LTWYL- Chapter 11

(Flashbacks are in italics)

Chapter 11

Bella

As I sat and rocked Eavan back to sleep after she woke to eat, I couldn't help thinking that in just a few hours I would put her in her car seat and drive her to see her Daddy for the very first time. I gazed at my daughter and I could see how much she she'd grown and how much she had changed in her 3 short months in this world; but I worried that Edward would not. I worried that seeing her would make him realize all that he was missing out and that it would bring back all the pain again, bring back all the ways he had fucked up and why he was there and not here with us! I just hoped that he turned that into a positive and made him want to be better, for her, for us.

I thought back to the conversation that Carlisle and I had shared the other night.

He had slipped out onto the porch and quietly sat down on the swing beside me. I knew him well enough by now to know that he wanted to talk. I also knew he was like Edward in that he needed time to open up and get to what he wants to say. So I just sat and waited for him to talk to me.

He took a deep breath and began to speak. "So you take Eavan to see Edward in a couple of two days." He let his sentence drop between us and I didn't understand if it was a question or a statement.

"Yeah." I pulled my foot up onto the seat and hugged my knee.

"How do you think he is going to be with that?" Carlisle scratched the back of his neck and turned his head to look at me. His eyes full of fear.

"I, I don't know." I wanted to look away, anywhere else but into Carlisle's eyes. His fear was leaking out and causing mine to leap to the surface. I worried now that this was a terrible idea. I mean he could talk to her over the phone, he already had. Surely that would be enough for now. I just didn't want anything to kill all of the progress he'd made. "I was sitting here thinking of the same thing. I don't know how he will react." I ran a hand through my hair. "I mean on one hand it could boost his confidence and make him see his reason for carrying on but on the other it could make him feel like shit. I just don't want to be the cause of him having a setback." I blew out the breath I was holding in.

"Well, Bella, there is one thing I've learned as a person and a parent. You just have to do the best you can and let the other person make their decision. Edward is going take it however he takes it and that is not your fault! He has to make his own decisions, you can't make them for him." He patted my leg.

"I know. I just want the best for him."

"We know that and we love you all the more for that fact. And maybe it's because we see your progress every day and we don't with Edward, but he is going to have to face something that is hard. This is a hurdle he needs to face. Don't underestimate him, Bella. He is strong enough to do this. You just have faith and stay strong for him." Carlisle patted my leg again and stood up from the swing.

Lying Eavan back in her crib, I realized that Carlisle was right and there was no way of knowing how Edward would do if he never faced something hard, that it was a bridge we would cross tomorrow; and truth be told besides I was super excited to see him with Eavan. I couldn't wait to see him hold his daughter for the first time. I wanted him to experience her as a baby and to be able to kiss her and tell her that he loves her, face to face; he deserves that much, and more.

The next morning when I woke up, I rushed through getting myself ready. I chose the right outfit and made sure that my hair and makeup were perfect. I stood back and looked at myself in the mirror. I marveled at how much everything had changed in the last ten and a half months. Edward burned down our house, and went to jail, I discovered I was pregnant and alone, Edward and I repaired our relationship and Eavan was born. I shook my head at the things that before would've broken me and now I stood and met them head on. As I drove to the prison I thought back to the visit with Edward where we talked more in details about his cheating and how it made me feel.

I had known going into that visit that I wanted to talk with him about his cheating. I had even called Eleazar so that he would meet me there and we could talk about it with his help. Jasper and I had talked about nothing else for the two weeks after Edward told me with his own mouth that he had cheated on me. I held the pain and confusion in while I was with him. I wanted him to feel safe to be honest with me and I knew that if I blew up then he would remember the reaction and not feel comfortable telling me the truth again, and that would accomplish nothing for us so as hard as it was, I held it in. I had tried to pretend that he was not talking about us, I felt like it would help if I acted like he spoke about strangers and looked at it from an outsiders point of view.

Jasper really helped me understand and come to terms with things, I had called him when I had gotten home and was alone. He realized how much I would need to talk to someone face to face so after some reluctance I gave in and let him come and get me. He had taken me back to their apartment and Alice made dinner. We ate in silence and then sat on the couch together. Alice on my right holding my hand, Jasper sat across from us. He said he liked to be able to see my reactions as well as my words. He approached the conversation as my friend, not my therapist, he didn't get out his pen or his pad, we just talked.

"Bella, how did it go?" Alice began to draw soothing circles on the back of my hand when I tensed at Jasper's words.

