LTWYL-Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Bella

The last two years of my life have finally taken on some normalcy. I left Family Dollar, and now work for a photography studio. For the most part most of the pictures that I take are of people that come to our set, however every so often I get to take a family and photograph them outside. I try my best to encourage every single person I come across to take the shoot outside; it very rarely happens but I love my job so it is worth it, I get to capture a moment in their lives and preserve it for all of time. There isn't much that means more to me than doing what I love, except for my beautiful baby girl and her daddy. Besides one of the perks of working in a photo studio is getting to use all of the equipment, props and sets to take pictures of Eavan for Edward; he seriously has more pictures than any five families' do of their kids. Of course, he loves every single one and is so grateful that we take him new pictures each and every time we go to visit.

To add to the normalcy, Eavan and I go to see Edward every Tuesday and Saturday. We are fortunate enough to be relatively close to where he is and that makes the schedule so much easier. The Warden has added a new family meeting room that allows us to visit with Edward in a more private family friendly environment. The benefits have been immense, Edward has the opportunity to really get to know Eavan and I find it amazing how much they are alike. Their expressions and mannerisms are so similar even with the minimal amount of contact that they have at this point, it is just natural between them. Edward truly is amazing with her, and she just lights up and makes this strange squeaky noise when she sees him. This is completely his noise; she doesn't do it for anyone else. Just him. I love the two of them together and I can't wait until he gets out and we can take some pictures together.

The last visit with Edward was to celebrate Eavan's second birthday. Because of Edward's good behavior and attitude he was able to get a job while in jail. He makes about three dollars an hour working at the wood shop; he and his fellow inmates make furniture that is then sold to other distributers. It is a small amount but he doesn't really need any money so all that he has made he has managed to save. It makes him feel some sense of pride to see his account grow and grow, besides the fact that he was able to make the most beautiful rocking chair for Eavan for her birthday. She loved it. The Edward I see now is nothing like the Edward I used to live with. They are worlds apart; this Edward is thoughtful, considerate, caring, sympathetic and loving. He was none of those when we lived together. He just wasn't capable of being that person then. Of course I guess he could say the same things about me too so it's fair to say we both have changed.

Both Edward and I had stopped going to therapy for the most part, however with Jasper's help I was able to go to meetings and support groups to talk to many other women who have been abused, and or been involved with drugs. Edward also continues to work with Eleazar to help counsel the new inmates that come in. He is almost through with his schooling and will soon have his degree in Social Work. This is much faster than most but he has plenty of free time on his hands and to be honest he has such a passion for helping others that he is so absorbed in it. I can't blame him; I took to photography the same way.

I dressed Eavan for her check up and made our way to the car. For the first time in my life I had something that was new. It wasn't expensive but it was it was a good car and I didn't have to worry each time I went to crank it. I was proud of myself; not only was I able to get a new car, I was also making enough money to honestly think about moving out on my own for the first time in my life. I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet but it was nice to think about it.

When we arrived at the doctor's office the check up went almost normal, however there were some concerns and I knew that I had to talk to Edward as soon as possible.

I couldn't get home fast enough; I drove as safely as I could with my precious cargo, but much faster than was normal for me. As soon as I walked in the door, I handed Eavan to Esme and placed a desperate call to Eleazar, knowing that this was not something that could wait until our normal phone call times. I had to get in touch with Edward, right the fuck now and I hoped that he would once again take pity on me and let me talk to Edward because I needed him probably more than I have ever needed him in my life; I needed his help, I needed his patience, and I needed his ability to figure things out without panicking about them. Because this was big, really big, I mean we're talking about our daughter's future.

"Hello." Eleazar answers with his soothing voice.

"Eleazar, it's Bella. I know I swore that I would only call you in emergencies and this is one of those emergencies. I have to talk to Edward as soon as possible. Please, it's about Eavan. I saw the doctor today and she's…" I fell apart, this is not what I had expected to hear from her check up. I just didn't expect it and without Edward here to help make it better I just can't process it right now. I needed him.

