Chapter 11- Barely Holding On

Chapter 11- Barely Holding On

Bella

Before I called Edward I glanced up at Esme there was such a sadness in her eyes, I wasn't sure if it was for this situation or something else. I really wanted to ask her the question that I had been plaguing me for almost 6 months, I wanted, no I needed to know why I wasn't good enough for Edward. What was it that made me so wrong for him, was something I could do to change who I was so that I could be enough for him? If there was anything that I had learned through this situation was that I needed him more now than any other time in my life, but because of Esme's opinion and my need to do what was best for him, he wasn't here. I knew that I could wait until winter break, and at the very least see him but would that be enough, would that be what finally caused me to crack completely. And really, what about him? It sounded like he wanted to talk to me, and that was good I think that I could handle talking to him on a regular basis and that may help me to get me through all of this. At least that's what I hoping for, his strength and love to be there to help me get through what could be the most traumatic point in my life, but was that fair to him, isn't that doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do, and how could I talk to him and not deal with the giant pink elephant that was standing in the room? How much would him knowing about the baby change all of this?

I finally decided it was better to think about all of this later, for now, I need to hear the voice I have missed for almost 6 months, so I dialed the number I had wanted to dial all afternoon.

As he answered I noticed that his voice was muffled and groggy with sleep. "Edward, did I wake you? Is it too late?"

"Bella, no I was just dozing off and on. I was waiting for either Alice or you to call me. To be honest, I wouldn't have slept well without hearing from you so I am glad that you called." I could hear his hand rubbing through his hair. I could close my eyes and see him clearly. "How are you? You sound better than you did earlier."

"Yeah, I don't even know how I was forming coherent sentences at that point, I had taken a mild sedative before I got on the plane, I managed to sleep the whole way to Seattle and still had to take a nap after I got home to Forks, I feel a lot better now so I guess it helped. I had intended on calling you sooner, but I just needed more rest, sorry."

"Bella, don't apologize for taking care of yourself. I understand." The anguish in his voice was clear.

"I wasn't sure if I could get on a plane after hearing about Mom and Phil especially by myself, you know? I was so scared, but the sedative helped, it wasn't real strong, just enough to help me sleep, so I didn't have to think about anything." For some reason I felt the need to explain my sedative use to Edward. He obviously didn't know about the baby but somewhere in my grief stricken, hormonal mind I still felt like he needed to understand that I wasn't putting his child in any danger. "The Doctor said it would be ok to take as long as I would have someone to drive me home once I landed." Edward drew in a breath, I wasn't sure of the reason; I knew as the son of a doctor that he wasn't opposed to medications but any other reason escaped my mind at the moment.

"Charlie woke me up, when your Mom and Dad got here. Your Mom has been sitting with me since. I told her that I have always thought of her as my extra Mom so it was good that she's the one here for me now." I smiled up at Esme as she smoothed my hair out and returned the smile to me. I was still confused by her seemingly honest show of emotions towards me, but she was as close to Alice and Edward as I could get so I shut that train of thought down again.

"I called Alice first, I hope that was okay, you know how she is and I figured if I didn't call her soon, she was going to be on a flight to Forks. I also made sure to call Jasper, Em, and Rose, I know how worried they were. I wanted to call you last; I wanted us to have more time to talk." I didn't know how he felt, he hadn't given any indication as to his feelings yet, so I was still in the dark. I know it was so selfish to take the comfort from two people that may not really care that much about me, but for the moment I wanted it and so I would deal with what happened later when later got here. "I don't really know where we stand, and I don't want anything to be strange between us. So tell me what to do and say so we can be okay." I wanted things back to normal with us. I just needed him to be normal and help me get through this.

"Bella, you say whatever you want, I'm here for you. I'll be here for you in any way you need me to be. You need to let me know what you want. You're the one that changed things, not me. I know what I want from you, my feelings, and my love for you has never changed at all for me. I'm not going to assume anything. I will do anything you ask, do you understand what I'm saying?" The tone of his voice revealed to me the hidden meaning that his words only alluded to.

"Edward, I know exactly what you're saying. I'm just so confused right now, so please don't be angry that I don't know what I want. I think this has turned my world upside down and it'll take me some time to figure it out." I sat back and shut my eyes, willing myself to hold the emotion in and not show Edward how close to the surface my true feelings really were.

"I know that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Carlisle, Esme and especially you are the biggest part of my world and I can't get through this without you. I know that's not really fair to you, and I won't ask you to do more than you can. I don't want to hurt you anymore." I took a moment to breath in and try to collect my thoughts again, I figured now was as good as any to work out what we had been through over the past few months. I wanted, no needed him to know how much I was hurt by the actions that I chose as well. I didn't think that would bring him any comfort but I needed him to know that I did really love him and never wanted to hurt him. "I know what I did before hurt you a lot and I want you to be okay, as well. You need to know that my true feelings have always been filled with love for you. I never started out to hurt you, in any way. I promise." He remained silent but I could hear him breathing. I knew that he would need time to weight his words and decided what he wanted to say to me. Edward had always been an over thinker. I plowed ahead with my explanation, "We need to promise to be completely honest with each other, if something is out of the bounds or more than what we can take, we need to feel comfortable with telling each other that. Do you agree?" I bit on my lower lip and waited with baited breath for his answer.

