Bella
I woke up with a smile, I talked to Edward three times yesterday, and who wouldn't smile over that. Then it hit me that today might be the day that we could be finding out about my mom, and that took the smile away. It was not a good day. I looked at the clock, it was 7:28, early enough that I could send a text and be okay. So I sent one to the group.
A,J,Em,R,E
I'm so glad to talk to each of u last night.
Deep down inside I don't want today to be the day but then again I do. I can get thru it knowing u all r there 4 me!
I luv u all! Tlk 2 u all soon!
B
My phone buzzed back right away, so I flipped it back open. It was Edward.
B
Glad 2 tlk 2 u as well. I'll call when I can, hang in there, u'll do fine. Luv u back!
E
Then Jasper.
B
Ur so tuff! Dont 4get it! Luv u long time!
J
Then Emmett and Rose.
HellsBells
Ur a rock star, today will be good, call when u can, We luv u more!
Em & Rose
And last but not least Alice.
B
Ur da man! Things will work out 2day, trust me I know!
U know Im never wrong! Luv u more than my luggage!
A
And that is why I loved them as much as I did.
I sent another to Edward by himself.
E
Can u hold my hand and help me get thru one more day?
B
I got one right back.
Did he sit on that thing?
B
I already am love!
E
Oh boy, he was not going to make my job of deciding exactly how to make this work between us easy.
I would do what I could to make this look like I could handle it, but it was so far from easy. I needed him and I wanted to try to not call and say 'please come get me'. I wasn't sure that was fair to him. I opened the phone again and called Alice.
"Hello sunshine, did you get my text back?" Her sweet voice responded to me just like she already knew I was the one to call. I'll bet she didn't even look at her caller id.
"Yes and one from Jasper, Em and Rose and Edward, and then another from Edward. I'm trying to be strong and not call him. I know it's not fair to him to beg him to come and hold me in his arms all day long. I'm just not sure I can resist. My brain says that it is not right to ask him anything like that considering what I did to him, but, Alice, my heart says that I can't get through this without him by my side. Tell me what to do, I pleaded with her.
"Bella, Edward will do whatever you need him to do, if you need him to come to and hold you, he will. Just call him and tell him that." She sounded sure of this fact, as if she and Edward had already discussed his intentions.
"Alice I know he will, but do I have the right to call and ask? I mean what I did to him was awful. He wasn't even expecting me to break up with him. I totally blindsided him with it." I stood and began to pace the room. "I did the thing I promised I would never do to him. I deserve his hate and curses, not his love and support. I'm sick in the head, I'm sure of it." I began to run my hands through my hair, a gesture that I had picked up from Edward. "Surely there is a name for the illness I have. Come on, Carlisle is a doctor why don't you know what it's called?" I knew that this was not logical thinking on my part, but the larger part of my brain kept screaming call him and ask him to come and help you.
"Bella, you were confused and you panicked. He doesn't hate you because you had a perfectly normal reaction. He loves you deeper than I have seen in a long time." I snorted at her assurances that he still loved me. She continued but her voice sounded cautious like she was explaining to a two year old the meaning of life. "I have seen the two of you communicate in looks, and slight touches. He responds to you from across the room, and that is a love that doesn't go away. He'll help you no matter what you need."
I interrupted her thoughts, "Alice, I don't deserve his love or even his concern. I broke up with him!"
My crazy ramblings obviously didn't sway her opinions at all because she continued on in a calm manner. "You two were also best friends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. He'll support you for that reason alone. Don't over think this and don't panic. Just allow your gut reaction to lead you, follow your heart and you'll be fine."
"That is the problem Alice, I don't know which one to follow, my heart or my gut? What if things have changed since we have been apart? What if I'm not the same person I was then, what if I've changed? Will he be okay with that?" The thought of telling him that I was pregnant with his child and hid that fact from him suddenly scared the hell out of me, I knew me hiding this from him would hurt him more than anything else. He would have wanted to be a part of watching his child grow, even if it was growing in my stomach still at this point. I knew that Alice couldn't say with certainty that he would be able to over look that point.
