Chapter 10- Lots and Lots of Waiting

Chapter 10-Lots and Lots of Waiting

Bella

When we pulled into the driveway, Charlie remained silent. I was so overwhelmed with everything going on that not only was I not even sure that I could talk to Charlie right now, and if I could, I had no idea what to say. I am sure the medication that I took before I got on the plane was helping to contribute to my current state of mind, as I still felt half asleep.

Charlie helped me get my bags in and put them in my room. I started to unpack as Charlie sat down on the bed.

"Bella, I know this a lot to take in right now. I think right now we need to focus on your mom and this plane business, but soon we'll need to talk about you being pregnant." This was the most candid I had ever known Charlie to be, usually he was stoically silent, not hovering or confronting, waiting for me to come to him. "I'm hurt that you didn't call me, and I know you're a big girl now, but I never wanted you to struggle like this. This will make things so much harder for you and you'll have to work harder than others at your age." I could see the frustration building in his eyes; he was a policeman and needed to know all of the answers to formulate his thoughts and plans. In this case he didn't have all of the info; in fact he didn't have any info to go on. "Do you want to tell me when and with whom this happened? Was it Edward and why hasn't he done anything to help you?" His frustration was written all over his body language as he paced around the room. "I guess he isn't the man I thought he was, I'm disappointed in him." I could see Charlie trying to hold his anger in for now. I was glad he was, I couldn't take one more emotion into my brain at this moment.

"Dad, this isn't Edward's baby, that's why he hasn't done anything for me. I haven't even told him or Alice. I didn't want to involve them, this is my problem and I'll handle this." Charlie's face revealed his confusion, so I continued with my explanations. "It happened right after I got to college, I was at a party, and I drank some punch. I didn't realize it was spiked. It was so fruity you couldn't taste the alcohol. I ended up sleeping with a guy that had been flirting with me, I'm not even sure if I know his name." Charlie held up his hands and started to interrupt me so I continued on with my speech. I wanted it all out there and let him absorb it all. "So see, right now at this time because of my choices this is really mine and mine alone to take care of. I can do this and I have put a lot of thought into how to make this work. I can do this, and more than anything I want this baby. I don't feel like this is a mistake, the timing is terrible I'll admit that. But I'm strong enough to make it through, and little extra effort is all I'll have to put in." I flopped down on the bed and tried to collect myself when I decided to tell Charlie about the talk I had with Renee. I needed him to see that I had talked it out and thought it out and my decision was completely made. I wasn't going to change my mind. "I talked to Mom about this yesterday, I told her about the baby. She wasn't happy about the timing either, but she said I would be fine. I believe her, I got my strength from you, and you of all people should know how stubborn I can be. I promise I'll be fine!" Just the mention of Renee's name out loud pulled me back to the real reason I was home in Forks having this conversation with Charlie. The breath was sucked out of my body as I processed the pain of possibly losing Renee and Phil. I dropped my head into my hands and willed away the tears.

Charlie sat quiet for a while, when I began to move around the room again, he began to talk again.

"Bella, I don't doubt you'll be fine. I just wanted a perfect life for you. You don't understand how hard it is to stand by and helplessly watch your children struggle, knowing there is nothing you can do to help them. You'll understand when this little one comes along," he said as he gestured to my stomach. "It's hell to have to stand by and watch. There are so many joys and they far outweigh the bad, but just one time and you'll understand what I mean. The hardest job you will ever have is being a parent. I love you Bella and I'll help you anyway I can." I was shocked at Charlie's sudden gift of the gab tonight. In fact I don't think we had ever had a conversation that lasted this long when I was home full time, I guess when he has something to say he gets it all out at once. "Have you decided where you'll have the baby, and what about school after it's born?"

"Angela and I have decided that we'll move off campus and get an apartment. We are so sick of dorm life, it's too loud and busy all of the time, most of the time I have to go to the library to study. We'll move to an apartment to have a little more space. I can keep my job and school schedule. Angela has agreed to help, and there's an on campus day care, they have longer hours than a regular day care. So I have a plan, I'll get my degree, and I'll do it with a baby. I'm not giving up on what I want, just because I have someone else to take care of now."

"I have to admit that you sound like you have put a lot of thought into the plan, and I'm glad to have you and Angela staying together. It's easier when you're not alone. I have always thought that Angela was a great girl, I'm glad she's there with you. Have you spoke with Alice? Does she know what is going on?"

