LTWYL-Chapter 8

Chapter 8-

Bella

It had been two weeks since my first visit with Edward and on my way to work this morning I found myself thinking of the countless letters and phone calls we had shared in that time. Sometimes I would get two or even three a day from him. He poured his heart out to me and I listened, and then poured mine back out to him.

It certainly didn't change what we had done to each other but it was a nice healthy step to being back to conversing like normal adults. I actually learned things about Edward that I never knew; he shared his childhood dreams, he wanted to be an architect and build skyscrapers, he shared his fears of being alone. We talked about our dreams and hopes for the future.

We also talked more about our time together and what went wrong. We both admitted that there were issues all along and no one spent the time to really fix them. Edward was so sure that if he spent time taking care of my basic needs and making me feel loved that he would solve his own fears and worries; but when it didn't it made him think that those worries and fears couldn't be fixed.

I on the other hand think that deep down I was too afraid to open up about my issues because it would be too much for Edward and he would be another in the long list of people that left me. I loved him deeper than I ever thought possible and was too afraid to let him in. I was too afraid to actually call him out on his mistakes and make him fix them; I was worried it would be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

We both had trust issues, we both had fear of rejection issues and we both had communication issues. The good thing, however is that we at least knew what our issues were at this point and we had time to work on them. We both also now knew how harmful it was to not deal with them so we made a pact that no matter how hard or scary it was we would always call the other one out when they slipped back into the old ways of dealing with things. It was certainly progress.

I got to see him two more times and each time it was more relaxed. The last visit we talked about the baby, and nothing else. Edward and I talked about names that we liked; but found that it was hard to do since we didn't know what we were having. We also talked about places to live and things that were in my future. It felt good to have him help me decide about some of those things.

Esme and Carlisle had sat me down to tell me that I was welcome to stay for as long as I wanted and we both thought that was the best idea for now. It would make things so much easier and cheaper for me to stay with them. Besides it would be providing the baby with a more stable family life with all of them around. Esme could also watch our little one while I worked or went to class.

Edward looked great, each time I saw him he was better and better. His face no longer held that hint of sadness or fear. His confidence was through the roof and it just made him all that much sexier to me. His smile did things to me that I shouldn't even be thinking about while sitting in a jail across from him with guards watching.

We talked about how and when he could see the baby. He had petitioned the warden to allow us to bring the baby to see him when it was three months old. That was the earliest that it was possible. It would need to be set up much like our visits are now, for safety reasons. Eleazar had agreed to be present and observe the visit and report back to the warden about it. We would have a three week wait to find out the answer to that petition. Otherwise it would be at two years of age before he would be able to visit with the baby. Edward was afraid that the visit would be denied. He was so scared that with him being here that he would miss out on his child's life. I assured him that he would miss some things but not everything and by the time he got out he would know his child and his child would know him. I would make sure of it.

It was such a pretty spring day. I sat on the front porch rocking in a swing. I noticed the blooms on the trees and all the flowers blooming in front of me. I longed to have my camera with me to take a few pictures. It was a perfect day for it so I dashed inside and grabbed my shoes and camera. I jotted a note for Esme that she would find when she returned from the store and left.

I walked down to the park. I had no need to hurry as I was on maternity leave until the baby came. It surprised me that it came so fast. It seemed like last week and I was running away from our duplex and now I was a few days away from meeting our child for the first time. I had the crib, blankets, clothes and all sorts of other things that you needed to bring a baby home. Really the only thing missing was Edward.

With each letter he sent me I got a feel for his excitement about our future. We talked more in depth about our faults. Edward admitted that his biggest regret was hitting me. The letter served as our precursor to the topics we talked about when I visited him. We both knew these topics were best discussed face to face.