"Bella, Edward is not unreasonable, he can be flexible. Obviously something about the way you were needed changing. So if you went and changed then he will recognize it as something that was important to you and if it is important to you, then he'll accept the change. You're thinking again, instead of feeling." I think Alice missed her calling, I knew she loved fashion but I was certain that she would have made a hell of a psychiatrist.
"Alice what if this is a big change, a change that will affect the rest of my life?" I continued on, perhaps she could give me an indication about how Edward would accept this change. How she could do that when I refused to tell her what the change was, was beyond me.
"Bella, maybe you should talk this out with Edward. He still loves you and I know he would be open to at least talking about it. He's the only one that can answer the "is it too late" question."
Oh if she had any idea of how too late it was.
"Today might not be the best day, but soon you two need to talk about this. I don't want two of the people I love hurting, when they could be happy with just a little effort. I gotta run, I have class; I'll talk to you when I get out. Please text me with any updates that you get. I love you girl!"
"Bye Alice." I was still no closer to the assurances that Edward would not flip out at my news.
As I was closing my phone, Charlie knocked on the door and I called out to come in. He sat on the bed; this was not a good sign. He never stayed long in my room, I'm sure the idea of it was off putting to him. He never hovered.
"Bella, you okay kid? Are you sure you can handle the stress? I don't want to put you or the baby in any danger. You feel free to come up and rest or get away from the craziness at any time you need to. Promise me you'll do that?"
"I will, the baby is most important, I won't do anything that will risk his or her health. I promise." Charlie's smile was warm and genuine. I think he was coming around to the idea of a grandchild.
"Okay, Esme called she is picking up breakfast and coming over. I told her you were up, that I had heard you talking on the phone. You better go shower and get down there." Charlie stood to leave my room; he stopped in the doorway and turned to face me. "I'd suggest wearing the same hoodie you have on, that covers you enough that you don't notice my little grandchild poking its head out there in the middle of your belly." Charlie patted my belly and I could feel the baby move slightly. He smiled and then his face took on a serious look. "Bella, I know you better than you think, and I know the story you gave me is not the truth. I'll wait on you to give me the true story and to tell me what you have decided to do about this."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" I knew it was useless but I feigned shock.
"Bella I've been in law enforcement for over twenty years. I know crap when I hear it, and I know my girl. She's not the kind to go to a party and drink, much less hook up with a stranger. So you decide what you want to do and I'll stand by you. Just decide it quickly before he comes home and finds out for himself, okay?" I gave a slight nod to him. I was embarrassed that we had to even have this conversation, not that I regretted my pregnancy but I regretted the fact that it happened now.
With those parting words of wisdom, Charlie closed the door and left me alone with my thoughts. So much for fooling him, I should have known that I can't lie very well to anyone, especially my police chief father. I just need to stick to the truth.
Now do I tell Edward the truth, and if I do, what will it mean for us? Has Esme changed her mind about me and if not how will that affect us if we get back together?
Too many questions for me for right now, I needed to shower and get ready to deal with today. As I climbed off of bed, I grabbed my clothes to take with me into the bathroom. My mind was racing a million miles per minute as I closed the door. I undressed and turned on the shower; knowingly I stood back and waited for the hot water to kick in.
Catching my reflection in the mirror, I could see a nice little baby bump growing. I rubbed it softly and was greeted with a swift kick to my hand. Amazement crossed my brain at the feeling, so I patted it again, and felt one more strong kick. To say I loved this baby and I was wrapped around its finger already was truly an understatement.
I wasn't sure if Edward would feel like that, and it would crush me if he didn't. I tried very hard to make a logical list of pro's and con's about this situation. But it seemed like no matter how many pro's got added to the list, the same amount of con's were added on the other side. The elusive factor that would once and for all tip the scales, to allow me to decide either way was always out of reach for me. So it seems I was still stuck in the middle.
I stepped into the shower and started to wash my hair. Today's agenda was about a totally different topic anyway, so we would worry about this tomorrow. I closed my eyes and silently prayed for the answer, I wasn't sure which answer I was praying for. I just wanted one, I would be happy with one today. Tomorrow I would work on the next problem, if I lived through today.
After I finished my shower, I pulled my hair up into a bun, put on some loose clothes and headed downstairs. I heard the noise drifting up the stairs, when I hit the bottom step the noise reached its peak. It sounded like Grand Central Station in there.
