my hand through my hair. I don't even know why I am bothering to do this. It's not like he doesn't know we are going to get married. I mean she is having my baby. Okay, well here goes nothing. "I called you today to tell you that I bought Bella a ring for Christmas. I want to give it to her." I stammered.
"Okay…what kind of ring? Like an everyday fancy ring for her to wear or does this ring mean something more to you and her?" Charlie prompted me; I guess I was just not going to get this right. I took a deep breath and allowed it to clear my head. I didn't want Charlie to misunderstand me. He needed to know that I had thought this over and there was no way I was unclear about this decision. Hell this decision was made a long time ago and nothing that had happened in the last few months changed that at all, in fact it has made it all the more clear that this is what I am supposed to do.
"Yes, this ring means a whole lot more to me. And I hope it does to Bella as well." My voice sounded cleared and more sure of itself. It boosted my confidence so I continued before Charlie could interrupt me. "I want to give Bella this ring and ask her to marry me. I know we have done a few things backwards and out of order but that changes nothing. I knew several years ago that I wanted to marry Bella. And us being apart has only strengthened that decision. I need her in my life. She helps everything else make more sense to me. Next to Bella, Makenna means more to me than anything else in this world. I want her to be born to two, happily married parents. I want to give her every chance to start off in this world the right way." Charlie was very quiet and I didn't know if that was a good sign or a really, really bad one. "Chief, I love your daughter with all of my heart and I love our baby just as much. I'm not foolish enough to think that this road we took will be an easy one but so help me I can't think of another soul I would like to try it with. So, please may I have your blessing to marry your daughter?" I flopped down on the bed and just waited. Okay, so I prayed and waited.
"Edward, you're right you both did things backwards. Are you sure that those mistakes will be forgiven and not held against either one of you? Are you sure that you can move on without the baggage holding you back?" Charlie was really serious about this and I guess I could see why. His relationship with Renee started the same way as ours did. Hot and heavy and ended with the two of them wishing they had slowed down and taken more time. Would that have made a difference? Who knows, would that have changed the fact that Renee got pregnant with Bella? I have no idea. But I do understand why he is questioning me and he deserves to know my answers.
"I can, sir, without a doubt. See those few months without Bella, when I thought I had lost her. They were torture. I worried about her and agonized over her every minute. But I don't know if I would change our time apart. I mean if I hadn't had that time I would not know with it was like to live without her and that makes her all the more special to me. I know I need her in my life. I can't live without her, so that makes it real easy to forgive what she did. To be completely honest I do understand why she did it, would I want her to do it that way again, hell no. But I understand and truth be told if the situations were reversed, I may have done the same thing, I know I would sacrafice my happiness if it meant that Bella would be better off without me." I shut my mouth hoping that I had said enough to him to make him understand how much I needed Bella and our baby in my life.
Charlie blew out a big breath and then just sat silent. I didn't push him or try to talk. I'm certain that he needed time to get his thoughts in order, just like I did. "Edward, I have always liked you. You were a good kid. And I'm proud of the man you have become. At times I swear you must be at least a hundred years old for the wisdom and patience you have. I agree that it is going to be a long hard road for the three of you but if Bella has a fighting chance with anyone, it is certainly you. So by all means, you are more than welcome to ask Bella to marry you with my fullest blessing."
I could hear Bella moving around downstairs so if I let the yell that was bubbling around the back of my throat out she would more than hear it. So with great difficulty I held it in. "Thank you, sir. You have no idea how happy you have made me, now as long as she says yes we are in business. I am so much more than you could ever understand."
I could hear the smile in Charlie's voice when he spoke again. "Sure Edward. Anything else I can do for you, you just let me know!"
"I will, sir, thank you again. Good night." I had no idea how in the hell I was going to contain this until Christmas. It would be very difficult.
"Good night, Edward. See you guys soon." Charlie said and disconnected the line.
I knew Ben and Angela would be here soon so I made my way back to Bella. She stood with her back to me, with her arms wrapped around her mid section in a very protective fashion around Makenna. Her face looked pained. She was miserable that much was very clear, but I didn't know why or how.
"Baby, what's wrong? Is something wrong with Makenna?" I asked, unsure of exactly how I got to her so fast.
She looked up at me and tried to smile but it was just for my sake. Her smile was not genuine, in fact she showed me with that smile how unhappy she was. Panic set in around my heart and began to squeeze in on it. What if she didn't want to marry me? What if she didn't want to be with me at all? Before anymore thoughts escaped my sick mind Bella spoke and eased all of my fears.
