Chapter 3

Playlist: Everybody- Keith Urban, Rude Boy- Rihanna, Apology- Safety Suit, The Space Between- DMB, Can't Get You Off My Mind- Lenny Kravitz, I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues- Elton John, Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer

The flashback is in italics, just in case that needs to be said.

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I don't know why I'm still surprised even angels have their wicked schemes,

And you take that to new extremes but you'll always be my hero…

Even though you've lost your mind!

Chapter 3

I lay in bed for almost a week. I shook, I threw up, I couldn't eat, I scratched, I picked, I hallucinated, I was cold, I was hot, I cried, I begged, I motherfucking came down off all of the shit that I had been ingesting for the last however many years.

Esme, God love her, sat with me and took care of me the whole time. When I puked in her lap she cleaned us both up. When I shook she held me, when I begged for Edward and cried because he wasn't there she soothed me. She stopped me from scratching my skin off and kept me from running out of the house more than once during my delusional fits. This was a real fucking mother, not that piece of shit that I grew up with. Not the one that abandoned me and took up with whatever guy would fuck her and buy her some take out.

Esme knew all of the right things to say to me and I swore to myself that I would come down off of this shit and never touch it again. I never wanted Esme to have to sit and hold me while I detoxed ever again.

I felt sorry for Edward, knowing that he was in sitting in jail for the arson, and he was all alone going through this shit. I never really knew how much he took or drank. I know it was more than most people but I also knew he had been doing it for so many years that he never seemed wasted with it. He always had this cocky ass 'I can take on the world' attitude. I loved his swagger, he was so sure of himself and it made me feel sexy that he was sure of me too. I know that seems so shallow to say but it fucking did. He was the king of our neighborhood, hell several neighborhoods, everyone wanted to be Edward Cullen or be with Edward Cullen. And he chose me, he flaunted me around like I was something that everyone should want. But damn could he get pissed when someone else looked at me for too long.

Edward and I had arrived at the Hub, a local bar that sometimes had live music and you could play pool in the back room. Lots of shit went down at the Hub. Peter, the owner didn't mind as long as he got a cut of whatever went down and no one got the cops called on them. Edward dropped me off at the table in the corner and took off to 'take care of some things', so I sat and drank.

I got bored and Edward was nowhere in sight so I popped a few pills and took off to play some pool. I knew my skirt was too fucking short and my top was too low cut to be playing pool but every so often a girl wants to be admired. I grabbed a pool cue and racked up the balls at an empty table. Before I could sink two balls, I had guests with me.

Two very helpful guys that offered to show me how to play. I flirted and agreed to their lessons. I knew Edward was somewhere around and I knew that he would stop anything from happening to me. So in my cracked out haze I went a little overboard with the guys and before I knew it one was trying to shove his hand in my shirt and his tongue down my throat.

I pushed him away but he was too fucking big for me to move. I tried to knee his balls but he was prepared for that and blocked me with his left leg. I was trapped between him and the pool table and couldn't see shit except for his nasty ass face that was trying to make out with mine.

I felt Edward before I saw him, he yanked the guy off of me and began to beat the hell out of him. Peter showed up and yelled at Edward for getting into a fight 'because the cops would be called for sure', so Edward and several of his friends tried to take the guys outside and finish the job. I heard one guy yelling about me letting my tits hang out and rubbing my pussy on his leg. I began to scream at him and tried to slap him. Edward grabbed my hand and twisted my arm behind my back. "You have done enough, take your ass home and stay there." He snarled at me. He shoved me into the arms of one of his 'boys' and I watched as he strode away still intent on finishing the fight.

I was driven home by the big burly dude that Edward pawned me off on. He stayed in the car on the curb till Edward showed up.

When I heard Edward come home I was in the bedroom, he didn't come in and I was too scared to go out to the living room where he was. I knew that if he didn't come see me it meant he was still too pissed to be around.

I undressed and threw on one of his wife-beaters and a pair of boy shorts. I made sure it was the black pair that Edward liked, the ones that half of my ass hung out of. I took off all of my makeup and lay down in the bed. My heart beat against the front side of my chest like a drum. I took several deep breaths and tried my best to calm my heart rate.

I almost accomplished this task until I heard Edward slam the door open, it stuck in the hole that was already punched in the wall.

This really was a shit hole that we lived in.

"Jesus fucking Christ Bella! I don't know how you could have been any sluttier. What the hell were you thinking?" Edward roared. I guess his time alone didn't mellow him out like I thought it would.

