Edward
I hung up with Bella, tormented by the pain she was going through. It was so surreal that her pain would cause the memory of my own pain from the same event many years before to flood back into my body so fast. I had to shake this off and get to calling for a flight so that I could get back to Bella. I needed to be with her, I understood her pain more than anyone else and I needed to make sure that she was okay.
I grabbed my laptop at the same time that I reached for my phone. I called Alice while I opened up the browser to search for a flight.
“Alice, have you talked with Bella?” Alice was so overwhelmed and affected by what Bella was going through. I could tell it in her tone of voice, and in her breathing pattern even. She obviously had been crying and probably felt as useless as I did at this moment.
“Yeah, I just wish I was there with her. She is all alone and I need to be with her.” Alice pleaded.
“I know Alice, I know. I am actually checking flights now. She finally asked me to come home.” The relief flooded out of me and in that second with those words I began to cry.
I cried for all the love that I felt for Bella, I cried for all the time that we had missed with each other. I cried for all the things she had experienced for the first time without me to share them with her. I cried for the pure and simple fact that Bella was my soul mate and I lost her. And I cried for the fact that she was hurting and I couldn’t take the pain away for her, I couldn’t make her better. All I could do was hold her hand, listen to her talk it out and hope that it was enough.
“When is your flight?” Alice brought me back to this reality.
“Don’t know, I’m looking them up right now.” I searched and of course none were leaving and flying in to Seattle as quickly as I wanted them to be. There was that would put me into Seattle at a little after midnight but I didn’t care. I wanted to be home with Bella as soon as possible.
“I got one that will put me into Seattle at 12:25, I hope someone doesn’t mind coming to get me then.” I made a mental note of all the details I needed to take care of before I left here.
“I found a flight that will connect me with yours and we can fly on to Seattle together, do you mind if I come too?” Alice asked, she sounded just as desperate to get back to Forks as I did, so how could I tell her no?
“Sure, what’s the flight number?”
“Mine is Delta flight 245, I will already be on the flight when it stops to pick you up, so we can fly the rest of the way together, sound good?” Alice was moving just as fast as I was to throw things into the bag and be on her way, I could hear her moving around the apartment as we spoke.
“I’ll call Mom and Dad and tell them that we both will be there at 12:25, so to come and pick us up. Call me before you take off, okay?” I made all the arrangements with my flight and typed out a quick email to my professors as I talked with Alice. I would handle the consequences later, right now my only goal was to get home to Bella.
“Okay, love you Edward.”
I told Alice that I loved her as well and ended the call. I finished packing, only taking a small carry on since I had clothes still in Forks and made my way out of the apartment. Once I was in the cab I called my dad.
“Hey, I got a flight to Seattle, Alice does as well. We both need to be picked up at 12:25 tonight. Can you do that?” It suddenly got quiet as we spoke; I assumed that he stepped outside the house to talk with me. I knew for certain that they were still at Bella’s house and half of me wanted to ask to speak to her again but I had to deal with the details first so I could get on my way to see her.
“Yeah, that’s fine. I expected to get this call from one or all of you so I will be there to get you. Son, please be safe, okay?” Seriousness tinted his voice and masked his emotions a little.
“I will, Dad, I will. I’ll see you then.” I wanted to hang up quickly because I couldn’t allow his concern to sway or scare me into not getting on that airplane. “Hey, is she okay?” I needed to know how she was from a different perspective, and I knew that my dad wouldn’t lie to me.
“She’s not great but she is doing okay.” He answered, his words sounded like he might be holding back a little but I couldn’t blame him. Who wants to know that his soul mate is not doing well with a plane ride ahead of him before he can get to her and comfort her? No one, and I was man enough to know that I wanted him to lie to me for now.
“Okay.” That was my simple response. “Love you Dad, see you soon.”
“Bye Edward, love you too.”
I hung up and paid for my cab ride. I rushed into the terminal and sat to wait for the ride that would take me back to her.
