LTWYL-Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Edward

Over the past few months Eavan was doing so well. Of course I knew she would, she is like Bella in so many ways and one of them is her fierce determination to succeed.

Bella sees it as a bad thing that we found out so early that she had hearing impairments but not me. I saw it as a blessing in disguise. She was able to learn sign language and to her that is the way things have always been. She didn't know any other way of life and I may be wrong but to me that is for the best.

She is able to communicate with each and every one of our family members, even Gran and Pops had learned sign language for her. They aren't as fluent as the rest of us but they can still talk with their great grand-daughter and that is the most important thing.

Both of my girls have made me so proud. My heart swells each time I think about all they have accomplished in the last three years. Bella has kicked drugs and alcohol, she went to school and got her GED then she got an Associates Degree in Photography, now she has learned sign language and has moved out on her own with Eavan. Eavan has lived her life like a trooper, not letting anything slow her down.

I have to admit it scared the hell out of me when Bella announced that she was moving across town to be closer to Eavan's school. This was the first time in three years that she would be away from my mom and dad, I didn't want to doubt her in any way, but I just felt so much safer with her and Eavan there at my parent's. She had people around that could help her and support her twenty four hours a day. At her own place she wouldn't. She would be completely on her own. Mom told me I was silly when I confessed my fears to her. She told me how ready Bella was and how well she knew that Bella could handle the move. I never doubted that Bella could handle it. The man who was locked up in a jail cell worried about the things that were out of her control. The break-ins, the times when she would need help and none would be there, those types of things. I just wanted Bella's life to be so easy from here on out, for her to be cared for and taken care of. I guess I felt like I had to make up for lost time and do things so different now. You can't blame a man for worrying about the two most precious things in his life when he can't be there for them. I can't imagine how those guys in the military handle being away from their families during war time. At least I know for sure that I will get out of here, and there was no threat of danger that will possibly end my life while here. I can be thankful for something I guess.

Turns out all my worrying was for nothing anyway because Bella rocked it. She sent me pictures of her place and it was amazing. She had a small loft. Eavan and Bella shared the bedroom but there was another area that Bella could use for Eavan's toys. It was perfect for them. Bella seemed to be thriving in the new role life gave her. At their regular visits it almost made me burst to see how well she is doing.

She's beautiful. Not that Bella wasn't attractive before because she was. In fact her looks attracted me right away, one brief glance at her across that shitty house party we were both at and I knew I had to be with her. But now…the confidence and healthy living has made her breathtaking. Her small body has filled out after having Eavan and my hands just itch to touch her. Her hips have a nice flare to them that I'm positive is just the right size to rest my hands as I hold her under me; and her breasts, well they are amazing. She keeps saying how small they are but to me they are perfect. At night I close my eyes and imagine how her nipple would feel as it pebbled against my palms. Her skin almost glows and her eyes always shine now. Life has been good to my Muirnin.

I don't know exactly how our relationship will be when I get out. We have certainly talked about a million things but we stray away from sex or exact nature of 'us' when I get out. I guess that is something that we will have to figure out. I worried for so long that Bella wouldn't want to be involved with me at all but she put my fears to rest as far as that goes. I will never forget her words to me, 'Edward we both made mistakes, we're both fixing those mistakes. What kind of a hypocrite would I be to say no to you when I had a large part in how we were as well? You're my best friend and we will figure the rest out when the time comes.' How can I ask for more than that? I have no choice but to say that fate brought us together the night that we met. I know the first few years were pure hell to her but I guess we were meant to be together after all for some reason. I thanked whatever force brought her to me each and every day!

After many talks with Emmett and even Rosalie, we are back on speaking terms and in fact brothers again. We talk often and he visits me as often as he can. Several times he has brought Eavan with him and Rosalie. In fact mom and dad have shown up with Eavan in tow as well. I don't ever complain, the more time I spend with my girl the better off we are.

The past three years in here have given me enough time to repair every single relationship that I damaged with my family. Some things we will never know or understand, like how a kid from a loving family can stray so far away from his upbringing that he can end up in jail for hurting an innocent person. I have spent so much time on that specific topic. Trying to see the point where it all went wrong but I can't. I guess it boils down to small steps away from my normal and allowing other kids to be a bigger influence to me than my family was. I listened to them bitch about their shitty lives, listened to the music talk about how everyone in the world wanted to tear them down until one day I believed I was in that group. It sounds so stupid to say it now but that is exactly what happened. My parents loved me, they spent time with me, they supported me, they bought me the things I needed and most of what I wanted, they showed me they cared and somehow I still ended up an emo-punkass that roamed the streets doing any and everything he wanted. I bought into the lie that life sucked for everyone and you might as well do whatever you wanted because if not then you wouldn't have any fun at all.