"I didn't do anything wrong, I was playing pool. They came up to me. I told them I was with you and they still wouldn't leave." I tried to sound innocent. My now sober brain knew that was far from the case.

"It's no wonder they didn't leave you alone, did you see your tits and ass hanging out. What the fuck made you think that outfit would be okay?" He took a cigarette and rammed it between his lips to light it. Once the flame was transferred he dropped the lighter back into his pants and ran his hand through his hair.

"You left the house with me and didn't have a problem with it. Besides it matches all the other skanks you oogle over when you think I'm not looking! Why do you like it on them and not me?" I threw the taunts out there and hoped they would stick. Sometimes I could distract him and we ended up arguing about things other than our original complaint, I had gotten off the hook many times this way. Besides the rumors were always going around about Edward fucking another girl in some form or fashion. To me it didn't matter if his dick was in her mouth, tits, ass or pussy- it was all cheating to me. Most of the rumors were false but every so often one or two would have just enough truth to it that it stung my heart to even consider that he might be doing this to me.

Edward stormed the bed and grabbed me up off of it. My legs unfolded and reached for the ground but they couldn't reach down the several inches that Edward held me up in the air. "I've already told you several times that I ain't fucking no one but you. Why do you listen to those skanks that are trying to fuck with your head?" He shook me several times before he dropped me back down onto the bed.

"You think you have me wrapped around your little finger, don't you?" I spat back at him. I hated it when he treated me like I had no sense. "I saw Tanya and Irina hanging on your every word and when she leaned up to whisper in your ear. Don't think that I don't know that she wants you. Cause she does." I scrambled off of the bed and charged over to where he stood smoking his cigarette. The smoke curled up and around his head like a magic cloud. "You can't play me like that, your dick ain't that good!" I turned on my heel and planned to march out of our bedroom but Edward reached out grabbing my arm with his full force. He held me in place with his hand as well as his steely stare.

I knew I had pushed him too far. He pushed me back against the door frame and pressed his body against mine. Within seconds my body responded to his. As much as I tried to withstand him I never could, his body spoke to mine in ways I couldn't deny. "So it ain't that good huh?" He ground his hips into mine and I whimpered at the contact. "It's good enough to make you scream and drip all over me." He licked my neck and blew across it. "You never say no when I fuck you with it!" He reached up and pulled my hair back to give him better access to my neck. I gave up fighting him at this point, it was no use, he knew he had me. His lips slowly drifted across my neck in an uncommon gesture and suddenly reached out to bite the spot he had just caressed.

"Bella, Carlisle is going down to the jail to see Edward. Would you like to go?" Esme asked as she smoothed my hair down, effectively snapping me out of my walk down memory lane. After five days of lying in bed it must have looked like a rats nest, but I didn't care. Part of me wanted to rush to him and make it all go away but a stronger, healthier part said 'hell no, I'm not ever going to look him in the eye again'. I just shook my head at her and she patted my head again before she left. I know that Esme looked in on me several times at night to see how I was. Carlisle put extra food on my plate and watched me eat like he was a warden at the prison. Even Poppy, Carlisle's dad, had begun to call me into his room in the evenings to sit and talk with him. He would always share his evening snack with me. I'm sure the fact that I had started vomiting almost everything I ate didn't help at all. I just couldn't stomach food anymore. I didn't want to be with Edward but yet at the same time I didn't want to be without him either. I lived on the fine line of insanity and normalcy.

Walking away from him only made the line thinner.

I had even taken to praying at night that somehow we would all wind up at the end of this stronger people. Anything else was too much for my fractured heart to hope for.

Several days later I was called into the precinct to give my statement. I went, gave it and left. Edward called several times a week, always speaking to his parents and sometimes his grandparents. But never to me. I didn't want to talk to him. I was scared that if I heard his voice I would go back. I would live the same life my mother lived, die the same way she did-alone, desperate, and drunk.

It scared the hell out of me to know that within an hour I would be standing in the same room with Edward. Not just in the room with Edward but a small room-a room where I could see him and almost reach out to touch him. Since he had pled guilty he wouldn't have a trial, he would just go before the judge for his sentencing. Part of me wanted to break down and tell him how much I loved him but the other part warned me that we both needed serious help before we could ever be healthy enough to be together.

I walked up the steps of the courthouse along with Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and Rosalie. We all looked so normal in our dressy clothes, almost like we should be heading to church. A snort escaped my mouth at the thought of me in church. All eyes turned to look at me and I looked back down at the ground. I'm sure each of them thought I was so close to actually losing my ever loving mind.

