Chapter 9- I Need To Get Home

Chapter 9- I need to get home

Bella

The next few hours were a whirlwind of activity. I had decided I better stop at work first as I was now late for my shift, I spoke with my supervisor who told me to take as much time as I needed. She assured me that I would always have a job when I was ready to return.

I was also able to speak with my Professors; they each gave me several reading assignments and papers to write. Because of the mitigating circumstances they understood that I would more than likely not be back before the end of the semester and instead of taking finals they each assigned me an additional paper to complete, I would just e-mail the papers by the agreed upon dates. This allowed me to complete the semester with full credit and honestly gave me one less thing to worry about. I only had about a month until we left for winter break so I could finish up with ease in Forks.

When I finally made it back to our room, I sat watching Angela as she packed my clothes into a suitcase. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to have a friend like her; she has been incredible to me.

I called Charlie to tell him the flight time and number that Ben booked me a seat on. I was a little worried about flying after hearing about Renee and Phil, but honestly how else was I going to get back to Charlie.

I called my Doctor and told them what happened. I asked if I needed to worry about flying at this stage in my pregnancy, I also canceled my appointment for my monthly check and my 20-week ultrasound. I was really looking forward to this appointment, my first ultrasound was at 12 weeks and the baby looked more like a sea horse then a baby. The Doctor assured me that it was very safe for me to fly at this time and called me in a mild sedative, stating that it will not only help me with the nerves on the flight but will help me deal with some of the stress. That of course reminded me that stress isn't good for the baby so I was grateful for him being proactive. He instructed me to take one tablet when I get on the flight and verified that I had someone pick me up at the airport just in case they hadn't worn off before I got there.

I decided that with everything that was going on I needed to call Alice, I needed my best friend, and while I really wanted to call Edward, I figured it was best to start small. I had about four hours before my flight when I called Alice, as soon as I heard her voice I lost it; I just started crying uncontrollably. Thankfully Angela took the phone and explained what had happened today, and about my flight home to Forks, they talked for a while before Angela gave the phone back to me. I held it up to my ear and continued to cry while Alice calmed me down, like only Alice could. She spoke to me for what seemed like hours and told me that everything would be okay; she told me she could fly back with me if I needed. As always Alice said all the things I needed to hear, and by the time we were done on the phone I felt ready to fly to Forks.

Angela and Ben drove me to the airport, and helped me get checked in. They waited patiently with me until I had to go through security. When I couldn't wait any longer I turned towards Angela, who was already holding out the pill I needed, along with a bottle of water. I silently took the pill and hugged her and Ben. I mumbled my thanks and took my place in line, fortunately security was quick for once and I was able to get to my gate and relax a little before I had to board. I had only been sitting for about 5 minutes when I felt my phone vibrate; I opened it immediately expecting it to be Charlie, I hesitated when I heard the voice on the other end of the phone but if there was ever a time I needed to hear from Edward it was now.I needed to hear him say things would be okay.

"Bella, I hope its okay that I called. I just talked to Alice and I wanted to check on you. Is this okay?" His voice was thick with emotion and uncertainty.

"Edward, of course it's okay. I appreciate you checking on me." I knew that I wanted to tell him so many things. Starting with I'm having your baby and ending with I still love you; come make my life all okay again. So I filled the void with meaningless chatter to keep the truth out. "I'm just about to catch a flight back to Forks. Charlie thought that it would be better for me to be at home with him, that way we would be together when other news came in. I think I'm okay, but I feel like I'm in a fog, you know?"

"Bella, it's a little hard to take in that kind of news and not feel like that, it's going to be alright. Just get to Forks and take care of yourself, okay? Can you promise me that?"

"I will Edward, I have to go they are calling for me to board. Can you call me later when I get to Forks?"

"I will love, talk to you soon."

I suddenly felt calm, and I was sure it was the combination of the medicine and talking to Edward. His voice always did wonders for my soul and calmed me like no other ever would.

I texted Alice quickly before the pilot came on and asked us to turn off our cell phones and we took off.

A

Thanks for having E call me, how do you always know exactly what I need?

U R the best! Luv 2 U! Call U when I get to Forks.

B

I shut the phone, and closed my eyes.

The next thing I knew the Flight Attendant was waking me because we had arrived in Seattle. I stood and grabbed my carry on, and made my way off of the plane.

Charlie was waiting for me right outside of the gate. I guess he had used his badge to get all the way up here. I was so thankful, I wasn't sure I could make my way around the airport looking for him. I still felt a little woozy and wanted to sleep. He hugged me and we went to look for my suitcase.

I opened my phone and sent a quick text to Angela.

Ang

I'm here, Dad was the gate and we're on the way home.

Thnks agn for all ur help! I'll call u when I know something.

B

I then typed another to Alice and Edward.

A & E

I'm in Forks, Charlie was the gate waiting for me.

I'm almost home now.

Thnks 2 u both, u both r the best frnds I could have.

Call u when I know something. Luv 2 u both!

B

I turned my phone off; I wanted a few minutes to be with Charlie. I wanted some peace and quiet, before all hell broke loose. Because I was sure that all hell was definitely about to break loose, it was only a matter of time. I could feel it in my bones. I took a deep calming breath and laid my head back against the headrest in the car.

Edward

"Alice this had better be good, I have a massive test tomorrow and I need to study." I flipped open my third text book to search for the answer to the question that had eluded me for a half an hour. "Really, I don't want to hear about your shopping trip! If that is what this call is for, then sorry but I don't have time." I knew I was a little short with her, but I really needed to study. I was not in the mood to hear about the twentieth shopping trip this week. She really needed to make some friends at school, so she could share this shit with them.

"Edward, Bella just called, she's on her way back to Forks. Her Mom and Phil were on their way to California for a charity event and their plane lost communication with the tower and disappeared from radar as well." I was certain that I had not heard Alice correctly.

"What?" I almost shouted at Alice.

"Bella was so upset she couldn't even tell me herself, I had to talk to Angela to understand what was going on. I just talked to her for about two hours. She's not good, and I 'm afraid that Charlie only wants her to get home so he can tell her that Renee and Phil aren't just lost. I don't know what to do for her Edward, she's my best friend and I can't help her. I need help, what do I do?" She was in tears, emotions laced between all of her words.

I had never heard Alice like this before, usually she knew the outcome about things before they happened and was able to stay calm and reassure me when I freaked out.

"Alice I'm going to call Jasper for you and tell him what has happened. I'll have him call you, and I'll check on Bella. I know we aren't together anymore, but we were close friends for a long time, hopefully I can help her feel better. I'll call you later, it'll be fine Alice. I'll take care of it, okay?"

"Okay, Edward, thanks, I love you!"

I hung up and just sat in shock. I had no idea how to handle this.

Bella was all alone and had to deal with this…alone. My heart ached to be with her, hold her and tell her that she would make it through all of this. It wouldn't be easy at all, but she was strong, so she would make it through.

I knew first hand how much this would hurt; I had lived through the pain of losing my parents. Granted it was a long time ago, but at times the pain was still just as strong. For years I held onto so much guilt because I felt like it was my fault they died.

It was their anniversary and I suggested that they go out for dinner, even got myself invited to a friend's house to spend the night. They could enjoy their night out without worrying about me at all. Little did I know that it would be the worst decision I had ever made. They went to dinner, they went dancing and on the way home a drunk driver killed them both. To make matters worse, I never even said goodbye to them. I rushed off to play with my friend without a single word of farewell. My second biggest regret.

I became bitter and angry, shutting out everyone around me. Punishing myself like I punished them. Never realizing that it was not actually my fault at all, the responsibility rested squarely on the shoulders of the man who decided that on that particular night he would drink and drive. My eleven year old mind never even pondered that concept at all.

