Chapter 13 from Edward's pov

Edward

I hung up with Bella, tormented by the pain she was going through. It was so surreal that her pain would cause the memory of my own pain from the same event many years before to flood back into my body so fast. I had to shake this off and get to calling for a flight so that I could get back to Bella. I needed to be with her, I understood her pain more than anyone else and I needed to make sure that she was okay.

I grabbed my laptop at the same time that I reached for my phone. I called Alice while I opened up the browser to search for a flight.

“Alice, have you talked with Bella?” Alice was so overwhelmed and affected by what Bella was going through. I could tell it in her tone of voice, and in her breathing pattern even. She obviously had been crying and probably felt as useless as I did at this moment.

“Yeah, I just wish I was there with her. She is all alone and I need to be with her.” Alice pleaded.

“I know Alice, I know. I am actually checking flights now. She finally asked me to come home.” The relief flooded out of me and in that second with those words I began to cry.

I cried for all the love that I felt for Bella, I cried for all the time that we had missed with each other. I cried for all the things she had experienced for the first time without me to share them with her. I cried for the pure and simple fact that Bella was my soul mate and I lost her. And I cried for the fact that she was hurting and I couldn’t take the pain away for her, I couldn’t make her better. All I could do was hold her hand, listen to her talk it out and hope that it was enough.

“When is your flight?” Alice brought me back to this reality.

“Don’t know, I’m looking them up right now.” I searched and of course none were leaving and flying in to Seattle as quickly as I wanted them to be. There was that would put me into Seattle at a little after midnight but I didn’t care. I wanted to be home with Bella as soon as possible.

“I got one that will put me into Seattle at 12:25, I hope someone doesn’t mind coming to get me then.” I made a mental note of all the details I needed to take care of before I left here.

“I found a flight that will connect me with yours and we can fly on to Seattle together, do you mind if I come too?” Alice asked, she sounded just as desperate to get back to Forks as I did, so how could I tell her no?

“Sure, what’s the flight number?”

“Mine is Delta flight 245, I will already be on the flight when it stops to pick you up, so we can fly the rest of the way together, sound good?” Alice was moving just as fast as I was to throw things into the bag and be on her way, I could hear her moving around the apartment as we spoke.

“I’ll call Mom and Dad and tell them that we both will be there at 12:25, so to come and pick us up. Call me before you take off, okay?” I made all the arrangements with my flight and typed out a quick email to my professors as I talked with Alice. I would handle the consequences later, right now my only goal was to get home to Bella.

“Okay, love you Edward.”

I told Alice that I loved her as well and ended the call. I finished packing, only taking a small carry on since I had clothes still in Forks and made my way out of the apartment. Once I was in the cab I called my dad.

“Hey, I got a flight to Seattle, Alice does as well. We both need to be picked up at 12:25 tonight. Can you do that?” It suddenly got quiet as we spoke; I assumed that he stepped outside the house to talk with me. I knew for certain that they were still at Bella’s house and half of me wanted to ask to speak to her again but I had to deal with the details first so I could get on my way to see her.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I expected to get this call from one or all of you so I will be there to get you. Son, please be safe, okay?” Seriousness tinted his voice and masked his emotions a little.

“I will, Dad, I will. I’ll see you then.” I wanted to hang up quickly because I couldn’t allow his concern to sway or scare me into not getting on that airplane. “Hey, is she okay?” I needed to know how she was from a different perspective, and I knew that my dad wouldn’t lie to me.

“She’s not great but she is doing okay.” He answered, his words sounded like he might be holding back a little but I couldn’t blame him. Who wants to know that his soul mate is not doing well with a plane ride ahead of him before he can get to her and comfort her? No one, and I was man enough to know that I wanted him to lie to me for now.

“Okay.” That was my simple response. “Love you Dad, see you soon.”

“Bye Edward, love you too.”

I hung up and paid for my cab ride. I rushed into the terminal and sat to wait for the ride that would take me back to her.

After torturous amounts of time I was finally in my seat and ready for take off, and the good news was that it looked like we would be on time. Alice had come by my seat and once everyone was on the plane we would try to move to sit beside each other. I looked down at my watch for the gazillion time. Each time I was closer to seeing her, seeing Bella. Not much closer but still closer.

The plane took off and when the seatbelt sign went off I went in search of Alice. I found her huddled up and looking so scared. I knew that Bella was her best friend but it still scared me how scared she looked. I sat beside her and flipped up the arm rest and pulled her into my arms. She was a small substitute for Bella but it still felt good to hold her against me and know that somehow, I was comforting someone. For the moment Alice would fill my need to help.

We both dozed off and came to when the stewardess made her rounds to remind us to put our seatbelts back on. Alice slide back into her seat and I straightened in mine. The armrest was dropped back into place and we each snapped our seatbelts back on. Once all the necessary activity was done Alice grabbed my hand and held on again. I looked over and noticed that she was again crying.

“You okay, Al?”

“I just don’t know how to help her, Edward, what do I say to her?” The tremors in her voice showed the depth of emotion that she felt for Bella’s loss.

“You just tell her that you are there and will always be there for her. She will know and understand that, okay?” I smoothed Alice’s crazy hair down a little. If we were not in such deep anguish knowing what we were heading into, it would have been comical the strange ways that her hair stuck up and out.

“Will that be enough?” Her small voice asked me, still worried that she couldn’t help her best friend.

“Sure it will. Honestly, Alice, nothing anyone says or does right now will make a difference anyway. She’ll be in such a daze right now and will be for awhile. Trust me, I remember the fog that surrounds that week and perhaps month even. I don’t remember shit from that time. Just tell her that you will be there and don’t try any of that I understand bullshit; that always made me angry. The people who said it was so far from understanding that it was almost funny. So don’t do that, don’t say stuff just to say it, say what you really mean to her. Tell her how much you love her, tell her how sorry you are and that you will be there for her. But don’t say the stupid shit and belittle her with it, okay?” I guess I still had some anger and hostility towards those that tried to help me in the days after my parents died. I guess in situations like this those things always resurface.

Alice never answered me, she just snuggled up as close as she could with her seatbelt on to my arm. I held her and counted down the minutes till I could see and possibly hold Bella.

Then the thought occurred to me, could I hold Bella? What would be the nature of our relationship? Would she want me in any way that she had before or did she just need me to talk her through things since I had lived it before her? How the fuck was I supposed to go back to being her friend when I had held her in my arms? When I had kissed her and made love to her? I wasn’t sure if this time with her would make or break me. I just knew that I had to be there for her, I had to no matter the consequences to me.

Soon we had landed, gathered our luggage and met Esme. After a few embraces she moved us off towards the Mercedes. She made short work of delays and I appreciated it. I certainly would lose my mind if I was in the same state and couldn’t get to her, quickly.

Alice and Esme sat up front chatting about all sorts of things, I couldn’t tune into their conversation. I was too busy turning things over in my own brain, trying to decide how I would play out things between Bella and I. I needed a game plan otherwise I would be caught off guard and get hurt again. I hoped that the game plan would keep me from getting hurt again, I hoped.

Esme’s phone began to ring when we were about an hour from Port Angeles. Esme answered it and her voice quickly changed. Her words didn’t alert me to a problem, her tone did. I sat up immediately, dread filled me.

“Esme, what’s going on?” I snapped at her. Esme’s eyes met Alice’s and they both seemed filled with fear.

“ESME!” I shouted, “What is going on? Is Bella okay?” That was the one question I needed to know, everything else I could handle but just not that. She had to be okay.

Esme pulled over and turned to face me, each action scared me a little more.

“We don’t know. She’s had an accident, the EMT’s recognized Charlie’s truck and called ahead to warn Carlisle. He doesn’t know more than that, they are still a few minutes away from the hospital now. He said that the EMT’s didn’t give him much info.” Esme’s eye showed her motherly love and concern. And for the life of my I didn’t know why that hurt me even more. Perhaps she was sparing me, saving me from the bad news, I had no idea. I just knew that I had to get to Bella right away.

“Esme, can I drive?” I asked. Both sets of eyes from the front seat showed their concern at this question. I had better do some more explaining, so as I unbuckled my seatbelt I continued, “I need something to occupy my mind, seriously, I will go fucking insane if I have to just sit here and wonder if I have lost her again. I can’t just sit here.” Each word gradually increased in volume until I was at a full on yell in the back seat.

Esme weighed my words and quickly slipped out of the driver’s seat and changed places with me. I buckled my seat belt again and dropped the car into drive. I flew away from our make shift parking spot and towards Forks, towards my Bella. In whatever condition she was in.

Alice had pulled her phone out and started making calls, she called Em and Rose. Then she called Jasper and told him. The pain and concern in her voice was rushing around my head but I shut it out. I couldn’t break down until I got to her. That was my only goal right now, get to Bella’s side.

When Alice finally hung up with Jasper and Esme had tried unsuccessfully to call Carlisle again, I turned up the volume on his state of the art stereo in the Mercedes. I allowed the music to soothe me and force me to concentrate on other memories of us. The good ones, all the firsts we had achieved with each other. All the fun we had with each other, the ones that allowed me a clear head to make it to her safely.

The Mercedes was barely in park when I threw open the door and flew into the hospital. The nurses that I knew showed shock at seeing me here at this time of night but answered with appropriate directions to her room when I shouted Bella’s name. I knew this hospital like the back of my hand and it was a good thing, I was able to go right to her.