"Hold on Bella, he's right here. Hold on, I'll get him." I heard Eleazar talking to Edward then I heard Edward's voice penetrate the lines.

"Bella, baby, what's wrong, what's going on with Eavan? Is she hurt?" His words were rushed but his tone was very soothing and calm.

"No, I took her to the doctor today for her check up." It took me a few tries to even get this part out because all my body wanted to do was cry and hiccup. Esme must have handed Eavan off to someone else because she stood beside me rubbing my back. They both waited for me to calm down enough that they could hear what was going on with Eavan, the center of the universe for all of us. "She has some hearing loss. The pediatrician thinks that it might be significant. She didn't respond to anything he did today." I began to cry again. Edward and Esme both murmured to me but I didn't process any of it. I prayed for my daughter. For the first time in my life I prayed with everything I had in my soul, I didn't want this for her. As her mother I didn't want her to struggle at all with anything, I wanted her life to be perfect.

"Bella, what did the doctor suggest that we do? Surely there are some more tests or something that they can do for her." Edward pleaded, he sounded almost as desperate as I did about this. It had to be worse for him since he couldn't hold her and soothe himself with her presence alone.

"He is scheduling an appointment with a specialist for us to run more tests. We will know more then."

Edward and I talked for a little while longer, I explained everything the doctor had said and done this afternoon. He asked plenty of questions and I had to tell him the story once more. I could tell that he kept asking so that he could remember and process the entire event. It was so hard on him when things like this happened and he couldn't be here for it. We found our way around so many obstacles up till this point. When Eavan walked we recorded it and sent it to Eleazar's email so Edward could watch it. We photographed every single moment of every day it seemed like so he always got to see her what her funny faces looked like. We visited him on a regular basis so it settled his need to see her, as much as we could given our situation. But this, there was no way around this. He had to suffer through this all on his own. Just like I would. For once we were even. We would each suffer from our corner of the world and just have to settle with phone calls and visits to help us hold on to each other.

We tried to soothe our nerves as much as possible. We talked about trying to not worry until we saw the specialist and could see what the tests showed. We put on braves faces, so to speak, for each other and by the end of our conversation we both sounded much calmer. I promised to call him on Eleazar's phone if I needed him.

When I had finally calmed down I took Eavan and tried to carry on with her normal routine knowing that it was what she needed most. Each time I interacted with her tears sprang to my eyes, I thought of all the times where I sang to her, talked to her and read to her. It was all for nothing. NOTHING! I wanted to be angry with someone but I just didn't have a person to blame this on, it was just something that happened. I finally put her to bed and grabbed my laptop.

I went back downstairs and talked to Esme, Carlisle, Grans, and Pops. Each of them wanted to know every single detail but we had all agreed to talk after Eavan went to bed. We discussed it in whispered tones not that it mattered anyway. I relayed every single detail to them. Carlisle asking each question over and over again, just worded differently. I was struck how much Edward was like Carlisle in that moment. Each approached this problem in exactly the same manner. A faint smile touched my lips as I thought of the two most important men in my life. Each was valuable in different ways, Carlisle because he showed me the picture of strength, security and gentle undying love and devotion for his family. He showed me all of the things I should have learned from my father; each day he taught me something new that I needed to know to make it through my life and raise our daughter. Edward for the man he has become while he's been away from us. He has turned into the partner of my dreams and I couldn't have been more proud of him. His hard work and perseverance had paid off not only for us but for many to come given his choice for a profession once he got out of jail.

Several days later Esme and I wheeled Eavan into the specialist's office. Anxiety hummed along every single nerve that I had. To be honest this was not the worst that Eavan could have possibly faced in her life. I had to be thankful that she had successfully made it here at all given my history during the early part of my pregnancy, before I knew I was pregnant with her. I heard and saw plenty of children that suffered through much worse illnesses and deformities on TV all day long. You heard about them in the news and magazines. The media loved a good heart tugging story that involved a child that was in pain or suffering in some way. They exploited them. That was one thing that would not ever happen to Eavan, no matter the outcome of today's visit. She would never be handed anything to compensate for her disability. She would work just like everyone else and make something she could be proud of for herself. Edward and I would see to that!