"Yeah, I called her while I was waiting for my flight. She and I spoke for almost 2 hours." I hesitated to tell Charlie about Edward's call but I didn't think that he would be angry with Edward once I told him that it wasn't Edward's baby. He couldn't be angry at him for something that he didn't do. So I plugged ahead with my original conversation. "Then later, Edward called as I was about to board the plane. I told them both that I would check in with them when I knew something else. Alice said she felt like she let me down by being in New York and so far away. I told her it would be okay, she was with me in spirit and I knew it." Not having Alice or Edward close to help me through this was going to be harder than I thought. Just thinking of them so far away brought back the threat of tears. "If it's okay I want to lie down for a few minutes, seems like I'm always tired now." Charlie opened his mouth to say something but I held up my hand and spoke first. "I know a pregnancy symptom. I'll be down later."

"Take your time. I need to check in and see if any more details are available. I'll come get you if I know anything new. Sleep well."

I opened my phone and turned it back on. I had four missed calls, one from Angela, one from Jasper, one from Emmett, and one from Alice. No one left a message; I guess they weren't sure how to ask in an original way if I knew any new news. I'd call them back later, right now sleep is what I needed. I changed into a pair of sweat pants and one of Edward's hoodie. It was way too big, but it was comfortable to sleep in.

I'm not sure how much time had past but I woke up to, Charlie sitting on the edge of the bed, and quietly whispering, "Bella, are you awake? Esme is here and she wants to see you. I figured you wouldn't want her to know about the pregnancy so I didn't say anything. I told her you had gone up to rest. If you don't want to see her you don't have to. It's up to you. I can tell her you're asleep."

"Yeah, I'll be okay, but you're right I really don't want her to know about my pregnancy yet, so let's not mention it. Did you find out any details yet?"

"No, they think they have found the area that the plane may be however they are having a hard time getting to the site, it's on the side of a mountain, and they have to set up proper safety equipment to protect the rescue workers. It'll probably be tomorrow before they can actually start moving in to verify that they have found the plane and in turn start rescuing passengers, so really nothing yet. Sorry."

"That's okay, they have to be safe. Please tell Esme I'll be right down, I need to brush my teeth and my hair."

"Okay."

I could hear Charlie walking back down the stairs, and then I could hear the quiet murmurs of several voices. I wasn't sure who was here, but I knew it was more than just Esme. I headed into the bathroom and brushed both my teeth and hair. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, and started down stairs. I was met at the bottom of the stairs by Carlisle and Esme. Further in the living room I could hear Jacob, Billy, and Sue.

Carlisle and Esme stepped forward and paused. I guess they weren't sure if they should approach, I hated I had put them in this uncertain condition, however I really was only doing what Esme thought was best for her son. I stepped off of the last step and almost ran into Esme's arms. She closed them around me and I broke down. I cried while she held me. After a few minutes I heard Charlie suggest that she sit on the couch, as all the men left the room. I could hear their voices in the kitchen. Esme soothed me with quite whispers like my Mom did when I was a child. I held her close and allowed her to be my 'Mom', anything to help the hurt I had. She finally pulled away and asked "You feel better?"

"No, but I don't think anything can help at this moment. I just need to know, not be in limbo any longer. The not knowing is what is killing me. To think that her and Phil may be somewhere in the elements, and possibly hurt or in pain, it is just all too much you know?" I struggled to make the right words express the mixed up cauldron of emotions I felt right now.

"Yes, I completely understand. What can I do for you?"

"You're doing it, just be with me, okay?" I was puzzled why the woman who unknowingly ruined my life a few short months ago was now my salvation, and why I was allowing her to be that salvation for me.

"Of course anything for you, I talked to Alice, Edward, Jasper, Emmett and Rose all today. They all wanted to know how you were. They each wanted me to tell you they were sorry, they loved you and if you needed any of them they would fly back for you, just say the word." She brushed my hair off to the side and kissed the side of my head before she continued her conversation with me. "I think Emmett has an exam he's trying to get out of, he was the first to offer to fly back. You know Emmett." She chuckled. "Would you like to call them?"

"Yes, let's call them. They each called me while I was in the plane, so I need to return their call anyway. Let's start with Alice. I know she's the most freaked out."

"Whatever you want, do you have all of their numbers or do you need to use my phone?"

"No I have them." I flipped open my phone and fumbled with it, I wasn't sure if I could do this without help, so I asked Esme, "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course."

I was scared to put my emotions on the line with Esme, I wasn't sure if I could trust her again after hearing her true feelings about me, but I had no one else to turn to at this moment. It was also hard to turn off the love I felt for her for all those years before this happened. I felt trapped between these emotions but, I knew I would have to worry about all of this later, for now I needed to accept whatever comfort I could.

"Hi Alice, how are you doing? I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, I was on the plane and then when I got home I took a nap. I guess I was more tired than I thought."