I met Carlisle in the hallway outside her room and he grabbed me by my arm when I charged right past him.

“Hey, you need to slow down a minute. She’s fine Edward, a minor accident that’s all.” I searched his eyes for truth and realized that he was being honest with me. I relaxed and felt the tension drain right there in the hallway. Relief flooded through me and with it brought the tears.

“Fuck!” I fisted my hair and leaned down to catch my breath.

Carlisle pulled me up straight and I followed his arms as he hugged me. “Sorry Edward, I knew this would scare you but I didn’t want you to get to Forks and not know. Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, I am now. Can I…can I see her?” I just needed to lay my eyes on her, to assure my mind that she was indeed fine.

“Yeah, she’s sleeping off and on. She has a headache but I haven’t given her anything for it yet, I can’t until I know exactly what’s going on with her, so be mindful of this. She needs to rest and be as still as possible until I get those results. Okay?” I nodded with my hand already on the door knob. Carlisle’s snicker settled my nerves slightly.

I pushed the door open and stared at her lying in that big hospital bed. She looked so small, so helpless. My heart ached for her, for all that she had been through today. I knew Bella and knew that she was so overwhelmed. She adored Renee and had always been so close to her, so this loss would certainly be hard to get over for her. She would be losing her mother and one of her best friends all in one tragic event.

She was so still and quiet. If not for the beeping of the machines that showed me her heart rate and respirations, I would be tempted to wake her up and check her myself. Instead I sat and just held her hand. There was so much that I wanted to say, I wanted to confess my undying love, to tell her that I didn’t need anyone or anything more than her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her until all her pain was gone but right now I just settled for holding her hand. I brushed her hair off of her forehead and just looked at her.

She slowly turned her head towards me; her eyes still closed, and winced in pain at her movement. My hand flinched slightly in hers and I waited for her to open her eyes. When she did I looked directly into her soul. I could see the helplessness in them and it made my determination even stronger to help her get through this. I smiled and she tried to return it.

I teased her and asked her about her drama level today, surely she didn’t need more but that was Bella. She does everything to the fullest! Her eyes were ‘off’ slightly, but heaven’s knows she had enough reasons for them to be that way. I tried to allow myself to settle and let her skin contact soothe me. Her simple hand holding wasn’t enough; I leaned over and kissed her forehead. I hoped that I didn’t scare her by pushing too far too fast.

I began talking, I figured that if I moved my mouth then it wouldn’t want to attach itself to her in other ways. I talked about how fast I drove, how I scared Alice and Esme. I asked her what in the world she was doing out this time of the night alone. She explained why she was out and wonder of all wonders she was just as anxious to see me as I was to see her. Her anxiety caused her to venture out, just to be a little closer to me. My heart soared at this prospect that she might still, even if in a small way, love me.

Her tears began as she explained; I lowered my body to be closer to her. The contact was heavenly; she fit against me like she always had, no changes. I whispered to her and tried to soothe her. I knew she probably just needed to cry, so I held her close and let her do what felt right to her.

One more small kiss, I promised myself as I place a kiss on her temple. I swear she leaned into it slightly. I prayed that she did, prayed that I still had a chance. We talked for a little bit about how she was and her mom. I tried to pull away, against my better judgment, but she snuggled closer and asked me to stay with her. So, stay I did.

I knew that if I didn’t give myself some distance I would fool myself into thinking that this was my new normal so I pulled away and gave Bella the excuse of allowing Alice to come in. Her eyes lit up at the prospect of seeing Alice so I left to retrieve her.

I stayed out in the hall while Alice went in. I felt the force, gravity, kismet, what the hell ever it was pulling me back through that door and to her. But I couldn’t be that guy, I couldn’t smother her. I had to play this by her rules, to let her lead me on this. So I stayed outside the door with my hand poised and ready to charge in if she seemed to need me.

Carlisle eventually showed up and hugged Esme. Our eyes met over her shoulder and he lifted his eyebrows in silent question to me. I shrugged at him because honestly I didn’t really know how the hell I was so there was no point in even trying to explain it to him. He had Bella’s chart so we went back in with him as he explained to her what was going on.

I was busy staring at Bella so I had no idea what question he asked her but when she answered her eyes shifted from Carlisle, to me to Charlie’s. I had no idea that Charlie had even arrived. Carlisle sent us all out so he could examine Bella so I grabbed her hand and tried to show her that I was still with her. She squeezed mine and I reluctantly let it go as I left the room with the others.

We shuffled around the hallway till Charlie came back out and said for us to wait for Carlisle in his office. I tried not to let this scare me but I decided that this was a battle that I was just going to lose. At this point Bella breathing would scare me that I was losing her in any way for a while.

I paced and listened to Alice and Esme drone on about who knows what. Charlie and I met each other in our different patterns of pacing off and on. Each time he met my eyes I saw something in there that I couldn’t define. It looked more like pity or perhaps hesitation. I saw hesitation, like he had something to say but just couldn’t decide if it needed to be said now. I tried to convey that he could trust me, that I would take care of Bella right now and figure it all out after that. He just smiled at me, clapped me on the back and kept pacing.

Carlisle walked back into his office; his face read his clear relief. Before he could even say a word I was out the door and back to Bella’s room. I knocked just in case and when she murmured to me I let myself in.

She was pulling on my hoodie that she stole from me a few years ago. It made my heart swell to know that she kept a part of me around. Stupid, I know but still felt it anyway.

She made a joke about it but I saw it for what it was, she needed me even if in a small way.

She asked me about how long I was here; finally we could talk about what was going to happen.

I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around her; she turned slightly but just a small amount. I hoped that I hadn’t hurt her.

I dismissed it and told her about how long I would be there with her, we talked about food and I tried to just be normal with her. I prayed that I made it look normal; I was so scared that she would see right through me and send me away again. I just needed to be with her right now, close to her and keep her safe from anything else. Just long enough to let her heal then we can talk about the serious stuff and sort us out. Right now my job was to protect her and let her heal.

I held her when she cried again, at what I assume was a memory of Renee. God, she felt so good against me.

We made our way back to everyone else and they agreed to eat with us. Alice worked it out so that Bella and I could drive to the diner by ourselves. Have I mentioned how much I love Alice? Seriously, loved her to pieces, she always knew how to give Bella and I our space. She just knew that I couldn’t share Bella right now and I would always be thankful to her.

A large smile settled over my face and Bella asked me about it.

“What’s that smile for?” A small smile was creeping across her face as well.

“I just can’t believe we’re here together, going to get breakfast at the diner. This is so far from where I thought I would be if you had asked me a week ago. I just find it funny, the complete about face we’ve made.”

Chapter 14- The Walls All Come Tumbling Down

Chapter 14- The Walls All Come Tumbling Down

Bella

Time passed quickly and I was able to make it through Renee and Phil's memorial service with Edward's help. We decided to have the service in Jacksonville, so all of Phil's teammates and his fans could come. It was a much larger service than I would like to have had, but it was nice. And thanks to the owner of Phil's baseball team, all of us were able to fly down to Jacksonville together; he sent his personal jet to take us.

Because I needed to deal with the legalities of Renee and Phil's estate Edward and I stayed two extra days. The will named me their executer and stated that Phil and Renee wanted me to have almost everything; knowing that the only family Phil had was an elderly Aunt that lived in a nursing home here in Florida I wasn't completely caught off guard that they would have chosen me for the responsibility of taking care of things.

I however never expected to get anything from either of them, and if it would change what happened I would have gladly give it all back. Renee didn't have a lot of money when she married Phil, but Phil being a Major League ball player seemed to not only make a lot of money but also it seems he saved and invested very well.

The way the will was worded it would provided enough money each month for his Aunt to live in the nursing home until she passed away. I was thankful that the lawyers would take care of ensuring that those bills got paid. I would never have been able to take the money knowing that she would do without, but this way we both were taken care of. I actually would have enough money to help support me for the rest of my life, because I was not an extravagant person. I liked to live simply, and I would never be happy sitting at home. I would work, so the money could be invested and I could use it when I needed.

It was nice to have the extra cushion, especially now, knowing I had another person to support. It really did help take a very large weight off of my shoulders.

Edward and I went to Renee and Phil's house. We went room by room and packed up anything I wanted. The rest we donated to a local Women's Shelter, they promised that women who were leaving the shelter to live on their own would be given the stuff to help them get started on their new life. I felt like this was what Phil and Renee would want. Once we took care of shipping the boxes of stuff that I wanted home, we went straight to the airport. I couldn't handle being in their house knowing that they would never be again. I broke down several times throughout the day and couldn't wait to get home to get some rest. The lawyer that was handling the will was also going to handle getting the house on the market and would handle the sale completely.

It was hard to be with Edward 24 hours a day, and hide my pregnancy. I almost broke down and told him too many times to count. I wanted him and my new life more than anything, but I was too afraid to grab it. That was my greatest source of panic, how to keep Edward and the baby as well. I was afraid he would be angry no matter what at this point.

I was sitting contemplating this very subject when Edward called, he wanted to do a little Christmas shopping before the malls got too busy, so I told him to come on over and we could head on out. As he was coming in the door I was heading up the stairs to go and change my shirt. I called to him over my shoulder, "Edward, I will be right back down, I'm just going to run up to my room to change my shirt."