"Well, he did admit to it, and I guess I'm feeling a little stupid for being upset because deep down inside I always knew he had, but hearing the words, made it seem so real, and I don't understand how just hearing something could do this to me." I waved a hand around my trembling body. The emotions were now too great to bottle up inside any longer.

"Bella, sweetie, just because you felt like you knew doesn't make the words any easier to hear. This is a big deal between you both. You felt like he was the one that you could trust and to hear that he betrayed that trust is hurtful to anyone, not just you. This is a normal reaction, stop second guessing yourself and questioning what you are or are not allowed to feel." Jasper sat forward and leaned his arms on his knees. I knew he was dying to hold my hand, he always held my hand when we talked about something that he knew would upset me. It was nice to feel that kind of brotherly connection to someone, not that I knew for sure what that would feel like but when Jasper comforted me in that way, it was how I thought it would feel if I really did have a big brother.

"I know, really I do, but it is just hard because I think back to my mother and the craziness that was her life, and some of the things that she used to say to me and I wonder if I really feel this way and if it is normal to feel this way or if I'm just giving in to the craziness that she lived. She used to tell me things like 'Just wait I was fine at your age too, but when you get to my then you will get sucked into the insane life I live as well!' I always question if the situation is really crazy or if I am in fact getting sucked into her insanity and will end up nuts like her. I just…I can't trust myself sometimes." I could see the tears running down Alice's face. She didn't attempt to wipe them away and I didn't attempt to curb mine! For once I felt like it was okay to show what I felt, they made me feel safe to show what I felt. I was so damn thankful for Alice and Jasper.

"The situation with Edward hurts so much, I mean I know that we were both stoned out of our minds and while that is no excuse, I do think that plays a large part of why things happened the way they did. I know that I was guilty too, I mean, hell, I flirted with every single guy around. I just wanted to feel something, to know that even if it was just for that second someone else found me worthy of his time. I felt that with Edward off and on but, I guess deep down inside I never thought I was good enough for him and knew that I should find someone else to take his place so when he realized that I was damaged and tossed me aside then I would have a fall back plan." I stood and began to pace, the emotions were too much to contain by sitting still any longer. Alice and Jasper watched me move around like they were at Wimbledon. "Then I would feel like shit because that is exactly what my mom did. So, I was fucking caught! I was trapped without a plan. That shit scared me to death, so each time I would hear that he cheated on me I would feel like shit, knowing that the end was coming and I would be alone again. Without anyone!" I waved my hands and felt the anger and resentment rising, for both Edward and my mom. "Edward was the one, the only one I couldn't take losing and yet at the same time I was preparing to lose him. I guess I may have already slipped across that line of insanity." I threw my hands in the air and then into my hair. Jasper flew to my side and held me against him, Alice rushed to our sides as well and sandwiched me between them. I heaved sobs against Jasper's chest. When I finally calmed down we moved as one unit to the couch again.

"Bella, that is self preservation. Pure and simple. You're angry with Edward but most of your anger lies with your mom. Unfortunately that is a situation that you and I are going to have to work on alone since she can't come and talk this over with us. But I think in the meantime we need to talk about your feelings with this incident, with his cheating, okay?" I nodded at him.

"I guess I feel hurt, I mean I do, I feel hurt that he would do that to me. I know he has issues to work out and so do I. I see how my issues clouded my judgment so I can see how his might do the same and when you mix in all the drugs." I could see Jasper's face turning to interrupt me so I rushed forward to clarify what I meant. "Not that this excuses anything at all, it doesn't but it makes me a little more understanding about things. We both were pretty fucked up. I guess I just need to know how he feels about cheating now, now that his head is clear, now that the excuses are gone. I need to know that if we decide that we will be together then we are together, no one else!"

"Those are reasonable demands; I think you should sit down with Edward and Eleazar and talk about those things. Allow him to lead and guide you two into talking about things so that you can have some intelligent conversation about it instead of placing blame and accusing, sound good?"

I walked into the jail with Eavan in tow ready to accomplish two things, first she needed to meet her daddy, and second I needed my answers. As far as I was concerned all the other issues were solved to the point that I was happy with them, this one thing stood between us.

Eleazar met me in the private room, after I signed in. He fawned over Eavan and we talked about life in general. I heard the door open and click closed again, I couldn't even make myself look at him. I was just too damn scared.

