Bella
The next few days went well; I was so busy with dance that I didn't see Edward that much. We had to try out for a new production tomorrow and that always made my life even more hectic than usual. A new production meant that there would be extra practices and fittings for the costumes. This time was no exception. Mademoiselle wanted Jessica, Victoria, and I try out for Prima.
I danced for hours the night before; I wanted it to be perfect. It had to be, being Prima was all Renee talked about. How it would change where I would be able to dance this summer and how this would be an important time for me as a dancer. This was when all the really important dance troupes began to look for young new faces. Blah, blah, blah! I tuned her out and just focused on me. No matter who was in front of me, I danced for Edward.
I pictured the look on his face when I began to move. It was priceless. His eyes became large and joyful. His face settled into a lazy smile and his head bobbed to the music and my movements. I loved it, he made me feel sexy and special. He was why I danced.
As I stepped into the bathroom, I began to think of my plan to destroy our friendship and for once I didn't have to gag myself to bring up my dinner. It came automatically. I ran outside because I could be heard from my bathroom if I threw up. My brain kicked into high gear as I grabbed a juice bottle off of the counter as I ran by. I at least wanted something to rinse my mouth with so if I had to talk to anyone on my way back upstairs I wouldn't smell like a trash can. I stood in the little cubby hole that Edward showed me years ago by the trash cans and emptied my stomach. After I was done, I swigged the juice, swished it around and spit it out, then drank from the bottle again.
I heard the last thing I needed right now, I heard Edward call out to me. I tensed and waited to see if he would go away but his voice just got louder as he called a second time. Then he tapped me on the shoulder. I dropped the juice to the ground and turned slowly to face him.
He was dressed way different than I had ever seen him, of course I had never seen him dressed for a concert. Renee made sure that I never made it to one of those. I had no idea if he looked this way all the time or if this was a new look but I had to get used to it. It only made me realize just how far apart we had grown. There was a time when we knew everything about each other and now it saddened me to look at the large chunks of his life I didn't witness. It was further proof that I had to give him a chance to grow on his own and make his way.
The honesty written on his face made me say something that was totally opposite from what I had planned right then. "I'm scared, Edward."
Of course as soon as I said that he went all Captain Caveman for me and promised to kick anyone's ass that got too close. I stopped that thought with a head shake and a few small tears. I spilled my heart to him and told him all about my fears. How I was afraid that I would disappoint everyone, and the constant pressures I felt I was under.
He reassured me that this was just a case of me being too far inside of my head. I wanted to laugh but he stepped closer to me and nuzzled my hair, then my neck as he spoke. I lost all track of my thoughts, they just packed their bags and flew south for the winter because they were no longer in my head. I whispered the wrong word, I whispered his name. It encouraged him and before I could stop him he had his mouth against mine.
Now, I had kissed Edward before but never like this. His mouth pressed against mine and both sets of lips opened simultaneously. I felt his tongue slide into my mouth and I couldn't help but moan at the feel of him. The way his body invaded mine, the touch of his skin as his hand manipulated my neck and head to mold better with his face. The slight way his body pressed me against the posts of our fence. It was too much, yet not enough. I wanted it and so much more. But I couldn't have it. I had to get away. Yet my body refused to move.
His hands roamed my body and my legs acted on impulse, they tangled themselves around his waist and held on for dear life. He pressed his large hands, the very hands that I had watched so many times as he played the piano for me and fantasized about, along the curve of my ass. Our faces broke apart when we needed air and when my head dropped down to my shoulder for support, he began to kiss along my ear. His name fell from my lips, over and over again. The feelings were indescribable.
All thoughts were lost of the plan and how to enact it until his mouth snapped me back into reality. He begged me to love him, to be his, he even called me by his pet name…Princess. I had to stop this now. I couldn't promise those things no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. He deserved more. More than me, more than a dancer who had a crazy psychotic mother, more than a sick individual that made herself threw up just to be what other's wanted her to be. He deserved the best, someone that would encourage him, be strong for him and love him with her full heart like he deserved.
Distance, that was the key because as long as his body was tangled with mine in any fashion, I wouldn't say what I needed to say. So I pushed away and spoke before my heart could talk me out of it.
I told him about my needs and how I didn't have time for love, or him. I watched as his face crumbled, the pain clearly written there for me to see. I turned away and began to pace, I just had to get more distance so that I could finish what I started.
I raised my voice and spoke words that I knew would hurt him, hurt him badly. Bad enough that he would be stunned and give me a chance to leave without worry that he would follow me. I had to get away before I broke down and stayed with him. I knew that if I was honest with him and told him how I was no good for him then he would talk me out of it. I had to do this for him. He deserved better.
I jumped the fence and ran back into my house.
Thankfully, my parents were both upstairs, so I could make a clean get away up to my room. I shut off the light and threw myself into my bed. I ached all over, I had just pushed away the one person that loved me unconditionally. Not only did he love me but he professed that love, out loud. And I shunned him. I wanted to kick my own ass for that. But it was for the best!
The next day I danced, danced for Edward, even though he would never see me. I felt like I did well but I had no way to know until Monday when positions were announced. I wanted to celebrate but it felt wrong without Edward so I just danced in my room while I thought of him. It broke my heart all over again I felt so raw and wounded without him, I broke down in tears.
I should have known that he would see me, he always had a way of knowing what I felt and when I needed him. His face popped up in my window and I opened it without hesitation. As soon as he climbed in he had me in his arms. He asked me why I cried and like an idiot I was honest with him. I guess all these years that we have been friends, I just didn't know any other way. He was the one person in my life that I was completely honest with, all others got the fake me. My body must not have known when to shut it off.
I told him that I missed him and he repeated my answer. He held me when I cried and allowed me to curl into his lap to settle myself down. We talked about why this happened to us, and I finally spoke the words I need to say… "Because we love each other too much. It's too intense between us and the real world only wants to tear us apart."
He talked about our future but I had to shut that down. Eventually I would have to stop believing in the future and live for now. Otherwise I would spend my life on what might have been and never let him go. So, I pulled a girl move and picked a fight. I showed him all the obstacles and he tried his best to be optimistic about things. Until I pulled out the only card he couldn't trump. The 'you are not good enough for me' card, basically I told him that I couldn't give up my dreams for him. I yelled at him because he made me feel safe when he really couldn't promise that. I picked on him for smoking pot, anything to belittle him and make him run away.
I felt the tears as they burned the backs of my eyes. I hated myself and my choices. I hated the fact that Renee couldn't be happy with me as a normal child, instead she had to go and push her dreams off on me. I hated that I couldn't be here for Edward to support him like he had done for me all these years.
So I raised my voice one more time and all but pushed him out of my window. He had no idea that it really was because he needed to be gone before the tears started, not because I actually wanted him gone.
I heard him as he beat against something in his back yard. Each hit made me cry that much harder, the tears streamed down my face. I wanted to die without him. I couldn't make it, he was my everything. Literally, everything. But I couldn't ask him to give up so much for me, he had talent and he shouldn't waste it. I refused to let him waste it.
His Aunt Esme always said that if it was meant to be it would happen one day, I hoped she was right. I prayed that she had not just made shit up to make two stupid kids feel better.
The next few weeks were hell. I felt like hell, I looked like hell and I danced like hell. I wanted no part of it, I resented the ballet and I resented my mom because she made me choose the ballet over Edward. Then it dawned on me that if I had not chosen the ballet I would still have to let Edward go because he wouldn't be able to take me with him on the road.
So I decided I might as well occupy my mind with the only thing I had left in my life now. Dancing.
No comments:
Post a Comment