Esme was in the kitchen giving instructions on the breakfast she had brought with her, and several people were already eating at the dining room table. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the breakfast. I was certainly thankful I didn't have to cook for all those people.
As I stepped into the kitchen all eyes turned to me and Esme stepped forward to give me a small kiss on the forehead. I smiled nervously at everyone, being the center of attention always made me uncomfortable.
Charlie cautiously stepped back into the kitchen from the back porch and gave me a hesitant smile.
"Bella, glad you're down here, get some breakfast before it is gone. I swear it's like we're feeding a pack of wolves around here. The food seemed to almost disappear as soon as Esme opened it." I appreciated his attempt at humor for me.
I could hear Jacob laughing in the background.
"Thanks Dad, I will, I'm starving. I think I skipped dinner last night. I forgot with all of the phone calls and such." I turned to Esme to acknowledge her wonderful presence. "Esme I'm so thankful for you, I don't want to have to try to cook for all these people here. You're my hero. This smells great." I attempted a smile; it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But then again, we still didn't have the final bit of news yet so I will reserve the judgment till I find out all of the answers.
Once my plate was loaded with breakfast, I sat at the kitchen table. It held only Esme, Charlie and I. It was nice to not be bombarded with questions about how I'm doing, and prying eyes trying to see if I'm about to go postal on them. I preferred a small group to a big crowd in all scenarios. No such luck today, but I knew most of the people were here to help in some way, so how could I say no.
"Esme where's Carlisle? Didn't he come with you today?" I said around mouthfuls of my delicious breakfast.
"No, he had to go in for a double shift at the hospital. He'll stop by if he doesn't get off too late, but that almost never happens. Forks General is small but busy, all of the time." She lifted a dainty bite of French toast into her mouth. No matter what Esme Cullen is doing she does it with style and grace. I felt sloppy in my hoodie, jeans and messy hair next to her. "Have you spoken with any of my bunch today? Several of them have called me this morning, but they didn't mention if you had talked yet." She gave me a smile that told me she was up to something, but I wasn't sure what yet.
"Actually I sent them all a text, and they each sent one back. I have decided to take it one hour at a time for now. If an hour doesn't work then we will work on minute by minute. Did Edward call you? I was afraid it was too early to call him, so I didn't." I felt like a schoolgirl asking her friends, if the guy they like spoke to them before class. I'm sure I had a stupid grin on my face, but I couldn't help it. Edward caused me to do strange things.
"Yes, he did. He wanted to make sure that I was with you today. He feels bad that he can't be here. He said to tell you to remember he's holding your hand. I guess you know what that means." I nodded at her, certain that my already large smile just got bigger. "I want you to know I want to be here, not just because of all of the kids, but because I love you Bella. You are as special to me as they are, so I'm here for you. You let me know whatever you need, and I'll make it happen." This confused the hell out of me, how could Esme seem this genuine in her assurances that I mattered to not only her family but to her and still have said the same words that I overheard about me? I simply nodded again.
Charlie got up and took his plate to the sink, and Esme stood as well. When Charlie sat back down at the table beside me, he heaved a big sigh. I knew this meant he was ready to talk about his updates and how things were going.
"Bella, I spoke with Dave. He said that they have a report of some wreckage of a small plane. He feels like this may be the one. They'll call when they have info. He said it may not be quick. Dave said to be prepared that this part takes just as long as finding the plane. It may not be until late tonight or even tomorrow morning. He also said to not panic, that doesn't mean bad things because it takes so long. I'm sorry Bella I wish I had a quick answer but I know they are telling the truth, I've been in situations that are similar to this one and it is very slow. So if you can think of anything that will keep you occupied now might be a good time to start it, and fill some of this time we have. Do you have any questions?" I could see the calm in Charlie slipping away, the strain of personal feelings pulling him out of his usual Police demeanor.
"No, No questions. I think I'll go up and start some of the reading that I need to finish for my remaining assignments for school." My hands suddenly needed to be occupied. "I also need to call Angela and let her know what's going on. So I'll be up in my room, if either of you need me."
"Go on up Bella, Esme and I will take care of things down here. I won't let anyone up the stairs to disturb you."
