LTWYL-Chapter 9

Chapter 9-

Edward

I sat staring at Eleazar's phone in disbelief. My baby girl was here and she was perfect, I couldn't have asked for more for myself; in fact this was so much more than I deserved. I knew without a doubt that the next two months would be hell on me, just waiting for the day when I could see Eavan in person and the thought of holding her made me want to rush the next two months along.

I remember as a kid waiting for spring break or getting out of school for the summer. Hell, I even remember the time that we went on vacation; the days leading up to us leaving were hard; add to it that I was six at the time it was the hardest thing I had lived through, at the time. None of those things would compare to what I was waiting on now. This was my daughter, my flesh and blood. She was made from the best parts of me and Bella.

She was here!

My mind just couldn't comprehend the fact that I was now someone's father. I was responsible for raising her, teaching her, and loving her. I never sat around much and thought about what my dad did or even my Poppy, now I wished that every word of their advice would flood back to me. It scared me to think that I needed to be smart enough to know when she was lying to me, I needed to know when she was telling the truth and I had to be smart enough to punish her when she needed it. I didn't remember the bits of advice that I was given as a teenager. I didn't even know where to go to get them. I was fucking lost. The smallest amount of doubt started to creep in and take root in my brain. Maybe I was better off leaving them alone, letting them find someone worthy of both of them; a man who didn't have a prison record and who could support them in the way they deserved.

I dropped my head into my hands and felt like crying, it was too much to take in right now. Right now I wasn't there to hold her and bond with her, I wasn't there to care for her and teach her how to live her life; but in a few years I was going to walk out of here and then waltz right into her life and be expected to do all of that. Was she going to hate me for being gone for so many years? Would she like me? Would she love me? I wasn't sure I could do this.

Eleazar dropped his big hand on my shoulder and shook me as he spoke. "Hey, what's running through that head of yours?"

I took in a deep sigh and tried to buy some time, I wasn't sure I could explain it all to him without sounding like a big pussy. "I just don't know if I can do this. I mean, I'm here and they're not. How do I walk in after being gone for several years and make things right? How do I do that?" I dropped my hands and my head again. I had fucked up so much.

"Hey, look." Eleazar just heaved a big sigh. "I don't have the perfect advice here, all I can tell you is that you have to allow your heart to lead you. You know what you did was wrong and you are paying for that. Bella sees the hard work you are doing in here, and she is working just as hard." Eleazar began to pace. He did this when he had a point to make and he wanted to make sure I was receptive to, I had learned this the hard way and tried to make sure to never make that mistake again. I sat up and fully listened to him. "She'll make sure your daughter knows how much you love her. She'll bring Eavan here to see you. You'll have a chance to make yourself known and to make sure that Eavan knows that you love her. Just relax man, take it as it comes, work hard at it and don't let it get you down. You are worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet." He patted me on the back a little harder than necessary but it certainly woke me up.

"Okay, you're right. Worry about this when it happens and not a moment sooner." I flipped open Eleazar's phone again and stared at my baby girl.

After several hours of staring, Eleazar kicked me out of his office so he could go home to his own baby girl. I floated through dinner and laid about three feet off of my bunk for the rest of the night. I dreamt about my two girls. I watched them play in a field of flowers. They ran and played, they laughed and giggled; and at the end of it all they both ran to me and dropped down in my arms. I had never felt more at peace.

The next week was the same. I called Bella as much as I could, and every time we spoke, I could hear my baby girl cooing or crying in the background and the peace I found in my dream remained. When I talked with Bella, it remained. When I listened to them talk or just when I sat and listened to her feed Eavan, it remained.

When Emmett showed up to visit me, it disappeared. I finished my lunch and rushed to the visitation hall, hoping for my mom or dad, really hoping for Bella but I knew that was unlikely. It shocked me to see him to say the least. He hadn't been to see me the entire time I had been in here. In fact we had only spoken once and that was just because he was at mom and dads for dinner, and Mom pretty much guilted him into speaking with me. As far as I was concerned I didn't have anything to say to him anyway so there was no need for him to waste his time by seeing me.