"I'm so scared Edward. What if I'm not good enough? What if all this is a dream and I wake up tomorrow alone?" She was going into a panic attack; I know this because I've had them. She was so worked up that she was panicking about it all. I needed to calm her down and fast. This type of breathing is not going to get enough oxygen to her or the baby. Besides I didn't want to have to call Carlisle and ask him for something to ease her nerves with her pregnant, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I wrapped my hands around her face and pulled her right up to me. Our foreheads touched and I spoke to her. Just her and me. I told her that we were going to be fine, and how much I loved her and our baby. I took in deep regular breaths and she began to follow suit. Before too long her panic seemed gone and she was back to Bella again. The fear was still there in her eyes but somehow we got through this one more thing together. The smile she gave me was closer to her normal smile and I was proud of the effort she put in. I kissed her forehead and said to her, "There's my girl again." Her strength astounded me.
She tried to apologize to me; I dismissed her need to worry about her actions. This was us and we were supposed to go to each other for this kind of help. I told her this and made her promise that she wouldn't hide these types of things from me. With her snuggled into my chest I told her how I had panic attacks after my parents died. How if Esme and Carlisle left the house together I would worry that they too were going to be killed together in an accident. My breathing wouldn't normalize until they stepped foot back into the house together and I could see for myself that they were fine. I promised her that I would always be there for her just as we heard a knock on the door. Ben and Angela had arrived.
When I voiced my concern for her and their visit she pushed it away. I think she wanted the chance to catch up and she did look fine now so I went and opened the door and welcomed them in.
Ben came in carrying Chinese food. Bella loved Chinese food! . "Sorry, we didn't know if you guys had eaten but we haven't so we brought enough for both of you too." Bella and I both laughed at that comment. Ben had no idea that Bella could eat what he had brought for all four of us, alone. She had such a large appetite now. I had no idea where it went because she was all baby. There wasn't an extra ounce on her so I just kept my fingers crossed that we didn't have a big baby that made it hard for Bella to deliver her.
We all began to talk as we ate. Funny thing is that we ended up talking about Ben and Angela moving in together. Then Ben went and brought up marriage with Angela. He spoke about it in the general sense and it was certain that he meant down the road. But all hell if I had any idea how we got around to this topic. I felt like Lord of the Rings when the ring gets hot and glows in the pocket. I could feel Bella's ring in my pocket and I'm certain if I pulled it out right now that I would be glowing. "How did that conversation go with Mr. Webber?" I asked Ben. Curious how he took it. Little did I know that he would turn the tables around on me and bring up the conversation about Bella being pregnant. The good thing is he knew before I did so that conversation didn't have to happen. I guess Ben forgot about that when he brought it up. And now that Ben mentioned it I was glad that I called Chief on the phone to ask about marrying Bella. I didn't think of the gun issue, I could not have done that face to face with him wearing a gun on his hip.
After dinner Ben and I went off to play video games and let the girls catch up. We played mostly in silence, which I love Emmett always wants to chatter on and on, until I needed to get a drink of water. We paused and I took off towards the kitchen. I didn't mean to pause by the doorway and listen but I couldn't help but stop when I heard Bella talking to Angela.
"I was afraid that I was playing house with Edward and one day I would wake up and all of this would be gone, that he would be gone. I guess that the sudden way my mom died and then with all the drama with Edward, I am just so afraid that we aren't really real. I know that sounds stupid but it's what I feel."
I knew that she still felt some anxiety about this. I paused to hear what Angela said to her. She could make me or break me with her next sentence.
"That makes perfect sense, it's not stupid at all. Have you talked with Edward about this?"
Angela was officially my new best friend. I love that girl.
"Yeah, he says that he is never leaving me. And my head knows that he suffered just as much as I did when we were apart but my heart is still afraid that we won't make it. And Makenna and I will be alone. After being alone I know that I don't like that feeling at all."
I knew that I should walk away but I just couldn't. I had to hear what all she felt, what all she was saying. I needed to make sure that I knew so I could alleviate her fears for her somehow. It was my job now to make her happy and chase away her fears.
"Still normal thoughts and fears. It will have to be something that you talk over with Edward and decide what your signal is with each other to show that you are here together now. A simple gesture that only the two of you know that shows him that you are scared and he shows you that he is scared. We don't know what the future holds but we can't waste right now worrying about it, because the worst may never happen and then we have ruined our life concentrating on something that never came. Live in the moment, you and Edward are fine and Makenna will be fine when she gets here."
Angela's voice was very calm and even when she spoke to Bella. Her soothing nature I'm sure was helping to calm Bella down.