My goal in life now was to show as many people that life was good in so many ways. You don't have to follow society and believe that unless you do drugs, party, drink, and have lots of sex then your life will suck. I want to help parents and teens repair the gap between them and make their relationship better before it gets to the point where they are visiting through glass with each other. I want to show them that they can be true to themselves and enjoy life while still being a good citizen. I'm not foolish enough to think that I can help them all, by no means. But I can help some of them and that is good enough for me. Each person has to get to the point where they want to be helped or it is just a waste of my time. But the few that want help will make a difference. Eleazar always says, 'Reach one, change one.' And I guess to be honest that is what it boils down to.

I guess I have talked about this enough that it has rubbed off on Bella as well. She goes with Jasper and talks with teen girls. She tells them about her life and how she turned it around. Just her testimony helps those girls know that there is a way to climb out. She has helped to mentor several girls and just beams with pride each time she talks about how well they are doing. It's amazing to look at the two of us now and see how far we have come.

I can't help but think back on the day that Eleazar came to get me and asked me to come to his office with him. It scared the hell out of me because we'd developed a routine. He never came to get me on Tuesdays, that was the day I worked in the Wood Shop. His face gave nothing away as he walked at a slow steady pace to his office. We both entered and I flopped into the chair across from him, it was a chair that I was very familiar with. I spent many, many hours in that exact chair talking with Eleazar. Sorting through my issues, dealing with schoolwork, then dealing with the issues of the guys I mentor. Somehow, today felt different, it felt foreign to me. Like I didn't belong here all of the sudden.

Eleazar's face shifted when he finally sat down and tented his fingers in front of him. He pressed his tented fingers against his mouth as he tried to hide his smile but it was too large. "Edward, I signed the paperwork for your parole hearing. You needed three signatures that stated you were ready and you had six. You are on the schedule for a parole hearing in about three weeks." He dropped his hands and sat back in his chair. I sat stone still. I had no ability to process what he just said to me. Parole was a word that I had thought often and dreamt of even more often but never really allowed myself to attach onto. I just couldn't, it was too scary to build myself up for the possibility of parole only to have them snatch it away from me because I wasn't ready yet. That would devastate me so I just thought of it as an abstract concept and lived my life.

"I don't understand, how…I mean. Fuck!" I stood up and paced around his office. "Really?"

"Yes, really. Edward you deserve this. You have changed; you're not the same person that walked in here three years ago at all, and this isn't a jailhouse reform that will disappear as soon as you step foot outside those doors, this is permanent." He stood up and walked around the desk to sit on the corner directly in front of me. "I see the fire in your eyes when you talk to these guys in here, when you gently lead them to talk about what they have going on. It's in here." He tapped my chest directly over my heart. "So, get your ass out of here and call that girl of yours and tell her you could be out of here in as little as four weeks." I sat still, unable to grasp the concept that I could be out in four weeks, at home in four weeks with Eavan full time in four weeks. I could hold Bella in my arms in four weeks. "Go!" Eleazar shouted at me.

I bolted out the door at his urging and walked to the phone. I had one person I wanted to call. I dialed the number and listened to the speech about the call being recorded and how to accept the charges. Then Emmett's voice called me out of my inner ramblings. "Ed, what's up dude?"

"Em, I have a parole hearing in three weeks." I couldn't hold the words in any longer.

"You're shittin' me? Hell yeah!" Emmett's response brought elation into the room. I now felt the joy, the happiness, all the things I should feel. I wanted to bottle this up and sell it around the world; I have only felt this happy two other times in my life. "How the hell did this happen?" Emmett asked.

"I have no idea, I mean everyone talks about what to do to prepare for parole hearings and they coach you to within an inch of your life for them but I guess I was too busy being scared to even hope for one that I didn't see that it was time for one." I pulled out a cigarette and lit it, dropped into the cheap plastic seat and tried to grasp the concept. "Eleazar said I had to have three people to sign off that I was ready for the hearing and I had six signatures. SIX!" I was so grateful to the people that believed in me enough to sign off on the papers.