Two things happened at once, Eleazar stepped back and gave us room and Edward stepped directly behind me. He was so close that I could feel the heat of his body transferring to mine. He stood still for so long, it scared me. I slowly turned towards him and was stunned into silence. He stood, stone still, staring down at Eavan with the biggest smile on his face but I could see the tears that streamed down as well. Edward must have felt my gaze because he turned his head to face me. "Bella, she is beyond beautiful…I can't…I don't even know what to say." He ran a hand through his hair and pulled me against him. I saw Eleazar motion towards the door and realized that a guard had remained in the room with us, his movement towards us halted by Eleazar. I wrapped my arms around Edward and smiled as large as I could without cracking my face. I wanted all parties to know how happy this day was for me.,

"She looks so much like you. Everyday I'm more thankful for that, I get to see you in her." I murmured against his chest.

He leaned back and glanced at Eavan again, she was pulling her toes into her mouth and spitting bubbles all over her face. We both laughed at her and Eleazar stepped close again, sensing the intimacy was over between us.

"Do you want to hold her?" I asked. Edward blanched and I almost laughed at him, seriously laughed out loud. He looked so damn scared.

"I don't know how, I've never been around babies." He whispered, this time Eleazar did laugh at him.

"No worries man, it's simple. Just remember to hold their head, when you let their heads go their momma's freak out and shi…stuff." He slapped Edward on the back as I unbuckled Eavan. She didn't like it when I pulled her feet out of her mouth and began to fuss and blow even bigger bubbles at me.

Edward dropped into the chair as I handed her to him. I placed his hands across her tiny body and showed him how to hold her so that they could see each other. Eavan was quite taken with her daddy; she showed him every single trick in her book. He laughed, cooed and tickled her at every opportunity. He asked lots of questions as well. He wanted to know every single detail of her life, and commented on many of the pictures that I had sent to him. I felt embarrassed about the number of pictures but hey, I'm a photography student, I couldn't help taking pictures of our daughter. Edward assured me that he loved every single one;, he kept them taped up across the walls beside his bunk. He saw her and I every day first thing when he woke up and the last thing before he fell asleep.

Eavan began to fuss and Edward handed her back to me, very reluctantly. I placed her in her car seat to change her diaper. "I think she's hungry, I'm sorry I tried to feed her before we left but she wouldn't have any of that. She usually eats now and then naps for about two hours." Edward glanced around the room and shifted in his seat. He knew full well that I breast fed her and I guess he was uncomfortable with that happening here in this room with Eleazar and the guard both being so close, and maybe a little uncomfortable with it happening here in this room with him here. I had no idea but I had planned for this. I snapped up Eavan's dress and took her out of her seat. I handed her back to Edward but placed her so that she faced away from him this time. I pulled a bottle out of her bag and he visibly relaxed.

"Here you feed your daughter." I handed him the bottle and tucked the burp cloth under her chin. I guided his hand when he seemed reluctant and showed him how to hold her so that she didn't choke on the bottle. Eavan took hold of her bottle with one hand and grabbed her daddy's finger with her other hand. I tried to blink back my tears and noticed that Edward did as well. His face stayed glued to her, every single move she made he saw. He was enamored; there was no other word for it.

When it was time to burp her, he held her up to his face and kissed her so gently on her sweet little cheek and placed her back on his shoulder. His large hand looked so out of place on her tiny body but at the same time he seemed exactly at home there.

We began to talk while we waited for the burp, after a few minutes we noticed that it would not be making it presence this time. She had fallen asleep right on Edward's shoulder. He leaned back and began to pat her back softer, I could barely make out his humming to her it was so soft. He was in heaven just holding her. It made the longing for him to be out with us for good that much stronger.

Eleazar broke the silence. "Bella and I have talked. She has a few things she would like to talk about today, if that's okay with you?" Edward nodded but continued to hum to Eavan.

"I can hold her still, right?" He looked at me. I nodded at him, how could I say no to his simple yet beautiful request.

"Bella, go ahead." Eleazar motioned towards me.

"I wanted to talk about the cheating." I began to nibble on my finger nail. Now, I wished that I was holding Eavan; it would at least give me something to do with my hands. Then I remembered what Jasper and Alice had been telling me all along, I deserved some answers and if we were to continue to make any progress then he had to tell me. So I sat up and looked him straight in the eyes.

I saw a change in him, almost like he saw the change in me and rose to the challenge as well. It was like he became determined to match my focus on working on us and I loved him all that much more for it.

"I don't know what you want me to say. I mean I know I fucked, I mean I messed up by doing it." He glanced down to see that Eavan was still asleep. "I know it will be so hard for you to trust me again but believe me when I say after all this time of not knowing if I did too much damage for us to be able to repair it, I will never do anything that will ever put me in this place again. Never!" His hand began to nervously pat Eavan again. "I now know what it is like to live without you, without her." He gestured to Eavan. "I can't do that again, I'm not saying I won't screw up because I'm human, and not perfect so we both know that I will but I will never be unfaithful to you again. I swear to it."