"Again my head knows you're right but my heart wants something more to prove to itself that this is correct. I guess I will get better with time, right? Then I guess that's what I need is time."
Bella was trying to find a way to make some sense out of this. That was a good sign that she would be able to figure it out if given enough time and space. But I didn't want her to worry that long, I wanted to calm her fears right now.
"I kinda don't get it. I mean you are the one that left him and hid your pregnancy from him, so… why all the sudden are you so worried about him leaving you? It should be the other way around, don't you think?"
Angela asked the point that I wanted to know, why did she not trust me when she was the one that ran?
"He could get sick of me at any moment. He could see how much I've changed and how big I am and just want to walk away. He could realize that he loves Makenna but not me. Not enough to spend the rest of his life with me. Then what do I do because he is everything to me?"
Bella was crying, I wanted to run into the room and hold her next to me. To pull out the ring and tell her how much I wanted to make her mine for the rest of her life. Certainly for Makenna's sake but that was not the only reason. In fact that wasn't even the biggest reason, people have children together all the time and never get married. I wanted to marry Bella because I love her with all of my heart and I couldn't be without her!
"Oh, Bella. Honey this is the hormones talking. Edward loves you so much, it is easy to see in everything he does. Everything is about you as far as he's concerned. Even when he was not with you, he was still asking Alice to ask me if you were eating and sleeping enough. Seriously that boy is all in for you. Never doubt that."
I could hear Ben approaching me so I turned and pushed him back into the family room. I clamped my hand down over his mouth when he opened it to protest. "Shhhhh, the girls are talking and I don't want Bella to know that I overheard them. She will freak out if she knew." He just nodded his head under my hand, so I removed it from his mouth. When we were back in the family room I sat down stunned.
"So, what are you going to do about it?" Ben asked. I could see him looking at me from out of the corner of mine. I simply pulled the ring out of my pocket and showed it to him. His eyes were large, really large at the sight of the ring. "So this is the talk they were having?"
"Yeah, at least in a way. Bella was saying that she was afraid that I would get sick of her and leave her and Makenna alone." I ran my hands through my hair and tried to think of a way to ease her fears which would ease my fears.
"But you obviously didn't make this ring appear out of thin air when you heard the girls talking, so this is something you have already decided. Why don't you tell her that?" Ben suggested.
"I bought it this afternoon when we all went shopping and I called Charlie today to ask his permission." Ben almost spit out the drink he was taking when I said this.
"No wonder you were all freaked out by our conversation earlier. Dude, I am so sorry. I would never have said that if I had known." Ben looked equal parts ready to laugh and very sorry for his actions.
"No big deal, you didn't do it on purpose. I mean you didn't even know." I said.
We both sat quiet until I heard a small shriek from the other room, it was a shriek if happiness so the heavy conversation must be over now. I couldn't stand to be away from Bella for one second longer so we both stood and moved back towards our women.
As we walked into the room Angela and Bella were hugging and jumping around in a small circle. I'm certain it was hard to do with an extra bowling ball hanging off of your stomach but Bella was managing to look quite appealing doing it. It made her bounce in all the right places and I needed to distract myself or we would be running Ben and Angela off right now.
I cleared my throat and suggested some of the chocolate cake that is left in the kitchen. It was a low blow but I know but I chose the one thing that Bella could not turn down right now…food.
I expected Bella to be pissed to know that her chocolate cake would now be gone but instead she suggested ice cream with it, so Ben and I being the boys that we are took off running towards the kitchen to get the cake and ice cream.
After Ben and Angela were gone for the night and the house was all locked up. I went up and found Bella lying in bed reading her baby book. I decided that we need to talk about school if nothing else. I would start with that and see how that part goes. Maybe this would alleviate some of her fears.
I approached Bella and suggested we talk. She was immediately wary, so I adopted a large smile trying to show her that this was not a 'serious' kinda talk. Well, not the kind that would bring her tears anyway.
When we both were comfortable on the chaise lounge in the music room I pulled Bella close to me. "Bella, let's talk about when we go back to college. Have you thought about that?" She settled with her back against my chest. I was fine with this for two reasons, first I could hold her close to me and second because she always seemed to be more forthcoming when she was somewhat anonymous as this position allowed.
"Well, not really. I mean we have had so much else going on that it hasn't moved to the top of my list yet. Why, have you?" I could tell from her nervous voice that she was biting her lip. She always did this when she was nervous.
"Yeah, I have." I waited to see if she would respond and when she didn't I finished my thought. "I can't be away from you or Makenna. So I decided that I would transfer to Dartmouth." Suddenly I was the one that was nervous.