After several tests and a very cranky Eavan, we learned that she had Sensorineural hearing impairment or more commonly called central hearing impairment. There are several kinds and Eavan's involves the eighth cranial nerve or the vestibulocochlear nerve. The doctor went on to explain that this nerve ran to the auditory portions of the brain. In the rarest of these cases of hearing loss, only the auditory centers of the brain are affected. In Eavan's situation, sounds may be heard at normal thresholds, but the quality of the sound perceived is so poor that speech just can't be understood. This would explain why she responded to sounds throughout her life, she just would not be able to respond to speech. She wouldn't be able to understand it basically. We were put in touch with a speech therapist who will help us learn to cope with Eavan's hearing loss as well as teach us sign language to communicate with her. We also started her on a regimen of Vitamin A, C and E along with Magnesium to help prevent any further hearing loss.

Edward was fortunately able to listen in when we talked to the doctor from Eleazar's phone and was able to ask a few questions that I hadn't thought of. His first involved the exact cause of this type of hearing loss. The doctor assured us that while it is not exactly common it is a known impairment and is not caused by any specific action or lack of action. In other words nothing Edward or I had done had caused this type of hearing loss. It is simply a malfunction of this particular nerve.

I asked several questions that were rolling around in my mind as well. I wanted to know why this was not picked up in the hearing test that was performed on her at birth. I also wanted to know why this wasn't more apparent to us before now. I mean really what kind of parent am I that I didn't know that my child was almost completely deaf? The guilt flooded my brain again, this time for not knowing my child needed help. Maybe I wasn't such a good parent after all.

The doctor listened to my questions patiently, then sat the chart on the desk and took his glasses off. "Ms. Swan, I hear these questions all the time and believe me they are so common. What it boils down to is that Eavan can hear noise, she hears a loud pot bang and she turns to the sound. She gives the impression that she can hear because she can, and at this young age she doesn't talk to you which is not uncommon, so that is not there to let you know that she needed your attention in this matter. That is the same reason that she passed the hearing test at birth. She heard the tone that they played for her. It is speech that she can't hear or process, the tones that are used when talking is where she is affected. So to answer both of your questions at one time, it is because she can hear sounds not speech. You had no indicators yet about speech because she is not at the age where coherent speech happens. You did nothing wrong and she has not suffered because you weren't superwoman and didn't have some superpower that would tell you she had this abnormality. This guilt you feel is part of being a parent but it is unfounded. You did nothing wrong, it just is how Eavan is made up. I promise." He patted my leg and closed up her chart. We packed Eavan up and made our way home.

Edward was scheduled to call us later that evening so we hung up with him and waited till our regular time to talk about this further. To be honest at that moment our brains were on overload, and we simply could not process any more information.

Eavan more than happily went down for a nap when we got home and I called the Sign Language specialist, Makenna, to schedule an appointment with her. We talked for a long time about the situation and she assured me that Eavan could and would live a full normal, happy life. She would learn to function without any significant problems through sign language. Makenna assured me that in fact it was the perfect time to teach her as their brains comprehends so much better while they are small then when they are several years older. I felt much better after talking with her and was glad that I had some new information to give Edward when he called me. When I went to get Eavan after her nap I forced myself to talk to her and react with her in exactly the same way I did before we found out about the hearing loss. Makenna assured me it would help to have things remain as normal as possible. We should act as if this is something every person alive goes through and that will help her adjust more readily.

I pulled out my laptop and googled every single buzz word I could remember the doctor said today. I found all kinds of info, too much information in fact. It hurt my brain to concentrate on all of this today. Just as I closed the laptop I saw a link for a school right here in Philly that was specifically for students with hearing impairments. I jotted down the number to contact them tomorrow. If we could get Eavan started in this school right away it might make her life easier.