I ran up to my room and grabbed the shirt I needed, and decided to run to the bathroom before we left. My pregnant bladder was not going to hold out until Port Angeles. I pulled my shirt over my head, and threw it in the hamper. I stood up to wash my hands and put on some deodorant. I stood at the sink arms raised in the air, my girly smelling deodorant poised at my right arm pit when Edward opened the bathroom door. I froze; I only had on my pants and a bra. My pregnant belly exposed for him to see. I felt his gaze move across my skin as his eyes traced the curves of my breasts, down to my stomach and stopped there. His eyes became as large as saucers, and his mouth fell open. Edward grabbed me by my arm and turned me to face him. Everything seemed to move in slow motion, I tried to take in his expressions but they changed too quickly to register them. I was certain that I saw shock, anger and for a brief second a flicker of love.

He reached up and touched my stomach, he ran his hand over the middle, and he was greeted by a full kick from my little angel. My stomach dropped into my shoes as his face suddenly showed a look of horror.

"Bella, why didn't you tell me about this? Is this what I think it is? What I felt it is? When did this happen and who's is it?" His voice stuttered through his questions.

I grabbed my shirt to put it on, and he ripped it out of my hands. He just stood there staring at my stomach. I tried to cross my arms over my stomach, and he pulled them away as well.

"Edward, I didn't know how to tell you, I didn't want anything to change between us. With everything else going on, I couldn't handle one more thing to deal with. I know I was wrong, but I was so scared. Please don't be angry at me. Please tell me what you're thinking?"

"Bella, when did you get pregnant, is that my baby you're carrying?" His voice was a cauldron of mixed emotions all rolled into one and trying to hold on the small amount of control he seemed to have on himself.

I couldn't meet his eyes, I turned my head away. I knew that the lies didn't go over so well with Charlie and Edward certainly knew me better than Charlie. So, I was stuck. I didn't want to lie, I really wanted Edward to know about the baby. But another part of me wanted him to have the best life possible for him, and it didn't include a knocked up girlfriend when he had a long road of college and medical school ahead of him.

When I didn't answer him, he walked over and lifted my chin so I would have to meet his eyes.

"Bella, you went off to college and had sex with some other guy, got pregnant, and thought you could run home and good old Edward would take care of you and the baby? Bella, do you take me for a fool? All this time I thought you were interested in me again, now I find out you only need a father for your child. Give me a break Bella, to think I never stopped loving you for one minute. I can't believe you." His rant scared me, I had finally pushed him too far. He assumed the worst about me and now I had to fix it as quickly as possible.

"Edward, wait, let me explain." I begged him, as I grabbed his hand to pull him closer to me. I needed to touch him, to feel his skin, so that I could be calmed by his skin and therefore I could calm him. Because as much as I wanted Edward to live his life and fulfill his dreams, I didn't want him to spend the rest of his life hating me. He needed to know about his baby, he needed to know right now.

"Explain, explain Bella! What could you possible say that will make this okay?" He yanked his hand out of my grip and pulled away. "I need to go, I need to get out of here." He turned and began to jog down the stairs. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head so I could follow.

"Edward, wait, don't leave, please, I can explain." I called out as I tried to maneuver the stairs as quickly as I could, being me and pregnant.

When I reached the front door, it stood wide open and Edward was racing to his car parked at the curb. "I don't want to hear it Bella, I don't want to hear anything you have to say." He yelled out at me, without so much as a turn of his head. He kept rushing towards his car and before I could even make it to the front yard he had it started and was half way down the street.

I grabbed the keys to Billy Black's old Toyota; he lent it to Charlie until his truck was repaired. I headed to Edward's house, hoping that is where he was going. I called Alice, I was hoping she would understand and help me explain to Edward. He always listened to her. She answered on the third ring.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded strange, not her usual bubbly self.

"Alice, I need help." I cried.

"Bella, I have Edward on the other line, I'm not sure I can help you." I gasped; all at once I had lost the only support system that I had. I never expected Alice to not be there for me. She was always there, no matter what. I realized she was still speaking to me. "I don't think I understand and I'm not sure how you can do what you did and still say you have any feelings for my brother. I need to go Bella, Edward needs me." The line disconnected and I sat looking at the silent phone in my hand.

Edward's POV

"Carlisle, Carlisle, where are you?" I yelled at him, I knew he didn't like for us to raise our voices, but someone had to help me figure this out. I was totally lost and once again Bella had completely blindsided me. Why was I so stupid when it came to her?

"Edward, I'm up here what is wrong, why are you yelling?" Carlisle asked as I heard his feet shuffle across the floor upstairs.

"Carlisle please come down here, I have something to ask you." I paid no attention to his gently admonishment of my raised voice.

"Be right down." He sighed.

Alice walked in the back door, and I called her into the dining room as well. I decided this was the best place to call them to, since the dining room is where we had all of our family conferences, and this definitely required a family conference.

"Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Esme, would all of you please come into the dining room, now!"

As they all arrived in the dining room looking shocked I began with what I needed.

"I need to speak to all of you; did any of you know Bella is pregnant?" I figured that there was no time to waste with preliminaries that none of us cared about.

I could hear the gasps of almost everyone in the room, Alice knew because I called her on the way home, so she found out from me. But Carlisle didn't have any reaction at all, so I focused on him.

"When, when did you find out?" I hated sounding so demanding, but I was hurt and furious, and I needed to know how long this deception had been going on.

"Edward, I found out the night Bella had the accident. I was going to x-ray her neck for injuries, she wouldn't let me, she told me about the pregnancy then." I recoiled in anger and frustration. I felt just as betrayed by Carlisle as I did Bella. He obviously saw my reaction because he continued with his explanation. "But because I was her treating physician I couldn't share any of that, you know that there are privacy laws that they take very seriously and Bella made it perfectly clear that she wanted to invoke them, in fact I really shouldn't even be talking to you about this at all." He held his hand out and began to move in my direction. I stepped behind the dining room chair that was pulled out. "I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you and I almost did so many times. I was hoping that Bella would do the right thing." He stepped closer to me again and this time I stayed in place. Carlisle continued talking. "This by no means explains her actions, but she has been through quite a lot. Her mind might be a little off, so to speak. Pregnancy has been known to do things to the chemical balances in women, and with the stress of losing her Mom; well she has been through a lot. That's all I'm going to say." He held his hands up and moved further away from me and closer to Esme. I could see the hurt in his eyes, and hopefully he understood how betrayed I felt by the fact that he withheld something like this from me.

"Did she tell you whose baby it is?" I needed to know how much Bella had told Carlisle. Embarrassment and shame flooded through my body just knowing that the family would know our darkest secrets now.

"I asked her if it was your baby, she said it was. She asked me to give her some time to figure out what to do about it." I jammed a hand through my hair. I just couldn't believe that Bella, my Bella, would keep something this big from me. "That is why I agreed to give her some time, this was the night that she found out about her mom and Phil. I decided to give her a break. She really did have a lot on her plate at that moment." His explanation made sense. "I'm sorry, son, I had no idea she would wait so long. I really am sorry."

Esme stood and walked towards me with a gentle smile on her face. "Edward, may I interject? I know you are furious but Bella has a lot going on right now. I know from experience that being pregnant does crazy things to your mind. It makes you forgetful, and very emotional. So emotional, in fact, that it makes things seem too hard to accomplish." She patted me on the back and rubbed her hand across in a soothing motion. It certainly helped me but then Bella's image flashed across my mind again and the anger came back full force. . "She loves you, Edward, you can tell it by the way she calmed when you called. I watched her and she was visibly calmer, just from talking to you. I think you need to take some time, cool down and go back and talk to her. I know it will be hard, but you need to find out what she has to say. Hear her out and then make a decision on what to do. " I hated it when my mom was right, and she usually was. Her ideas made perfect sense, there has to be more.

"Carlisle, did Bella tell you when her due date is?" I asked as a thought took form in my mind.

"Yes, she said it was February 18th." Understanding passing across his face.

"So then we can count backwards and get a better idea of when she got pregnant, right?" I expounded on the thought I could see already forming in his head.

"Oh, Edward you're a genius." Emmett shouted, because he couldn't stand it if he wasn't part of every discussion in some form, even if he didn't really help at all.

I could see Rose doing the calculations in her head as she began saying "Edward, do you realize that February 18th is only three and a half months away? If we do the math we can estimate that Bella got pregnant in the end of May. There is no way that baby belongs to anyone other than you! That has to be your baby Edward." Rosalie exclaimed. I knew that Rosalie had always wanted kids herself so I didn't know if her own feelings were clouding her judgment about this situation, but her math was correct. That fact we couldn't deny. Bella was pregnant with my child and she hid it from me.

As Rose's words hit me full force and I staggered back into the chair, I was going to be a father, in a little over three months. Bella and I were going to be parents; I was stunned at all of the details I missed, all the doctor visits, listening to the heartbeats, seeing the ultrasounds. I was so angry at her, and suddenly I thought of her at college over three thousand miles from home, alone and pregnant. I couldn't imagine how hard that had been on her, and then to face this, all the while dealing with pregnancy and hiding it from everyone. Why was she hiding it? Was it to protect me, and if so why?