We made our way into the courtroom and sat quietly behind Edward. I felt Edward's eyes on me several times but he didn't attempt to speak to me at all, and I refused to meet his eyes. I was too afraid that my resolve would break down if I actually looked at him. So I stared at my shoes and listened to what the judge and lawyers had to say.

The lawyer for the state stood up and read Edward's charges. I didn't understand all of the words he said but it boiled down to Aggravated Arson because of the little girl that was injured. Both lawyers talked and talked and finally the Judge called an end to it all and called Edward to stand.

"Mr. Cullen, I don't see how a man with such a bright future could throw it all away like this. I'm disappointed in you, son, and saddened that you allowed your anger and rage to spill over and hurt innocent lives. The child burned in that fire will never live the care free life of a child again, they will never live a life that is free from other children calling them names because of the scars she will have to carry. You did that." Edward dropped his head and then raised it again to look at the judge. "I don't think you meant to hurt anyone, yourself included. I think that you let your emotions and anger get away from you. That, son, was your fatal mistake. A mistake that I can't allow to go unpunished and the law states that you have to pay the consequences…I'm giving you five years. This is the minimum sentence for this crime. I don't think that you're a criminal, I think you're angry and need to focus yourself. With good behavior you can be out in three to four. My advice to you while you are in there, son, is to use that mind of yours. Learn all you can, take courses, go to counseling and fix your life so that I never see you in my courtroom again, do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir. I do." Edward answered. His shoulders set, he almost looked proud of himself. At closer inspection I could see acceptance written across his body language. He had accepted that his actions had caused someone harm and was willing to pay for his mistake. I only hoped that he would do exactly what the judge advised and use his time wisely. Edward was brilliant, he could learn anything easily. I prayed that he would take the college courses, go to counseling, and make something of himself. Anything to make the pain that we both went through worth it if something good happened in the end.

When the judge dismissed the courtroom, which was empty except for us and the child's family, Edward was given a chance to speak to Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and his grandparents. I stepped back, after all of his attempts to speak to me by phone never panned out Edward knew not to ask for me. I heard whispers of encouragement from Carlisle, and Emmett. His grandparents just hugged him and kissed his cheek. Esme stepped up and held him in her arms, kissing his temple as it rested on her shoulder. I heard them speaking softly to each other, Edward asking about me. My heart stopped at his words. Esme tried to reassure him but his voice rose with concern, "Then why does she look like hell if she is fine?" Our eyes met over Esme's shoulder and I looked away quickly. I hear Esme assure him that with time I would heal, I just needed time. Edward's next words stopped my heart, "Please make sure she knows that I love her. I didn't show her the right way but I always loved her, tell her that, okay?" Esme nodded and Edward walked through the door and off to serve his time.

I slowly made my way back through the courthouse and down the same steps as when we used when we arrived. It was the same route as before but a part of me was gone now. Even though I wasn't ready to live with Edward and continue down the path we were on, it certainly didn't mean that my love for him stopped. It hurt me to know he would be away from me, from his family. It also hurt to know that we wouldn't have a chance to work things out between us.

I ran up the stairs of the house, right into the bathroom and threw up violently. I stayed in bed for three more days, throwing up everything I ate. Edward called but no one told him how I was. I don't know if he asked and they lied or if he didn't ask.

Rose came to see me on the fourth day I was in bed after Edward's sentencing, who knows how many days total it had been. She made me get up, shower and she took me to the doctor's office. Not a medical doctor, but a therapist. I didn't think it would help but I had to admit that even after the first visit it felt so much better to get those feelings off of my chest and learn that I was normal for thinking those things. I decided right then that I would be back and continue the therapy!

The next morning I was up at the crack of dawn, throwing up again. Esme called a doctor and made me an appointment. I walked in, signed in and the rest was a blur of activity. I walked back in the house when Esme was sitting everything down on the table for dinner. Esme called out to Carlisle and they both realized I was home at the same time. I felt Carlisle's hand on my arm and saw his mouth move but nothing else registered to my brain. I sat in the closest chair and broke down into tears. Someone held me close and rubbed my hair until the tears stopped.

"Honey, tell me what the doctor said, please you're scaring me." Esme pleaded. Esme had no idea of scared, I knew scared on a whole new level sitting there watching them look at me... Their eyes already worn down and weary after the whole ordeal with Edward and I was afraid that I would only add to that by adding one more mouth to feed to the house.