"Bella, I promise to tell you if anything becomes too much and to be totally honest with you." That was as much as I could get from him for now. "Now tell me about you, how have you been? I've almost picked up the phone a million times to call you, and I wasn't sure if I should. I have missed you as my best friend just as much as I have missed you as my girlfriend, does that make any sense to you?"

"Yes, I completely understand, I told Angela the same thing. I spent every day with all of you and to go cold turkey and not see all of you for five months; it is like a form of torture." It seemed so much longer than five months that I had been away from Edward, yet in another way it seemed like no time had gone by at all. "It is hard to think about with how close we all have been that we each went to our own little part of the country, except of course weak assed Rose and Emmett. Who knew they would be the wimps?" I chuckled and couldn't believe that after a few minutes I was able to laugh again. Edward always had that kind of pull on me.

"How's school Bella, and what about your job? How's the job going?"

"Well surprise, it's in the campus library, it's like they knew me or something. I love it, the classes are kind of tough this semester. I'm doing well so far, nothing too difficult, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that the really hard ones aren't coming." Edward sounded shifty like he was searching for something to keep us on the phone. He had no idea that I would start to find excuses to keep him here as long as possible. "I have some reading and few papers to do while I'm here. Each of my professors agreed to allow me to do an extra paper instead of taking the final so that I could complete the semester. That way I won't have to retake all three courses. That'll save me a semester, and since I think I'll have to sit out one semester anyway, I don't want to waste another one." I clapped my hand over my mouth; I couldn't believe I had allowed that little piece of info to slip out. A few minutes of talking with Edward and all of my walls had come down and I was ready to spill all of my secrets to him.

"What do you mean sit out a semester?" His voice rose in anticipation of my response.

"Well, I think depending on the outcome of all of this I may either have to help Renee and Phil with any recovery that they have or stay here in Forks for a little while after all this clears over, you know getting myself together. I don't want to push myself, and try to pretend that I'm okay if I'm not. I don't want to sound weak, but this may take some time, and I feel like I deserve it." This was a real concern of mine but not the exact excuse that would keep me out of class for a whole semester.

"Bella, you talk like you know how this is going to end, do you know something I don't?" Concern laced his voice as he asked.

"Not officially, but I have a gut feeling. I may be wrong, but I don't think so. I'm certainly not going to pretend with myself. I figured that it would be better to meet this thing head on, and deal with it from the start. Does that make sense?"

"Of course it makes sense, it just sounds like a hard thing to do and most people don't have the guts to do it. I'm proud of you Bella. I always knew how strong you were, but every once in a while you surprise me." I could hear the longing in his voice and I wondered if he was thinking back to the time when I could crawl in his lap and take comfort from him without any questions asked. I certainly was. "You know that is what drew me to you when we first met. Most girls do and say all the same things. They're not original, it's like they were shaped from a mold and they're really all the same. You however, were always different, always say things that surprise me." He sat for a moment of silence; I was on the edge of my seat to find out what he wanted to say. "I love that about you, you do what you feel you need, and not what everyone else thinks you should. Make sure you never change that, don't ever let anyone tell you that you need to conform, you hear me?" I nodded at his request and realized that he couldn't see me.

"I will, Edward, I promise."

"That's your strongest trait and that's what is going to get you through this. We'll be with you every step of the way, but you're going to do this yourself. You're strong enough."

"Edward, thank you. I need to hear that a million more times, I'm not foolish enough to think that this will be easy, but I know I can make it." The resolve in my voice was stronger than I felt at the moment; I still had the final answer to get through.

"Jasper told me that people say that the hurt lessens with each day, but that's not true. We get stronger each day and learn how to deal with it. How you guys always know what to say to make me stay strong is beyond me." I never wanted to get off of the phone with him; I would stay there all night with him. But I knew that I needed my sleep. So I said the words that I never wanted to utter. "I guess I'd better go, so your Mom and Dad can go home. Your Mom has been with me for several hours now, and I think she'd like her lap back. I don't know what I did to deserve you and your family, but I swear one day I'll pay you all back. I don't care if it takes a lifetime, I'll do it." I stood on shaky legs and stepped away from the couch and away from Esme. "I think it's the Japanese language that has about fifty different ways to say I love you for different meanings, and I wish I knew them all because I'm sure that they'd all apply to your family. Thank you for not hating me and for still being my friend, and mostly for being here for me now. I'm not sure I would be strong enough without you. I'll call you in the morning when I know something. What's your schedule for tomorrow?"

"I'm in class from eight until twelve, and then I have a class from two until five. So most of the day, but I'll leave my phone on vibrate. Why don't you send me a text and then I can text you in class. I won't be able to hear your voice, but I'll at least know you are okay. Is that good?"

"That's perfect; promise me you'll call me here at the house when you get out of your last class." I remembered that Rose and Em asked me to have him call them to let them know the updates. "Oh yeah, Rose and Em said for me to call you with any updates and you can relay to them. That way I would have fewer people to call."