I needed to have some time to think, so I got in my Volvo and drove. I realized a few miles outside of Seattle that I still couldn't make any sense of what has happened in the last few months. Bella was still the same, yet somehow different; something I couldn't put my finger on had changed, something that in her mind was big, more than big, super massive. Otherwise she wouldn't have changed her whole life. She didn't like change, so something else must be driving this change in her, but what the fuck was it? And if I didn't know what this "something" was, how was I going to figure out how to fight against it?

I rubbed my eyes and realized that it was almost two am. I pulled over at the next exit; there was a diner on the left side of the road and a motel on the right side. I sat trying to decide if I wanted sleep or coffee more, sleep won.

I checked into the motel and went straight into the room. I didn't take my clothes off; I just fell down on the bed.

I wanted to spend more time thinking and trying to figure out what to do, my mind was boggled with the fact that in a few months I would be a father. I wondered if it would look like Bella or me. I wanted it to look like Bella, but wait what if it was a boy? Would I want my boy to look like Bella? The answer was yes, no matter what I wanted all of my children to look like her.

I'm certain I was asleep and dreaming because I could see Bella sitting in a rocking chair and breastfeeding a small baby. She looked so beautiful, the baby was hard to focus on, but it made my heart burst open with love. I sat up in a cold sweat, I knew no matter what we would be okay, but I had to find a way for Bella to open up to me and tell me what was causing this change. I would drive home tomorrow and try to talk to her. I still wanted and loved her, no matter what her change had been I needed her to know that one simple fact, this baby changed nothing between us. I still love her, I have always loved her. With that thought on my mind I fell asleep again.

I awoke the next morning early, which was a surprise since I didn't get to bed until after three am. I guess it was the new attitude I had towards Bella and our baby. I couldn't wait to get home to talk to her. I realized that I needed her just as much as I always did. But right now I certainly needed coffee too.

I checked out and went across the street for the diner. I called Esme on the way across, and she answered right away. I felt bad for making her worry; I should have called last night no matter how late it was.

"Hello, Edward is that you? Are you okay?" Her voice sounded tired and weary. My guilt tripled when I heard her concern.

"Mom I'm fine, I'm sorry for not calling last night, I just wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't mean for you to worry, please forgive me?" I needed to calm her down as quickly as possible. I didn't want her to worry for a second longer.

"Edward, of course I forgive you, where are you?" Her tone softened with each word and she was back to normal by the end of the sentence.

I chuckled; I knew she couldn't be mad at any of us for any amount of time. "I'm at a little diner, I stopped at a motel at almost three this morning. I was too tired to drive anymore, so I stayed here." I looked around trying to get an idea of where in the hell I was exactly. "I'm not sure exactly where I am, but I'm coming home. I need to talk to Bella again." Esme's small gasp could be heard loud and clear through the phone. I could almost imagine her smiling face when she realized that I wanted to give Bella the chance to explain. "She needs to understand that none of this changes how I feel about her. I love her and I love our baby, you should have seen her Mom. She had her arms raised and she was beautiful, our baby making her stomach stick out. Every time I close my eyes I see her and want our life together even more. I'll leave here in a few minutes and I'll call you when I get closer. Do you think Alice is too angry to check on Bella?" My excitement grew with each word I said to her. I meant every single syllable.

"I think Alice was worried about you and took her anger out on Bella. They are almost as close as you and Bella, but they'll be okay. I'll talk to her and see if she'll go and talk with Bella. Don't worry we'll take care of her until you get here. Be careful and I love you!"

I drove for what seemed like hours, and I still had over an hour to go. I had not heard from Alice, so I wasn't sure how Bella was doing. I needed to talk to her and soon. I was afraid that the cruel words I said to her were too much on her. How could I be so stupid to say those things? She had already had enough emotional stuff to deal with, and on top of it I put more on her. I didn't deserve her at all, I hope she would allow me to make it up to her. My phone began to ring with Alice's ringtone, I grabbed it up.

"Hello Alice, are you with Bella?"

"Edward, no. Bella's not home, I'm not sure where she is." The frustration in Alice's voice clearly showed. I knew she was kicking herself for not taking the time to listen to Bella's explanation. I knew this in part was my fault; Alice has always been like a twin to me. We matched each other's personalities and complimented them as well. She allowed my anger to fuel hers and she reacted with hate towards Bella. I felt like I owed her an apology for pushing her to that point. "I'll wait here for her, I have a few things I need to straighten out with her also. I feel awful for tearing into her like that, I was so hurt to know she would keep something like this from you. I need to fix this, I missed her so bad last night, and I'm sure she is not ready to have any more upheaval in her life. So drive careful and I'll wait for her. " Alice sounded more like herself as she spoke about asking for Bella's forgiveness.

"Just don't leave her until I get there, I don't want anything to happen to her or our baby." I gushed over those words…our baby.

"Aww, so cute, be careful."

I flipped the phone closed and stepped on the gas a little more. I knew I was speeding and hoped I didn't get stopped, but I needed to get to Bella, and fast.

Chapter 9- I Need To Get Home

Chapter 9- I need to get home

Bella

The next few hours were a whirlwind of activity. I had decided I better stop at work first as I was now late for my shift, I spoke with my supervisor who told me to take as much time as I needed. She assured me that I would always have a job when I was ready to return.

I was also able to speak with my Professors; they each gave me several reading assignments and papers to write. Because of the mitigating circumstances they understood that I would more than likely not be back before the end of the semester and instead of taking finals they each assigned me an additional paper to complete, I would just e-mail the papers by the agreed upon dates. This allowed me to complete the semester with full credit and honestly gave me one less thing to worry about. I only had about a month until we left for winter break so I could finish up with ease in Forks.

When I finally made it back to our room, I sat watching Angela as she packed my clothes into a suitcase. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to have a friend like her; she has been incredible to me.

I called Charlie to tell him the flight time and number that Ben booked me a seat on. I was a little worried about flying after hearing about Renee and Phil, but honestly how else was I going to get back to Charlie.

I called my Doctor and told them what happened. I asked if I needed to worry about flying at this stage in my pregnancy, I also canceled my appointment for my monthly check and my 20-week ultrasound. I was really looking forward to this appointment, my first ultrasound was at 12 weeks and the baby looked more like a sea horse then a baby. The Doctor assured me that it was very safe for me to fly at this time and called me in a mild sedative, stating that it will not only help me with the nerves on the flight but will help me deal with some of the stress. That of course reminded me that stress isn't good for the baby so I was grateful for him being proactive. He instructed me to take one tablet when I get on the flight and verified that I had someone pick me up at the airport just in case they hadn't worn off before I got there.

I decided that with everything that was going on I needed to call Alice, I needed my best friend, and while I really wanted to call Edward, I figured it was best to start small. I had about four hours before my flight when I called Alice, as soon as I heard her voice I lost it; I just started crying uncontrollably. Thankfully Angela took the phone and explained what had happened today, and about my flight home to Forks, they talked for a while before Angela gave the phone back to me. I held it up to my ear and continued to cry while Alice calmed me down, like only Alice could. She spoke to me for what seemed like hours and told me that everything would be okay; she told me she could fly back with me if I needed. As always Alice said all the things I needed to hear, and by the time we were done on the phone I felt ready to fly to Forks.

Angela and Ben drove me to the airport, and helped me get checked in. They waited patiently with me until I had to go through security. When I couldn't wait any longer I turned towards Angela, who was already holding out the pill I needed, along with a bottle of water. I silently took the pill and hugged her and Ben. I mumbled my thanks and took my place in line, fortunately security was quick for once and I was able to get to my gate and relax a little before I had to board. I had only been sitting for about 5 minutes when I felt my phone vibrate; I opened it immediately expecting it to be Charlie, I hesitated when I heard the voice on the other end of the phone but if there was ever a time I needed to hear from Edward it was now.I needed to hear him say things would be okay.

"Bella, I hope its okay that I called. I just talked to Alice and I wanted to check on you. Is this okay?" His voice was thick with emotion and uncertainty.

"Edward, of course it's okay. I appreciate you checking on me." I knew that I wanted to tell him so many things. Starting with I'm having your baby and ending with I still love you; come make my life all okay again. So I filled the void with meaningless chatter to keep the truth out. "I'm just about to catch a flight back to Forks. Charlie thought that it would be better for me to be at home with him, that way we would be together when other news came in. I think I'm okay, but I feel like I'm in a fog, you know?"

"Bella, it's a little hard to take in that kind of news and not feel like that, it's going to be alright. Just get to Forks and take care of yourself, okay? Can you promise me that?"

"I will Edward, I have to go they are calling for me to board. Can you call me later when I get to Forks?"

"I will love, talk to you soon."

I suddenly felt calm, and I was sure it was the combination of the medicine and talking to Edward. His voice always did wonders for my soul and calmed me like no other ever would.

I texted Alice quickly before the pilot came on and asked us to turn off our cell phones and we took off.

A

Thanks for having E call me, how do you always know exactly what I need?

U R the best! Luv 2 U! Call U when I get to Forks.

B

I shut the phone, and closed my eyes.

The next thing I knew the Flight Attendant was waking me because we had arrived in Seattle. I stood and grabbed my carry on, and made my way off of the plane.