As I approached the table where he sat, he stood and reached a hand out to shake mine. I slowed and stared for a few seconds longer than I guess was comfortable because he dropped his hand. We both dropped to the benches and stared off in space. We stared at different space because I refused to meet his gaze. "Look, I wanted to visit. I don't know how to do this shit. I don't." Emmett stumbled out. I turned to look at him.

" What and you think I do? You think this is how I wanted it to be?" I grabbed a cigarette and crammed it into my mouth, lighting it up. "Sorry that I can't live up to your golden boy status. Sorry that I embarrass you in front of your friends, Emmett. But you know what? I don't answer to you or to them so…fuck you and them." I slapped my hands down on the table and used it as leverage to raise myself up when Emmett reached out and touched my arm.

"I don't…I, fuck. I'm not embarrassed by you, okay?" He stuttered again. My gaze traveled down my arm and up his to his face. He looked older, he looked stunned. He had tears forming in his eyes that he was furiously blinking away. I sat back down. I drew in a deep breath and forced the smoke back out. We sat there, him on one side and me on the other neither of us knowing exactly what we wanted to say. At least I didn't. "I brought you these." He dropped a large envelope of pictures down on the table. I held them up and waited for the guard to come and check them. After he looked them over and handed them back to me. I laid them out on the table and almost swallowed my tongue. It was pictures of Eavan, Eavan and Bella, Eavan and my parents, Eavan and my grandparents. All of them were of my little girl.

I couldn't help the smile that graced my face as I watched almost a full day play out for her. From the moment she woke up to the end of her day and Bella rocking her for bed in her sweet little pajamas. It was my girl.

"Who…who took these?" It was my turn to stutter.

"Rose did. She thought that you should see more of your little girl." Emmett waved his hand at the pictures and then pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a trait that we both got from our dad. "We both thought that you should." I didn't know how to respond to that last part. I didn't know if he really meant it or if he was covering.

I attempted to use some of the shit that Eleazar was trying to teach me. So I went for honest. "Do you mean that?"

"Fuck yeah I mean that. No matter what you did you deserve to know your daughter, to see her. I mean damn, Edward. What kind of person do you think I am?" His hands slapped down onto the table and he tangled them into each other. "We used to be so close. You and me, we're brothers, man. I love you." His voice dropped to a whisper on the last part. I understood and appreciated that shit, I didn't need anyone thinking that I swung that way in jail. I mean they knew about Bella and Eavan but still, when you're away from physical contact for a while it will make some people do things, and I didn't want any of these fuckers to think that I had got to that point. Emmett and I both glanced around to make sure that his voice was quiet enough. "I didn't leave you, you left me. A long time ago so don't pull this shit on me."

I sat back and tried to calm myself before we blew up at each other. I had really had enough of Emmett's shit. It was always Emmett did this or Emmett did that. I was sick of living in Emmett's shadow. He played sports, he got good grades, he was the golden child and I felt like I didn't matter in any way because he was perfect. "Em, you can't tell me that you can honestly blame me for pulling away from you. First of all you had your girl and didn't need me and secondly you never gave me a second thought." I felt just as frustrated as Emmett's face showed he was feeling.

"Edward, really?" I was starting to think that I might need Eleazar's help here. It didn't look like we were going to get real far on our own and I knew this was a relationship that I wanted to repair. In fact other than Bella this one took top priority on my list.

I took a deep breath and tried to start over again. "Look, this is one of those situations that you and I are going to see it two totally different ways here. I have my side of things and you will have yours. Let me start by saying that I never meant to pull away from you. I just…well I couldn't take living in your shadow. I couldn't be all that you were and the pressure of it was killing me." I rubbed both hands across my face. I was proud of myself for getting this far this fast but I wasn't sure that Emmett would be open to this conversation here in this place. It may just be too much.

"I didn't want it either. I'm sorry that you felt that way, I tried really hard to not make those comparisons between us, even if others did compare us. I really did." Em looked like a small child who had lost his favorite toy as his confession made its way out. "You were my baby brother, you could do no wrong to me man." He glanced around again.