I couldn't wait for Edward to call, it was safe to say that at this point in time we just needed to feel connected in some way. It killed me that as helpless as I felt, I'm certain Edward felt that amount tenfold. When the phone finally rang, I almost fell off of the bed as I tried to get to it. Esme and Carlisle never even bothered to answer it. I guess they knew it was useless, we wouldn't be happy until we talked about this with each other.

"Hello." I breathlessly panted.

"Bella, you okay?" Edward's voice sounded concerned but on a deeper level it sounded broken.

"I just rushed to get to the phone." I chuckled. "I guess I was just in a rush to talk to you." I expected a laugh from him but it never arrived.

"I don't know what to do here. I pace and think, trying to figure things out, what to do but… I just can't come up with anything I can do. I feel so fucking helpless here, Bella." I heard him pace as he spoke and probably had already ran his hands through his hair a million times.

"At this point, Edward, there's nothing either of us can do. We just have to wait to see the therapist says to do and where to start. I'm flying blind here just like you are." I tried to soothe him and make him understand that this defeat would be something he felt if he were here, free like the rest of us. "One thing I've learned with Eavan is when something happens to her that is out of your control, you feel that helpless feeling. It's not the distance or the bars that make you feel that Edward. I can hold her, I can soothe her and I still feel that helplessness." I heard his intake of breath and assumed that he was probably smoking one of the few cigarettes he allowed himself for the day. "Don't allow the guilt to creep in here, we'll get through this together." Tears pricked my eyes. I needed his strength to help me through this. I could take the shit that came at me and him, but not Eavan. I wanted her life to be perfect and I needed help to deal with this for her.

"I know, baby, I'm sorry. How are you holding up? How is Eavan?" Tears began to flow from my eyes as he spoke.

"She's fine, she doesn't act any different but somehow now that I know I see the signs so much better. I see everything they told us today, now. Why couldn't I see that shit before?" The anger and frustration got the best of me so I left the room where my sweet baby girl slept. I made my way down the stairs and out onto the front porch. A few seconds after I shut the door Esme opened it and peeked out at me.

"I got the monitor, you take your time. Tell Edward we love him." I nodded and she shut the door on me again.

Edward sat silent while I tried to work through all of the bullshit in my head. I wanted answers, I needed to know how to fix this. I searched my head to find a way to blame myself. I felt like if I blamed myself then I could make it all better, like that was the magic clue to work it all out.

"Fuck!" I shouted as loud as I felt comfortable at this time of the night on the porch for all of Carlisle and Esme's neighbors to hear me.

"Hey." Edward called to me. His voice a soft call to my rough expletive. "I checked around today and found some info, actually there is a lot of good stuff on this out there. I read it over and found out some stuff to check into. She may be able to get a cochlear implant that will allow her to hear like normal, so don't get so down about it. This may just be a bump in the road for her, okay?" His soft, sweet voice totally sucked me into the world where we pretend that she would be fine without any trouble because she was almost totally deaf. I joined him gladly and pretended so that I didn't lose my mind over this.

"I got a call from the speech pathologist and they want us to come in on Thursday. I talked to her, her name is Carmen. She sounds amazing, I think she can really help us. I hope so anyway." Doubt crept back in again for a few seconds before I closed the door and locked it tight. "I did find some info on a school for the deaf here in Philly. I'll talk with Carmen about it and see what we need to do. One of the suggestions by the doctor was to start her on some sort of program right away, he said they seem to learn faster at this age than any other." I realized that I rambled on and on. I had barely taken a breath between each sentence. "She'll be fine, right?" I whispered.

"Of course she will, she is half you and half me, there's no way she can't be fine with those genes." The chuckle that escaped was more of a sob combined with a wail but Edward laughed so I pretended that the same came from me. "Good news though, I can take sign language as an online course so I can learn right along with you guys. Isn't that great?"

"Good because I was worried about how you would be able to communicate with her." I wanted to provide more but I just couldn't. It seemed stupid for something this minor in grand scheme of things to get me down but it is. I guess because it's not me or Edward, its Eavan and that takes it to a whole other level. Edward still talked about the online sign language class when I interrupted him.