Charlie was waiting for me right outside of the gate. I guess he had used his badge to get all the way up here. I was so thankful, I wasn't sure I could make my way around the airport looking for him. I still felt a little woozy and wanted to sleep. He hugged me and we went to look for my suitcase.

I opened my phone and sent a quick text to Angela.

Ang

I'm here, Dad was the gate and we're on the way home.

Thnks agn for all ur help! I'll call u when I know something.

B

I then typed another to Alice and Edward.

A & E

I'm in Forks, Charlie was the gate waiting for me.

I'm almost home now.

Thnks 2 u both, u both r the best frnds I could have.

Call u when I know something. Luv 2 u both!

B

I turned my phone off; I wanted a few minutes to be with Charlie. I wanted some peace and quiet, before all hell broke loose. Because I was sure that all hell was definitely about to break loose, it was only a matter of time. I could feel it in my bones. I took a deep calming breath and laid my head back against the headrest in the car.

Edward

"Alice this had better be good, I have a massive test tomorrow and I need to study." I flipped open my third text book to search for the answer to the question that had eluded me for a half an hour. "Really, I don't want to hear about your shopping trip! If that is what this call is for, then sorry but I don't have time." I knew I was a little short with her, but I really needed to study. I was not in the mood to hear about the twentieth shopping trip this week. She really needed to make some friends at school, so she could share this shit with them.

"Edward, Bella just called, she's on her way back to Forks. Her Mom and Phil were on their way to California for a charity event and their plane lost communication with the tower and disappeared from radar as well." I was certain that I had not heard Alice correctly.

"What?" I almost shouted at Alice.

"Bella was so upset she couldn't even tell me herself, I had to talk to Angela to understand what was going on. I just talked to her for about two hours. She's not good, and I 'm afraid that Charlie only wants her to get home so he can tell her that Renee and Phil aren't just lost. I don't know what to do for her Edward, she's my best friend and I can't help her. I need help, what do I do?" She was in tears, emotions laced between all of her words.

I had never heard Alice like this before, usually she knew the outcome about things before they happened and was able to stay calm and reassure me when I freaked out.

"Alice I'm going to call Jasper for you and tell him what has happened. I'll have him call you, and I'll check on Bella. I know we aren't together anymore, but we were close friends for a long time, hopefully I can help her feel better. I'll call you later, it'll be fine Alice. I'll take care of it, okay?"

"Okay, Edward, thanks, I love you!"

I hung up and just sat in shock. I had no idea how to handle this.

Bella was all alone and had to deal with this…alone. My heart ached to be with her, hold her and tell her that she would make it through all of this. It wouldn't be easy at all, but she was strong, so she would make it through.

I knew first hand how much this would hurt; I had lived through the pain of losing my parents. Granted it was a long time ago, but at times the pain was still just as strong. For years I held onto so much guilt because I felt like it was my fault they died.

It was their anniversary and I suggested that they go out for dinner, even got myself invited to a friend's house to spend the night. They could enjoy their night out without worrying about me at all. Little did I know that it would be the worst decision I had ever made. They went to dinner, they went dancing and on the way home a drunk driver killed them both. To make matters worse, I never even said goodbye to them. I rushed off to play with my friend without a single word of farewell. My second biggest regret.

I became bitter and angry, shutting out everyone around me. Punishing myself like I punished them. Never realizing that it was not actually my fault at all, the responsibility rested squarely on the shoulders of the man who decided that on that particular night he would drink and drive. My eleven year old mind never even pondered that concept at all.

Thankfully Carlisle and Esme took me in. Made me a part of their family and never gave up on me when I resisted. They never turned me away no matter how hard I worked to make them hate me. No matter how much I wanted to punish myself, they never allowed it.

All of them, Emmett and Alice as well, worked hard until it finally sunk into the deep recesses of my brain that I did not actually kill my parents. I did nothing wrong. I was a small child who only wanted his parents to enjoy a special night. Esme made me realize that my parents would never want me to be this angry or bitter about their death. They would want me to remember the fond memories and know that I was loved. As loved as any child could ever have been loved.

It took some work but eventually I 'belonged' to the Cullens. I fit in their puzzle and filled my spot. Emmett was the big brother that I never knew I wanted. He was loud, obnoxious, always ready with a joke, full of smart assed comebacks-and absolutely perfect for my sullen self. Alice was full of life, she was always in motion, and she never allowed me to say no to her hair brained schemes. I was always a part of them, often times not willingly, but still a part.

Carlisle and Esme also played a large part in my change. Carlisle was so patient and willing to listen. He was the first to allow me to talk, speak my mind. No matter how mean, bitter or wrong I was he allowed me to vent the confusing emotions. Esme on the other hand was my calm and peaceful resting place. I would go to her when I needed to be held and soothed. Often Esme was the person that I allowed to soothe my tears. Talking with Carlisle allowed me to open the festering wound and cleanse it of the vile feelings that kept it steeped in sickness, while Esme's gentle spirit and love was the salve that healed it and allowed it to close without any visible scars. All of them in their own way pulled me out of my shell. Showed me that life must go on and I could still enjoy being part of a family.

Later when Emmett started dating Rosalie and eventually Jasper started dating Alice, it simply added to the dynamics. Jasper provided the quiet calm reassurances of strength and fortitude. Rosalie had a hard exterior but a really soft heart under it all. She didn't let you in easily but once she did, she would die protecting you. They completed their partners in ways that were indescribable. I hoped, begged and prayed for a partner so that I had that possibility of the perfect future that I saw when I looked at all of them. When my eyes met Bella's across the cafeteria her first day of school in Forks, I knew. I knew I had found her, the one, my other half.

My heart skipped a beat and lurched in pain as I thought of her alone, and dealing with this kind of pain. I wanted to take it all away for her, make it all better. I quickly dialed Jasper to fill him in so I could call Bella.

He answered right away.

"Jas, you free?"

"Yeah, what's up, I thought you had to study today?" He sounded distracted.

"I do, but Alice just called me. Bella's Mom and Phil were on the plane that went missing in California. Bella's on her way back to Forks; Charlie wants her to go home."

"Holy shit, Edward, are you kidding me?" Jasper's normal laid-back manner was gone for the moment and he sounded just as blown away as I was over this news.

"No, I wish I was. Alice is a wreck." I ran my hand through my hair, the fairly common sign that I was indeed worried. "She's worried that Charlie will tell Bella that they didn't survive when she gets back to Forks. She's really scared, I told her I'd call you so you could call her and calm her down."

"Hold on, how did Alice find out?" The sounds that just seconds before surrounded Jasper suddenly quieted, he must have slipped off somewhere so he wouldn't be bothered by the noise any longer.

"Bella called her and told her, I guess. Look, I told Alice I'd call and talk to Bella. Do you think that is a good idea? I don't want to take advantage of an already terrible situation, but I know Bella needs some support right now." Once again I felt my hand run through my already unruly hair. My tell tale sign that I was nervous as hell. "Please tell me Jas, if this was you, would you call?" I begged him, worry and fear for Bella growing in my mind as the minutes ticked by. I felt the worst kind of pain knowing that she was alone here and needing to get home to Charlie.

"Edward, you should call. Bella needs the support, and we were all very close for a long time. It'd be normal for any of us to call. I'll call her later after I talk to Alice, to check in with her as well." I nodded like a fucking idiot, knowing that Jasper couldn't see it but the action made me feel better. "We need to be there for her, she's our family, no matter what happened. Call her dude. But look, just keep it short unless she wants to talk. Keep it friendly, no love stuff, got it?"

"Of course not, call Emmett and Rose for me, and then call Alice. I'll call Bella now. Please ask Em and Rose to check in on her as well, maybe if we all call she won't feel any pressure. She'll just know we care for her."

"Sure thing, you good?"

"Yeah, man, thanks. Talk to you later."

"Later."

I closed the phone, sat down on the edge of the bed, and took a deep breath.

I could do this. Concentrate on her pain, and helping her, that will get you through the call. She needs you, and she's probably at her lowest now, so just take care of her.

I would worry about myself later. With that final thought I dialed the number and waited.

"Hello."

She sounded terrible; her voice was flat, and emotionless. I could hear the panic right below the surface.

Maybe I could call Dad and have him give her something to help with her nerves, something mild to get her through this.

"Bella, I hope it's okay that I called, I just talked to Alice and I wanted to check on you. Is this okay?"

I held my breath; I hoped that I haven't made anything worse on her.

Please, please say it's okay Bella.

Bella began talking to me; I couldn't tell you what in the world she said. I only listened to the tone of her voice, the absence of her emotions and the flat cadence that it flowed over the phone lines and into my ears. I realized that I had basically tuned out her words and had no idea what she was saying and if she needed me to do anything to help her get to Forks.

"I think I'm okay, but I feel like I'm in a fog, you know?"

All I wanted to do in that moment was hold her in my arms and let her cry her hurt out. It hurt knowing that I couldn't do that for her, her pain was hers this time and I couldn't help her. All I could do was offer her some useless words and hope that was enough. I would fly to Forks right now if she needed me, but I couldn't push her. She needed to ask for me.

I tried to reassure her with silly words about getting news like that and not taking it hard. I asked her to take care of herself. She had to know that she was still the most important person in my life, even though she wasn't technically still in my life; she still meant everything to me. She was my whole world. I never stopped loving her not for one moment and I knew that even after everything I never would love anyone else, she was it for me, I just hoped that one day she would realize it. I made her promise me that she would be careful.