I knew walking in that Tuesday that we would talk about the hitting. It was so funny that these topics just a few short months ago would never be brought up by either of us and now we counted down the days till we could discuss them. I understood why he did it and admitted that I had lots to do with the reason but he placed the blame on himself. He promised that he would never lay a hand on me ever again. I promised that I would never provoke him the way I did that night. That visit Eleazar joined us and we talked about a few extra things as well. We talked about our trust issues. Edward confessed that he was always certain that I deserved more than he could offer and was always afraid that I would leave him. I surprised him when I relayed that I was afraid of the very same thing with him. Eleazar talked us through the faults and how our lack of communication came across as jealousy and possessiveness on each of our parts. We discussed the importance of communication again and Eleazar left us alone to talk with each other.

Edward held my hand and eventually pulled me close. For whatever reason the guards looked the other way and never stopped him. I sighed into his chest and breathed him in deep. He still smelled like him and it comforted me beyond measure. I knew that he was still here, that I could still hold him and still talk to him. No matter what he was still walking the earth with me. The time and distance was only temporary.

When I pulled away I realized that Edward was crying. This was such a shock to me, I had never seen Edward cry, not once. "Edward?"

"I just feel so helpless right now. I let you down and our baby down." His hand dropped from around me to focus on rubbing my stomach. "I can't be there, I can't hold the baby as soon as it joins the world." He dropped his head to my shoulder and pulled me close again. "I'm so fucking sorry Bella. Please believe me." He sobbed against me. I ran my fingers through his hair and tried to soothe him. I knew it was a futile effort but I tried anyway. This was his demon that he had to fight. And while I could certainly help, I could never take it down for him. He would have to. I was proud of him for wanting to. I held him until the guards called time again. A quick glance at my watch told me that they had certainly given us as much time together as they possibly could. They never forced us to abide by the two hour time limit. I didn't know whom I had to thank for that but I was certainly willing to express my gratitude to whoever it was. It was never enough no matter how much extra they gave us.

I stood off to the side at the park watching the kids play and the trees sway in the wind. I took plenty of pictures and soaked up the sunlight. I couldn't wait to be back in this park with my child, pushing them in the stroller then in the swings later. I wanted to walk hand in hand with Edward and yell for them to slow down and not run so fast.

On my walk home I noticed that the dark, unfulfilled feelings were gone. I no longer seemed weighted down by the things that seemed so large before. I knew that my mother had fucked up in the biggest way. She allowed her snap decisions to rule her life. She was too weak to take charge of them and make the right ones. But that was her destiny, not mine. I was stronger than that. Maybe it was because of Edward's push and maybe it was something that I would have done all on my own, who the hell knows. All I can say is that I'm thankful for taking the first step.

I planned on going to see my grandmother, eventually. I knew that was one of the last steps that I needed to make, Jasper encouraged me to get it done. But a small part of me felt like there was more I needed to accomplish before I could take that step. I truly wanted to show her that I had made something of myself. I knew she would be happy that I was off all of the drugs; but a bigger part of me wanted to shock the hell out of her. To show her that all the insults that she yelled at me were unfounded. I know that I gave her every reason to say them, for whatever reason I pushed her away harder than everyone else. Now, I just wanted her to say that she was proud of me and mean it. I guess deep down inside we are all still small children who want simple things out of life.

I pushed the front door open and almost skipped inside. I felt so light and free. It only magnified when I heard Esme on the phone with Edward. "Oh wait, here she is. No you tell her, you have time left." Esme practically shoved the phone into my hands while taking all of my other stuff and dumping it on the table in her haste.

"Hello."

"Hey, baby, you okay?" His voice was so sexy. It was pure silk while still being rough sandpaper at the same time.

"I'm perfect, how are you?" The smile was probably infectious because when he spoke again I could hear it in his voice now as well.

"Damn near perfect myself. The warden came by to see me today." I suddenly sat up and took notice. This was the moment we had been waiting for. I held my breath, praying that the answer was the one we wanted. "He said yes, baby." I nearly jumped off of my chair and squealed like a pre-teen at a Justin Bieber concert. Esme's eyes shown with unshed tears and Carlisle came running into the room to make sure everything was okay. He threw his arms out in time to catch Esme as she threw herself at him.