I went up and pulled out my books. I chose the one that would keep me the most occupied, and started there. It was easier than I thought to get engrossed in the assignment. I had chosen great classes this semester, and I enjoyed all of them.
Before I knew it my bladder was screaming at me and I was hungry again. So I headed downstairs.
The house was still full, but everyone seemed to be doing something. I guess Esme turned into General Cullen and handed out orders. I walked into the kitchen as Jacob and a few of his friends came in with some groceries. He looked up and smiled a smile full of regret for me.
"Hey Bells, we didn't get a chance to talk last night." He bumped my shoulder with his. "I ditched school for you. I figured one day wouldn't hurt right?" His eyebrow rose as if to ask my permission for his truancy.
I feigned shock, and with a hand pressed to my chest I asked, "Jacob Black, you little juvenile delinquent, your Dad will skin you alive if it happens again, I'm sure of it, what were you thinking?" Within seconds of the words leaving my mouth, his smile gave the tell tale sign that he liked the humor. "Do you need help with those?" I offered.
"No I'm fine; it is just a few groceries. I also have some food in the car from the reservation. I know Charlie isn't the Chief of Police down there, but we're all still real attached to him." He sat his bag on the counter and Esme took it immediately to the refrigerator to unload the perishables. Jacob turned back towards the living room, so I followed him. "Several of the women came over to our house this morning and brought food for me to bring up here to you. Your Dad has sort of been their charity case, since you've been at school. They send food all of the time, they always mumble something about men not being able to cook. I don't know what they worry about, Charlie and my Dad both can fry fish, so they'll at least survive, right?" Jacob chuckled, and I found myself laughing with him. Jacob was always able to pull me out of the funk I was in, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all.
"Well they're right, he can't cook and fish doesn't cut it for dinner every night. So you tell them thanks for me. I appreciate someone looking out for him. He sure needs it." We settled on the couch, Jacob sat much closer than I would have liked for him to. It seemed that he just wasn't the male that I wanted close to me. And as much as his gentle nature and fun loving spirit calmed me, it never equaled the peace that settled over me when I just spoke to Edward. I allowed the closeness to remain, perhaps it was my over active imagination. "I worry about you and Billy as well, one man is bad enough, but two in the house together. I'm sure the house will go up in flames soon. That should be a crime, two men in a house alone!" Jacob's loud laugh could he heard all over the house as he laughed at my attempt at humor. It felt good to have a laugh, a little release.
I looked up at the clock and realized it was almost two pm. I left the living room and ran up to grab my phone. I wanted to call Edward before he went back into class. I wanted him to know what was going on. I hit the speed dial #1, funny I never realized I had not changed him from the number one position in my life.
"Hello, Bella?" His voice sounded rushed, yet smooth as silk.
"Edward, yeah it's me. How are you?" The tears ever so close just from the sound of his voice.
"I'm fine, what do you know?"
"Nothing yet, I just wanted to talk to you before you went back into class. I know I cut it kind of close, but I was reading my assignments so I would be able to finish the papers. It was supposed to help occupy my time, until we heard some news. It worked well; I only stopped when my stomach growled." I took a deep breath in and held it, when my body revolted at the lack of oxygen I allowed it to escape my mouth. I continued quietly. "They found a possible crash site. We're waiting on word. Charlie gave me this long speech about how this always takes time, he tried to assure me to not worry when the call doesn't come in right away. I don't think it worked so well." I needed Edward almost as much as I needed oxygen. My heart ached to have his strong arms around me, to comfort me and help me make it through this.
"Your Dad only wants to spare you any worry he can, so don't be angry at the speeches. Okay, Angel? He's a cop and he's seen what grief and emotions can do to people over and over again. He's coping the only way he knows how to, by being who he is at work. That keeps the emotions down when he uses that personality. Are you worried that no call has come in?"
The tears began in earnest, "No, I think my head already knows the news isn't going to be good. I'm just not sure how my heart will take it. That's the one I worry about, that one is the one that needs help, my heart needs you." I could hear his sharp intake of breath. I didn't know if I had pushed him too far or not quite enough. I was afraid to push too far so I backed down.
"I know Bella; once again I'm sorry I can't be there for you. Isn't my Mom with you?"