"That's fine, I'll be glad to relay for you. Goodnight sweet Bella, sleep well. Take those pills if you need them. Don't try to be stronger than you need to be, admit you need them if you do."

"I will Edward, don't worry about me I'm better now. I'll talk to you tomorrow, sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams to you, love."

I shut the phone and looked at Esme; she was smiling this large wonderful smile. I couldn't figure her out at all.

"What is that smile for?" I asked hoping she would give me an honest answer.

"The way you were holding the phone I could hear Edward's side of the conversation. He's a changed man, not that he was bad before, but it's so wonderful to hear how he is with you. I think we have done something right for him to have grown and become the man he is today. I'm glad you two still have each other in whatever way you consider your relationship." She pulled me in a hug and held me for a minute, her sweet soft smell enveloped me and it was hard to imagine that just a few months ago she was talking about me ruining Edward's life, what could have changed in those 5 months for her to say this now. Is she just saying these things to make me feel better now, or does she mean them. I would have to process this later, I just didn't know hot to handle it now. "I think you're right I'm going to take Carlisle home. I'll be back tomorrow. I would like to stay with you if you don't mind? I know you have Charlie, but you know how guys are with emotional displays. I figure I can handle those and he can take care of all the other stuff, besides I can cook better than he can." I nodded enthusiastically at her, again I knew I was probably clinically insane but I couldn't help but accept her help. "I'll call before I come; to make sure you have enough rest. I'll see you in the morning, sweet Bella. Sleep tight."

"I will thank you so much."

She turned to look towards the kitchen where the men stayed huddled up and away from the emotional display. "Carlisle, are you ready?" her voice called out sweetly.

All at once the men emerged from the kitchen, obviously deciding that it was safe to enter the emotional zone again. They all filed sheepishly into the room, as Carlisle stepped up to give me a hug.

"Bella you call if you need anything, it doesn't matter what time it is." He leaned back to look me over.

"I promise, thank you for coming, I needed it more than I realized." His calm and caring manner put me at ease and made me feel so cared for.

I turned to Esme, and hugged her. She just held me until I was ready to let her go. She kissed my head, and they both turned in unison to go out the door.

Billy, Jacob and Sue all came into the room, wearing their coats.

I felt terrible that I had allowed them to be here all evening and I had spent it huddled up on the couch with Esme talking to everyone else. I rushed to explain, "I'm so sorry that I wasn't a better hostess, I kind of got lost in the emotions. I really feel awful, don't leave yet." I laid my hand on Billy's wheelchair to stop him from heading towards the door. "Please let's go into the kitchen, Esme said there was some food, I could warm you something to eat, will you stay for a while longer?"

Billy spoke up as he grabbed my hand.

"Bella, we're here for you, you don't have to feel like our hostess. You do what you need, and we'll take care of ourselves. Don't apologize for spending time with someone who means so much to you."

Sue placed her hand on my shoulder and moved my hair off to the side. Her warm smile enveloped me in peace as she said, "We only want to see you happy and if that makes you happy, then we're happy. We'll go and come back tomorrow, we'll eat then. How does that sound?" She nodded her head at me and I repeated the gesture.

"Billy and I will come first thing, and Jacob will come after school. I'll leave him the keys so he can drive my car. I promise we'll be here. So sleep well."

Jacob bumped my shoulder with his as he filed out the door. Sue, and Billy hugged me and went out the back door.

Charlie and I worked in silence while putting away the large amount of food people brought over. The refrigerator was full by the time we were done. It was nice to live in a small town for many reasons, and this was one of them. Their attitudes were 'You took care of your own', especially since it was their Chief of Police that needed help. Countless times Charlie had been there for them in their time of need, and now they saw it as their chance to pay him back. I appreciated Forks for how well they took care of the person who was so special to me. I definitely had grown to think of Forks as my home.

When we were finished we said our goodnights and each went up to bed.

I stopped in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and wash my face while I was in there I took another pill. When I was finished I climbed into bed, and turned out the light. For a moment I felt like if I closed my eyes tight enough I could feel Edward with me. But when I opened my eyes again, the feeling of him was gone. I realized I couldn't relax without hearing his voice one more time so picked up the phone, and dialed him.

"Bella, hello, are you okay?" He had been asleep, his rough unused voice sounded so sexy.

"Edward, this is silly but I'm in bed and needed to hear your voice again. Is that okay?"

"Bella that's fine. What do you want me to talk about?" Uncertainty hanging off of every word that he spoke. We still were in the unsure awkward stage with each other.

"Just put in one of your piano CD's for me and I can listen with you until I fall asleep."

"Yeah, hold on, I'll get one. Be right back."

I could hear him moving around and then the music started, he turned on his iPod and put it in the dock. It came through the phone just like I was there with him. I listened for a few minutes and as I felt myself drift off, I said "Edward, I think I am falling asleep on you."

"Don't worry Bella, I'll let it play for about 10 more minutes and then hang up."

I smiled again, and then said "You mean the world to me, love you." I was too tired to worry about the words that came out of my mouth, and since Edward never responded I let it go.

Turning over, I closed my eyes for the night. I never heard him hang up.