"Bella, I'm so glad you called, I'm fine now that I have heard from you. Did you find out any news?"

"Not much, they think they have located where the plane may be but it is on the side of a mountain so getting to the location is difficult. They are hoping that they can get the rescue workers in sometime tomorrow, however they are still trying to determine what will be the safest way to go about it. It'll probably be tomorrow morning before we know what they find."

"Oh Bella. What can I do for you?"

"Nothing right now, I'm fine for now. It's just the suspense. It is killing me, I would rather know, I think at least then I could get myself in order." Alice sobbed on her end of the phone. I wanted her with me but there was no way I could ask her to fly across the country and miss out on school, just to sit and wait with me. "But, anyway I'm here with Esme. She's holding me and letting me cry on her shoulder so I'm so glad for her. I have always thought of her as my other Mom so it is nice to have her, I just hope that she won't be my only Mom." And with those words I was crying again, along with Esme and Alice. Carlisle and Charlie poked their heads into the living room and saw the tears and both stepped back out. It took each of us a few minutes to get it together, but we didn't have any shame in sharing it with each other.

"I'm sorry I guess that was building up and I needed to let off some of the pressure. I promise to try to be better." I said to Alice and Esme both.

"Bella, don't apologize, you have every right to cry right now, hell you can cry, kick, scream yell, whatever you want to throw at me is fine, I am so sorry that I'm not there for you right now, but I promise, I will be there as soon as I can. I have about three weeks before I can leave for winter break, but the first flight I can get I'll be in Forks."

"I know Alice, I know, and please don't feel bad, I know you have school and honestly there isn't a whole lot you can do right now. It will be nice to see you when you can get here though. I guess I had better go so I can call Edward, Jasper, Emmett and Rose. I told Edward I would call when I got in and I didn't, and the others called while I was on the plane. So I haven't spoke with any of them. I love you Al, call me later, okay?"

"Love you too, and you call anytime you want."

I hit the end button and called Jasper next, I wanted to save Edward for last.

"Jasper, I am so sorry that I missed your call."

"Bella, don't ever apologize for that. How are you my second love?"

I love it when Jasper called me that; I knew he was trying to show me how special I was to him. Not very many people were special in Jasper's eyes, I felt privileged to be in that group. Jasper always tried to take people at face value and never judge them based on what others thought of them. It was still hard to crack his hard outer shell and make it to his inner circle; it took a while before I felt like I had made it. It felt good to truly say that each of us had our own friendship independent from the relationship we had with our significant others. "I've been better, I still don't know anything and it looks like I won't until at least tomorrow. They think that the plane may have gone down on the side of a mountain, and they to decide what is the safest way to get into the location before they can send rescue workers in. It'll be in the morning before they can go in and start searching. So, for now I'm just on hold. I would feel better if I just knew. I would know how to plan my next moves and thoughts."

"I know baby, I know. I can't imagine what you're going through. We'd all be there right now, if we could get away, you know that right? It was all I could do to keep Alice in her dorm. That took some work, let me tell you." His chuckle settled my nerves. He made light of the way Alice felt but I knew he had a hell of a time getting her to stay in New York where she belonged for now. "We'll be there as soon as we can, and we'll work through this with you. You know you're still family, we can't let you go that easy! Is there anything we can we do for you now?"

"I think I'm good for now, I just need to wait. I'm here with Esme, she has been great. We have held each other and when I called Alice, all three of us cried together." I knew that Jasper didn't care about our little crying fest but it made me feel much better. "I'll be fine, I know I will, it'll just take time. If I keep saying that, then maybe it'll be true, right?"

"Aw, baby it'll be true one day, not today, but one day. They say your pain lessens with each day, but I think you actually grow stronger each day. That is what I think, and we know you, Bella Swan, are already very strong, so don't you worry about being able to handle this. You'll be fine; I know this as sure as I know my name."

"Jasper, have I told you how much I love you? You always know what to say, and when I need to hear it. Thank you more than you'll ever know. It's a good thing you are in love with my best friend or I would be stalking you, you know that right?"

"I know Bella, and I would enjoy it. I'm going to let you go, I know you have more people to call. I love you girl, call me if you need to anytime, it doesn't matter how big or how small, you promise?"

"I love you more Jasper Whitlock, and yes I promise!"

He hung up and I leaned my head down on Esme's shoulder. I looked up into her beautiful eyes and just smiled at her.

"That Jasper is one great catch, and I'm so glad Alice caught him. He should be a Psychiatrist, I swear. He makes me feel so much better, with just a few simple words. I love him so much!" I took a few minutes to thank my lucky stars that I had such a great group of friends. "Okay now I guess it is time to call Em and Rose."

