Chapter 10-
Edward
I had been lying in bed almost all night, awake, wide awake. I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking of Bella taking care of Eavan by herself. No one was there to help her at two am when Eavan was waking up again, no one was there to help her when she was exhausted and just needed a hand.
I had flashbacks of my life and was now able to see all of the ways that things had gone to hell. I saw the times when I could have turned left instead of right and my life would have changed drastically. On the other had, making different decisions meant that I might not have ever met Bella and that was the one thing that I would never regret, especially knowing that if I had not met Bella we would not have Eavan. I grabbed my baby girl's picture and ran my finger over her sweet face. Looking at her told me that I couldn't regret any of it, it all was worth it if I could spend the rest of my life with them.
I laid the picture of Eavan back down on the shelf and folded my hands over my chest. I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep, I knew I needed to sleep; I just couldn't seem to clear my mind of all the bad enough to relax enough to achieve it.
When my eyes drifted close this time I tried to think of the good. I thought of the time when I realized that I was in love with her. Let's be honest I'm a guy and a pretty ass-o-holic one at that; at least I used to be most of the time; so things with Bella and I were never sweet, romantic or even gentle, but I did try to show her that I loved her. Looking back now I see that they were the wrong forms of love but at the time, it was all I had.
I had rushed home from work. Several people came to me, needing their little pick me ups before the weekend hit. So I had to make a stop on the way home. I quickly made all of the deliveries and rushed back to Bella. Part of my cut for this shit was some new pills that I knew Bella would love.
I rushed in and found her lying on her stomach, knees bent with her feet crossed up in the air. She was engrossed in some cheap romance novel. I stood watching her from the doorway, she twirled her hair around her finger and blew bubbles with the gum she had in her mouth. She was wearing a pair of my boxers that were rolled down at the waist and a wife beater that was probably mine as well.
My eyes roamed over the flair of her hips and the swell of her ass. I watched her back rise and fall with each breath, her breasts squished between her and the couch. My mouth watered just remembering how they tasted in my mouth.
I dug a small white pill out of the bag and palmed it. The rest of the bag I shoved into my jacket pocket. Bella's eyes twisted to mine when she caught my movement in the doorway. Her sweet eyes lit up and she made move to sit up. By then I was right next to her and slid the pill into her mouth. I handed her the beer that was on the coffee table so she could swallow it without difficulty. Her eyes closed when she swallowed and pure bliss passed over her face. I took the book from her hands and laid it open on the coffee table beside the discarded beer. Bella folded her arms and laid her head down on top of them. Her breasts called out to me so I ran a finger down the swell that peeked out the side of her body and saw her shiver at the touch. I grabbed her leg and used it to flip her over onto her back. Her hands remained above her head; one of my large hands dropped down onto both of hers and held them in place.
Bella's eyes dilated, and I could tell that the drug had already wreaked its havoc on her body and mind. Her legs dropped open slightly; this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. I slid my hand up the wide opening that my boxer leg provided. Two fingers pushed into her and she arched her back up off of the couch. I bit her nipple through the thin shirt, it pebbled up immediately. Her body was so responsive and I loved to see how she reacted when I touched her.
In my head I called her Muirnin. It's what Pops always called Gran. It means sweetheart in Gaelic. Gran's face always lit up when he called her that. I wanted to see Bella's face light up that way but I was too chicken shit to ever come out and say it to her. We just weren't that couple, at least we weren't back then. I think what it boiled down to was that I was too afraid to open up to Bella. If I showed her that side and she didn't like it…well that would change what we had, and to be honest what we had was the only thing holding me to the earth. She was the only thing holding me to this earth. I had given up on the rest of it. I would never be a suave gentleman like Pops, I would never be a hard working, valuable employee like my dad and I certainly would never be the likable athlete that Emmett was. I was the asshole, a tough, tattooed asshole. That was what I had and I used it every chance I could. Truth be told, deep down inside I wanted to be all of those, it just never came to pass.
I took my hands off of Bella and ripped the wife beater she was wearing right down the middle. My tongue roughly licked at her nipples. The hardened little peaks let me know that she liked the aggression. "You like it rough baby?" I panted against her nipples. She smelled so good. How the hell she always smelled so good when we never had shit to make her smell that good was beyond me.
"Unf." Bella's head thrashed and I felt her body closing in on my fingers. I knew she was close. I may not ever buy my girl flowers or jewelry but I could give her this. This I was good at. I increased my pace and bent my finger forward. I watched her thrashing increase.