Thankfully Carlisle and Esme took me in. Made me a part of their family and never gave up on me when I resisted. They never turned me away no matter how hard I worked to make them hate me. No matter how much I wanted to punish myself, they never allowed it.

All of them, Emmett and Alice as well, worked hard until it finally sunk into the deep recesses of my brain that I did not actually kill my parents. I did nothing wrong. I was a small child who only wanted his parents to enjoy a special night. Esme made me realize that my parents would never want me to be this angry or bitter about their death. They would want me to remember the fond memories and know that I was loved. As loved as any child could ever have been loved.

It took some work but eventually I 'belonged' to the Cullens. I fit in their puzzle and filled my spot. Emmett was the big brother that I never knew I wanted. He was loud, obnoxious, always ready with a joke, full of smart assed comebacks-and absolutely perfect for my sullen self. Alice was full of life, she was always in motion, and she never allowed me to say no to her hair brained schemes. I was always a part of them, often times not willingly, but still a part.

Carlisle and Esme also played a large part in my change. Carlisle was so patient and willing to listen. He was the first to allow me to talk, speak my mind. No matter how mean, bitter or wrong I was he allowed me to vent the confusing emotions. Esme on the other hand was my calm and peaceful resting place. I would go to her when I needed to be held and soothed. Often Esme was the person that I allowed to soothe my tears. Talking with Carlisle allowed me to open the festering wound and cleanse it of the vile feelings that kept it steeped in sickness, while Esme's gentle spirit and love was the salve that healed it and allowed it to close without any visible scars. All of them in their own way pulled me out of my shell. Showed me that life must go on and I could still enjoy being part of a family.

Later when Emmett started dating Rosalie and eventually Jasper started dating Alice, it simply added to the dynamics. Jasper provided the quiet calm reassurances of strength and fortitude. Rosalie had a hard exterior but a really soft heart under it all. She didn't let you in easily but once she did, she would die protecting you. They completed their partners in ways that were indescribable. I hoped, begged and prayed for a partner so that I had that possibility of the perfect future that I saw when I looked at all of them. When my eyes met Bella's across the cafeteria her first day of school in Forks, I knew. I knew I had found her, the one, my other half.

My heart skipped a beat and lurched in pain as I thought of her alone, and dealing with this kind of pain. I wanted to take it all away for her, make it all better. I quickly dialed Jasper to fill him in so I could call Bella.

He answered right away.

"Jas, you free?"

"Yeah, what's up, I thought you had to study today?" He sounded distracted.

"I do, but Alice just called me. Bella's Mom and Phil were on the plane that went missing in California. Bella's on her way back to Forks; Charlie wants her to go home."

"Holy shit, Edward, are you kidding me?" Jasper's normal laid-back manner was gone for the moment and he sounded just as blown away as I was over this news.

"No, I wish I was. Alice is a wreck." I ran my hand through my hair, the fairly common sign that I was indeed worried. "She's worried that Charlie will tell Bella that they didn't survive when she gets back to Forks. She's really scared, I told her I'd call you so you could call her and calm her down."

"Hold on, how did Alice find out?" The sounds that just seconds before surrounded Jasper suddenly quieted, he must have slipped off somewhere so he wouldn't be bothered by the noise any longer.

"Bella called her and told her, I guess. Look, I told Alice I'd call and talk to Bella. Do you think that is a good idea? I don't want to take advantage of an already terrible situation, but I know Bella needs some support right now." Once again I felt my hand run through my already unruly hair. My tell tale sign that I was nervous as hell. "Please tell me Jas, if this was you, would you call?" I begged him, worry and fear for Bella growing in my mind as the minutes ticked by. I felt the worst kind of pain knowing that she was alone here and needing to get home to Charlie.

"Edward, you should call. Bella needs the support, and we were all very close for a long time. It'd be normal for any of us to call. I'll call her later after I talk to Alice, to check in with her as well." I nodded like a fucking idiot, knowing that Jasper couldn't see it but the action made me feel better. "We need to be there for her, she's our family, no matter what happened. Call her dude. But look, just keep it short unless she wants to talk. Keep it friendly, no love stuff, got it?"

"Of course not, call Emmett and Rose for me, and then call Alice. I'll call Bella now. Please ask Em and Rose to check in on her as well, maybe if we all call she won't feel any pressure. She'll just know we care for her."

"Sure thing, you good?"

"Yeah, man, thanks. Talk to you later."

"Later."

I closed the phone, sat down on the edge of the bed, and took a deep breath.

I could do this. Concentrate on her pain, and helping her, that will get you through the call. She needs you, and she's probably at her lowest now, so just take care of her.

I would worry about myself later. With that final thought I dialed the number and waited.

"Hello."

She sounded terrible; her voice was flat, and emotionless. I could hear the panic right below the surface.

Maybe I could call Dad and have him give her something to help with her nerves, something mild to get her through this.

"Bella, I hope it's okay that I called, I just talked to Alice and I wanted to check on you. Is this okay?"

I held my breath; I hoped that I haven't made anything worse on her.

Please, please say it's okay Bella.

Bella began talking to me; I couldn't tell you what in the world she said. I only listened to the tone of her voice, the absence of her emotions and the flat cadence that it flowed over the phone lines and into my ears. I realized that I had basically tuned out her words and had no idea what she was saying and if she needed me to do anything to help her get to Forks.

"I think I'm okay, but I feel like I'm in a fog, you know?"

All I wanted to do in that moment was hold her in my arms and let her cry her hurt out. It hurt knowing that I couldn't do that for her, her pain was hers this time and I couldn't help her. All I could do was offer her some useless words and hope that was enough. I would fly to Forks right now if she needed me, but I couldn't push her. She needed to ask for me.

I tried to reassure her with silly words about getting news like that and not taking it hard. I asked her to take care of herself. She had to know that she was still the most important person in my life, even though she wasn't technically still in my life; she still meant everything to me. She was my whole world. I never stopped loving her not for one moment and I knew that even after everything I never would love anyone else, she was it for me, I just hoped that one day she would realize it. I made her promise me that she would be careful.

"I will Edward, I have to go they're calling for me to board, call me later when I get to Forks, okay?"

My heart skipped a beat, hearing her ask for my call was the purest form of joy for me.

"I will love, talk to you soon."

I shut the phone and lay back on my bed. I thought that the pain of losing Bella was the greatest pain I've ever known, I was wrong, this was. I couldn't take this pain away for her. I couldn't really even make it any better, no matter what I did. I felt so helpless.

I called Em and Rose to make sure that Jasper called them, he could have a one track mind when it came to Alice. I couldn't blame him, I was the same with Bella, I put her before everything else.

"Hey Edward, you okay?"

"Yeah, Emmett, did Jasper call you about Bella?"

"He did, but he didn't talk much. He wanted to call Alice and check on her, but he told us what he knew. Did you call Bella?"

"Yeah, we didn't get to talk long. She was being called to board her flight. I think that might have been for the best though, not enough time to get myself into any trouble, just enough to let her know I was here for her. You know?"

"Well, dude, I'll call her later when Rose gets here so we can both talk to her. Don't worry about her. Between us and Charlie, we'll take care of her Ed. She's our family, as much as Rose and Jasper are, you know?"

"That's funny that's what Jasper said. I guess I never realized how everyone had really woven into one big family, and I didn't know you guys were so attached to Bella."

"Edward, you and Bella are meant to be together, you may take the long route to get there, but trust me it'll happen. She is our sister and we take care of our family. Don't ever forget that. She'll be fine. I'll call you after we talk to her, or call me if you get any more news. Okay?"

"Okay, talk to you later."