"I will Edward, I have to go they're calling for me to board, call me later when I get to Forks, okay?"

My heart skipped a beat, hearing her ask for my call was the purest form of joy for me.

"I will love, talk to you soon."

I shut the phone and lay back on my bed. I thought that the pain of losing Bella was the greatest pain I've ever known, I was wrong, this was. I couldn't take this pain away for her. I couldn't really even make it any better, no matter what I did. I felt so helpless.

I called Em and Rose to make sure that Jasper called them, he could have a one track mind when it came to Alice. I couldn't blame him, I was the same with Bella, I put her before everything else.

"Hey Edward, you okay?"

"Yeah, Emmett, did Jasper call you about Bella?"

"He did, but he didn't talk much. He wanted to call Alice and check on her, but he told us what he knew. Did you call Bella?"

"Yeah, we didn't get to talk long. She was being called to board her flight. I think that might have been for the best though, not enough time to get myself into any trouble, just enough to let her know I was here for her. You know?"

"Well, dude, I'll call her later when Rose gets here so we can both talk to her. Don't worry about her. Between us and Charlie, we'll take care of her Ed. She's our family, as much as Rose and Jasper are, you know?"

"That's funny that's what Jasper said. I guess I never realized how everyone had really woven into one big family, and I didn't know you guys were so attached to Bella."

"Edward, you and Bella are meant to be together, you may take the long route to get there, but trust me it'll happen. She is our sister and we take care of our family. Don't ever forget that. She'll be fine. I'll call you after we talk to her, or call me if you get any more news. Okay?"

"Okay, talk to you later."

Who knew Emmett could have such a soft side. I knew he always liked Bella, but I never knew how attached he was to her. Now that I looked at it she completed our family, in a way no one else ever could. She had formed an attachment with each member in her own way, an attachment that each of us was looking for. She filled a void that couldn't be filled by any of the rest of us. I realized for the first time how her leaving affected us all, not just me. I was too involved in my own pain to see anyone else's pain. I felt like I had let them down a little, I retreated into my own world, and left them alone. Hopefully I could make that up to them.

I began pacing and wondering how long it would take her to get to Seattle, then Forks, and then settled at Charlie's. How long before I could call her again? I knew studying was not going to happen. So, I cleaned up my desk and closed my books. I knew this material anyway. I would pass with flying colors. I needed to talk to someone to keep from going crazy and flying home right now. I called our home number, and waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello."

"Mom, are you okay, you sound out of breath?"

"I'm fine, I was in the garage looking for something, and I had to run to get the phone in time. What about you Edward, are you okay?" The knowing tone to her voice let me know that she already knew what I was going through.

"Yeah, Alice called me about Bella. I called her and she was about to get on the plane, so we couldn't talk for long. It was so good to hear her voice but Mom, she sounded like hell. I almost didn't recognize her voice. I'm so worried about her. I don't know if she can take this, this is too much for her. How do I help her?" I let the emotions rush out of me and into the phone, hoping that Esme had the miracle answer for all of this.

"Edward, you can only be there for her, and be her friend. If she wants more than that she'll let you know. I know Alice is worried about the same thing, she feels terrible that she's all the way in New York when Bella needs her. I told her to hang on, you only have about a month to winter break, and all of you can come home. You all can see Bella then. Besides, she's stronger than any of you give her credit for." I sniffed and tried to stop the tears that were flowing when I thought of how broken Bella would end up over this if it turned out badly. "I'll go by later and see her and Charlie. I'll take them some food and offer my help. I don't know if I can really do anything but be there for them. Edward, she'll be okay, and you will as well." Her voice sounded so tender and sweet. Just as soothing as my Mom's did.

I closed my eyes and allowed my brain to drift back and remember my Mom as she was before her death.

I still can't believe when I look back that I ever thought Esme Cullen wasn't going to be a good mother, I had convinced myself when I came to live with them that she could never be as good as a mother as my mom was. I of course was wrong, Esme was born to be a mother and she waited patiently until I came around. She was wise enough not to try to push herself on me; she let me come to her. I loved her for every single thing she has ever done for me. I was so thankful for her being close to Bella as well; she has always been able to comfort Bella.

"How do you do that?" I asked my eyes still closed as the images of both my Mom and Esme together floated before my eyes.

"What?"

"Say exactly what I need to hear. You do it all of the time. Thanks for helping Bella, it means a lot to me. I'm sorry I interrupted you. I'll let you go. I'm going to try to get some studying done. Thanks Mom." I rarely called Esme Mom, and I knew how her eyes softened when I did, I knew she would understand the gratitude I felt towards her when I used those two words.

"You're welcome Edward, call me later, I'll update you."

And with that she hung up. I felt better knowing that my Mom was going to be with Bella shortly. It was as good as I was going to get. At least with her there I can call and check on Bella without pushing Bella's limits.

Chapter 7- Sweet Freedom or Pure Hell?

Chapter 7- Sweet Freedom or Pure Hell?

Bella

My first day on my own, well technically on my own, in truth I really have been on my own for about 8 years. Renee was well Renee and that meant that it was my job to make sure that there was food on the table and the bills were being paid, at least until Phil became a part of her life. Charlie wasn't much different, he paid the bills but I still did all of the cooking and cleaning. It was liberating to know I only had to worry about me. I only had to worry about taking care of myself for the first time in my life. Not that I had free reign, Charlie didn't hover but he still loved details, but now I could do what I wanted, and go where I wanted without even checking in with anyone, it was very liberating.

I really hope that Charlie doesn't try to cook too often while I'm away.

I decided to go to the library, to not only see where I was going to be working, but also to get an idea of where everything was. As long as I could get used to my surroundings then I'd go wherever my little heart desired. I was on my own, and I would go where the wind blew, God, I am starting to sound like Renee.

Hello world!

After leaving the library I spent the day wandering around the campus and getting to know my way around. After several hours of walking I thought going back to the dorm and unpacking the rest of my things would be a good idea. At about eight, I decided that a pizza would be a great reward to myself for accomplishing all I needed to get done today. It felt so odd that I didn't have a kitchen to cook in.

I settled onto my bed with my pizza and my iPod. I tossed around the option of which playlist to listen to. Did I want to go happy and hear upbeat stuff, or spend my alone time with the sappy love song playlist while mourning for Edward. Okay that was a no brainer, I went sappy love songs.

I closed my eyes as Sara Barellis's smooth voice filled my head, something about her voice and the piano on "Gravity" made me fall in love with her at first listen. I had never thought the song applied to my life when I was with Edward, but I loved her voice so I put in on this playlist. Now, however, it was tearing me apart. I know it is not the kind of song Edward would listen to, but I knew he'd appreciate the lyrics now. Just to imagine him lying in his bed, alone, hurt and confused. I could feel my heart crack open a little more with each image that came to my mind.

I felt like I could almost reach out and touch him, smooth his hair, and tell him it was okay. He always loved it when I held him close to me, and would run my fingers through his hair while I rubbed his shoulder blades. I would do anything to let him know how sorry I was that I hurt him.

I had to force myself to lie back down onto the bed and not grab my phone. I wanted to call and tell him that I take it all back. Tell him how sorry I was for letting someone else make my decisions for me, but in truth all I wanted was what was best for him so I couldn't. And really I couldn't blame anyone for the decisions that brought me here, I could have confronted Esme or talked to Edward, no I did this, so I couldn't change my mind now, I had hurt him too much and it wouldn't be fair for me to find comfort for myself now.

After the song finished I put the pizza in the refrigerator and lay back down. I covered up and allowed the tears to fall. I let all my grief out and hoped that each day would get a little bit easier, and that I wouldn't allow myself to be swallowed up by the fear and hopelessness that I knew living without Edward would be. All the while praying that he would lead the happy full life that I wanted for him, without becoming bitter and negative because of the choices that I had made

Please allow that for him. God, please, I don't ask for much, just give him that.

When Monday finally came it was time to go to work, and work was, well work. I loved being in the library, ever since I could remember I loved the smell of books, and of course the possibilities that all the books held was so exciting. I wanted to be able to read them all and absorb the knowledge that authors were trying to impart on us with their work. Emmett would probably laugh at my well-known geeky side but that didn't make it any less true.

All of these things are what led me here, not just at Dartmouth but let me to my love of the written word. I wanted to write one day, not just write any book though, no I wanted to write a novel that would be loved like I love 'Pride & Prejudice', or 'Wuthering Heights'. I wanted someone to not just own my book, but love it, love it enough to read it multiple times and to have notes in the margin, and highlighted passages. To have the spine so used that it falls open to their favorite chapters. That is and always has been my goal, so for the time being I soaked up the library and knew that no matter what I would work towards that.

So work took up the time I wasn't in class or doing homework. It helped remind me that I needed something to do that I loved and hopefully that would help to keep me sane. My nightly ritual of mourning for Edward was starting to peel away my sanity layer by layer, and work gave me something else to occupy my thoughts.

So with that in mind, I settled into a routine of class, assignments, work and a few study group meetings to help with my classes, because it was summer semester, I didn't have many classes just an English Lit and a freshman math but, I liked the routine of it all, and with each day I was able to spend less time at night with Edward and more time in the present tense.