"Fuck yeah, baby. You wanna come don't you?" Her head stopped thrashing as she nodded it up and down. "Not yet you don't." I pulled out and dropped down onto the floor beside her body. I grabbed her legs roughly and pulled her towards me. The boxers were also ripped off, but who the fuck cares about them when my girl's pussy was inside and I was dying to get to it. I threw her legs over my shoulders and let her feet rest on the coffee table behind me. I licked her, keeping my eyes locked with hers. Her moans increased and she raised her ass up to meet my mouth. So, I licked her again, slower this time.
"Please…" I was pleased that I knew her well enough to make her beg. I loved to hear her pant and sigh in pure sexual bliss combined with the torture of waiting to come.
I attached my mouth right on her clit, my thumb just above it holding her lips out of the way, my fingers dove deep back inside of her. The moans became full on shouts and her thrashing began to get wild. My fingers pumped until I felt that tell tale tightening again. I pulled out again; Bella groaned in frustration, I smiled because I knew what I had planned for her. I took one hand and spread her lips open wider and the other hand and traced around her opening in slow circles. My mouth slid back over her clit and sucked while I flicked it with my tongue. Bella's legs tightened around my head. My finger slowly dipped slightly in and out of her, never in far enough to give her the satisfaction that she wanted. I backed away and watched Bella's pussy pulse with her need and excitement. I flattened my tongue and gave her clit a few more slow licks, then suddenly curled my fingers inside her and rubbed her just the way she liked it. She came all over my fingers and into my mouth with shouts of joy and release. I loved watching her when she came. All of her problems melted away and she was in a state of true bliss for just a few seconds while the feeling lasted.
I unbuckled my belt and pushed my jeans down. No worries about any underwear, hell I gave up wearing those long ago. Bella never did the fucking laundry enough to have clean ones so I just stopped wearing them. Her pussy was still quivering when I lined myself up and slid home. Bella gasped and tightened her legs around my waist.
"Oh, fuck yeah, fuck me." She growled. I leaned down and kissed her dirty mouth with mine. She sucked my tongue into her mouth and cleaned herself off of me. "God, I love to taste myself on you." This was not a fact that surprised me at all. Every single time I went down on Bella she sucked it off of my tongue.
"Then come here." I pulled out and stood up, my dick swinging right in front of her face. She pulled me closer and wrapped her hand around me. She pumped the base while her head bobbed down over my head. Bella's fucking mouth was pure wonder, she could suck me off in no time flat. This was the first time I had tried this but the extra incentive her tasting herself on me was certainly not hurting anything. She was sucking harder, wrapping her tongue around the head and getting into every crevice where her juices could've hid. I placed my hand on the back of her head and tangled my hand in her soft hair. Bella relaxed her jaw and allowed me to begin the rhythm that would bring me my happiness. I pumped into her mouth slow but deeply. I felt the buzz, the electricity, the hum spread throughout my body and focus it's power right in my balls. I moved deeper in her mouth and began to pulse in and out, relishing the feel of the back of her throat bumping my cock. Before I could say a word I shot my load deep into Bella's throat and I felt her swallow around me. The tightness of her swallowing was almost enough to make me want to blow another load into her.
While the sex was always hot between us I recognized it for what it was. SEX. There was no love, no love making and I felt that Bella deserved to have someone make love to her.
I threw my palms over my eyes and pushed as hard as I could. I prayed that she would give me another chance. I wanted to show her that I could be decent to her, to be worthy of her. I knew that no matter how hard I tried I would never be perfect but I knew that I could be better than I ever was. I also prayed that I would have all of my new habits in place by the time I got out of here so that I could rely on my routines to help keep me straight. That was the part that always scared the shit out of me…the failing.
I stood abruptly and paced around the cell. Eleazar and I discussed the setbacks and how to deal with them but they still scared me. I knew without a doubt that I wouldn't relapse in jail but out there…back to my old life, with my old friends. I had no idea how I would do. I knew that I had the keys to cope better than before but could I withstand, out right withstand all of my old vices? I knew that I had more inspiration than ever before and I would rely on her to help me make it through. I would never put Eavan through what Bella went through, I would give my life to make sure that she lived better.
I dropped back to the thin mattress and begged for sleep, anything to take me away from the hopelessness that I felt right now.
I stepped into the visitation room and scanned the tables for someone that belonged to me. I noticed my dad sitting in the far corner, for whatever reason he always sat there. I guess it made him feel safer, who the hell knows. I was just thankful for his visit.