Who knew Emmett could have such a soft side. I knew he always liked Bella, but I never knew how attached he was to her. Now that I looked at it she completed our family, in a way no one else ever could. She had formed an attachment with each member in her own way, an attachment that each of us was looking for. She filled a void that couldn't be filled by any of the rest of us. I realized for the first time how her leaving affected us all, not just me. I was too involved in my own pain to see anyone else's pain. I felt like I had let them down a little, I retreated into my own world, and left them alone. Hopefully I could make that up to them.

I began pacing and wondering how long it would take her to get to Seattle, then Forks, and then settled at Charlie's. How long before I could call her again? I knew studying was not going to happen. So, I cleaned up my desk and closed my books. I knew this material anyway. I would pass with flying colors. I needed to talk to someone to keep from going crazy and flying home right now. I called our home number, and waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello."

"Mom, are you okay, you sound out of breath?"

"I'm fine, I was in the garage looking for something, and I had to run to get the phone in time. What about you Edward, are you okay?" The knowing tone to her voice let me know that she already knew what I was going through.

"Yeah, Alice called me about Bella. I called her and she was about to get on the plane, so we couldn't talk for long. It was so good to hear her voice but Mom, she sounded like hell. I almost didn't recognize her voice. I'm so worried about her. I don't know if she can take this, this is too much for her. How do I help her?" I let the emotions rush out of me and into the phone, hoping that Esme had the miracle answer for all of this.

"Edward, you can only be there for her, and be her friend. If she wants more than that she'll let you know. I know Alice is worried about the same thing, she feels terrible that she's all the way in New York when Bella needs her. I told her to hang on, you only have about a month to winter break, and all of you can come home. You all can see Bella then. Besides, she's stronger than any of you give her credit for." I sniffed and tried to stop the tears that were flowing when I thought of how broken Bella would end up over this if it turned out badly. "I'll go by later and see her and Charlie. I'll take them some food and offer my help. I don't know if I can really do anything but be there for them. Edward, she'll be okay, and you will as well." Her voice sounded so tender and sweet. Just as soothing as my Mom's did.

I closed my eyes and allowed my brain to drift back and remember my Mom as she was before her death.

I still can't believe when I look back that I ever thought Esme Cullen wasn't going to be a good mother, I had convinced myself when I came to live with them that she could never be as good as a mother as my mom was. I of course was wrong, Esme was born to be a mother and she waited patiently until I came around. She was wise enough not to try to push herself on me; she let me come to her. I loved her for every single thing she has ever done for me. I was so thankful for her being close to Bella as well; she has always been able to comfort Bella.

"How do you do that?" I asked my eyes still closed as the images of both my Mom and Esme together floated before my eyes.

"What?"

"Say exactly what I need to hear. You do it all of the time. Thanks for helping Bella, it means a lot to me. I'm sorry I interrupted you. I'll let you go. I'm going to try to get some studying done. Thanks Mom." I rarely called Esme Mom, and I knew how her eyes softened when I did, I knew she would understand the gratitude I felt towards her when I used those two words.

"You're welcome Edward, call me later, I'll update you."

And with that she hung up. I felt better knowing that my Mom was going to be with Bella shortly. It was as good as I was going to get. At least with her there I can call and check on Bella without pushing Bella's limits.

Chapter 7- Sweet Freedom or Pure Hell?

Chapter 7- Sweet Freedom or Pure Hell?

Bella

My first day on my own, well technically on my own, in truth I really have been on my own for about 8 years. Renee was well Renee and that meant that it was my job to make sure that there was food on the table and the bills were being paid, at least until Phil became a part of her life. Charlie wasn't much different, he paid the bills but I still did all of the cooking and cleaning. It was liberating to know I only had to worry about me. I only had to worry about taking care of myself for the first time in my life. Not that I had free reign, Charlie didn't hover but he still loved details, but now I could do what I wanted, and go where I wanted without even checking in with anyone, it was very liberating.

I really hope that Charlie doesn't try to cook too often while I'm away.

I decided to go to the library, to not only see where I was going to be working, but also to get an idea of where everything was. As long as I could get used to my surroundings then I'd go wherever my little heart desired. I was on my own, and I would go where the wind blew, God, I am starting to sound like Renee.

Hello world!

After leaving the library I spent the day wandering around the campus and getting to know my way around. After several hours of walking I thought going back to the dorm and unpacking the rest of my things would be a good idea. At about eight, I decided that a pizza would be a great reward to myself for accomplishing all I needed to get done today. It felt so odd that I didn't have a kitchen to cook in.

I settled onto my bed with my pizza and my iPod. I tossed around the option of which playlist to listen to. Did I want to go happy and hear upbeat stuff, or spend my alone time with the sappy love song playlist while mourning for Edward. Okay that was a no brainer, I went sappy love songs.

I closed my eyes as Sara Barellis's smooth voice filled my head, something about her voice and the piano on "Gravity" made me fall in love with her at first listen. I had never thought the song applied to my life when I was with Edward, but I loved her voice so I put in on this playlist. Now, however, it was tearing me apart. I know it is not the kind of song Edward would listen to, but I knew he'd appreciate the lyrics now. Just to imagine him lying in his bed, alone, hurt and confused. I could feel my heart crack open a little more with each image that came to my mind.

I felt like I could almost reach out and touch him, smooth his hair, and tell him it was okay. He always loved it when I held him close to me, and would run my fingers through his hair while I rubbed his shoulder blades. I would do anything to let him know how sorry I was that I hurt him.

I had to force myself to lie back down onto the bed and not grab my phone. I wanted to call and tell him that I take it all back. Tell him how sorry I was for letting someone else make my decisions for me, but in truth all I wanted was what was best for him so I couldn't. And really I couldn't blame anyone for the decisions that brought me here, I could have confronted Esme or talked to Edward, no I did this, so I couldn't change my mind now, I had hurt him too much and it wouldn't be fair for me to find comfort for myself now.

After the song finished I put the pizza in the refrigerator and lay back down. I covered up and allowed the tears to fall. I let all my grief out and hoped that each day would get a little bit easier, and that I wouldn't allow myself to be swallowed up by the fear and hopelessness that I knew living without Edward would be. All the while praying that he would lead the happy full life that I wanted for him, without becoming bitter and negative because of the choices that I had made

Please allow that for him. God, please, I don't ask for much, just give him that.

When Monday finally came it was time to go to work, and work was, well work. I loved being in the library, ever since I could remember I loved the smell of books, and of course the possibilities that all the books held was so exciting. I wanted to be able to read them all and absorb the knowledge that authors were trying to impart on us with their work. Emmett would probably laugh at my well-known geeky side but that didn't make it any less true.

All of these things are what led me here, not just at Dartmouth but let me to my love of the written word. I wanted to write one day, not just write any book though, no I wanted to write a novel that would be loved like I love 'Pride & Prejudice', or 'Wuthering Heights'. I wanted someone to not just own my book, but love it, love it enough to read it multiple times and to have notes in the margin, and highlighted passages. To have the spine so used that it falls open to their favorite chapters. That is and always has been my goal, so for the time being I soaked up the library and knew that no matter what I would work towards that.

So work took up the time I wasn't in class or doing homework. It helped remind me that I needed something to do that I loved and hopefully that would help to keep me sane. My nightly ritual of mourning for Edward was starting to peel away my sanity layer by layer, and work gave me something else to occupy my thoughts.

So with that in mind, I settled into a routine of class, assignments, work and a few study group meetings to help with my classes, because it was summer semester, I didn't have many classes just an English Lit and a freshman math but, I liked the routine of it all, and with each day I was able to spend less time at night with Edward and more time in the present tense.