"Edward, stop with the doubt. You deserve this." We really were brothers, so often he could tell exactly what I was thinking.

"Okay, fine. Now what the hell am I going to do?" I laughed.

"Well first of all we are going to get your ass cleaned up for that hearing then we are going to drag you out of there and throw the biggest party ever for you." I pictured a much quieter day for my first day out. A day spent with my girls, just us.

I realized that Emmett was still talking to me while I daydreamed. "Say all that again?"

"Well, I asked if mom and dad and Bella knew yet. I don't want to spoil your fun by telling them."

"Actually, I don't think I want to tell Bella just yet. I don't want to dash her hopes and all. I mean if I don't get it then she will be crushed and I don't want to do that to her." I exhaled loudly and forced the cigarette smoke from my lungs. Doubt began to creep in around my joy and squeeze it out.

"E, there's no way you're not going to get it. I mean look at you, you are the picture of reformedness." I chuckled at his stupid word. "Seriously, dude you got this. I'll be there for you, okay?" I nodded at him, I knew he couldn't see it or tell but right now I couldn't speak. The emotions were too close to the surface to speak around them. "You and me, just like when we were kids, okay?"

"Okay, just like when we were kids."

We talked for a little while longer and I made him swear he wouldn't tell Bella about the parole hearing. Once he promised I hung up with him. I really liked having my brother back.

I called my dad and relayed the story to him. He promised he wouldn't tell Bella either. We all agreed that if for some off the wall reason that the parole didn't come through we didn't want her hurt because of it. Dad promised that I could live with them until I get back on my feet and to be honest it sounded like a perfect solution to me. Sure I wanted to be with Bella and Eavan twenty four hours a day but I thought that this would work out better. It would give us time to learn each other again, don't get me wrong all the time we have talked through letters and phone calls have been great. But this, this is different. Face to face is different. I think we need to take it slow from here on out. So living with my mom and dad will be great. It would give me a chance to get a job, make some real money and establish my routine as well. I just want to be on the right foot before Bella and I start our relationship again.

Eleazar and I began to talk about the questions that the parole board would ask me. Each one I could answer with my eyes closed but that didn't stop me from being so nervous. I knew that on paper I looked good but people who hurt children don't look good to parole boards. So I could only hope that they saw me somewhere in between and trusted that my change was honestly that, a change. I wanted this new life more than I could voice, I wanted to make a difference in the world.

I talked with my dad everyday and we talked about so many things that would be different after I got out. I have to say that he pulled no punches with me, he was straight with me and wasn't afraid to ask the hard questions. In fact he was so tough on me that I had no idea who was harsher, him or Eleazar. I couldn't blame them though, I knew getting out was going to put all of the exact things in my face that I needed to stay away from. I knew that no amount of routines would get me through everything. I had to rely on my family to help me be strong.

I flopped down on my bunk and allowed the thankfulness to flow through me. I was thankful for so many things…Bella, Eavan, my family, and hopefully soon my freedom. All of the things that I would make sure to not take for granted this time around.

My mind raced to all of the things I wanted to do when I walked out the door of this prison. I wanted to hold Eavan, to kiss Bella, to say sorry to my family. I wanted to help kids who needed it. I never wanted another kid to end up like me. Lofty ideas I know but I had to hold on to the fact that I could make a difference; I could change someone else's outcome.

As I drifted off to sleep I thought of Bella, of the way her lips looked when she smiled. How desperate I wanted to continue the relationship we had together. Actually that is not right, not the relationship that we had before, but the new one we've begun, that is so much better. Based on our desire to make a real life for ourselves and Eavan not the sham we lived before. I wanted to see her happy and full of joy. I wanted to see her face when I made love to her, sweet, slow love. The kind where our souls touch and where she knows it is her mind, soul and her body that I love. Too show her all the things I never did before. I can almost feel her skin beneath my fingertips, the small indent at her hips where her body curves down to her sex. I'd like to run my lips along the crease of her leg and ease over to kiss her right where we both want it. To taste her on my tongue again, now that is worth any amount of questioning I have to endure.

The next morning I went about my normal routine, just with a little more reverence today than yesterday. Today was the most important day for me. Today would decide my future for the next few years, would I stay here or would I go home to my family.

