FIM-Chapter 3

Chapter 3- Bella

I remember the day well. I packed and threw out stuff. I loaded my suitcases on a conveyer belt and watched it disappear. The overhead speaker couldn’t call me fast enough to tell me that it was time to load on the plane. My body tingled with the extreme surrealness that I felt. I knew in my heart that I done the right thing. At least I think I did.

I had turned my back on all that I knew.

I broke up with Edward.

I left my home.

I left my father.

For a new town and big time college dreams.

I thought I had it all planned out. I saw the movies, read the books and heard the stories. I thought I knew what would happen. I was ready. College would be my time of discovery. I would find out who I was and what I wanted out of life. Surely more waited for me at college. There just had to be…more.

Don’t get me wrong, Forks was great. I had a good time, I had good friends and I had a good boyfriend. It was just good though. I wanted more. You can’t blame me, everyone in the small town of Forks knew that there was more out there, somewhere. They just had to find out where it is and grab it when they came across it.

When I arrived at the main door of my building there were several girls that burst through the door then spilled outside onto the grass that surrounded. I sat in the cab and watched the fun for a few seconds. I made up my mind right then and there that I would be the person I left Forks to be. I would be out going, fun, flirty, in other words all the things I was not normally.

It worked.

I made friends, I had dates and eventually settled down with Jacob. He was from La Push, right down the road from Forks. That was why I originally said yes to his invitation for a date. After a few dates I realized that I chose him because he was the person that I wanted to be. He was loved by everyone, he was kind, caring and out-going. Our relationship was so easy.

Jake did his thing and I did mine. If we ended up seeing each other that day then fine but if not then we didn’t. There was never any pressure. We concentrated on our studies and we both did well. The first year we were at school I took Jake home to meet my dad and then we drove down the road and I met Billy, Jake’s dad.

To say our families were happy was an understatement. We all were happy. I felt like I made the right choice to leave Edward in order to find all of this. It was safe to say that without that one single decision I would not have ended up here.

Eventually Jacob and I moved in together. Jake fast tracked and was ready to graduate, while I still had a year left. He was offered several jobs and took the one that offered the largest salary. He went to work every day and I went to school. We lived and enjoyed our life. It felt so casual and easy. So many of my friends marveled at the perfectness of it. They longed for what we had but I didn’t know how to tell them to achieve it. Somehow or another it just happened for us.

Jacob and I had talked about marriage but both of us were reluctant to change what we had. We didn’t want a piece of paper to dictate us. We knew what we were and that was good enough for us. Since Jacob and I both only had our dad’s in our lives it was easy for us to avoid the topic of marriage. My dad was happy with the way Jake took care of me, provided for me and his dad was happy that we were in love with each other. So marriage never seemed that big of a deal to either of us.

Then three things happened in my life within quick succession of each other that changed my mind. First my mother died. She lay down to sleep one night and never woke up. Eventually they were able to tell us that she had a brain aneurysm that ruptured. She went immediately and never felt pain. I was thankful to hear that she never suffered but I wasn’t ready to let her go. I’m sure that most people were never ready to lose their mother, no matter what age it happens. I certainly wasn’t. I was struck by the finality of it all when she died. I had hoped that one day, no matter how crazy the idea was, that my parents would realize that they were wrong all those years ago and get back together. That was the stuff that Disney fairy tales were made of but it never stopped the idea from residing in my mind.

My mother left my father when I was a baby. We moved across the country to Phoenix. The older I got the more I felt like I became the mother and the more she became the child. She tended to wander from hobby to hobby, while she taught elementary school for her paycheck. She even stuck with the small kids because she was too wild and crazy for the older ones. Eventually I paid the bills, cooked, and cleaned the house.

Each time I think about my childhood, I see why I needed to have my ‘more’ now because from the time I was ten or so I was an adult. I guess I just wanted to be wild and carefree for while.

You would think that with my background I would hate my mom, or even mildly disliked her. The exact opposite was the truth. She was my voice of emotion while my dad was my voice of reason. My mom could be counted on to tell me the wild and crazy option to take. She was a live for the moment kinda girl and she tried her best to get me to live that way as well. I had to admit that she didn’t get her way that often. I was too died in the wool grown up that I couldn’t ever allow myself to let loose and have fun. She was also my staunchest supporter. She believed in me and gave a pep talk that would have the weakest person ready to believe that they could take on the world alone, and win. She never failed to encourage and lift me up.

With her gone a large part of me was missing. I talked to her all the time and ran most of my decisions by her. I missed her more than words could express. Jake tried to understand and help me cope. He sort of understood because he also lost his mom at a young age. I say he understood and he sort of did but not completely. He was so young when his mom died that he had not been able to develop his relationship with her and he is a guy. So there is always a difference.