By the middle of July I felt like I might be able to make it through this with at least my sanity. It has been 6 weeks since I left Edward and while I spent most of my time wandering around like a zombie, only answering when someone asked me a question, I was at least starting to feel somewhat normal. I knew that there would never be anyone else for me, Edward was my heart but the more people started to show up for the new semester, the more I was able to snap out of my walks down memory lane. I was moving forward, and I knew when Angela arrived that would help. Angela and I had finally gotten word that we were in fact going to be roommates and I knew it would help for me to have someone I knew after a few months alone.

I knew that once Angela was here my façade of not regretting my decision about Edward would be cracked. We had spoken a couple of times and I continued to play it off that it was the right decision, I said if it were meant to be then maybe someday…Of course, Angela was very perceptive, just like Alice, she has always been able to see right into my brain and know what was going on in there. I really needed to have all of my unresolved feelings in check and knowing that I was starting to feel somewhat like a human being again gave me hope that I would be able to before Angela arrived.

Before I knew it, the end of July had descended and it was time for Angela to arrive. I had a ton of laundry to do but the last few days I hadn't been feeling the best. I think it may have been a stomach bug so yesterday I stayed in bed, instead of doing laundry. I felt a little better today but got a late start it was two or so, before I headed off to the cafeteria to try to eat a little. I was grateful that the food seemed to have helped and spent the last couple of hours before Angela was due to get here focusing on my neglected laundry.

I was so ready for her arrival when Angela knocked on my door I yanked it open as fast as I could and hugged her like I was Emmett, even managing to lift her off of the ground. She yelped as I was putting her feet back down on the ground.

"About time you got here, why did you make me wait so long," I joked.

After a couple of minutes of us jumping up and down and squealing like Alice, we went down to her car and grabbed some of her stuff. As soon as we found out that we were rooming together we coordinated so she wouldn't have to bring as much stuff out. I was thankful to not have to a ton of stuff to bring in and help unpack, even if we were on the first floor.

I smiled as I imagined what Alice's dorm room would look like, she'll have that thing packed from top to bottom, front to back. Okay, focus on our task, unpacking Angela. She smiled at me, like she knew where my mind went and understood. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and we walked back to her car.

After Angela's car was emptied, we ordered a pizza and relaxed, while she got me caught up about everything that had happened in Forks so far this summer. She eventually got around to the people I knew this conversation was really all about. Neither one of us cared about any of the others in Forks, she cared about her family and Ben Cheney, and I cared about the Cullen's and my dad that was it. So I assumed that this conversation was a way to help bring up the person she wanted to know about. She hedged into it slowly and it nearly killed me, I wish she would just rip into it like a band aid.

"Bella, I think it is time to tell me what really happened between you and Edward?" She paused and shook her head. "After you left I saw him once or twice, and he looked like hell. He was a wreck. He could hardly hold a conversation. I know you two broke up, but you made it sound like it was a mutual decision but he seems to have fallen into a deep depression, I am really worried about him and that makes me realize that I should probably be worrying about you, you tend to internalize everything after all. Have you talked to him?"

"No," I sighed, "I haven't talked to him. He left me a voice message after I got here. He seemed like he was upset, but that was only a few days after we broke up, so I expected him to be hurt. I hate hearing that he is still upset after all of this time." I tried to hide my emotions, but it was so hard to talk about him. When she did not say anything I continued, "I have spoke to Alice a few times and she hasn't mentioned him, I think she wanted too, but didn't. Maybe I should call her and check on him."

I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. I was so anxious and she picked up only after the second ring. I blew out a breath and spoke.

"Alice, hey, Angela just got here and we were unpacking her stuff. She was sharing what happened after I left Forks over the summer. She said she ran into Edward and he looked awful. Why didn't you tell me this?" I asked hesitantly.

"Bella, what was I supposed to say, that he was a mess and it's your fault." Shit, she sounded pissed, but I let her continue because I wanted to know what she thought…didn't I? "I was trying to spare you the details. I thought you'd like it that way. I didn't want to hurt you with his pain." I blinked my eyes to keep the tears at bay. "I knew you wouldn't like to hear it because it would make you feel like hell. Obviously I was right to spare you the details, because as soon as you heard how badly he was doing you called me, so it must bother you."

She sounded distant; I knew that the breakup would eventually affect the friendship that Alice and I had.

"Alice, of course it bothers me. He doesn't deserve this pain, and it kills me that he's going through this. I wish I could change this and make it all better. What can I do?" I was pacing back and forth and wring my hands as I willed my tears away. "I don't want to give him false hope, but I want to help him. Is there anything I can do, will anything help?"

My pain and suffering is enough for us both, he needs to let me go and move on. The longer he holds on the harder it will be for me to sit in the wings and watch him fly without me.

"Bella, I think at this point any contact is going to feel like you're coming back, and he definitely doesn't need that right now. He'll only get hurt worse if you make any effort." Edward's hopeful eyes drifted across my memory. I could see the devastation on his face if he heard from me and then realized that I wasn't coming back to him. It caused a stab of pain to shoot through my heart. "I think for you to leave him alone is the best way, I'm sorry I know that hurts you as well, but let's leave it as it is. He's coming around, I can't say each day is better, but each week is. He's finally starting to plan for his move. He still asks if I talk to you and he wants to hear about you. He loves you, but he's trying to let go. I think if he can get to a new place without your memories he'll be better off."

"Funny that's what I thought," I mumbled into the phone. I wasn't sure that Alice heard me, she sat silent for a few seconds before she spoke again.

"That sounds like regret Bella, is there something you aren't telling me? You know you can't hide anything from me." Alice took on that I-know-it-all-voice that she so often uses on me. I couldn't really complain, because most of the times she did have a way of knowing it all. Maybe I was too easy to read.

"Alice, I just thought that the new atmosphere would help, and in some way it has, but in others it has made it worse." Alice had no real idea of how much worse it had gotten for me. She would freak out if she did. I couldn't tell her anything resembling the real truth. "Edward and I were together for a long time, and it's hard to adjust to life without him at all." I blinked my eyes trying to keep the tears at bay, funny how just the mention of his name will bring them on. "In the past he was around every day, now he's not here at all. It was kind of like losing a boyfriend and best friend all at the same time. I miss his company, that's all." I released a large breath of air. I knew I had better try for some humor or else she would see that I was about to lose it big time. "Gosh, you are terrible. There is nothing here to read into, so stop." She didn't say anything so I needed to go with my next line of defense, ask about her and get her talking. "What about you, are you ready for the big city? How will you cope being away from everyone? I can't believe that we all couldn't spend an afternoon without being together and now we are all off in our own little part of the country, seems kind of weird doesn't it?"

Flashes of all of our fun times passed through my brain. I enjoyed being with the Cullen's as a group, each person had their own place and role in the family. Eventually I had fooled myself into thinking that I belonged as well.

"You have no idea, imagine how my Mom and Dad feel-in one swoop they have an empty house. I know that Mom is going to go stir crazy. She's picked up this massive renovation project to start on in early September. Maybe that will keep her busy until we can come home for winter break. Speaking of which, are you coming home for winter break?"

Winter break, it felt like it was years from now. But would I be ready to see everyone face-to-face by then? I had my doubts.

"I haven't thought about it, I guess I will. I have the money to fly so that will make the trip easier, but I'll let you know closer to that time." I knew I needed more deflection and quickly or I was going to break. "How is Jasper? When does he leave? Have you thought about both of you leaving at the same time so neither of you is left at the house alone? What about Em and Rose, when are they heading back?" If I pump her full of questions maybe she won't realize that I didn't say much about me.

"Jasper and I are flying out at the same time, well about an hour apart. I don't think either of us could stand being in the house alone. I feel for Edward when I think of the pain of that." A small whimper escaped my throat before I could stop it. Alice rushed to cover herself and her slip, "Sorry, I didn't mean anything by that, just strike it off of the record." I threw my hand over my mouth to stop any future noises, I did want to hear about Edward and if I made those kinds of noises again, Alice wouldn't talk about him at all. I focused back on Alice's monologue, "Em and Rose leave about two days after Jasper and I, then Edward leaves last. He'll leave the day after Em and Rose." I tuned out when I heard his name again, images of him flying out alone, and in the midst of his heartbreak-well it just made me want to cry some more. Alice again saved me from that fate as I focused on her explanations of the schedule for the Cullen family. "So like I said it will be a rough couple of days for Mom. Dad will keep her busy; he has planned a trip to Hawaii as a surprise for her. They leave after Edward does, so she won't have much time to feel bad. Oh, Jasper is calling for me. I guess I gotta go, tell Ang hi for me. Be good Bella, and love you!"

"Bye, Al. Give my love to everyone!" I bit my lip and realized that my normal farewell for her would not work anymore. "Well okay, strike that, just tell them all hi and I'm fine. Love back to you!"

Alice hung up so I was alone with Angela. She was right, and she was dying to hear what Alice said. I should of just turned Alice on speaker for Angela to hear all of it and save my breath.

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds; I didn't know where to start.