"I know but damn." I tried to think of all of the breathing techniques that Eleazar taught me so that I could channel the anger and let it go so we could talk. "It was every-damn-where. Everyone knew you and when they heard my name it was an instant comparison. Then when it started with Dad and Pops, it was too much." I felt the start of tears begin to form.

"Why didn't you ever come to me and tell me how you felt about all of this?" Em held his hands up, a normal gesture but it seemed to hold so much emotion with that simple motion.

"Because I was 16 fucking years old and had no idea how to deal with this shit. I didn't know we could talk like this. I thought it was supposed to be me hating you, you hating me and we both were supposed to hate mom and dad." I reached for another cigarette and lit it. I didn't know what else to do with my hands. The smoke calmed me as it absorbed into my lungs. Soon, I would quit this shit too but first I had to get my issues dealt with and then I would be strong enough to let it all go. "I really just didn't know how else it was supposed to be. Besides it didn't seem like you wanted my opinion when you snatched Charlotte away from me." I threw the issue out in the open, if we were going to solve our shit then we were going to solve it all.

He drew in a deep breath and met my eyes. "Okay, let's talk about that then."

"Why?" It was the only thing I could think to ask him, I needed to know why my own brother would take her away from me. Then he dropped her like a hot rock and never looked back. She wouldn't ever look at me again after that. So yeah, sue me if I wanted to know why the first love of my life was taken away from me.

"Edward, there are things that you didn't know about Charlotte. She had some habits. Some destructive habits; and those habits caused her to do lots of things that she normally wouldn't do. Word around town was that she was pimping herself out the highest bidder for money so she could buy drugs. I didn't want you messed up in that." I had heard the same rumors around but the way she looked at me made me want to think that she didn't want me for that reason. That she felt more. "She probably liked you for you, but I was too scared to allow you near her. I was too worried that you would get sucked in with her. So I picked her up one day when she was walking home from school and made a pass at her. When she acted interested I flipped the script on her. I yelled at her and told her I would tell you that she was doing the whole football team if she ever came around you again. I made her cry and she got out of the car and ran away. It was shitty, Edward, but it was you or her, and I loved you more." He sat back in the seat and ran his hands through his hair.

I tried to take in the words that Emmett had just spoken to me. All this time I thought it was because he just was too worried about his own dick to look out for my feelings and it turns out that he was looking out for me all along. I mean hell, look at me now, who knows how bad it would be if I had been introduced into this lifestyle earlier. Most of my anger stemmed from that incidence and the other petty shit just added to it. And now to find out that the one thing I wanted from him was the motivation for the entire change in our relationship. When I looked up at Emmett he was staring back at me. His eyes pleading me to say the words I'm sure he had waited for so long to hear.

"Em…fuck." I started. I wanted to let it go, be the bigger person but years of hurt just didn't go away in a few seconds. "Why didn't you tell me then?" I realized that all this time I sat and let my cigarette burn down to nothing. I had only taken one drag off of it, but my brain was just too occupied with the revelations to worry about it, so I lit another.

"I was scared. Scared you wouldn't stay away from her, scared you wouldn't understand, scared that you would hate me and not speak to me anymore." He chuckled a little under his breath. "I guess I should have just come clean 'cause it doesn't look like my way got me real far, huh?"

"You can still hate me if you want, I know I fucked up. But please believe me when I say that I did it for you. I swear." He had leaned forward as far as the table would allow him, so I sat back a little. I wasn't sure if I was really ready to forgive him.

"I guess I'm certainly no one to judge how bad people fuck up, I mean look at me."

"Yeah, so lay off dude!" Emmett fake punched me in the shoulder and we both started to laugh. I knew that this was not solved but at this point it was okay for now. I could live with it. I would need time to figure out how I felt about it anyway.

"So tell me about Eavan." I grabbed the pictures again and flipped through them.