By the middle of July I felt like I might be able to make it through this with at least my sanity. It has been 6 weeks since I left Edward and while I spent most of my time wandering around like a zombie, only answering when someone asked me a question, I was at least starting to feel somewhat normal. I knew that there would never be anyone else for me, Edward was my heart but the more people started to show up for the new semester, the more I was able to snap out of my walks down memory lane. I was moving forward, and I knew when Angela arrived that would help. Angela and I had finally gotten word that we were in fact going to be roommates and I knew it would help for me to have someone I knew after a few months alone.

I knew that once Angela was here my façade of not regretting my decision about Edward would be cracked. We had spoken a couple of times and I continued to play it off that it was the right decision, I said if it were meant to be then maybe someday…Of course, Angela was very perceptive, just like Alice, she has always been able to see right into my brain and know what was going on in there. I really needed to have all of my unresolved feelings in check and knowing that I was starting to feel somewhat like a human being again gave me hope that I would be able to before Angela arrived.

Before I knew it, the end of July had descended and it was time for Angela to arrive. I had a ton of laundry to do but the last few days I hadn't been feeling the best. I think it may have been a stomach bug so yesterday I stayed in bed, instead of doing laundry. I felt a little better today but got a late start it was two or so, before I headed off to the cafeteria to try to eat a little. I was grateful that the food seemed to have helped and spent the last couple of hours before Angela was due to get here focusing on my neglected laundry.

I was so ready for her arrival when Angela knocked on my door I yanked it open as fast as I could and hugged her like I was Emmett, even managing to lift her off of the ground. She yelped as I was putting her feet back down on the ground.

"About time you got here, why did you make me wait so long," I joked.

After a couple of minutes of us jumping up and down and squealing like Alice, we went down to her car and grabbed some of her stuff. As soon as we found out that we were rooming together we coordinated so she wouldn't have to bring as much stuff out. I was thankful to not have to a ton of stuff to bring in and help unpack, even if we were on the first floor.

I smiled as I imagined what Alice's dorm room would look like, she'll have that thing packed from top to bottom, front to back. Okay, focus on our task, unpacking Angela. She smiled at me, like she knew where my mind went and understood. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and we walked back to her car.

After Angela's car was emptied, we ordered a pizza and relaxed, while she got me caught up about everything that had happened in Forks so far this summer. She eventually got around to the people I knew this conversation was really all about. Neither one of us cared about any of the others in Forks, she cared about her family and Ben Cheney, and I cared about the Cullen's and my dad that was it. So I assumed that this conversation was a way to help bring up the person she wanted to know about. She hedged into it slowly and it nearly killed me, I wish she would just rip into it like a band aid.

"Bella, I think it is time to tell me what really happened between you and Edward?" She paused and shook her head. "After you left I saw him once or twice, and he looked like hell. He was a wreck. He could hardly hold a conversation. I know you two broke up, but you made it sound like it was a mutual decision but he seems to have fallen into a deep depression, I am really worried about him and that makes me realize that I should probably be worrying about you, you tend to internalize everything after all. Have you talked to him?"

"No," I sighed, "I haven't talked to him. He left me a voice message after I got here. He seemed like he was upset, but that was only a few days after we broke up, so I expected him to be hurt. I hate hearing that he is still upset after all of this time." I tried to hide my emotions, but it was so hard to talk about him. When she did not say anything I continued, "I have spoke to Alice a few times and she hasn't mentioned him, I think she wanted too, but didn't. Maybe I should call her and check on him."

I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. I was so anxious and she picked up only after the second ring. I blew out a breath and spoke.

"Alice, hey, Angela just got here and we were unpacking her stuff. She was sharing what happened after I left Forks over the summer. She said she ran into Edward and he looked awful. Why didn't you tell me this?" I asked hesitantly.

"Bella, what was I supposed to say, that he was a mess and it's your fault." Shit, she sounded pissed, but I let her continue because I wanted to know what she thought…didn't I? "I was trying to spare you the details. I thought you'd like it that way. I didn't want to hurt you with his pain." I blinked my eyes to keep the tears at bay. "I knew you wouldn't like to hear it because it would make you feel like hell. Obviously I was right to spare you the details, because as soon as you heard how badly he was doing you called me, so it must bother you."

She sounded distant; I knew that the breakup would eventually affect the friendship that Alice and I had.

"Alice, of course it bothers me. He doesn't deserve this pain, and it kills me that he's going through this. I wish I could change this and make it all better. What can I do?" I was pacing back and forth and wring my hands as I willed my tears away. "I don't want to give him false hope, but I want to help him. Is there anything I can do, will anything help?"

My pain and suffering is enough for us both, he needs to let me go and move on. The longer he holds on the harder it will be for me to sit in the wings and watch him fly without me.

"Bella, I think at this point any contact is going to feel like you're coming back, and he definitely doesn't need that right now. He'll only get hurt worse if you make any effort." Edward's hopeful eyes drifted across my memory. I could see the devastation on his face if he heard from me and then realized that I wasn't coming back to him. It caused a stab of pain to shoot through my heart. "I think for you to leave him alone is the best way, I'm sorry I know that hurts you as well, but let's leave it as it is. He's coming around, I can't say each day is better, but each week is. He's finally starting to plan for his move. He still asks if I talk to you and he wants to hear about you. He loves you, but he's trying to let go. I think if he can get to a new place without your memories he'll be better off."

"Funny that's what I thought," I mumbled into the phone. I wasn't sure that Alice heard me, she sat silent for a few seconds before she spoke again.

"That sounds like regret Bella, is there something you aren't telling me? You know you can't hide anything from me." Alice took on that I-know-it-all-voice that she so often uses on me. I couldn't really complain, because most of the times she did have a way of knowing it all. Maybe I was too easy to read.

"Alice, I just thought that the new atmosphere would help, and in some way it has, but in others it has made it worse." Alice had no real idea of how much worse it had gotten for me. She would freak out if she did. I couldn't tell her anything resembling the real truth. "Edward and I were together for a long time, and it's hard to adjust to life without him at all." I blinked my eyes trying to keep the tears at bay, funny how just the mention of his name will bring them on. "In the past he was around every day, now he's not here at all. It was kind of like losing a boyfriend and best friend all at the same time. I miss his company, that's all." I released a large breath of air. I knew I had better try for some humor or else she would see that I was about to lose it big time. "Gosh, you are terrible. There is nothing here to read into, so stop." She didn't say anything so I needed to go with my next line of defense, ask about her and get her talking. "What about you, are you ready for the big city? How will you cope being away from everyone? I can't believe that we all couldn't spend an afternoon without being together and now we are all off in our own little part of the country, seems kind of weird doesn't it?"

Flashes of all of our fun times passed through my brain. I enjoyed being with the Cullen's as a group, each person had their own place and role in the family. Eventually I had fooled myself into thinking that I belonged as well.

"You have no idea, imagine how my Mom and Dad feel-in one swoop they have an empty house. I know that Mom is going to go stir crazy. She's picked up this massive renovation project to start on in early September. Maybe that will keep her busy until we can come home for winter break. Speaking of which, are you coming home for winter break?"

Winter break, it felt like it was years from now. But would I be ready to see everyone face-to-face by then? I had my doubts.

"I haven't thought about it, I guess I will. I have the money to fly so that will make the trip easier, but I'll let you know closer to that time." I knew I needed more deflection and quickly or I was going to break. "How is Jasper? When does he leave? Have you thought about both of you leaving at the same time so neither of you is left at the house alone? What about Em and Rose, when are they heading back?" If I pump her full of questions maybe she won't realize that I didn't say much about me.