I dialed again from memory and Emmett picked up on the first ring.

"Bells?"

"Em, were you waiting on me to call or what?"

"Jingle Bells, you know I was. Are you doing okay?"

"Emmett, I guess. That's as good as word as any to describe what I am. I could be worse, but I could be better. I just want them to get into that plane and let me know what's going on. I can handle what they find, I just need to know. This not knowing is driving me out of my mind and I can't take it any longer." My voice raised as I finished the sentence, the emotion taking control of me. "I was able to catch it on CNN, they didn't say much but they mentioned that the plane disappeared from radar and that they think they have the site where it may be located." His voice dropped down in volume, "Don't tell Jasper or Edward I watch that channel, they'll never let me forget it, but I have." He was right about Jasper and Edward; they would tease him about the CNN thing. "I was just hoping to hear something. I'm on the edge with you, you know that right?"

"Yes, Emmett I know. I love you all so much and I know you're all with me. I can't wait to see you all again, you know go back to the way we were. Young, stupid and without a care." Emmett snorted at my comment, I'm sure he was certainly remembering some of those stupid and without a care moments we lived through. "Okay, well, some of us were more stupid than other, but still. You know what I mean."

"Belly I swear, you get meaner each time I talk to you. You have spent too much time with Edward and Jasper." I laughed my first honest laugh in several months. It felt so good to have a small part of my normal back. Emmett on the other hand took more offense and added to his comment to further wound me. "I'm moving you down on my list of favorite people; you're at least three spots lower. I mean it." More laughing on my end and a few snickers on his end as well. "Do you want to talk to Rose, she's about to jump over the couch and tackle me?"

"Yeah, let me talk to her, I love you Emmett."

"I know and I love you back, Bellarina."

I heard Rose take the phone and smack Emmett, in what I assume to be the back of his head. "You kept me waiting you big lug!" Her words drifted across to me as she took over the phone from him.

"Hey Bella." Her tone was soft and caring, one that was not heard often from Rosalie.

"Rose, I'm sorry I didn't know he would talk so long, and keep you waiting. How are you both doing?"

"Bella, he has been beside himself all day, he's worried sick over you. He couldn't stand sitting here and not doing anything. He almost left three times." I was not surprised at all to hear that about Emmett. His huge size was extremely intimidating but his heart was just as big as his massive frame. Once you were in his inner circle he took care of you no matter what you needed. "I found him on the internet looking up flight info two times. I made him promise to wait until winter break, but he made me promise that if you called and needed us we would go early." I had no doubts what so ever that all of them would fly back in tonight if I needed them all. I just didn't know what to do at this point. I had no idea what the outcome would be, so again we would have to wait and see. "So, you call us if you need too, to tell the truth I'm secretly hoping for that option also, but don't tell Emmett, he won't let me live it down."

"I'm just so lost Rose, I keep saying that if I at least knew something I would be able to decide what I'm going to do, but this limbo that I am stuck in means I'm just feeling so lost. I hope they'll be able to get in there first thing in the morning and start searching. But we don't know for sure, they are giving Charlie a little more info that the normal person because of who he is, so for that I can be thankful. But I really want to know." My ears recognized the sound of the frustration in my voice leaking out and lacing my words with bitterness.

"Is there anything we can do for you right now?"

"Nah, I've spoken with Alice, Jas, and you guys. I need to call Edward next. He called while I was trying to board the plane, so I told him I would call him back. I appreciate all of you more than you know."

"Bella, you go and call Edward. If you get any updates, call him and he can call us. That'll make it easier on you, not so many people to remember to call and fewer times to repeat the same info, how does that sound?"

"I'll call Alice and she can tell Jasper, and Edward can call you. I'll see you all soon, right?"

"Yes, we'll be there as soon as we can, and Bella, everything is going to be ok, we are all here for you and you will never be alone, each and every one of us loves you."

"Thank you, Rose, I needed to hear that and please know, I love you and Emmett so much, thanks for sticking with me."

"Anything for Emmett's Bellarina. You go and call Edward. And Bella…please take care of yourself, okay?"

"Okay, Rose, bye."

I just had to get through the next phone call, of course that would be the one that would tear my heart apart. The fact that I needed him and wanted him here with me, holding me and yet not able to ask for him, I knew that it would break my heart. I just had to hold to my resolve, I did this, I broke things off, I want him to have what Esme wants him to have and obviously being with me will hold him back so I have to hold firm and not break down. It may break me but in the end, I have a piece of him with me at all times and that would have to be enough to get me through.