"We're strong we can take this shit, we have rolled with plenty of punches but she can't! She's little, she doesn't deserve this Edward. Why?" So many times I wished to have Edward's arms around me but never more than tonight. What I wouldn't give to have him with me hold me and Eavan, to keep us safe. I cried and Edward whispered to me. He provided the comfort that I needed, not exactly in the form I wanted but still provided it in the manner he could. I loved him for that all the more. "I'm sorry that I'm having such a hard time with this. I'm usually so much stronger than this." I whimpered.

"We all reach our breaking points, Bella, all of us." His voice laid truth to his words.

"Tell me."

"It was about six months ago. I lost my hope, I lost everything, no matter how much I talked to you the defeat and depression set in. I got mad, I placed blame and most of the time it wasn't on me. Eleazar recognized the signs and kicked my ass until I saw all of the good things I had to offer and he didn't let me focus on the bad things. We talked about the things we could do to change things and focused on those until the changes started to happen. If we stop to worry about all the things that could go wrong then we will not spend any time on what could go right. Making it go right!" The strength and wisdom of his words hit home and I wiped the tears away.

"You're right, let's decide what we need to do for her and stop crying about what went wrong. Okay, so tell me again about your online course." I set my resolve and listened to him talk.

When I walked into Carmen's office I expected some stuffy doctor's office but she had a playroom. Well, she had an office too but we didn't stay in there, we went to the playroom and she watched Eavan play while we talked. She laid out her plans for us and gave me plenty of material to read over. Things to work on, things to learn about, things to do, things…things…things! She loved her job and you could see the care for the kids on her face. I loved her instantly and knew that Eavan would as well.

I was able to ask about the school and she informed me that there were programs for children as young as Eavan. We talked about insurance and how I could pay for one of these programs, we talked about our next steps and how to proceed. Carmen was able to give me some web sites that I hadn't found and we played with Eavan. She showed us both a few basic signs to use for common items. Eavan picked them up really quickly and used them later when Carmen asked her, so today looked like a success to me. I headed home to tell Edward about the progress we made today. He was right after all, we had to focus on the future and how to get Eavan through this.

Four months into Eavan's therapy with Carmen we had as many answers about her hearing loss as we would have given her young age and we were able to develop a routine that worked for all of us. We attended Carmen's playgroup to make sure she interacts with other kids her age and wouldn't shrink back into herself. It also gave her a chance to use her new sign words that she picked up at lightning speed. Carmen's assessments showed us that Eavan was intelligent for her age and we all agreed that she seemed to be coping with her differences well.

In fact everyone seemed to be able to pick up the sign language easily. Edward had the biggest vocabulary so far, a fact that he seemed to rub in our faces as often as he could. Carlisle seemed to be the one that remembered to speak as well as sign to Eavan. An important fact for several reasons, first if we wanted Eavan to learn to read lips then we needed to show her what our lips looked like while we signed the words so she could make the correlations between the two. As well as the facial signs that a person gives off when they speak that help the person who is deaf learn to read those to put together a complete 'speaking' experience just like a person that can hear.

Edward and I tried to communicate through sign language at our visits and enjoyed when Eavan participated with us. Carmen assured us that she would take to it like a duck in water and Carmen was right. Most hearing children at her age spoke anywhere from twenty to thirty words and were able to make simple sentences but Eavan could sign about twice that many words and could sign complex sentences to communicate with her father and me. Edward had completed three ASL courses and I had finished two, myself. We wanted to be able to teach her and make sure we didn't hold her back at all.

Carmen was encouraged enough by her progress that she not only encouraged us to take her to the Philadelphia School for the Deaf but she wrote us a glowing recommendation as well as found the scholarship for Eavan to attend.

With Eavan attending a school across town I knew it was time for us to move. Out on our own for the first time. I was so damn happy for what this meant for Eavan, but I have to admit that I was scared to death as to what it meant for me, on my own. That was something that I had never been, on my own. I always had someone else to fall back on and this time I had to be the adult, the grown up one that had to hold it together. Looking at my daughter though I knew that I was ready to try it, to stand on my own two feet and make things happen for Eavan and myself.