"Jasper and I are flying out at the same time, well about an hour apart. I don't think either of us could stand being in the house alone. I feel for Edward when I think of the pain of that." A small whimper escaped my throat before I could stop it. Alice rushed to cover herself and her slip, "Sorry, I didn't mean anything by that, just strike it off of the record." I threw my hand over my mouth to stop any future noises, I did want to hear about Edward and if I made those kinds of noises again, Alice wouldn't talk about him at all. I focused back on Alice's monologue, "Em and Rose leave about two days after Jasper and I, then Edward leaves last. He'll leave the day after Em and Rose." I tuned out when I heard his name again, images of him flying out alone, and in the midst of his heartbreak-well it just made me want to cry some more. Alice again saved me from that fate as I focused on her explanations of the schedule for the Cullen family. "So like I said it will be a rough couple of days for Mom. Dad will keep her busy; he has planned a trip to Hawaii as a surprise for her. They leave after Edward does, so she won't have much time to feel bad. Oh, Jasper is calling for me. I guess I gotta go, tell Ang hi for me. Be good Bella, and love you!"

"Bye, Al. Give my love to everyone!" I bit my lip and realized that my normal farewell for her would not work anymore. "Well okay, strike that, just tell them all hi and I'm fine. Love back to you!"

Alice hung up so I was alone with Angela. She was right, and she was dying to hear what Alice said. I should of just turned Alice on speaker for Angela to hear all of it and save my breath.

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds; I didn't know where to start.

"You were right. Alice says he's terrible, but improving. She says he gets better by the week, and he is finally planning for his trip." Angela's face turned down into a pitiful frown, of all my friends outside Edward's family she was the closest to the two of us. So I could see how she was sad for his hurt. "She says she doesn't think that I should contact him in any way what so ever, she thinks that will be bad. So I guess I'm no longer able to talk to him at all. Maybe it's what I deserve, who knows." I picked at the ragged edges on my pajama pants, unable to meet Angela's eyes with the fresh tears pooling up in mine. "I'm beat, you ready to head to bed?"

I know that she knows I'm using bed as an excuse to keep from talking anymore, but I was hopeful that she is tired enough from the drive and she'll give in for now.

"Yeah, let me get my things and we can turn the lights out." She moved around the room and gathered her stuff to take to the bathroom with her so that she could get ready for bed.

When she reemerged she climbed into bed as she reached for the light she said, "By the way, Bella, thanks for rooming with me. I love it already; I really think you and I would've been better friends without Jessica and Lauren getting in our way. I'm glad we get the chance now." Her smile was so genuine that I couldn't help but feel the same happiness as she did, because I truly felt the same about Jessica and Lauren. It was like they always tried to ruin everything that you had, they weren't happy until you were unhappy about something. I think they'll be ecstatic now, knowing Edward and I aren't together. I wonder how long it took them to find out that little bit of info, and how long it took them to contact him? I didn't want to bet any money on it, because I knew it wasn't long at all. He's all they both have ever wanted. At least I know that he despises both of them and would never ever go out with either of them. At least I can rest with that fact.

It wasn't long after the lights were out that I felt my 'Edward feelings' coming to the surface, that empty feeling in my chest that made it hard to breathe felt like it was ready to consume me. I laid there for a couple of minutes and listened to Angela's breathing to see if she was asleep. When it sounded like she was out, I allowed the memories to come. I tried to remember everything he said to me when he told me he loved me for the first time, how his eyes lit up when he was able to beat Emmett at anything, and how his face changed when he and Jasper were in an in-depth conversation. There were a million things I could think about, each of them painful.

The pain is still there but at least the crying is at a minimum now.

I was proud of myself. I drifted off to sleep sometime after two.

The next morning seemed too bright, when I was able to focus. It also seemed like the room was spinning, but I didn't understand why it was. I didn't drink last night, so why did I feel like I had a hangover? I sat up to get a sip of water, and that was a mistake. I ran for the trash can and emptied my stomach right then. I took the trashcan into the bathroom with me so I could grab a washcloth, I ran it under the cold water, and laid it across the back of my neck. I was so paying for going to school half way across the country, I was not used to the water, the food or something. I was so sick of feeling sick. Perhaps it was time for a visit to the clinic. Maybe they can tell me what to do to get over whatever this is.

"Bella, you okay?" Angela sounded half asleep.

"Yeah, I'm fine now. I don't think the water agrees with me here. I've been sick off and on for about a month. Nothing constant, so I don't know what it is that's bothering me." Angela sat up and rubbed at her eyes. I slowly made my way back to my bed. "I think later I'll stop by the clinic and see if they can tell me anything. I'm going to lie back down for now. What're your plans for today?"

"I'm going to go see Ben. He is way across campus, but at least he is here in the same city, so I won't complain at all." Unintentional pain shot through my heart. I knew that Angela never meant to remind me that she was close to Ben while I had left Edward back in Forks, but let's face it she did remind me. It made the spinning worse, so I laid down and shut my eyes. I focused on what she was saying to tried to keep what was left in my stomach there in my stomach. "He has two roommates. Can you imagine three boys living in the same room? That is going to be one gross room in about a month." She yawned and rubbed her eyes some more. "I'm with you for a little more sleep for now, wake me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay." I yawned back to her.

After I was finished with my class, I walked over to the clinic. I knew it would not be busy, because there were still not a lot of students on campus and it was lunch time so everyone that was here would probably be headed to the cafeteria to eat. I hoped that I'd be able to get out quickly and get to work on time.

I went in and talked to the nurse, told her what I had going on. She took me into a room, had me pee in a cup, and then fill out some forms.

I swear they have you pee in that cup for every single symptom that you have. Doesn't matter if you simply have a runny nose, you pee in a cup. I guess it's another way to make some money.

Soon enough she was back in my exam room. She came in and sat down. Her face looked calm so I hoped that was a good thing.

"Bella, when was your last period?"

So not the question I expected.

"Well it's usually at the first of the month, but it has been all over the map for the last few months. Some months it is at the first and real heavy, then the next month it is in the middle and real light. It's mostly real light, like only a few spots of blood and only for about two days. So it's hard to tell for sure." I knew I was rambling but I was so damn confused as to why she was asking me about this issue when this was not what I was here for. Perhaps she had a list of specific questions that she had to ask, you know then she can give me a good STD and birth control talk. I didn't want to upset her agenda so I finished my rambling for her. "I had one last month, lasted about two days, real light, none yet for this month. My Mom had some female problems when she was younger, and had to have some surgery. I'm not sure exactly what or why, I was young. Maybe I have the same sort of problems. Do you think that's causing the issues I'm having?" I started chewing on a hangnail on my thumb that I had picked while my verbal vomiting took place.

"Well, Bella, I don't think so. I think you'll probably not have your period for a few months and then things will go back to normal for you." She patted my leg and I got the feeling she was telling me something that I should have figured out by now but for the life of me I had no idea where she was going with this. "As part of our routine tests we do here is a urine pregnancy test, and yours came back positive. It's hard to tell exactly how far along you are if you're not sure of your last normal period, so I would suggest you go to see an OB/GYN as soon as possible." She began to scribble something down on my chart. I could hear the pen scratching along as she wrote. I know that I should be focusing on something a bit closer to reality but damn if I couldn't concentrate on anything but that slight scratch of the pen the whole entire time she wrote. When she stopped I lifted my head up and met her eyes. They were soft and sympathetic; she obviously could tell that this was the last thing I expected when I walked into this clinic today. "I can give you some prenatal vitamins and it would be best to try to eat some crackers in the morning before you sit up. That'll help with the sickness. I can tell by your face that you didn't plan this." I shook my head furiously at her. This scenario was the furthest from where I thought my life was going. She laid her pen down and slid her stool closer to me. "Is there anything I can help with or any questions you have?"

"No, I went through health in high school, so I have a basic knowledge of what is going on." That was possibly the stupidest statement I could have come up with but my brain had not caught up with reality yet. "Are you sure? Is there any chance that thing is wrong? Can we do another test, another kind of test?" Again I chewed on the hangnail on my already sore thumb.