"But, Edward, we have talked about this, you wanted to go to Harvard and follow in Carlisle's footsteps why would you want to change this now, it has been a dream of the two of yours for so long?"
"Bella, we will get back to that in a minute. Can you honestly say that you could live without me? That you could raise Makenna, go to school, and take care of the house?" I knew that was too much for Bella to take on just so she could preserve a dream that really wasn't mine to begin with.
I turned her so that I could see her face and began my confession. "Baby, you are giving up so much and making your life so much harder than it has to be. I wouldn't ever be able to be away from you or Makenna for that long. Never! You can't do this by yourself and you need to understand that we are a team. Always a team, never again is it just you or just me. We make all decisions together, all of them. Understand?" She nodded but I still saw a small amount of her stubbornness lingering in those beautiful eyes of hers, so I continued. "Do you know why I decided to become a doctor, why I wanted to go to Harvard?" I went for a different approach. "I was so impressed by Carlisle and how he was able to make people lives better, instantly sometime even. I was so thankful that he was able to help "save" when he took me in." I made the air quotes as I spoke. "I wanted to know that I was able to make a difference in people lives in that way as well. It was an honorable profession and I wanted to make Carlisle proud. But the older I got the more I realized that there were things that I wanted more. Ways in which I knew would change people lives just as much but it spoke to my soul in a bigger way." Her eyes showed her confusion so I rushed forward to further explain. "My music has always been an important aspect of my life. It was important to my mom and it has never waned for me. It only becomes more and more important the older I get." I tilted her face up to mine so that I could look her in the eyes. "It is the only thing that helped me hold on to my sanity after you left. It was the only place I could turn."
She glanced over towards my journal that I always wrote in. She had no idea that I had used four of those while we were apart. Most of those songs were angry and pretty blunt but still an important part of my healing. I realized that Bella was nodding her head at me. When I glanced down at her again she had her lips clamped down in between her teeth again and her eyes displayed her hurt. "I found your journal and read through a few of your songs. I saw the pain you were going through, the songs made a clear picture of that." I could only imagine what she found, like I said most of them were angry and hurtful.
"I'm so sorry that you saw those. They were the emotions of an angry person that was mad at the world. If you will notice that quickly those angry songs turned to why did I let her go songs and then longing for you songs. And deep down inside I was never really mad at you, I was mad at myself for allowing you to walk away and not fighting for you, for not doing something to stop you. I just let you walk away without a fight from me. Those songs expressed the anger, they helped me purge that feeling and realized that it wasn't really directed at you at all, the anger was for me." Her eyes showed her understanding at this statement. "This was my form of therapy, this helped me get through that anger and realize that I needed to be a man you could be proud of. If I ever stood a chance to get you back I needed to be strong enough to show you how much I loved you. That sounds strange to me now that I am saying it out loud but I swear it made sense when I thought it up." I tried to chuckle.
"So this is really that important to you?" She asked in a voice so quite that I wasn't even really sure that she actually said the words.
I nodded at her. "Bella, you have no idea. Other than you and Makenna, this means the most to me. I have spent so much time writing and playing, especially since I have been back here in Forks. I promise this is very important to me…that is why I want to transfer to Dartmouth and enroll I their music program." When she looked like she would interrupt me, I rushed ahead and finished my thought. "That way I will be with you, Makenna and still have my music. I swear we can make this work please tell me you understand and support me on this decision." I was close to begging but I had to have her with me or else it wasn't worth pursuing my music because it would be empty and meaningless.
I sat back and waited for her answer to come. It was pure torture to be patient for her to get her thoughts in order so that she could voice them out loud. "I know that we can't make decision for each other and I respect you for coming to me and allowing me to make this decision with you." She took a deep breath and I fortified myself for the bad news. "And I have noticed that you have played and written something each and every day that we have been here in Forks. I can't deny that, so if music is your dream who am I to say no to you?" Bella kept speaking but I didn't hear it or understand it at all because I crushed her up in my arms and swung us around in a circle. This was so much simpler than I ever thought. I pulled away from Bella to kiss her and realized that she was still talking. "Edward I know that I hurt you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry that I am for that. I let my insecurities hurt us both and keep you from knowing about Makenna sooner. I will never make decisions for you again, you were right that we are a team. I know that now and if moving to Dartmouth with me and studying music will make you happy then who am I to say no to you?" I wanted to engulf her, to take her into my soul and just keep her safe in there.
I said the only thing that came to my mind, "I love you so much!" I kissed her with all of the emotion that was held up in me.
She pulled away and giggled at me. "I love you too."
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