After torturous amounts of time I was finally in my seat and ready for take off, and the good news was that it looked like we would be on time. Alice had come by my seat and once everyone was on the plane we would try to move to sit beside each other. I looked down at my watch for the gazillion time. Each time I was closer to seeing her, seeing Bella. Not much closer but still closer.
The plane took off and when the seatbelt sign went off I went in search of Alice. I found her huddled up and looking so scared. I knew that Bella was her best friend but it still scared me how scared she looked. I sat beside her and flipped up the arm rest and pulled her into my arms. She was a small substitute for Bella but it still felt good to hold her against me and know that somehow, I was comforting someone. For the moment Alice would fill my need to help.
We both dozed off and came to when the stewardess made her rounds to remind us to put our seatbelts back on. Alice slide back into her seat and I straightened in mine. The armrest was dropped back into place and we each snapped our seatbelts back on. Once all the necessary activity was done Alice grabbed my hand and held on again. I looked over and noticed that she was again crying.
“You okay, Al?”
“I just don’t know how to help her, Edward, what do I say to her?” The tremors in her voice showed the depth of emotion that she felt for Bella’s loss.
“You just tell her that you are there and will always be there for her. She will know and understand that, okay?” I smoothed Alice’s crazy hair down a little. If we were not in such deep anguish knowing what we were heading into, it would have been comical the strange ways that her hair stuck up and out.
“Will that be enough?” Her small voice asked me, still worried that she couldn’t help her best friend.
“Sure it will. Honestly, Alice, nothing anyone says or does right now will make a difference anyway. She’ll be in such a daze right now and will be for awhile. Trust me, I remember the fog that surrounds that week and perhaps month even. I don’t remember shit from that time. Just tell her that you will be there and don’t try any of that I understand bullshit; that always made me angry. The people who said it was so far from understanding that it was almost funny. So don’t do that, don’t say stuff just to say it, say what you really mean to her. Tell her how much you love her, tell her how sorry you are and that you will be there for her. But don’t say the stupid shit and belittle her with it, okay?” I guess I still had some anger and hostility towards those that tried to help me in the days after my parents died. I guess in situations like this those things always resurface.
Alice never answered me, she just snuggled up as close as she could with her seatbelt on to my arm. I held her and counted down the minutes till I could see and possibly hold Bella.
Then the thought occurred to me, could I hold Bella? What would be the nature of our relationship? Would she want me in any way that she had before or did she just need me to talk her through things since I had lived it before her? How the fuck was I supposed to go back to being her friend when I had held her in my arms? When I had kissed her and made love to her? I wasn’t sure if this time with her would make or break me. I just knew that I had to be there for her, I had to no matter the consequences to me.
Soon we had landed, gathered our luggage and met Esme. After a few embraces she moved us off towards the Mercedes. She made short work of delays and I appreciated it. I certainly would lose my mind if I was in the same state and couldn’t get to her, quickly.
Alice and Esme sat up front chatting about all sorts of things, I couldn’t tune into their conversation. I was too busy turning things over in my own brain, trying to decide how I would play out things between Bella and I. I needed a game plan otherwise I would be caught off guard and get hurt again. I hoped that the game plan would keep me from getting hurt again, I hoped.
Esme’s phone began to ring when we were about an hour from Port Angeles. Esme answered it and her voice quickly changed. Her words didn’t alert me to a problem, her tone did. I sat up immediately, dread filled me.
“Esme, what’s going on?” I snapped at her. Esme’s eyes met Alice’s and they both seemed filled with fear.
“ESME!” I shouted, “What is going on? Is Bella okay?” That was the one question I needed to know, everything else I could handle but just not that. She had to be okay.
Esme pulled over and turned to face me, each action scared me a little more.
“We don’t know. She’s had an accident, the EMT’s recognized Charlie’s truck and called ahead to warn Carlisle. He doesn’t know more than that, they are still a few minutes away from the hospital now. He said that the EMT’s didn’t give him much info.” Esme’s eye showed her motherly love and concern. And for the life of my I didn’t know why that hurt me even more. Perhaps she was sparing me, saving me from the bad news, I had no idea. I just knew that I had to get to Bella right away.