She laid her hand on my leg and slid her stool even closer to me, she smiled like my Mom did when she was going to give me news that she knew I wouldn't like.

"Bella we can do several more, but the real test should be done by an OB/GYN. They have more sophisticated equipment and blood tests that can tell you with more certainty if you are in fact pregnant, they can also tell the doctor things like hormone levels which can help determine how far along you are. They will also do an examination on you that will make sure that everything is ok. So, again, I encourage you to make an appointment with them. I have written down their number for you." She held out a card for me, I noticed that my hand shook slightly when I reached to take it from her. "They are in town, so I'm sure they have seen many girls like you who are away from home and need some advice." I could only nod at her. Was I one of those girls? The kind of girl that gets away from home and needs help from strangers? I guess I was. "They have a group that meets to offer encouragement, which may help as well. I think you'll like the Doctors in the group." She stood up with her chart and her scratchy pen and walked towards the door. I remained in place. "You're finished here, so here are your vitamins. Good luck Bella." I stood and took the bottle out of her hand and left the room.

She patted me on the back and let me back out into the waiting room. How was I supposed to handle the bomb she had just dropped in my lap all by myself? She acted like she thought that I knew what I was doing, but she was wrong, I didn't know shit.

I called work and told them I was sick and had been to the clinic. They said it was okay to stay out today, they weren't busy.

Since I now had a free afternoon, I headed across campus to eat. I figured I should do that for a healthy pregnancy. It's so funny how quickly I started thinking and doing what I should. It then struck me that I was always taking care of someone, so this would be no different. I was used to this life, I could handle this.

I tried to make the words sound right but I wasn't fooling myself for one second, I was in shock. I didn't know the first thing about being pregnant. I am only child and never knew anyone who was pregnant.

The first person I thought of was Rose, because she always talked about how many kids she wanted to have with Emmett. I figured that she would know at least a few things about being pregnant, and she could ask Carlisle all the other stuff. But that meant that Edward would find out, and really I have hurt him far more than he ever deserved anyway, how could I tell him this. I knew what he would want to do, he would want to do the responsible thing and get married and I know that he wouldn't stand for me being here and knowing that I was pregnant with his child. He'd want me close to him or close to Forks one way or the other, bottom line was that if Edward found out I would be everything that Esme said I was. I wanted to cry, how could this have happened, we were always safe and responsible, all of my dreams, I knew for sure I was not going to be able to stay here at Dartmouth and go to college how could I take care of a baby and be in school.

Holy crap, I am pregnant, I can't believe I am pregnant, I can't believe that I'm PREGNANT, WITH HIS CHILD!

I needed to sit and think about this. I need to eat, sit and think. Yeah, that is what I need to do.

I made my way to the cafeteria, and I grabbed a salad, fruit cup and a juice to drink. I couldn't remember anything about nutrition that health class offered. I really should have paid more attention to high school.

All I could think about was what was I going to do now…Now that I had this tiny piece of Edward with me.

Chapter 8- How Do I Deal?

Chapter 8- How Do I Deal?

Bella

After what I hoped was a nutritious lunch, I headed back to the dorm. I needed to lie down. I needed more time to think, and I needed to do it in the comfort of my sweats in my bed. I entered the room and Angela was sitting on her bed, cross-legged with her book open. She looked up and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" The concern was obvious in her voice.

"Yeah, I just went to the clinic and got checked out. I figured I deserved a day off after the news they gave me." I turned my back on her and removed my bag from my shoulder. I couldn't face her yet.

"Well, what did they say?" I slowly turned to meet her gaze and she blanched when our eyes met.

I opened my mouth to speak and instead I burst into tears. Angela jumped up from the bed and ran to me. She put her arms around me and held me close for a few minutes. She let me cry until I slowed down enough for us to talk. She directed us over to the couch, and sat us down.

"Bella, start off slow and tell me exactly what's going on. Please."

"Ang, it's terrible, probably the worst news I could get right now. I mean I know I have always taken care of everyone else, but who says I want to do that right now. How am I going to do that? I don't even know my plans for the next semester, much less the next 20 years." She handed me a tissue and I wiped my eyes. The action never stopped the words rushing from my mouth. "Charlie's going to kill me and Renee, well who knows what she'll say. She's so unpredictable." I sniffed and blew my nose into the tissue. "Telling Edward, that's going to be the hard part, I mean I want him to know, but then again I don't. I don't want to keep him from his child, but I just broke up with him."Angela's eyebrows shot up on her head and she tightened her grip on my hand she held. Thankfully she didn't interrupt my mental ramblings. She let me carry on. "How am I supposed to get over him if I have to be around him? I know he's going to want to be there during the pregnancy and then after the baby is born; well he will probably want to move in to be around all of the time. All I ever heard from him is how great a father his real Dad was, and how great Carlisle had been to him." I paused and blew again. Angela must have had the patience of a saint because she continued to sit and wait for me to get to the point where she could ask her questions. "He said it was like Carlisle was born to be a father. He was a great Dad to Emmett and Alice, but when Edward came along he knew exactly how to be a great dad to him to, without letting Edward forget what a great dad his birth father was too. Hell, he is even like a dad to Jasper, Rose and me. Edward always said that between Carlisle and his real dad he had learned everything he needed to know to start down the path to being a great father himself. Of course he didn't know that was going to happen now, and not later." I broke into tears again and threw myself at Angela. "Oh Ang, tell me what to do. I want to call him, but I don't want to hurt him anymore. Please you're so smart, tell me what do I do?" I sobbed against her chest as I unloaded everything to her. My verbal vomiting took over where the physical vomiting left off.

"So I take it they told you that you were pregnant?" She started off with a basic and simple question but it still caused more tears.

I just nodded to her, and lowered my head. Tears were falling silently down my cheeks. I, for the first time in my life had no idea how to get myself out of this, without someone getting hurt badly. I just didn't know if it was going to be Edward, our child, or me and to be honest, at this point I would rather it be me.

This thought brought home the fact that there was a child growing in my stomach.

I knew that I already loved this baby, I knew as soon as I had heard the news, how could I not no matter what this child this perfect child was created out of the love that I had for the perfect man, for my other half, for my soul mate. But love didn't help me overcome all of the obstacles that I would face. I would certainly have a little piece of Edward Cullen, but how do I balance all of this without hurting him. Do I tell him or let his child go through life without its father?

I looked deep into Angela's eyes and they were soft and full of understanding. I knew she loved her twin brothers and she had helped her Mom with them a lot. I was thankful that she was here with me to help me get through this. I sat just letting her hold me for a minute.

"Bella, let's take a deep breath. Right now you need to get some sleep. We can deal with the Edward situation when you have decided what your plan is. None of that has to be solved right now. You'll be able to think when you are rested, so go and get into something to sleep in."

I sniffed and wiped away the tears that still slipped silently down my face. "How did I get so lucky? I can't tell you how great you are, I really appreciate you and your help."

I went into the bathroom, changed, washed my face and headed back to the room. I wanted to eat that leftover Chinese takeout we had in the fridge, and then I wanted sleep. Tomorrow I would decide what to do, but today all I would worry about was getting something to eat and some sleep.

I glanced at the calendar, October 10. I let out a long sigh, I really needed to decide what I was going to do; I have known that I was pregnant for almost two months. I was no closer to making a decision about what to do than I was the day I found out. There was a small baby bump that was starting to show; I couldn't wear my jeans anymore, I lived in sweatpants and oversized hoodies. Angela kept telling me that we needed to go shopping for maternity clothes but I knew that if I started wearing maternity clothes it wouldn't take long for everyone to know, then the questions would start, they would ask what my plans were, and I needed to have an answer. I also needed to tell my parents, I felt so guilty for not letting them know already. I usually didn't keep things from either of them, and this was a big thing, so it was worse that I was keeping this from them.