After Eavan's arrival, three weeks ago, I spent most nights thinking about her and Bella, but I also spent a great deal of time thinking about my mom and dad. Emmett's visit showed me that what I always thought to be truth was in fact smoke and mirrors. So now I needed to know where I stood with them as well. I rushed to his side and gave him a hug. He patted my back and we stepped away from each other. His smile was large as we sat across from each other and began to talk.
"How's Eavan?" I asked. Dad laughed at my quick questioning.
"She is growing like a weed and she looks just like her momma but with her daddy's hair." He ruffled mine and I couldn't help but laugh. It pleased me that she had some of my features even if I'd always hated the part she inherited. "I brought you some more pictures." He handed them over to me and I held them up for the guard to search through. I had no idea why they thought my parents would bring me any porn or contraband but I guess it has happened enough that they couldn't take any chances anymore. The guard searched them and several times a small smile crossed his face. Each time made me more anxious to see what they held.
Picture by picture my smile grew larger than the guards. This was my daughter and I could see so much of Bella in her. My dad's words brought me out of my Eavan induced daze.
"Emmett tells me that he came to see you. How did that go?" He looked reluctant.
"Very well, actually, it was the first time since we were older than ten that we talked to each other. I had him pegged so wrong. So wrong." I shook my head at all the ways that I was incorrect about Emmett.
"How so?" My dad pushed.
"Well, I always thought that he hated me and wanted me out of the way. I thought that you guys compared me to him and I always felt like I never measured up at all. Those two things were a large part of my anger. Emmett set me straight." I left it at that. What Em and I shared with each other was between us and I knew that my dad would respect that. He would be satisfied with just knowing we had made amends. Nothing more was needed.
We sat for a few minutes in silence, it wasn't necessarily awkward but I did wish we had 'things' to talk about, every day things, ordinary things. I guess I couldn't complain, we were talking after all. That was a huge improvement over a year ago. We didn't speak at all then. Funny thing is that he came to me, he forgave me when I was the one that caused it all. The night the fire happened he came to the station and didn't leave my side till the cops kicked him out. He never let the so called issues I'd built up in my head keep him from being there for me. I felt unworthy of his love. Yet at the same time after seeing Eavan, I knew exactly what he felt. I didn't know if the love grew bigger over the years or what but I certainly knew that I would do anything for my daughter and I could see the same dedication in his eyes. I wanted to throw my hands up because now I could see the devotion, when it was too late to stop the madness that circled around us; but I also saw the acceptance in his eyes as well, the acceptance that showed me that he would gladly take me in when I was done paying my debt. I reached over and gripped his forearm and gave a slight squeeze to it. His eyes met mine and our souls talked with just that small contact. He smiled and laid his hand on mine. After a second he snapped it away and we began to talk like nothing happened.
"So, I talked with Eleazar today. He had an interesting suggestion for my career focus."
"Oh, yeah? What did he suggest?" My dad asked. His thumb nail sliding along a groove that someone else had carved into the ancient tables.
"Well, see I have been working with him and a few of the younger guys that have come in here. Eleazar asked me to talk to them about why they were here and all. So, I did." I half shrugged, not really sure if I should offer more or if he would understand based on what I said.
"How did that go?" His thumb was now still, he directed all of his focus on me. I felt like I should square my shoulders and hold my head higher. His confidence in me boosted me up and gave me the strength to say the rest.
"It went great, I loved it. I didn't solve all of their problems by any means, but hell it did help. One kid told me to my face that it helped. He said the only people he'd talked to before were pompous stuffed shirt assholes who didn't know shit about where he came from so why should he listen to them telling him how to get the hell out of there? But he said since I had been, that it was easy to believe that he could climb his way out too." I paused. I wanted to finish, I wanted to tell my dad how I went back to my cell and cried. For the first time in my life I cried. I couldn't fucking help it, he made me feel worthy. He made me feel like I had hope, a way, a life that was better than greasy carburetors and alternators for the rest of my life. I meant something to him and I fucking cried over that shit.
"But?"
"Nah, no but. I just….I just felt, I don't know. I felt like I was somebody. Like I was here to do something and not just waste away in some garage fixing cars that will only be back the next month with a new problem. I did that." I grabbed a cigarette and stuck that bitch to my mouth. I moved the pack around and looked for a way to light it when my dad's hands flicked up and lit it for me. I paused mid drag on the cigarette and met his eyes. They sparkled with amusement, wonder and something else but I wasn't sure what that one was. "What?" I asked.
"Nothing, I've just never heard you talk like this before, it's good. Real good." I drew in and held the smoke in my lungs. "I thought you were going to quit those things." He stated patting the pack that still lay on the table and effectively redirecting the conversation.
