Bella
Years ago, Renee was a ballet star herself but before her name could be written in the history books she injured herself. Her dreams ended and she was forced to live a small town life in Forks. Her dreams came to life the day I was born. As soon as I could stand on my own Renee had me in ballet classes. I never minded, I felt so pretty in my practice tu-tu and my costumes for performances. Not to mention that I seemed to take after some distant relative and was graced with a heaping amount of uncoordination and clumsiness. So the dance helped with that as well.
At first it was one night a week for an hour. The older I got the more it increased. By the time I was accepted into the Forks Academy for Arts, I attended four nights a week for three hours and a practice on Saturday as well.
Elizabeth would bring Edward down to the community center while I danced and he began to take piano. We both took to our activities like ducks to water. Eventually our schedules matched and each night I took ballet, Edward would be across the center taking his piano lessons. It was the way we coped with being apart, we kept our mind occupied on other things and we were just fine.
Eventually Edward convinced his parents to let him learn other instruments as well. Ed and Elizabeth fostered Edward's music abilities and if it made him happy then they were happy. Renee was a different story. I was never allowed to even think about, much less take a dance class that was not ballet. Nothing modern or useful at all, in her words, 'no one ever made a decent career or money off such barbaric types of dance, Bella.' So that shut down that discussion.
I had to admit that I did like the way people looked at me when I held my toes at an exact point or my finger placement was perfect as my arm extended. I also had to admit that it helped with my ability to walk on a flat surface as well. It did not help me to make friends as Renee hoped. See all the upper crust of Forks attended and she hoped that I would make some girlfriends. 'It was sweet the way Edward and I followed each other around but I was getting older now and needed girlfriends,' were Renee's exact words to me.
The suggestions got more demanding the older we got. I think it was due in part to the fact that Ed and Elizabeth allowed Edward to express himself. His hair got longer and his music expanded to include genres of music that were outside Renee's comfort zone. Quite frankly it scared the hell out of me that I would one day lose Edward, no matter if it was because of my mom or to another girl, the possibility alone scared me. He got me, he never pressed me to be something I wasn't. In fact he encouraged me to be me, nothing else. He and I complimented each other, I made up for what he lacked and vice versa. Edward and I both had things we needed to overcome emotionally. That was part of why we worked, he supported me and I returned the favor.
It also did not help that the older we got the more attention Edward garnered for his looks and music. By the time he was in seventh grade he had formed his band Rage with Jasper, Garrett and Eric. They were good and that says a lot when we attended a school where everyone had a talent of some sort. They began to play regular gigs and developed a following. Eventually they learned how to make their own CD's and sold them. I watched from the sidelines as Edward tried to handle the new found fame. Renee never allowed me to attend the concerts so I never got to see it firsthand but I did notice the increased amount of girls that approached Edward during the day.
We both struggled…I struggled with Edward dividing his attention between me and his music, Edward struggled with the pressure of making music at the tender age of twelve. I mean look at all those rock stars that crumble when they are adults, so imagine the inability to deal with it all as a pre teen. I tried to be there but my ballet pulled me away at every turn.
Eventually it was the norm for us to do days, then weeks without seeing each other. We talked on the phone but it just wasn't the same. We both saw it happen but were helpless to stop it. When the pressure would get to be too much, Edward would sneak into my room and see me at night after my parents would go to sleep. He would tell me about his night, how the band played and about the different people that were in the audience to watch them. I hung on every single word.
Everything about ballet was very reserved, very sedate and elegant. Edward's music rocked, it was unapologetically loud and anti establishment. It was all the things I wanted in my life. It was freedom, it was chaos and I loved Edward all the more for having the guts to play what he wanted when he wanted to.
The first time Renee saw Edward with eyeliner and ripped clothes she forbade me to ever spend time with him again. So the phone calls stopped, in fact the phone came out of my room all together. She made excuses to not take me to get my driver's licenses and drove me everywhere I needed to go. Edward on the other hand was given the keys to a Volvo and he drove off with me watching out my bedroom window.
I still saw him from time to time but it was less often now that he had more freedom that his license granted him. It was also about this time that he stumbled into my room one night. Louder and stinkier than he had ever been. I almost had a panic attack, I just knew that Renee would catch him because of how loud he was and then I would never ever see him again.
It never occurred to me to be afraid of the fact that he now bragged that he smoked pot on a regular basis. I trusted Edward and if he said he was in control then he without a doubt was. Later I would find out how wrong we both were on that front. Dead wrong.
My own weight had become my problem. I was competing against Lauren, Victoria and Jessica. All three of them were skinny as rails and really tall. So my height worked against my weight. See taller girls could hold more weight and still look fairly thin, but not me. Every single pound showed on me, to me anyway. I heard a few of the girls talking about throwing up and let's be honest we have all heard of someone that did it. We were in ballet for crying out loud, it was easier to find someone that didn't do it than find someone who did. So I tried it.
It wasn't long before it was out of control. I couldn't stop myself. It made me feel stronger, like I had a handle on one aspect of myself. I was losing Edward, he was growing apart from me and his music was taking him places I would never go. I never really had a connection to my mother. I knew she loved me but deep down inside I knew that her brand of love wasn't completely right. And then there was my father. He was fine, normal, healthy and loved me with all of his heart. I was just too damn afraid to say how unhappy I was to his face.
See I was a pleaser. I would do anything to make those around me happy, including live a life that I didn't want. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved ballet. It made me feel strong, healthy and to a certain extent sexy. But I didn't want the other stuff that went along with it, the constant critiques, the demands to lose more weight, the long workout times, the pressure to be the best from all sides, the competition from all the other girls that want to be where you are, and the back stabbing to get to where someone else is. I didn't want all of that. If someone could show me how to perform and then go home I would be totally happy. I just didn't see that happening though.
I knew that I would need to let Edward go and let him move on with his life. I just didn't see any other way to do it but a clean break. I had my schedule and he had his. Our lives very rarely crossed paths any more. I tried to call him just because our usual form of communication, him climbing in my window, wasn't cutting it anymore. That didn't work. When I would call Elizabeth, she would tell me that he was still out here or there. I would see from my window all the people that came over, especially the girls. It may not have been that many but to me it felt like it was.
So I devised a plan to let him go and let him move on without me. I never wanted him to look back and say 'why did I stay with her' or 'just think of where I could have gone without her holding me back', nope I didn't want that. I loved him enough to let him go.
It just took me awhile to convince my heart to carry that plan out. I tried several times and several times I chickened out at the last minute. My heart tried to convince me to let him make the choice that taking it out of his hands all together was cruel. I couldn't decide for both of us. But my brain said do it now before either of you really falls in love- I didn't let my brain know that I was already hopelessly in love with Edward Masen- and let him move on.
I just wasn't sure I could survive that break. I relied on Edward for too many things. I knew I did. He became my only friend and my confidant. He became my source of encouragement and support. He became my life.
I could be and would be happy with my dance. That would be enough and I would let Edward go so he could enjoy his life too.
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