Angela had been great, she knew everything about pregnancy. She was around for her Mom when she was pregnant with the twins. She went to the Doctors appointments with me and bought me this pregnancy book. The book broke it down week by week and told everything that was happening that week. I was no longer having morning sickness, so I wasn't as cranky which I am sure Angela was happy about.

My OB/GYN told me that my due date is February 18th. That means I will miss the spring semester next year. I had planned on attending classes straight through until I finished but I guess one semester off wouldn't kill me, my biggest concerns was where I would live when I took that semester off and how I could keep going to Dartmouth and take care of a baby.

After contemplating all of these things, I knew it was time, I had to call Renee, I needed advice, the kind of advice that you need to get from your mother. I knew I would have to call Charlie after I talked to her, but no matter what I needed my mom first. I was glad I was here and not in Forks, I could only imagine how the rumors would run rampant there.

I picked up my phone and dialed before I lost my courage. Let's hope she was ready for this, because I can honestly say, I am not.

"Mom, hey, how're you?"

"Bella, I'm great, what's up with you? You okay?"

"Why do you ask?" I was trying to avoid lying to her, but I wanted to know what her Mother's intuition was telling her before I spill my secret.

"Silly Bella, a mother knows when something is wrong with her little girl. Spill it, you know you can't hide anything from me."

Okay, so maybe there was something to that Mother's intuition after all.

"Mom, uh…this is big, you uh… you might need to sit down. And, please, let me finish before you ask any questions. Please."

"Okay," her voice was shaky, scared to hear what news would need to be prefaced by that speech, I'm sure.

"Mom I'm pregnant, I know this is a big shock, and trust me this was not in my plans. I hadn't even decided if I was going to have kids, but I guess I am because I have decided to keep the baby. Before you ask, yes the baby is Edward's, no I haven't told him yet and to be perfectly honest don't know what I'm going to tell him or if I even should. Please don't push for answers, I'll figure something out, but I haven't decided yet." I could feel myself winding up and spilling all of the details that I knew so hopefully I could avoid some of Renee's questions. I didn't want her to know how not together I was with this. "All I know right now is that I love this baby. It's due February 18th, and I don't know what it is yet. I'll take the spring semester off and have the baby. That will give me almost three months to be at home with it and then I hope I will be able to start back in the summer. That's all I know for now. Okay, go ahead ask."

"Bella, why didn't you call me sooner? I could have helped you so much?" Her voice was full of concern. I felt guilty for assuming that she would pounce on the fact that I didn't have a plan in place yet. I forgot that I was her daughter and she would of course be concerned for me and my well being during this.

"Mom, how could you have helped?" I wanted to put her fears at ease.

"Bella, emotional support helps a lot, I couldn't fly in and make it all different, but I could have listened and helped you make decisions." She certainly had a point there. "

"I'm sorry for not calling. Usually I have things so planned out and it was killing me to feel so out of control this time. I felt like if I talked to you, you would want to know what my plan was, and since I really didn't know, it would make me look like I was a failure, well more of a failure than becoming pregnant at 18 would make me."

"Bella, you are my daughter and you are not a failure in any way. You never will be." I had heard this tone of voice before, only once though, when the other girls made fun of me in elementary school for not being that good at dodge ball. Renee went into the school and admonished the girls for the teasing and the teacher for allowing it. It was her I mean business voice.

"What does the Doctor say? Are you and the baby healthy? Are you gaining the right amount of weight?" The serious tone remained for the next question. "Bella, did you say you haven't told Edward and you don't know if you are going to?

I decided to skip the last part for now and answer the previous questions first. "Angela has been great, she has helped so much. She is patient with me, and talks me out of my crazy ideas. The Doctor says we are both very health and yes I have gained about 10 pounds. I need to gain twenty-five pounds by my due date, so I'm right on track." I took a deep breath before answering the part I know she really wants answers to the most. I was so confused and hated that I couldn't make a simple decision. "I still don't know what to do about Edward. I don't want to keep him from his child, but part of me can't decide if letting him know about this as he is starting the long process for his Medical Degree is good. Mom he was never 100% sure he wanted to be a doctor to begin with, but he feels that he needs to be to make Carlisle proud, he feels like he owes him this for taking him in and becoming the father that he needed him to be, that is so much pressure on him already, I don't know if I can in good conscience put more pressure on him like that. I have a little over a month left before I go home to Forks for winter break; I figure I'll need to know by then. Maybe you can help me talk it all out and that may help me make my decision." I offered, I knew that Renee wanted to help and knew that this would assuage her guilt for being so far away from me at this emotional time.

"Bella, are you over Edward, or is this deeper? You talk a lot about not bothering him, but I hear something else in your voice. Is there something else going on?"

"No Mom! I'm just sure this is going to be a big shock for him. First, I break up with him and go off to college. Then I call and say 'oh yeah by the way I'm pregnant with your child'. How do you think he's going to handle that? Alice already said it took him forever to even come out of his room, much less get back to normal, and now I lay this on him."

"I know, honey, but don't you think he has a right to know. This isn't just your situation, it's his too. He does deserve the right to choose, he is the father now too. You can't choose for him and expect him to be okay with that." I knew deep down that she was right but damn if it didn't hurt to hear her say, in very nice words, that I was fucking up his life anyway. No matter what I chose, we both lost at this point.

I tried to go down the only line of reasoning that I could think of to make her understand that I needed to keep him out of this for as long as possible. "Besides I don't want him to think that this changes anything between us, it doesn't, he has a life to live and I don't want to interfere with that, it just isn't fair to him if I do" I add with a little too much emphasis.

"Bella, even if you aren't ready for things to change, he still deserves to know about the baby. He's a great guy, and he doesn't deserve to be shut out. Have you realized that if you don't tell him he'll miss out on all the firsts that the baby will do." The passion in Renee's voice almost had me caving in. Besides, let's be honest I wanted to call Edward up and just crawl in his lap and let him hold me until all of this goes away.

"Bella, I know when we left that the distance killed your Dad, and he knew about you. It just hurt to not be there when you did all of the things that he wanted to be a part of. So no matter how the two of you decide to handle the relationship between you both, the baby deserves to have both of its parents. I'll put my foot down Bella. Don't do this to the baby, don't shut out its father, if you call Edward and he doesn't want to be a part of this, then fine, but give him the choice. Please, you'll be so much happier if you do the right thing, by Edward and the baby." Renee was channeling her inner parent and her advice was right on, I was so frustrated to hear once again that she knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I wanted her to be her flaky old self and not this new uber-mom that knew what I should do and why I should do it. She continued on with a new softer tone to her voice. "Now, do you need anything? Do I need to shop for you and send you clothes, what about for the baby? What do you need for the baby?"

"Mom, I'm fine for now. I don't need anything yet, but I'll let you know." Her words were slowly setting in for me and I needed more time to think about how I was handling things. "I'll think about Edward and me and let you know what I'm going to do. Okay? Thanks for the advice." I tried to lighten the mood a little and reassure her that I was okay for now. "I think Angela and I are going to have to move off campus to have enough room for all three of us. We are both fed up with dorm life anyway, so no big deal." I took a deep breath and let it out. Renee stayed silent, allowing me enough rope to climb out or hang myself, I wasn't sure which scenario that I was going to be able to pull off. "Is it okay if I go now and get a little rest before I go in to the library?"

"Yes, go get some rest." She sat silent for a few seconds before she continued, "Phil and I are behind you all the way, you choose what's right for you and the baby and we'll back you up. You know that right?"

"I know Mom, thank you both."

"The team is flying Phil and I out to LA for this baseball charity thing. We're leaving tomorrow, on their private jet. I'll be gone for about three days and then I'll be home. What do you think about me coming up for a few days when I get back?"