"Yeah well when you take away a good woman, a good shower and good food what the fuck else does a man have?" He laughed with me and gave a half hearted punch to my arm.
"Fine, but eventually give those up okay?"
I heard the shuffling of feet and realized that our time was over; somehow we had talked for two hours together. I don't think that up till this point we'd spoken two whole hours of conversation since the time I was ten until the night of the fire. It felt good, I felt close to him. He stood and came around the table. He embraced me and I wrapped my arms around him.
"I'm proud of you son. More than you will ever know." I heard the tears in his voice and I squeezed him harder.
"Thanks, dad. I love you." The words flew out there before I could process them. It was truly a matter of my heart speaking for me.
"I love you too, Edward. I think Eleazar has a great idea there, look into it, okay?" His words were muffled by the emotion and hindrance of speaking into my shoulder, but I understood every word and felt them without any barriers.
"I will, dad. I will." He backed away and turned to walk through the doors that would take him back home. He turned and looked at me again, he smiled, he waved and he left.
I walked out feeling lighter, freer and ready to really pursue my new focus. Helping others.
I ran all the way to Eleazar's office and waited for him to finish up with his session. It was ten minutes till the hour so I knew that I didn't have to wait that long. When at last the door opened and he stepped out I stood and almost charged at him. My anxiousness to tell him my decision fueled my body.
"Come in Edward, is everything all right?" He ushered me in and wrote my name in the sign in book before he closed the door.
"I saw my dad today." The rush of my voice could have been mistaken for anxiety so I wasn't surprised when Eleazar's brows began to scrunch up and he grabbed his pad. He flipped to a whole new page and began to write. "No, not in a bad way, actually, in a great way. We talked, about lots of things. I told him about helping out with the younger guys and how it made me feel." Eleazar raised his eyebrows at this remark but I just rolled my eyes at him. It was his fault; he was the one that kept asking me how I felt about things until I told him. He couldn't blame me now if I was analyzing my own feelings and asking the guys how they felt.
"So, what did your dad say about this?" He never looked up at me, he kept writing on his pad. I used to think that was a bad sign but surely today it had to mean good things, progress or something.
"He said it seemed like a great idea. If I was happy with that decision then he would be."
"He said that?" Eleazar's eyebrows now shot up and almost touched in the middle.
"Well not in so many words, he said, 'I think Eleazar has a great idea, look into that, okay?', so that's what I'm doing. I'm here to look into that." Eleazar's smile foretold his happiness at this decision and we spent the next hour talking about courses and which online school to look into to pursue my new dream.
When I was done at his office, I ran back to my cell and drug out my trusty pen and paper. I had to tell Bella. I was kicking myself now for not telling dad to tell her that I would call her tonight. We had been talking every other night and this was an off night for us, but tonight of all nights I needed to talk to her, I needed to share with her. About three lines into the letter I realized that my head was way ahead of my hand. So I stopped, I looked over at the clock. We still have an hour and a half before our dinner was served. That was plenty of time to call Bella. If nothing else I could leave her a message that I would call her back later tonight.
When the phone rang I got nervous again. I was relieved to have my mom answer it. We talked for a little while and caught up, actually she caught me up on all of the cute antics Eavan pulled each day and I listened. After a few minutes I asked if Bella was home. Mom said goodbye to me and went to get her so we could talk as well.
"Edward, is everything okay? Why are you calling me tonight, this is our off night, what's wrong?" her voice was dialed up a notch.
"I'm fine, I just had something to tell you, and it wasn't coming across in a letter well so I decided to call instead. I'm sorry, I didn't think about how this would look to you." I ran a hand through my hair.
"It's okay, if you are fine then I can calm down. So what's your good news?" Bella's sweet voice called to me.
"How do you know it's good news?" I asked, amazed how well this playful side fit with us.
"Well your voice tells me it is, so spill."
"First tell me about my baby girl's day." I relaxed into the plastic chair that was beside the phone.
"Well she spit all over me, she has learned to blow a raspberry and she did it all day long. That girl will have some powerful lips by the time she is done with this. I had baby spit in my hair and all down the front of my shirt." Bella sighed.
"Yeah I saw the pictures that dad brought, one had her little face drawn up and her tongue stuck out with her clearly blowing a raspberry. She's beautiful, Bella." The last three words were spoken in seriousness, while the first part was said in fun.
"She really is." It felt good that Bella agreed with me. It felt like we were finally on the same page, I don't know why this one small agreement seemed to change it all but it did. In my eyes anyway.
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