“Esme, can I drive?” I asked. Both sets of eyes from the front seat showed their concern at this question. I had better do some more explaining, so as I unbuckled my seatbelt I continued, “I need something to occupy my mind, seriously, I will go fucking insane if I have to just sit here and wonder if I have lost her again. I can’t just sit here.” Each word gradually increased in volume until I was at a full on yell in the back seat.
Esme weighed my words and quickly slipped out of the driver’s seat and changed places with me. I buckled my seat belt again and dropped the car into drive. I flew away from our make shift parking spot and towards Forks, towards my Bella. In whatever condition she was in.
Alice had pulled her phone out and started making calls, she called Em and Rose. Then she called Jasper and told him. The pain and concern in her voice was rushing around my head but I shut it out. I couldn’t break down until I got to her. That was my only goal right now, get to Bella’s side.
When Alice finally hung up with Jasper and Esme had tried unsuccessfully to call Carlisle again, I turned up the volume on his state of the art stereo in the Mercedes. I allowed the music to soothe me and force me to concentrate on other memories of us. The good ones, all the firsts we had achieved with each other. All the fun we had with each other, the ones that allowed me a clear head to make it to her safely.
The Mercedes was barely in park when I threw open the door and flew into the hospital. The nurses that I knew showed shock at seeing me here at this time of night but answered with appropriate directions to her room when I shouted Bella’s name. I knew this hospital like the back of my hand and it was a good thing, I was able to go right to her.
I met Carlisle in the hallway outside her room and he grabbed me by my arm when I charged right past him.
“Hey, you need to slow down a minute. She’s fine Edward, a minor accident that’s all.” I searched his eyes for truth and realized that he was being honest with me. I relaxed and felt the tension drain right there in the hallway. Relief flooded through me and with it brought the tears.
“Fuck!” I fisted my hair and leaned down to catch my breath.
Carlisle pulled me up straight and I followed his arms as he hugged me. “Sorry Edward, I knew this would scare you but I didn’t want you to get to Forks and not know. Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, I am now. Can I…can I see her?” I just needed to lay my eyes on her, to assure my mind that she was indeed fine.
“Yeah, she’s sleeping off and on. She has a headache but I haven’t given her anything for it yet, I can’t until I know exactly what’s going on with her, so be mindful of this. She needs to rest and be as still as possible until I get those results. Okay?” I nodded with my hand already on the door knob. Carlisle’s snicker settled my nerves slightly.
I pushed the door open and stared at her lying in that big hospital bed. She looked so small, so helpless. My heart ached for her, for all that she had been through today. I knew Bella and knew that she was so overwhelmed. She adored Renee and had always been so close to her, so this loss would certainly be hard to get over for her. She would be losing her mother and one of her best friends all in one tragic event.
She was so still and quiet. If not for the beeping of the machines that showed me her heart rate and respirations, I would be tempted to wake her up and check her myself. Instead I sat and just held her hand. There was so much that I wanted to say, I wanted to confess my undying love, to tell her that I didn’t need anyone or anything more than her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her until all her pain was gone but right now I just settled for holding her hand. I brushed her hair off of her forehead and just looked at her.
She slowly turned her head towards me; her eyes still closed, and winced in pain at her movement. My hand flinched slightly in hers and I waited for her to open her eyes. When she did I looked directly into her soul. I could see the helplessness in them and it made my determination even stronger to help her get through this. I smiled and she tried to return it.
I teased her and asked her about her drama level today, surely she didn’t need more but that was Bella. She does everything to the fullest! Her eyes were ‘off’ slightly, but heaven’s knows she had enough reasons for them to be that way. I tried to allow myself to settle and let her skin contact soothe me. Her simple hand holding wasn’t enough; I leaned over and kissed her forehead. I hoped that I didn’t scare her by pushing too far too fast.
I began talking, I figured that if I moved my mouth then it wouldn’t want to attach itself to her in other ways. I talked about how fast I drove, how I scared Alice and Esme. I asked her what in the world she was doing out this time of the night alone. She explained why she was out and wonder of all wonders she was just as anxious to see me as I was to see her. Her anxiety caused her to venture out, just to be a little closer to me. My heart soared at this prospect that she might still, even if in a small way, love me.