Her death shook me to my core. I was able to carry on day to day but something just seemed off. I felt off kilter. Like my life has twisted in some unidentifiable way. I could never put my finger on it but it was just wrong.

Then I was almost run down by a car. I shopped for the groceries for the whole month, so it always took me awhile to get it all picked out and paid for. I was usually starved by the time they were all loaded up in my car. So, I locked the doors with my groceries safely inside and walked across the street to grab a sandwich. I ordered a club on whole wheat and a lemonade.

While I ate I read through my emails and a text from Jacob that reminded me about his afternoon meeting so he would be home later than usual. I decided that since he would be late I would shop for a little while longer. I grabbed a new dress for his office party and a few things for the apartment. Then I headed back to my car.

As I crossed the street, within the confines of the cross walk and with the light, I felt my phone buzz. I pulled it out of my pocket to check it. As I did the driver of the car did exactly the same. Unfortunately he didn’t see me in the crosswalk or his red light. He ran right through it and at the last moment a man that crossed from the other direction, pulled me out of the way. I broke my ankle and my wrist, and the gentleman that pulled me out of the way broke his arm.

The driver of the car was stopped three lights down and given a ticket.

There was no real harm done but it scared the living shit out of me all the same. I started to evaluate my life again. I paid attention to everything now, every decision, every action that Jake or I made each day. I started to write in my journal, everything thing that I used to tell my mom I now wrote down.

Each Friday night, Jake’s poker night, I would take a glass of wine and re-read my journal. I realized that what I thought was living really just amounted to hiding out. I had played it safe all this time. My mind whirled with the ways that I could make this right. What I should do? I didn’t want to hurt Jacob. I just wanted a life that would fulfill me. I felt like a big old failure. I mean I did this exact thing five years ago in order to find myself and yet here I was again, with the same plan in place to do the same thing all over again. I worried that I wouldn’t actually ever achieve what I set out for. I mean really here I was five years later, and no closer. I cried myself to sleep that night. When Jake came in I blamed it on missing my mom. He held me while I cried some more until I fell asleep exhausted.

The next morning I knew I had to make a decision and fast. I took my basket and headed to the Farmer’s Market. I prayed that I would be able to think things through and have an answer by the time I came home. Unfortunately, I hadn’t found my brilliant answer by the time that the sun was due to set and the market was officially closed, so I headed home anyway.

Jacob was on the phone when I arrived. I closed the door and made my way to the kitchen to start dinner. I heard several words that caused my heart to skip a beat but I didn’t wander into the living room to hear more. I waited for Jacob to come to me. It was his news and he should be able to share it, I also wanted to see how his face reacted to the news and I wouldn’t get that while he was on the phone. So I cooked and waited.

The food was all plated as I sat at the table and drank several glasses of wine. Probably not the best idea, but the wine settled my nerves. So many scenarios played out as to the news that Jacob would walk in and reveal. I worked each idea through and tried to come up with my line in the sand. The one thing that would make me walk away from him. I could feel the soft edges of a buzz from the wine as Jacob called out for me.

“Baby, you cooked, I’m so sorry I took so long. I swear if it wasn’t important then I would have asked them to wait until tomorrow. I hope you understand.” Jacob pulled my hand and placed a small kiss along my knuckles. “Come on, let’s eat, I have a lot to tell you.”

I warmed our plates and sat down to hear what Jacob had to say. I still felt slightly sick over my epiphany last night so to hear that he may have big news only made the feeling double up until it threatened to boil over.

After a few bites, Jacob began to talk. “Well you know that we have tried to get this large account for our firm, Peterson Electronics, well, they called this afternoon and wanted to talk. Paul came to an agreement with them and we signed a contract, today. So, in order to handle this account,” Jacob took a deep breath and time seemed to stand still as I waited to hear his next words. I’m not sure that any words had ever held more importance to me than these that I waited upon. “Paul wanted to send me and Seth to California to work directly with Peterson.” He left the sentence to hang in the air between us.

I had no idea how to react.

Part of me wanted to think that this was my opportunity to have a fresh start but then again, what if this was one of those terrible decisions that I made and then regretted. I mean look at how well the choice to leave Edward had turned out. So I also waited.

“Paul has agreed to pay for all of our expenses to move to California as well as pay our rent here until we could get out of our lease.” I pushed my food around on my plate and refused to look up at Jake as he spoke. “It’s also a large salary increase, Bella.” I looked up at those words and knew that he wanted this job. He wanted it badly. Jacob must have seen the hesitation in my eyes because he began to almost…beg for me to understand why he had to take this opportunity. “Bella, I know this is big but I’ll make partner with this change. I’ll be a senior partner with Seth as my junior associate.” He reached for my hand again. “No one else has ever made partner this soon, I mean I’m only twenty six years old and I will be a senior partner. I have to take this, Bella, it will be career suicide to turn it down.” He let go of my hand and sat back to take a sip of his wine. I did the same.