"You were right. Alice says he's terrible, but improving. She says he gets better by the week, and he is finally planning for his trip." Angela's face turned down into a pitiful frown, of all my friends outside Edward's family she was the closest to the two of us. So I could see how she was sad for his hurt. "She says she doesn't think that I should contact him in any way what so ever, she thinks that will be bad. So I guess I'm no longer able to talk to him at all. Maybe it's what I deserve, who knows." I picked at the ragged edges on my pajama pants, unable to meet Angela's eyes with the fresh tears pooling up in mine. "I'm beat, you ready to head to bed?"

I know that she knows I'm using bed as an excuse to keep from talking anymore, but I was hopeful that she is tired enough from the drive and she'll give in for now.

"Yeah, let me get my things and we can turn the lights out." She moved around the room and gathered her stuff to take to the bathroom with her so that she could get ready for bed.

When she reemerged she climbed into bed as she reached for the light she said, "By the way, Bella, thanks for rooming with me. I love it already; I really think you and I would've been better friends without Jessica and Lauren getting in our way. I'm glad we get the chance now." Her smile was so genuine that I couldn't help but feel the same happiness as she did, because I truly felt the same about Jessica and Lauren. It was like they always tried to ruin everything that you had, they weren't happy until you were unhappy about something. I think they'll be ecstatic now, knowing Edward and I aren't together. I wonder how long it took them to find out that little bit of info, and how long it took them to contact him? I didn't want to bet any money on it, because I knew it wasn't long at all. He's all they both have ever wanted. At least I know that he despises both of them and would never ever go out with either of them. At least I can rest with that fact.

It wasn't long after the lights were out that I felt my 'Edward feelings' coming to the surface, that empty feeling in my chest that made it hard to breathe felt like it was ready to consume me. I laid there for a couple of minutes and listened to Angela's breathing to see if she was asleep. When it sounded like she was out, I allowed the memories to come. I tried to remember everything he said to me when he told me he loved me for the first time, how his eyes lit up when he was able to beat Emmett at anything, and how his face changed when he and Jasper were in an in-depth conversation. There were a million things I could think about, each of them painful.

The pain is still there but at least the crying is at a minimum now.

I was proud of myself. I drifted off to sleep sometime after two.

The next morning seemed too bright, when I was able to focus. It also seemed like the room was spinning, but I didn't understand why it was. I didn't drink last night, so why did I feel like I had a hangover? I sat up to get a sip of water, and that was a mistake. I ran for the trash can and emptied my stomach right then. I took the trashcan into the bathroom with me so I could grab a washcloth, I ran it under the cold water, and laid it across the back of my neck. I was so paying for going to school half way across the country, I was not used to the water, the food or something. I was so sick of feeling sick. Perhaps it was time for a visit to the clinic. Maybe they can tell me what to do to get over whatever this is.

"Bella, you okay?" Angela sounded half asleep.

"Yeah, I'm fine now. I don't think the water agrees with me here. I've been sick off and on for about a month. Nothing constant, so I don't know what it is that's bothering me." Angela sat up and rubbed at her eyes. I slowly made my way back to my bed. "I think later I'll stop by the clinic and see if they can tell me anything. I'm going to lie back down for now. What're your plans for today?"

"I'm going to go see Ben. He is way across campus, but at least he is here in the same city, so I won't complain at all." Unintentional pain shot through my heart. I knew that Angela never meant to remind me that she was close to Ben while I had left Edward back in Forks, but let's face it she did remind me. It made the spinning worse, so I laid down and shut my eyes. I focused on what she was saying to tried to keep what was left in my stomach there in my stomach. "He has two roommates. Can you imagine three boys living in the same room? That is going to be one gross room in about a month." She yawned and rubbed her eyes some more. "I'm with you for a little more sleep for now, wake me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay." I yawned back to her.

After I was finished with my class, I walked over to the clinic. I knew it would not be busy, because there were still not a lot of students on campus and it was lunch time so everyone that was here would probably be headed to the cafeteria to eat. I hoped that I'd be able to get out quickly and get to work on time.

I went in and talked to the nurse, told her what I had going on. She took me into a room, had me pee in a cup, and then fill out some forms.

I swear they have you pee in that cup for every single symptom that you have. Doesn't matter if you simply have a runny nose, you pee in a cup. I guess it's another way to make some money.

Soon enough she was back in my exam room. She came in and sat down. Her face looked calm so I hoped that was a good thing.

"Bella, when was your last period?"

So not the question I expected.

"Well it's usually at the first of the month, but it has been all over the map for the last few months. Some months it is at the first and real heavy, then the next month it is in the middle and real light. It's mostly real light, like only a few spots of blood and only for about two days. So it's hard to tell for sure." I knew I was rambling but I was so damn confused as to why she was asking me about this issue when this was not what I was here for. Perhaps she had a list of specific questions that she had to ask, you know then she can give me a good STD and birth control talk. I didn't want to upset her agenda so I finished my rambling for her. "I had one last month, lasted about two days, real light, none yet for this month. My Mom had some female problems when she was younger, and had to have some surgery. I'm not sure exactly what or why, I was young. Maybe I have the same sort of problems. Do you think that's causing the issues I'm having?" I started chewing on a hangnail on my thumb that I had picked while my verbal vomiting took place.

"Well, Bella, I don't think so. I think you'll probably not have your period for a few months and then things will go back to normal for you." She patted my leg and I got the feeling she was telling me something that I should have figured out by now but for the life of me I had no idea where she was going with this. "As part of our routine tests we do here is a urine pregnancy test, and yours came back positive. It's hard to tell exactly how far along you are if you're not sure of your last normal period, so I would suggest you go to see an OB/GYN as soon as possible." She began to scribble something down on my chart. I could hear the pen scratching along as she wrote. I know that I should be focusing on something a bit closer to reality but damn if I couldn't concentrate on anything but that slight scratch of the pen the whole entire time she wrote. When she stopped I lifted my head up and met her eyes. They were soft and sympathetic; she obviously could tell that this was the last thing I expected when I walked into this clinic today. "I can give you some prenatal vitamins and it would be best to try to eat some crackers in the morning before you sit up. That'll help with the sickness. I can tell by your face that you didn't plan this." I shook my head furiously at her. This scenario was the furthest from where I thought my life was going. She laid her pen down and slid her stool closer to me. "Is there anything I can help with or any questions you have?"

"No, I went through health in high school, so I have a basic knowledge of what is going on." That was possibly the stupidest statement I could have come up with but my brain had not caught up with reality yet. "Are you sure? Is there any chance that thing is wrong? Can we do another test, another kind of test?" Again I chewed on the hangnail on my already sore thumb.

She laid her hand on my leg and slid her stool even closer to me, she smiled like my Mom did when she was going to give me news that she knew I wouldn't like.

"Bella we can do several more, but the real test should be done by an OB/GYN. They have more sophisticated equipment and blood tests that can tell you with more certainty if you are in fact pregnant, they can also tell the doctor things like hormone levels which can help determine how far along you are. They will also do an examination on you that will make sure that everything is ok. So, again, I encourage you to make an appointment with them. I have written down their number for you." She held out a card for me, I noticed that my hand shook slightly when I reached to take it from her. "They are in town, so I'm sure they have seen many girls like you who are away from home and need some advice." I could only nod at her. Was I one of those girls? The kind of girl that gets away from home and needs help from strangers? I guess I was. "They have a group that meets to offer encouragement, which may help as well. I think you'll like the Doctors in the group." She stood up with her chart and her scratchy pen and walked towards the door. I remained in place. "You're finished here, so here are your vitamins. Good luck Bella." I stood and took the bottle out of her hand and left the room.

She patted me on the back and let me back out into the waiting room. How was I supposed to handle the bomb she had just dropped in my lap all by myself? She acted like she thought that I knew what I was doing, but she was wrong, I didn't know shit.

I called work and told them I was sick and had been to the clinic. They said it was okay to stay out today, they weren't busy.

Since I now had a free afternoon, I headed across campus to eat. I figured I should do that for a healthy pregnancy. It's so funny how quickly I started thinking and doing what I should. It then struck me that I was always taking care of someone, so this would be no different. I was used to this life, I could handle this.

I tried to make the words sound right but I wasn't fooling myself for one second, I was in shock. I didn't know the first thing about being pregnant. I am only child and never knew anyone who was pregnant.

The first person I thought of was Rose, because she always talked about how many kids she wanted to have with Emmett. I figured that she would know at least a few things about being pregnant, and she could ask Carlisle all the other stuff. But that meant that Edward would find out, and really I have hurt him far more than he ever deserved anyway, how could I tell him this. I knew what he would want to do, he would want to do the responsible thing and get married and I know that he wouldn't stand for me being here and knowing that I was pregnant with his child. He'd want me close to him or close to Forks one way or the other, bottom line was that if Edward found out I would be everything that Esme said I was. I wanted to cry, how could this have happened, we were always safe and responsible, all of my dreams, I knew for sure I was not going to be able to stay here at Dartmouth and go to college how could I take care of a baby and be in school.

Holy crap, I am pregnant, I can't believe I am pregnant, I can't believe that I'm PREGNANT, WITH HIS CHILD!

I needed to sit and think about this. I need to eat, sit and think. Yeah, that is what I need to do.

I made my way to the cafeteria, and I grabbed a salad, fruit cup and a juice to drink. I couldn't remember anything about nutrition that health class offered. I really should have paid more attention to high school.

All I could think about was what was I going to do now…Now that I had this tiny piece of Edward with me.