"Man, she is the greatest baby in the world. I mean really, I know she's not mine but she makes me think that this baby thing might be okay to try. She has the cutest cry and when you pick her up she stops. I mean stops cold, no slow down or nothing just stops." His hands waved around proudly like he was the father and not the uncle. My heart swelled knowing that my family felt for my girl the things that I felt for her. Emmett began to tell me all these cute stories about things she had done and all I could do was sit back and watch him come alive while telling me. My heart told me that a man who could love my child in this amounts could not hold any hate in his heart for me. I knew that without a doubt we would be good, I just needed some time to work things out in my mind.

When my time was up I stood and hugged Emmett goodbye. "I promised that I will be back soon." He said as he hugged me and gave the manly pat on the back.

"You better! Tell Rosalie thanks for the pictures, they mean more than she will ever know. I know that Bella won't have time to think of things like that for awhile, so it means a lot."

"Sure, like I said everyone deserves to know their kid, especially when their kid is so great." He smiled again and you could see the love there.

"Yeah 'cause she takes after me." I faked punched him this time and we both broke out in a good cleansing laughter.

I made my way back down the hall and showed the pictures of my girls to anyone that would look! I stopped Eleazar and showed him as well. He asked me about the visit with Emmett and made me promise to come and see him so we could talk about the new developments. I agreed and rushed off to my bunk to write Bella. I changed my mind half way and turned towards the phones. I dialed my mom and dad's house. When it was answered, I heard Eavan crying in the back ground.

"Hello?" My dad sounded frustrated.

"Dad, what's wrong, why is Eavan crying?"

"Bella took a walk and it's time for her to eat, so she is being impatient. She is just used to getting her way, that's all." I heard Eavan being shushed and heard her immediate response by quieting. I was in awe of her from afar.

My chest began to tighten when I thought of Bella and worried that something may have happened to her on her walk. "Is Bella supposed to be back by now?"

"Nah, your girl is just impatient, that's all." Dad cooed at her while he talked to me.

"Is it safe for her to be out there alone and all I mean, she did just have a baby." Panic flooded me at the thought of something happening to her and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

"Edward, she's not alone. Alice came by, they walk each afternoon together, so Bella can get some exercise and a breather, they call it 'girl time'. Sometimes even your mother goes. Today she took Pops to the doctor so just Bella and Alice went." I sat quiet for a few minutes, listening to my dad coo at Eavan and thinking about the life Bella had without me.

"Is she doing okay, really?" My voice softened when I asked.

"She is son, she really is. I'm really proud of her." He shifted the phone and coo'd at Eavan again before continuing on. "She has done so well at school and now you should see her with Eavan. She just knows what to do for her, she's perfect at it." He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She's trying for you, to do something that you'll be proud of her for and for Eavan as well. Don't let her down okay?" I thought this over and realized that all of my actions centered around one thought, would Bella and Eavan be proud of what I'm about to do? "I don't mean that you're not trying but it's hard when I see her everyday and not you. You know?" I ran my hand through my hair as I took in what he was saying.

"Yeah I do, and I thank you for looking out for her, it's about time someone put her first." I took a deep shuttering breath. "Thanks for that, I swear I'm trying here."

"I know you are, son, I know." As the awkward pause began I heard a noise and prayed that it was Bella coming back. I was just so scared for her to be out alone, even if she was with Alice.

"Speak of the devil, here she is." I heard dad say 'it's Edward, you talk to him and I'll hold the little pumpkin a little longer, okay?'

"Edward?" Her sweet voice sounded so close but my heart told me she was so far away.

"Hey baby, how are you?" I wanted her close to me; I wanted to be there with her.

"Fine, Alice and I go walking every evening for a little while. Esme says it does me and her both some good when I take a little time for myself. I don't like to be gone that long though." She chuckled.

"Dad told me, it's fine Bella you can't be with her twenty-four hours a day. You deserve some time with your girls." I chuckled at dad's words.

"Oh, I see you have been talking to your dad. Well smarty you'll appreciate the walks when you get out and I'm not a fat ass, so there." She blew a raspberry into the phone at me. I turned towards the wall and hid the semi woody she gave me when she mentioned her ass, no matter if it was fat or not.