"Yeah, she arrived this morning with a buffet full of food, she fed everyone and now she's cleaning the house." I couldn't believe the absurdity of my brain as it imagined all of the boys marching around like little toy soldiers at Esme's beck and call. "She has everyone marching like soldiers. She sent Jacob and his friends to the grocery store. Can you imagine that pack of boys getting items that she put on the list? I'm sure that was funny to stand back and watch."
"Jacob is there, isn't he uh…supposed to be in school?" I could hear the displeasure in his voice. It's funny how things don't really change after all.
"Oh come on Edward, surely you two aren't going to start that again are you? He's just a friend, nothing more; he won't ever be anything more, okay?" I try to reassure him again about this particular topic.
"I know Bella, I'm sorry. There's just something about him that pushes my buttons. Damn it, I gotta run I need to get into class. I'll call you the minute I step out again. I promise." The rushed hurried tone of his voice morphed into a softer, sweeter lilt, "Take care love."
"I will Edward, thanks."
He was gone again, and after only a few seconds, I missed his voice. I knew enough to know that these short phone calls were not going to get me by for long. I felt the tears starting so I went back down into the kitchen to eat.
As I entered the kitchen the phone rang. Charlie stepped around me and answered it. He went into cop mode and used his official voice. He nodded a few times, and gave a few hmms, and uhuhs. I wasn't sure what was being said, maybe that was on purpose. Then I heard the name I knew and that one word let me know the questions were about to be answered. I sank into a chair and Esme came to stand beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder and smiled down at me, trying to offer me hope.
"Ok, thanks for the call. Yeah, let us know, I appreciate it." Charlie's back slumped as he hung up the phone letting me know without words his news would not be good.
He took a deep breath, and he turned to look at me. Everyone else seemed to fade away, maybe they left the room, I don't know. All I know was I could feel Esme and I could see Charlie. He walked towards me and the three steps seemed to be in slow motion. He squatted down to be face to face with me in the chair. I took his hand in mine and reached up to grab Esme's with my other hand.
"Bella that was Dave. He has received word back from the Search Team. Bella they confirmed that they found the plane. I'm sorry but your Mom and Phil are gone."
Gone.
Finality, no coming back.
I felt my heart lurch and my breathing stop. I wanted to shout and scream, but I knew that wouldn't do any good. Esme squeezed my shoulder. I let go of her hand and Charlie took both of my hands in his. When I met his eyes, I saw the beginning of tears. That's when mine came, full force. I heard a loud shuddering sound, and felt my body start to shake with my sobs. Esme pulled me into her arms and guided me into the living room to sit on the couch. I could hear her talking on the phone, and she placed it up to my ear. Alice began talking to me. I wasn't sure what she was saying, I couldn't hear her over my own tears and sobs. I love Alice but she wasn't who I needed to hear from.
"Ali, call him, please, get him for me, I need him, please." It came out strangled and in between sobs, so I wasn't sure if she understood me.
"Hold on Bella, he'll call you in just a minute, I love you!" And she hung up.
I sat beside Esme, clutching the cell phone. I could hear Charlie talking on the home phone, and other people moving around the house. I felt a body sit down next to me, and looked up to see Sue Clearwater's dark eyes looking back at me. She put her arms around me and held me from the other side. I was wrapped up between Esme and Sue. It felt warm, but nothing would be right until I heard his voice. I heard the first note of a ring and hit the button to answer it. All I could do was sob his name.
"Edward."
"Bella, honey I'm so sorry, I love you, please don't cry. It hurts me when you do. I know it hurts, please baby, let me come home to you. You just say the word and I'll be on the first flight there. Let me come home to you, to hold you and make you better. It will be better when I get there Bella. I told you, you have to ask for me. I can't assume."
"Edward, please come home, I need you." It was punctuated by hiccups and sobs but he understood.
The shaky unsure tone of his voice was replaced by the determined Edward that I knew. "Bella give the phone to my Mom for me. I'll be home as soon as I can get there, okay? Hang on until then, I love you, hang on for me okay?"
"I will."
I held up the phone and Esme took it. I heard her exchange words with Edward; I don't know what was said. I couldn't hear them over my brain chanting "Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward". I allowed the chant to lull me to sleep.
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