"Can you tell me what was going through your mind when it happened?" I asked him. Maybe if I could understand then I could help prevent it.

"I chose the one person that I hated, the one person that I could punish myself with. Actually, I didn't hate Lauren per say, I just hated the people that she represented...the ones that use anyone they can and move on when they're done. I chose her to cheat with because I was actually punishing myself. I was so full of self-loathing back then, I hated myself because I screwed up all the opportunities that I had been given. I wanted to blame it on someone else so I used Lauren to do that, and in the process I turned into one of those people that I hated. It is a big old circle of hatred and pain. Now, thankfully, I see how to pull myself out of it and hopefully make things better." Edward stilled when Eavan shifted in her sleep but relaxed when she settled right back down. "The drugs didn't help either. It was a lethal combination, me, my hate, and the drugs. It was a viscous cycle of one feeding the other and I didn't know how to stop it." Edward looked up from Eavan and focused on me, his eyes desperate and pleading. "All of that has changed Bella. All of it! Please tell me that it isn't too late." He leaned back in the chair again. Defeat and hope showed on his face all at the same time.

"I don't think its too late, I want us to work, and I want to trust you, I just don't…know how yet." I wanted to say that yes I can trust him without any other reservations but I just couldn't yet. "I see the changes and they are great but it will just take some time for my mind to really trust you again. To see that the changes aren't just while you are here, but that you will continue to change and be the man that I see here when you are out, you know?" I bit on my fingernail again, the words I knew were the truth and needed to be said but they sounded so wrong, even as I said them.

Edward leaned towards me then realized he still held a sleeping Eavan so he sat back up. "Bella, that's just it, I want us to take time, I want this to go slow. We need to get to know each other again, we've both changed so much and let's face it we didn't exactly spend much time on this the last go round, now did we?" He chuckled as he shook his head. "I don't regret the way we instantly connected at all, but we focused on the physical relationship not getting to really know each other, at all. We need to focus on that side now, now that we are clear headed and can focus." I watched Eleazar's eyes and they screamed pride, Edward had obviously listened to him and really wanted to work on us. "Passion comes and goes, Bella, but the friendship that lasts. Actually having each other's back in the rough times that is something that comes with time. We have to repair the damage we have done and then build a friendship before we can ever have more." Edward shifted Eavan in his arms and leaned forward closer to me. "But I promise you this, Bella, I promise that I will work harder than I ever have to make this right. You, her and me. We will be together again as a family, I will see to that, I promise." He kissed me on the forehead and sat back, the fierce determination was clearly written in his eyes.

I saw the answers in his eyes, he fucked up -big time- but he was willing to make it right again with us. He was willing to get to know me and begin a real relationship. He was willing and so was I. Isn't that what love is about, forgiveness? I mean I know he did so much shit that was way over the line but I did quite a bit myself. I know that I never deserved to be hit or cheated on and I am in no way saying that either of those actions were my fault, but we were different people back then. We were fucked up in so many ways, we have changed, grown, matured, improved and I think that with that in mind I do owe him a chance to prove that he is different. I know after therapy that I'm different, so I'm hoping his therapy has made just as big of a difference in him as well. It seems like it has over the phone calls and through letters. So I nodded my head at him. His eyes relaxed and dissolved into the happy Edward that I had only seen a few times, all of which were after he was locked up. After his change.

Eleazar sensed that we had reached a point in our conversation where we needed to move on to something not so serious. He started giving Edward dad advice and it made Edward laugh so hard that he woke up Eavan. She cried for a few minutes then settled down when Edward put her against his chest, and sang to her. We talked about me and how school was going. He also mentioned that he had enrolled in an online school to take a few classes. He was actually going to follow through with his psychology courses. I couldn't have been more proud of him.

Eleazar took some pictures of Edward with Eavan and me before we had to leave. He emailed them to me so I could have them printed off and mailed back to Edward. I was thrilled I wanted some for myself as well.

Edward tried his hardest not to tear up when we left, and I promised to bring her to see him as often as I could. I cried when I got back in the car to leave, I felt so empty without him. The good thing was that I knew I loved him and was ready to forgive him but I also knew that I was now strong enough to walk away if he goes back to the way he used to be. He helped me to achieve both of those things, so now the ball was in his court. He could make us or break us.