“Wow, Jake, that is just …wow. I don’t even know what to say.” I ran a hand through my hair and almost got angry. Angry, because it was a total Edward move. His signature move in fact. Why after all of this time did he come to my mind? I couldn’t answer that, at least not honestly even to myself. “Jake, can I have a little time to think this over?”

I stood and dropped my napkin to the table to cover the hardly touched food on my plate. I should worry why in the midst of all of this big news that my mind worried about the fact that I mimicked Edward’s habit. That must be it, I must have finally cracked. I was officially looney and therefore I didn’t need to worry about anything. The men in the little white coats would take care of everything!

“Sure, Bella, of course. I mean I sprung this on you without any warning. Yeah, of course.” He said it easily enough but I could hear the deeper meaning, it translated to ‘I’m going so take your time to decide your fate but mine had been made’. I just nodded and left the table. I took my laptop, my cell, my journal and car keys. I left our apartment silently as Jake washed the dishes and put away the uneaten food from our dinner. I wandered the streets until I found a hotel and checked in.

I opened the door to my room and slipped off my shoes just inside the door, and I began to pace. In fact I paced until dawn. I called my dad and talked it all out. For once he listened and didn’t offer his opinion. When I had talked my feelings out his only response was for me to do what I wanted. “Bella, I can’t tell you what to do with your life. You have to decide, all I want is for you to be happy and if you aren’t happy then you have to make a change.” That was Charlie, plain and simple.

“But what if it all goes to shit? I mean, really, I left my life in Forks so sure that this would turn out and look where I am. Five years later, no job, no hobbies and forced to choose if I stay with Jake or leave a man because he wants to take the job offer of a lifetime in California. I’m no good at making decisions for myself, come on you need to choose for me!” I half yelled and half pleaded with him. “What would mom say?” I fully pleaded this time. “She always knew what to say to me, how to make me think for myself without me realizing that I had actually done all the work, please you knew her. What would she say?” I was almost in tears at this point.

“Bella, she would say…leave him. Go, move, find a job, go on an adventure. Have fun, live life, move to the beach and sell seashells by the shore. Just be happy, baby, that’s all we’ve ever wanted for you.” Charlie sounded like he had tears mixed with his words. That thought alone made me want to crawl in his lap and let him soothe me. To be his little girl again so that he made all the choices and I just went along with them. But we both knew that it wasn’t that simple anymore.

“Dad, thanks so much. I’m sorry to call you in the middle of the night and disturb you. I appreciate that you listened to me rant.”

“Sure thing, Bella, anything for you. I mean I had a wicked card game going here with my laptop but you know you always come first in my life.” I chuckled at him. He always did have a way with words. “I love you, Bells, always have, always will.”

“I love you too, dad, thanks.” We both hung up and I crawled back into bed.

The next day I made my way home. Jake sat and stared out the window with his bag packed. It sat at his feet, it was an immediate reminder of what I needed to do as soon as I opened the front door. Our eyes met and we both knew that this was the end for us. He rushed forward and held me, I cried into his chest. Neither of us wanted to part this way but deep down inside, we both knew that it was for the best.

After some dinner and several glasses of wine to loosen our tongues, we both admitted that we knew it was going downhill. Jake actually told me that he felt it before my mom died. But he was scared that if he left me then that I would have holed up inside my shell and not ever venture out again.

“How, could you stay when you knew that you needed to get out, to go and be free?” I asked.

“It’s easy, Bella. I loved you. Love you enough to stay and enjoy life with you to protect you.” His hand slid over mine and offered comfort to me. “I never wanted to hurt you and please, don’t think that it was a terrible sacrifice to stay here with you. I love you, but I think it was more brotherly love and less hot passionate lover type love.” His eyes held the truth and I knew that he was happy with me just like I was happy with him. But we both deserved more than just happy. We deserved passion, fire, adventures and all the things that made life memorable. He stayed because he wanted me to make the decision to move on, for me to really be ready to change. So he stayed until I did, he knew eventually it would come, so he stayed. I had to agree with him, if he had left then I would have climbed inside myself and stayed there. He was far smarter than I ever gave him credit for.

We discussed how we would handle things and what each of us would keep. He called Paul and negotiated for Paul to pay for six months worth of rent on this place. That would give me time to get a job and make my own decision on where I wanted to live. I had Renee’s insurance money so I had money to live off of until all those things fell into place as well.

Bright and early Monday morning, Jake packed all the stuff he wanted and left the apartment for good. He left a list of things that he wanted me to send him once he got settled but the rest was for me to keep. I kissed his cheek as he left and told him I would never forget him. He repeated the same words and told me that when I found myself and if I still wanted him to look him up in California. He kissed my cheek and walked away.

Bright and early Tuesday morning, I started to call around for jobs. I sent out my resume and called for applications. I walked the streets and took in the sights, I went to plays and musical festivals. I attempted to find myself.