When I walked into the meeting room with Eleazar, my family and even Jane and her family were already there. I hugged my mom and dad, and gave Emmett a one armed shoulder hug that guys give. I walked over and shook hands with Jane's mom and dad. We talked several times via letter, so I knew how they felt about the situation. It was a huge weight off of my mind, I'm not sure that my nerves could take seeing them there without knowing how they felt about me or the possibility of me being released. When I turned to Jane she was beaming, her beautiful face certainly showed her inner peace. I was ashamed for the damage I caused to her life but parts of me wondered if the experience actually had helped her in a certain way. I reached my fist out to her and she promptly put her fist up to bump mine. I knelt down so that I was eye to eye with her.

"Hey Edward," she responded shyly.

"Hey Jane, how are you?" I asked back.

"I'm good, I don't have any more surgeries so I'm real happy about that. It was hard this year in school though since I needed to be out of school so much. But I went to a school dance this year." Her smile became even wider at her last revelation.

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows at her. She hid behind her hand as she giggled at me.

"Yeah, daddy said I was okay to go because he knew Alex's dad. We just danced though, I didn't kiss him. But I did hold his hand." I gasped at her and she quickly recovered to add. "But don't tell my dad though, you promise?" Her pretty wide eyes begged more so than her words did. I couldn't turn her down even if I wanted to.

"Your secret is safe with me, I promise." I patted her back as her eyes returned to normal size. I stood up and noticed that my mom and dad were speaking to Jane's parents. I knew that they had kept in contact but it made me feel good to know that my parents cared enough about Jane to keep track of her progress along with me.

Jane tapped my hand as I stood watching our parent's talking. I glanced down at her again as she spoke to me. "Edward we can still write or even call now if you get out, right?"

"Of course we can. I would never just drop you because I got cut loose from here, I swear it. I'll even pinkie promise it if you want." I held up my pinkie and she giggled behind her hand again. "Come on, don't leave me hanging here, pinkie promise with me." I shook it as she linked her tiny pinkie with mine and we shook on it. "You are the coolest! There is no way I'm going anywhere, ever. You will have to ask me to quit writing or calling you, well that is if your boyfriend Alex will let me call you that is." She slapped my arm as I started to laugh.

"He might be my boyfriend but you are my special friend. We shared a big thing so you will always be my friend, I promise." Her eyes held sincerity to a degree which I haven't seen before. My heart felt for this sweet girl that was forever changed by me. I could only pray that it was a good chance, one that she would be happy for years to come. Jane's mom called to her and she scampered off to get settled for the hearing that would take place.

I also settled down into my chair, the nerves now all free and running amuck within my body. I was thankful for the fact that no one felt it necessary for me to wear handcuffs today because it allowed my hands free to twist nervously to settle my nerves, a little.

When all of the panel members had arrived the process began without much fanfare. The warden called the panel to order and read off all of the charges against me and the time I was ordered to serve. He also read off all of the accomplishments I earned while I was serving my time. He read the letters of recommendation that were written for me as well. After all of that the panel began to ask me questions about my past and my future, and how they would differ. I knew that I would be given a chance to speak after the questions so I gave as short of an answer as possible.