"I think that's a great idea, I could use my Mom for a few days." I sighed happy to have her support.

"I love you Bella."

"I know. Tell Phil thanks for me, you both are great, I don't know what I would do without you. I love you, Mom. Bye."

Okay one down, and only a few hundred more calls to make. Obviously I am exaggerating just a little but it seriously felt like I had a ton of people to talk to about this. I think of all of them that I need Charlie is probably going to be the easiest. How strange of a statement is that, telling your Dad that you're pregnant is going to be the easier than telling anyone else. I chuckled in spite of myself. I couldn't believe the turns that my life has taken.

I laid back on the bed and tried to collect up enough courage to call Charlie. Even if he was going to be the easiest, it was still going to be hard on me.

After a few minutes, I change my mind about calling Charlie today. I think I've had enough phone calls for today, Charlie can wait until tomorrow.

I knew eventually I was going to have to call Edward although part of me wonders if it would just be better to tell him when I go home for winter break, I don't know that this is news that I should break over the phone. I just hope a solution on how to handle things with him comes to me before that visit, Lord knows I'm thinking on it hard enough.

Just as I put my phone down it vibrated, I hadn't really talked to Alice since she arrived at school. She had tried to call a few times but I just couldn't find it in me to talk, we exchanged texts about once a week, but I was always vague. When I saw the message it just reminded me of how much I missed her.

B

I know u are avoiding me, please stop pushing me away, I miss u

Luv u.

A

I felt horrible, of course she saw right thru me. I knew why I was pushing Alice away of course; I just couldn't talk to her without wanting to break down, losing Edward has been so hard on me and every time I had talked to Alice I wanted to tell her why I left him. There was just something different about the bond I shared with Alice, we were like sisters, but because of my decisions I knew that we couldn't be as close, it wouldn't be fair to her, what would happen when Edward did find the one he was suppose to be with, I didn't want her to feel like she was betraying me. Keeping Alice wasn't really an option for me.

A

I'm not, I prmis just really busy. I miss u 2

Luv u back!

B

I wanted to tell her to call so I could hear every detail of how college has been for her so far, but I was too afraid if we actually spoke she would know something was up. I was nowhere near ready to tell Alice. First she would be completely disappointed in me for keeping it from her for so long, then she would tell Edward so fast it would make my head spin, and if Edward was going to hear about this, I wanted him to hear it from me. I knew that I at least owed him that much.

I had decided to turn my phone off just in case Alice called or texted back right away. I wanted to get some uninterrupted sleep, and Angela was out for the night with Ben so this was my chance. I seemed to never get enough sleep now days. I'm glad for it; it keeps me from laying awake crying for Edward. So I guess we all benefit from this pregnancy. My attempt at humor fell flat even in my mind so I guess that should be my clue that I am over tired.

I awoke the next morning surprised at how well I had slept, I didn't even remember dreaming or hearing Angela come home for that matter.

I showered quickly and got ready for classes. I had two classes today and then I had to work.

Once my boss found out I was pregnant she moved me to the circulation desk, it was one of the few sit down jobs at the library, it worked out perfectly because I I didn't have to climb any ladders or reach for heavy text books anymore which with my lack of coordination was never a bad thing. I wouldn't even try lie and say that I wasn't thankful for the move. Now I just sit and request the books that people need, and send out notices for overdue items. It wasn't as much fun, but it wasn't as tiring either, so all was good.

I was leaving the cafeteria after having lunch, heading to the library, when Angela caught up with me. She looked frantic, and Ben was with her. This didn't look good.

"Bella, where the hell have you been and where is your phone?" Angela never used that kind of language, so it just conformed that something was real wrong.

"Angela, I had class today, afterwards I came here to eat lunch. What's wrong, why are you so frantic, you're scaring me?" Panic was setting in, and I could feel my heart accelerate.

"Bella, your Dad has been trying to get in touch with you all day. He has called your cell a million times, he finally called my Mom and she gave him my number. Do you have your cell with you?"

"Yes, I turned it off last night so Alice couldn't call me, and I guess I forgot to turn it back on this morning. I was rushing, so I didn't pay it any attention." I went to turn my phone back on but Angela's face blanched, she grabbed the phone from me and handed it to Ben.

"Bella, yours is probably dead by now, why don't you call your Dad on my phone, let's go sit on that bench and you can call him?" She put her arm around my shoulders and led me over to it.

Ben followed behind us; he grabbed both of our bags as we sat down. He just stood looking at us, but he wouldn't allow his eye to meet mine. I started to sweat, and queasiness was taking over my stomach, I knew something was wrong. Really wrong! I hadn't even paid attention when she dialed and before I knew it she was handing me the phone.

When the line stopped ringing, I started yelling into the phone before Charlie could even speak a greeting. "Dad, Angela is scaring the hell out of me, what's going on? Why have you been trying to get a hold of me?"

"Bella, first I want you to know that I talked to Angela this morning and she told me about you being pregnant, now please don't be angry at her, she was just looking out for you." I glared at her, obviously angry at her that she told Charlie behind my back. "I have some bad news Bella; please sit down before I tell you, okay?" The anger disappeared at his words. Charlie had his official voice on that he used to talk to the families that he came in contact with while on duty, the families that he usually had to deliver bad news to.

"Dad I'm sitting down, now tell me, I can't wait any longer, YOU'RE SCARING ME!" I felt bad for yelling at my Dad but I needed to know what is going on and I needed to know now.

"Bella, your Mom and Phil were on a private jet headed for LA today, and the radio tower has lost both communication and radar contact with their plane." I sucked in a large breath and held it. Shock and disbelief seeped through my mind. Charlie rushed to continue, "No one is sure yet of the outcome of the plane at this time, but it doesn't look good Bella, they suspect that it has crashed, although they are unsure where. I'm sorry to tell you this over the phone, but I didn't want you to find out from anyone else, and I knew I didn't have time to fly out to tell you."

I struggled trying to answer, ask or just say something. "I, uh…I just. Uh, well, I." The last sound broke off into a strangled cry.

"Bella, I think it would be best if you flew home for now, and that way we can be together when the details come in. If you're here with me I can get you to LA faster to see Renee and Phil than if you try to get there from New Hampshire." I nodded to him, knowing that he couldn't see my answer but only needing to move my body and feel like I had control over something in my life right now.

"Bella how soon can you get to the airport, I want to book you a flight but I know you will need to talk to your professors and the library before that happens?"

All at once my brain kicked in and I flooded Charlie with questions. "Dad, are you sure? When did you find out? Why didn't they call me?" Other words were taking over my thoughts, plane, crash, not sure of the outcome. I couldn't think of the meaning of the whole sentences, all I could process was each word by itself. I looked up at Angela hoping that she could offer any help.

Charlie's soothing voice answered me instead of Angela. "Bella, your Mom had me down as her emergency contact. She told me years ago that I was on her list, she didn't want anyone calling and telling you any bad news so she put me down so they could call me instead."

"Okay, uh…"

"I found out at about ten this morning. The plane was somewhere in California, but that is all they told me. They don't have many details available yet. It may take them a while to let us know anything." Up until this point Charlie held it all together but his next statement to me nearly broke me right then. "Please come home Bella, I want you here." Charlie's voice broke. I knew he had years of training to hold it together during the crisis, he would remain calm, cool and do what needed to be done. His small crack scared the hell out of me.

"Yeah Dad, Angela will help me get my stuff together, I'll call work and talk to my Professors. Give me a few minutes and then I'll call you back when I know when I'm flying out okay?"

"Bella, that's great, tell Angela thanks. Don't let this worry you, it'll work out. Take care of yourself and my grandchild, okay?" I could hear his hand scratching at something close to the phone receiver when he added, "I love you Bella."