Eventually I found a job as an assistant to an editor for a small but upcoming publisher. I loved my work. I was around books and manuscripts all day long. I was smart, witty and gave my opinion.

Now, this didn’t happen all at once, but over time and with the help of Kate, my boss, I eventually became who I wanted to be, me. I was smart, sophisticated and very happy.

I flew back to Forks for my father’s thirtieth anniversary party as Chief of Police. Charlie started with the force right out of high school and worked for five years before he became Chief when the Chief died. I was born the year after he became Chief. It was the only life I knew for him and I felt proud of him for his accomplishments, so I gladly flew in for his party.

I shopped for a few hours before he picked me up in Port Angeles, as I still had not found his present yet.

In the bookstore I ran into Alice Cullen or Alice Whitlock now. Alice and I were best friends in high school, at first it was by default since I dated her brother, Edward, but eventually it was without effort that we spent time together. It was so good to see her again. She married Jasper Whitlock, her high school sweetheart and Edward’s best friend. She told me about her life now, her clothing line and her two boys. How she lived part time in Seattle and part time in Forks. Jasper was a lawyer and had his practice in Seattle, as well as her boutique. But they decided when the boys were born that they wanted a small town to raise them in, so they bought a house in Forks with her mom and dad.

I bragged on my job and how I loved my new apartment. I also asked about Edward, Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett and Rosalie broke up for awhile but eventually got back together and got married. They were trying to have a baby, but it looked like they may end up adopting.

Edward was still single. She showed me some of his pictures that he took on her phone and I had to admit that he was brilliant with his camera. He always was. Alice shared a little about a few of girlfriends between our relationship in high school and now, looked like he had always been sort of restless as well. Nothing ever stuck for him. Alice told me he was doing well and would be home in about two months. Right now he was in the Middle East to cover some of the war and the devastation it had on the countryside and the people. I was scared for him to be there in those conditions but Alice assured me that he was way behind the fighting. He went to places after the fighting was done to document the effects, so he was safe. She took all of my contact information and begged me to sign up for the group on Facebook that had all of the info for our tenth year reunion.

We both joked that we had a hard time with the fact that it had been actually been ten years since we had graduated from high school but a quick check of my age and I was convinced easily enough. I assured her I would check out the group and stay in touch before we parted ways when Charlie came by to collect me.

I was astonished when a few weeks later Alice did email me and began to share details of the reunion. The school agreed to allow us to take a tour and have lunch with our teachers, we would do an old fashioned field day, and then we would cap off our weekend with a dance. I was actually excited to see all of the old faces and asked about the people that had already R.S.V.P’ed. Alice named off the list but one important name was not on that list.

I asked about Emmett and Rose, Rose had graduated with us so I pretended to be interested in their presence and then I casually threw out Edward’s name. Alice told me that Edward would be in Spain for National Geographic then he had a magazine shoot to do right after that so he would be gone the whole entire month of the reunion. I was crushed, I really wanted to see him. Alice offered his contact info and I declined, I didn’t want to be pushy. If his life was okay without me then I didn’t want to insert myself. But I did promise her that I would come to the reunion anyway.

Over the next several months we talked, texted or emailed back and forth. The closer to the reunion the more excited I became. I booked my flight and hotel room. I packed and before I knew it, it was time to head to the airport. I called Alice just before I shut my phone off for my flight.

“Hey you, are you at the airport?” She answered.

“Yep, just about to board and wanted to make sure you could pick me up from the airport since Charlie would be tied up. If not then I could always take a cab.” I offered.

“Bell Swan, don’t you dare, Rose and I will be there to get you. Besides I have a surprise for you anyway. See you soon, I’m so excited.” She threw all that out there without a single stop for air, it’s a wonder she didn’t pass out when she gots excited. The overhead speaker came alive to announce boarding for my flight.

“Hey, Alice, got to go, they just called for boarding, I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Okay, be safe.” She called out before she hung up. It almost made my heart stop because it was what Edward would tell me all the time when we dated. I wanted to be upset that he wouldn’t be there but I just chalked it up to fate and let it go. No since worrying over spilt milk, right?

The flight was uneventful, I read on my Kindle and listened to my iPod. They both were absolute necessities for a flight if you ask me. Alice picked me up and we drove straight to the hotel where we would all stay. I dropped off my bags and we picked up Rosalie. After that we made our way to the spa to get haircuts, mani-pedi’s and anything else we could think of.

It turned into a real girl’s day. Several of the other girls from school joined us and we all ended up eating lunch and chatting together. It was so funny because we would never have sat with any of these girls in high school. I guess we do get wiser with age and lay aside all those silly notions of who and what is important.

I looked forward to all the festivities of this weekend and the ability to get to know the people that helped shape who I was again.