I stood to address the panel. I figured this is my one chance to speak for my freedom. "I know that the charges are serious and during the time I have been here I've had contact with Jane." I turned to see her sweet smile beaming back at me. "I have spoken with her each and every time she has been in the hospital, for each surgery and as she has spent time recovering from all of the surgeries." I stood tall and proud of myself, not for the actions that brought me here but for the way I have changed since. "And I live with the consequences, not as much as Jane does, but each time I hear her voice I do. I now realize how my selfish acts have affected others and will take every step possible to prevent myself from getting into the situations that lead down that road again." I made sure to not fidget as I spoke. I stood tall and strong. It was easy to do when I actually believed the words I spoke. "The drugs and alcohol certainly didn't help but the real problem was my anger. I am proud to say that all three of those situations are now under control. I have obviously been clean and sober since my arrival here and by working with Eleazar through my therapy I have learned ways to control and diffuse my anger." My eyes searched out each and every member of the panel, I needed each of them to see these weren't just words to me. I could read who believed me and who was still skeptical. I made certain to catch the eyes of the skeptics more often. "All the issues in my life that I thought caused the anger and gave me the right to be that way, I now see were self made. I put myself in those situations. I hung out with the people who furthered the problems. And all the while I told myself that they were the ones that understood me, that really cared about me. I was wrong. Across town my family were the ones that cared and loved me. I convinced myself that the problems with my family and self doubt were real when in fact they were also self made. Instead of talking things through with my family and realizing that there was only a small misunderstanding, I used the drugs and alcohol to numb myself. When in fact they made matters worse, they increased the anger and self doubt. I see that now. I know my triggers, I know how to communicate, I know how to diffuse. Not only has this time allowed me to go through therapy and better myself but it has also allowed me the time to go to school and learn how to help others make it through the rough times in their life as well." Several of the members of the panel began to write as I spoke about my school. So I expounded on this subject. "I have a trade that will earn me a living when I am released. I can support myself and my family. I won't have to worry about how to get along. I have a place to stay until I can secure my own residence; my parents have invited me to stay with them." I turned to look at my mom and dad. The pride was evident on their faces. I looked away quickly because if my mom cried I was sure to break down as well. "This will give me time to repair the damage that my angry teenaged self caused. I can get to know them again, rebuild the family bonds, and enjoy the life I should have had all along. I also have an even bigger excuse to make my life mean something. I'm a father now; well actually I have been for almost two and a half years." I faltered when I spoke about Eavan. She was one of the subjects that would immediately break me down. I also didn't think that it was a bad idea for the panel to see my sincerity on this topic. So I continued with the emotion in my voice. "We recently learned that she has some hearing impairments, in fact she can't process the tones required to hear voices at all. So she will rely on sign language to communicate. She needs both parents to help her navigate the problems that will arise from normal childhood and then the additional problems because of her impairment. She means more to me than anything else I can think of. I want to be with her to help her through her life." I took a deep breath and prepared to finish off my thoughts to them. "I know that my actions were wrong and I deserve to suffer the consequences for them. I also know that the point of jail time is to reform the prisoner. I am reformed in all ways. It has been a long time since I could hold my head up and say those words, to say that I'm proud of myself. Today I'm proud of myself and in a strange way I'm thankful for that night. Because it brought about the change that I feel needed to better my life, in fact my only regret would be that Jane suffered because of it. I wouldn't change anything else, just that. Thank you." I stepped back to sit as Eleazar stood and hugged me. I embraced him as well; I owed most of my reform to him. I choked up again as this thought crossed my mind. He stepped away and sat back in his chair. I sat back to see what else the board wanted to know.

The panel had a few questions for Eleazar about my therapy and my over all change. They also asked him about my schooling and how likely it was that I would be able to get a job. He relayed several people that were willing to hire me as soon as I was released. To say I was stunned at this info was a huge understatement. I had no idea about any of this. This was another favor that I would never be able to repay him for. After Eleazar was finished they panel asked my parents about my housing with them. They both stood and explained the therapy they had taken after I was sent to jail. Bella's therapy was also mentioned and how Jasper had become a good friend of the family. The love and devotion was evident by the tone of their voices and in the tears that stood on the edge of their eye lids as they spoke.

After my parents spoke and took their seats again, we adjourned to the waiting room to await the panel's decision. I couldn't sit still, my body felt like a live wire that was just looking for a place to discharge its energy. I paced as everyone took their turns at trying to calm my frenetic energy. I appreciated their efforts but only hearing the words would calm me right now.

I heard the chairs scraping the floor inside the room and tensed as I realized it was time. The door swung open and the warden called us back into the room. Several people spoke and I nodded at the appropriate times but I do not remember anything that was said. I could only hope that mom and dad could relay it all back to me later. I do however remember the words, parole granted. The warden spoke again about all the conditions that I would have to follow once I stepped foot outside the main doors. I did remember those a little bit better than what was said previously, these were the rules that would reign over my life. I made certain I knew those inside and out.

And so here I stand one week later and I'm packing up the stuff that I want to take with me. It's not much really, a few books, my pictures of Eavan and anything to do with college studies. All the rest of the stuff I had here could stay here. I had no more use for it. I only wanted to be home with my family.

In the car on the way to my mom and dad's house I prayed that not telling Bella was the right thing to do. I didn't want to leave her out of this important day in my life but I really just wanted to not set her up for disappointment if I was denied parole. I also got it into my head that I now wanted to surprise her with my release, so again I didn't want to tell her beforehand. I prayed that when I stepped into the door that Bella would be happy that I was there. This tops the anxiety that I felt while waiting for the verdict when I went to trial for the arson, it beats the waiting for the parole decision, and it beats everything I have waited for so far. I could only beg and pray that she would be happy to see me.