"I'm pregnant." My voice sounded flat and emotionless.

They shared a glance and remained silent. I stared holes in the floor, I couldn't take looking at one more person in my life that was disappointed in me. Esme's voice was soft when she began to speak. "Oh Bella, it's probably not the best timing but I know there is a reason that God gave you and Edward this baby at this particular time." The hopefulness in her voice pulled my chin up so that I could look into her eyes. The whole time my head took it's upward journey I begged for her eyes to hold the same hopefulness as her voice did. "Don't you worry, honey, it will all work out somehow. I promise we'll be there to help you every step of the way." I was rewarded with the sweet peaceful look that I wanted to see in my own mother's eyes so often but she disappointed me every time. Esme patted my arm and Carlisle placed his hand on my back and began to rub small circles.

"Bella, I have stayed pretty quiet throughout all of this mess. I know that Edward did so many things wrong." His shoulders lifted and dropped in a small sign of admittance of these deeds. "You both did. But there is no doubt that the two of you love each other. This baby is God's way of recognizing that love and giving each of you a reason to live a better life." His smile was not a full happy glow but it certainly was a long way from the disapproval that I thought I would get from them. I would take each and every piece of hopefulness that I could get. "I know that Edward will be so hurt that he'll miss out on so much but he'll be thrilled to be a father. Give it a chance Bella, I know you're strong enough to make it through this." Carlisle patted my back one final time then walked away, leaving Esme and I alone in the dining room.

"But you guys can hardly afford me here, how will you make it if you have one more mouth to feed?" I asked. I guess a life filled with regret and disappointment is a little hard to leave behind that easily.

"Well the good thing is we have a few months to find that out, don't we?" Esme's eyes still shone clear and bright, no signs of all the emotions I expected.

"Yeah, I should be due somewhere around May 12th. So we have some time."

Esme nodded then and called everyone down to eat dinner.

The emotions in the room seemed heavy all through dinner and it was obvious that each of us tried to speak several times, but nothing seemed correct in this situation. So I decided to break the tension, there was no need in everyone suffering with me.

"I'm pregnant, pass the peas please." I nodded at Poppy as his mouth fell open in shock. I could hear Gran's intake of breath.

"Oh, Bella." The words sounded uncertain but the look in Gran's eyes relayed her happiness at the idea of a little Baby Cullen here in the house with us. She hopped up and came around the table to me to envelope me in a hug. A large warm hug that made me feel for a few minutes that I just might be okay with this.

Poppy was next. His hug seemed to know my hesitation and attempt to ease that fear somewhat. This was the love and support I had needed all my life-not like the treatment that I got from my family. I know that my life would have been different if I had had this all along. It scared me to think that Edward had this all his life and yet he seemed as fucked up as I was. Before I could continue down that avenue of thinking, Gran and Poppy started talking all at once.

Gran's first question cut me to the core. "What does Edward think about being a daddy?" She turned and looked at Esme. "I hope he gets out soon so he won't miss the poor things first everything." Poppy understood me so well and began to rub soothing circles on my back.

"I haven't had a chance to tell him yet. I just found out." I stammered.

"Oh don't you worry dearie, you can tell him on his first visitation day." She blathered on and on. My mine never registered any words after those. I wasn't ready to see Edward yet. I wasn't ready to begin the forgiveness part. I still loved him but I was quite frankly scared to death to spend the rest of my life and my child's now, with a man who was capable of almost burning the house down around us. I needed to know that he was stable and not a threat to us any longer before I could even begin to forgive and trust him again.

Esme called everyone back to the table and we spent the rest of dinner time talking about the baby and baby stories like we were the average American family. I stared off in space most of the time trying to figure a way to make all of this work. I was scared to do this alone, without Edward. Hell I was just plain fucking scared, I did a lot of shit while pregnant with this baby. I had probably fucked her up for life there was no way of telling. I didn't deserve to be a mother; I didn't deserve the unconditional love that those small creatures give. I was mothered by Renee for crying out loud, what kind of example could I possibly be? I had no example to base my motherhood on, nor a way to know how well I could actually do this.

I tried to think of carrying it for nine months and then giving it away to someone else to raise. But somehow I couldn't see giving someone else a baby that was part of Edward. I lost him and now I was supposed to give away the only part I did have? I realized that I couldn't follow through on that option either, so that only left me with only one option…getting my ass in gear and getting a life in order for this baby...and Fast!