"Bella." I groaned while she laughed at me.

"Sorry, I didn't think about that before I said it." She chuckled some more at me while I thought of the time I walked in on Grans getting out of the shower. "Hey, Eavan is really hungry and I think I should go and feed her." I heard the indecision in her voice about the end of the conversation.

"I have time, can you take her upstairs and use the cordless up there so we can talk some more?" I really wanted to be with her, even if it was in this simple way.

"Sure, give me a few, I'll have your dad hang up down here when I get up there." She dropped the phone down on the table. I knew this drill; we had two phones in the house. The one in the kitchen was still attached to the wall, it sounded crazy in this day and age but for whatever reason my parents never changed that one out. The one at the top of the stairs was cordless, as teens Emmett and I made the same trek as Bella was making now. We would run upstairs and yell at the top of our lungs for whoever was downstairs to hang up so we could talk in private. When you're a teenager there aren't too many conversations that you want to hold while attached to the kitchen wall with your parents in hearing distance.

Soon enough I heard Bella pick up and dad hang up. It was just the three of us. Bella positioned Eavan and began to breast feed her, all the while her noises filling me in on what was happening even without Bella's running commentary. Once Eavan was properly situated, we talked about our day. I relayed Emmett's visit and Bella seemed overjoyed at the thought of the two of us repairing our relationship. I looked forward to the bond we used to have and getting that back again but I was too just too damn big a pussy to tell her so. She relayed every detail of her day with Eavan. I was blown away at how her instincts were so strong when she had the shittiest mothers of all times. I told her that fact and she just brushed it off. "Edward, it's a matter of loving them enough to get to know them."

"What do you mean getting to know them?" I asked, kinda stumped at that comment.

"Well, see I know that Eavan sleeps better if you wrap her up tight in her swaddler. I know that she likes to look at your face when you talk to her, not look out at the room. I know that she likes for you to rock her and you can rock then sway gently from side to side to soothe her when she gets upset or too tired to calm her down. It's almost as if she is soothed better by actions than words or songs." Bella paused for a second like something had just occurred to her but continued before I could ask her why. "And see, I know those things about her because I love her and pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. Those are a few things that your mom taught me. I sure as hell didn't learn it from my mom." She sounded frustrated again.

"Hey, it was her mistake not yours. Okay?" I wanted to soothe Bella and hoped that my words were enough; God knows there was nothing else I had to offer her at this moment. I felt so damn helpless. She told me all about Eavan, and her day, she told me little things that went on in her life. I couldn't reciprocate any of those damn things. I couldn't be there with her laughing, crying or just holding her to help her get through all of those times. It was so funny the irony in my life now, years ago I would rather walk out on a situation than to sit and talk about it and now, hell, that was all I had was my words. "I just hate that I'm missing out on those things with you."

"It will happen for you, I swear it will. She will love and know you. Talk to her." I started to sputter but Bella stopped me. I saw no point in talking to her when Bella just said that she responded to touch, and movement better but I would do anything to feel closer to my daughter. "Talk to her so she can hear you and know you. Just tell her anything, she a good listener."

"Okay, put the phone up to her." When I was sure that it was Eavan on the phone, I began to talk to her. It was funny the shit I told her but I knew what Bella was saying, it doesn't matter what I say just that I took the time to talk to her. The fact that she will know my voice. Pure and simple that we knew each other.

Bella came back to the phone after about twenty minutes. I had moved on from talking to singing to her. I sang each slow, peaceful song I could think of. "Hey, you put her to sleep. Good job, daddy." I heard Bella moving around. "She usually gets her bath now but someone nixed that idea. Guess she'll make it to tomorrow without a bath." I heard her changing her and I guess putting on her pajamas. She kissed her little head as I heard the lip smacks before she said, "We love you princess, sweet dreams."

I let Bella go so she could get some sleep as well. My life was starting to make sense and all I could think about was getting the hell out of here before it passed me by and I couldn't do a damn thing about joining in on it.