When it was clear that I was going to keep jumping up and down-hard to do in my very pregnant state- and squealing, Carlisle took the phone.

"Son, why are the women in my house falling apart?" I didn't hear what Edward said in response but the smile on Carlisle's face said all I needed to know.

In mid jump a loud pop sounded and my water shot all over the kitchen floor. Esme and I both froze, Carlisle held on to my arms to keep me from slipping in the large amount of fluid now covering the kitchen floor. I yanked the phone away from Carlisle, I felt the need to be connected to Edward at this moment. I have never needed him more than I did right this moment. "Edward, my water just broke."

Panic and fear seized me, as well as a nice healthy contraction. I sat down in the chair that Esme slid towards me and held tight to Carlisle's hand. I needed reassurances right now and if Edward couldn't be there to do it then I would take it from where I could.

"Okay, baby, take a deep breath. It's okay. Goddamn it!" The agitation in his voice belied his pain at not being here with me. "I'm sorry, baby, once again I let you down."

"Hey stop that, this is our child's birthday and we will not be upset about it. Got it?"

Esme rushed back into the room, talking on her phone. I could tell by her phone conversation that she was on the phone with the doctor's office. "Bella, they want you to head over to the hospital." She bit her lip and her eyes squinted at the corners like Edward's. I could see the family resemblance in so many gestures, he was like Esme in so many ways, yet so different in so many as well.

"I don't want to go yet. I want to talk more with Edward." I whined. But it made my statement no less true. I wanted him to know as much and be present for as much as he could.

"Baby, go. I want you both at the hospital in case something comes up. I'll go talk with Eleazar and see what he can do for me. Maybe he can get the okay for me to call you back later at the hospital. Go, please so I don't worry about the both of you." The resolve was there but the anguish was right behind it in his voice.

"Okay, I just don't want to let you go yet." I cried as another contraction hit. Carlisle squeezed my hand. Esme rushed forward and even Gran and Poppy were fluttering around the kitchen.

"I know, I know. Please just get to the hospital. If anything ever happened…Bella just go, please."

"Okay, I'll have someone call as soon as we know something, I promise. I love you." I cried, not because of the pain in my stomach but the pain in my heart. I didn't want to do this without him. I just didn't.

"I know, baby, I love you too. Do good, okay?" His watery chuckle didn't fool me.

Poppy took the phone as Carlisle helped me stand up, Esme led the way out the door with my suitcase. I called Alice and Jasper when we were in the car. They agreed to meet me at the hospital.

A few short hours later, I found myself with my feet in the stirrups and waiting on another contraction to push. Esme on one side and Alice on the other, we all wait to meet the newest member of our crazy, fucked up family. I heard a knock on the door and Carlisle's voice calling out to Esme.

"A little busy here, honey!" She called back.

"Just come and get the cell phone, Edward's on here for Bella." All ears in the room perked up. I couldn't believe that he found a way to call me.

Esme rushed and grabbed it, slammed the door shut and ran back to my side. The phone was out of her hands and into mine before she ever came to a full stop.

"Hello? If's she's busy Dad, I can call back…it's okay…"

"Edward?" His voice stopped when mine rang through.

"How are you? Dad says you're pushing."

"How are you calling me?" He chuckled.

"That's what you want to know right now?"

I felt the beginnings of another contraction and tightened up in automatic response. "Oh shit, it's time." I panted. I could hear Esme and Alice both calling out instructions to me but the only voice that got through to my voice was Edward's.

"Push, Bella. I don't know what I'm supposed to say…just push baby. Get our baby, here. God, I can't wait to see you both."

I grunted and screamed in exertion. I wanted our child here while he was still on the phone and I didn't know how long he had. Dr. Jones called out to me. "Almost out, wow, I can see a head full of hair, take a breath and wait for the next one. That should be the one."