Her tears began as she explained; I lowered my body to be closer to her. The contact was heavenly; she fit against me like she always had, no changes. I whispered to her and tried to soothe her. I knew she probably just needed to cry, so I held her close and let her do what felt right to her.
One more small kiss, I promised myself as I place a kiss on her temple. I swear she leaned into it slightly. I prayed that she did, prayed that I still had a chance. We talked for a little bit about how she was and her mom. I tried to pull away, against my better judgment, but she snuggled closer and asked me to stay with her. So, stay I did.
I knew that if I didn’t give myself some distance I would fool myself into thinking that this was my new normal so I pulled away and gave Bella the excuse of allowing Alice to come in. Her eyes lit up at the prospect of seeing Alice so I left to retrieve her.
I stayed out in the hall while Alice went in. I felt the force, gravity, kismet, what the hell ever it was pulling me back through that door and to her. But I couldn’t be that guy, I couldn’t smother her. I had to play this by her rules, to let her lead me on this. So I stayed outside the door with my hand poised and ready to charge in if she seemed to need me.
Carlisle eventually showed up and hugged Esme. Our eyes met over her shoulder and he lifted his eyebrows in silent question to me. I shrugged at him because honestly I didn’t really know how the hell I was so there was no point in even trying to explain it to him. He had Bella’s chart so we went back in with him as he explained to her what was going on.
I was busy staring at Bella so I had no idea what question he asked her but when she answered her eyes shifted from Carlisle, to me to Charlie’s. I had no idea that Charlie had even arrived. Carlisle sent us all out so he could examine Bella so I grabbed her hand and tried to show her that I was still with her. She squeezed mine and I reluctantly let it go as I left the room with the others.
We shuffled around the hallway till Charlie came back out and said for us to wait for Carlisle in his office. I tried not to let this scare me but I decided that this was a battle that I was just going to lose. At this point Bella breathing would scare me that I was losing her in any way for a while.
I paced and listened to Alice and Esme drone on about who knows what. Charlie and I met each other in our different patterns of pacing off and on. Each time he met my eyes I saw something in there that I couldn’t define. It looked more like pity or perhaps hesitation. I saw hesitation, like he had something to say but just couldn’t decide if it needed to be said now. I tried to convey that he could trust me, that I would take care of Bella right now and figure it all out after that. He just smiled at me, clapped me on the back and kept pacing.
Carlisle walked back into his office; his face read his clear relief. Before he could even say a word I was out the door and back to Bella’s room. I knocked just in case and when she murmured to me I let myself in.
She was pulling on my hoodie that she stole from me a few years ago. It made my heart swell to know that she kept a part of me around. Stupid, I know but still felt it anyway.
She made a joke about it but I saw it for what it was, she needed me even if in a small way.
She asked me about how long I was here; finally we could talk about what was going to happen.
I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around her; she turned slightly but just a small amount. I hoped that I hadn’t hurt her.
I dismissed it and told her about how long I would be there with her, we talked about food and I tried to just be normal with her. I prayed that I made it look normal; I was so scared that she would see right through me and send me away again. I just needed to be with her right now, close to her and keep her safe from anything else. Just long enough to let her heal then we can talk about the serious stuff and sort us out. Right now my job was to protect her and let her heal.
I held her when she cried again, at what I assume was a memory of Renee. God, she felt so good against me.
We made our way back to everyone else and they agreed to eat with us. Alice worked it out so that Bella and I could drive to the diner by ourselves. Have I mentioned how much I love Alice? Seriously, loved her to pieces, she always knew how to give Bella and I our space. She just knew that I couldn’t share Bella right now and I would always be thankful to her.
A large smile settled over my face and Bella asked me about it.
“What’s that smile for?” A small smile was creeping across her face as well.
“I just can’t believe we’re here together, going to get breakfast at the diner. This is so far from where I thought I would be if you had asked me a week ago. I just find it funny, the complete about face we’ve made.”
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