I heard Edward talking to someone, and then his loud excited voice break back into the phone. "I love you so much, Bella. I'm so sorry for not being there."

"How are you calling me?"

His chuckle vibrated through the phone and right to my heart. He seemed so carefree and easy now. "Eleazar took pity on me and let me call from his cell phone during our emergency session. How, do you feel?"

"Like I have a watermelon being shoved out of my pussy, Edward. How do you think I feel?" Again his only response was a chuckle.

"I'm sorry baby. Does it hurt much?"

"It's not so bad, just lots of pressure…oh shit I spoke too soon." I pulled my chin towards my chest and began to push again with all of my might.

"Good job, baby, push. Good job." I heard Edward's soothing voice in my ear while Esme and Alice counted for me.

Dr. Jones called for me to stop pushing.

"Why stop pushing, Bella, what's going on? Is something wrong?" Edward's voice seized in panic.

"Okay, now push again. Let's get it all the way out. One last push, I promise." Dr. Jones' voice answered before I could collect myself enough to even try.

I pushed and sure enough with one last grunt our child was born. With a loud wail from it's lungs, Edward and I both cried out too.

"It's a girl." Dr. Jones called.

I began to cry in earnest. She had a head full of crazy hair like Edward, it was almost his exact color but it was hard to tell because the nurses were still cleaning her off. She looked up at me and opened her bright clear eyes, blinking away the excess light. She looked exactly like Edward, her eyes were a cloudy blue but it seemed that most babies were born with that color so I would wait to see if she would indeed have his clear cool green gaze.

"Oh, Edward she looks like you."

Edward tried to answer but his sob was the only sound I heard. It was mingled with an occasional sob from our sweet little girl as well.

Alice and Esme snapped pictures like we were in an Annie Liebowitz photo shoot. "Alice take one with your phone so we can text it to Edward." Alice grabbed out her iPhone and began to snap pictures with that thing. The switch from one camera to another did not slow her down at all.

"Can we send you some pictures to the phone if that's okay with Eleazar?"

He asked and came right back to our conversation. "He said yeah, he didn't care." I could hear the pride in his voice. He was like a kid in a candy store that was going to get something way before he ever thought he would. Alice took the phone from me long enough to get the number and handed it back. She typed away furiously and began sending pics. Soon I heard Edward and Eleazar gushing at our beautiful baby girl.

"Oh Bella, she so beautiful."

"I know, she looks like you."

The nurses took her and weighted her and finished cleaning her up. She weighed in at 7 pounds and 6 ounces. She was a tiny little thing at 18 inches long.

"She's gonna be built like you Bella." Esme offered.

"I guess that's okay, she'd look kinda goofy if she was built like Edward." We all laughed at that comment.

The nurse called from across the room, "So what's her name?" I bit my lip, I hoped that Edward agreed with what I decided on.

"It's uhm…Eavan Adelyn Cullen." Esme and Alice gasped quietly in the background. The only response I craved was Edward's.

"Bella, that's beautiful, perfect for her. Eavan Adelyn Cullen." His voice worshipped each syllable as he said it.

"You like it? It's not one of the names we talked about but I saw it in the baby name book and loved it. Eavan is Irish it means Beautiful and Adelyn also means noble beauty." It sounded so stupid now to voice it out loud. I just wanted our daughter to know that she was beautiful and loved from the moment we saw her. Even before that. We loved her from the moment we knew about her. She brought us back together; she gave us a reason to try. "When I was a little girl I longed for my mom to tell me that I was beautiful or even a father to tell me. Someone to show me approval, I guess I took that need and wanted to correct that in our daughter." I tried to explain to him.

"No need to explain to me, I love it and think she is worthy of both the names that deem her beautiful. She is beautiful. And so are you." His quiet, deep, clear voice reminded me why I hung on to this relationship. He could be all the things that I needed. We could have it all. We just had to be patient for it.