Thursday, September 15, 2011

Choices

As most of you know that theonlykyla and I are friends, good friends. We read over and correct each other's work all the time. She sent me this and said, 'This is in my head and I need to get it out. It's partly personal and so it means a lot to me.' I read it over, all in one sitting and couldn't believe my eyes, I cried most of the way through it. However, when I got to her Chapter 20, it felt wrong. I love Edward and Bella together, but if something happened to either of them, I think that they loved each other enough to want the other to go on and live a happy life, to love again...and then a conversation my husband and I had a little while back came to me, in which we both echoed the same thoughts. So, even though his happily ever after won't be with Bella, he will have it. And Bella will help to get it for him!

I sat down and within 20 minutes I had all three chapters done. I emailed them to her and said,'Please don't be mad but here is how I see the story ending.' She loved it and went with it. I feel like an ass for taking over her story but I love it so much that I will push that feeling aside and be happy that both of us like the ending now.

This first chapter you get is all Kyla's words, she wrote all of it and this is the original story that she sent to me. I asked her permission to post it here just like she asked my permission to post my final three chapters on her profile. We are okay with this, lol. Please no one pm me or her and say, 'Do you know someone stole your work?' We know! I think we would even call it a collaboration, even tho my part was so much smaller than hers.

Each chapter is separated and titled so it makes it easier to read. Enjoy!


Chapter 1~Heartbeat

I sense you everywhere. Is it because part of your heartbeat lies within hers? She smells like you.

My tears flow freely.

I see you when I'm standing beside her incubator. While I softly caress her hand.

Your beauty astounds me. I clutch my hand to my heart. This is everything we'd ever wanted. A family. A combination of where our souls collided into a being of our making.

I look away. I feel you staring at me. But I can't look back to you. It hurts to think of your eyes on me. I want to sweep you both into my arms.

I walk to the closest chair and sit down. I close my eyes. I have flashbacks. Loud voices. A lot of chaos. Alarms beeping.

I open my eyes to see you float through a doorway at the end of the hall. You just walked right past me.

Who do I go to?

You or her?


Chapter 2~Scared

Someone shakes me awake. I see you peek behind a door. Your smile is radiating sunlight.

I'm told they need me in the nursery. I sprint down the hall. She's crying. She's alone. I'm told to put a gown on. I'm told to wash my hands.

I see you giggling from behind a curtain, your eyes lit up and joyous.

I'm told to sit in a chair. I question what the emergency is. Why there isn't a doctor around? She needs to be held.

Why aren't you doing this? She needs you. She needs the nourishment your body can give her.

They place her in my arms. She stops crying. She's the perfect combination of the two of us.

My tears fall again.

I see you pass by the window, your hand trails along the glass.

I don't know what I'm doing. I close my eyes. I cradle her close. We sleep. We feel your arms around us.

We smile.


Chapter 3~ Release

They release you today. I couldn't be with you. I had to be with her. Once again, you made me choose her.

They force me to be with her all day long. I saw you watch me change her dressing for her cord. I saw you giggle when I change that filthy diaper.

I stare at her and feel your eyes on me. Please let her eyes stay green. They are soulful eyes already. I don't know if I could handle them being brown, like yours.

They tell me she will be released in two days.


Chapter 4~Quiet

Noise. Noise. Noise. People talking. Phones ringing. Doors opening and closing.

Yet, in a moment of solitary silence, I see you. Brown flowing...red streaks shining.

Your face is always turning away from me. You won't look at me.

Later, in the dark. Crying. Incessant crying.

My arms won't move. They can't reach you, if I choose her. My feet won't budge. They can't go to you, if I choose her.

Standing in the dark. Her new bed holds her crying body.

I see you standing there, staring out the window. Moonlight shines on your profile. You move and her crying stops.

She sees you, too. I pick her up. I'm cradling her tight to my chest.

You float through the door in the dark of night.

Sunlight again. Birds chirping. Dogs barking. Voices calling. Boxes opening. Doorbells ringing.


Chapter 5~Goodbye

I chose you today.

They made me leave her. Please, don't be mad. I know I promised to never leave either of you.

She was crying. She knew I chose you.

My mother was holding my hand. My sister had a strong grasp on my arm.

You were peeking through the trees in the yard. I could see you.

I heard your dad growling at me, then he collapsed against me.

I was thinking of her. I was missing her already.

They were talking about you. I closed my eyes.

I could feel you gripping my hand so hard I thought you would surely break it. The monitors were blinking and buzzing. I was screaming at them to leave you alone.

I could hear her cry.

It was the last time you looked at me. Why won't you look at me?

I see you when I open my eyes. The sun is shining. You are dancing in the leaves. Your head is thrown back.


Chapter 6~ Alone

People are everywhere. Food smells fill the air. Voices speaking softly in my ear.

I hear her cry. I go to her. She keeps crying. I shut the door.

You stand in the ray of light from the window. You run your finger along her face. She quiets.

I stand there begging for you to see me. Notice me.

"LOOK AT ME!" I scream.

People scramble. She cries. They run in. You disappear. I fight. They push me down. She cries louder.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I scream.

They let go. I scramble to my feet. I see their tears. I see their pity.

Why won't you let me see your face?

She cries. I pick her up. She stops. They leave us alone. I sit and rock her. We look out the window.

You are dancing in the sun.

Alone.


Chapter 7 ~ Reality

My mom refuses to leave the house. Your mom won't come to the house. Your dad sits on the porch. My dad hands me pills, which I refuse to take.

I haven't seen you today. Where are you? She needs you. I need you.

I move a bed into her room. They insist I sleep. I close my eyes.

You scream. I panic.

You cry. I scream.

You plead. I yell demands.

Beep, Beep, Beep...naaaaaaaaa

You look at me. Your eyes to your soul shine and flicker.

Beep, Beep, Beep.

Your hand clutches mine. I scream again. I cry and scream. I hold you and scream.

I open my eyes to find my dad holding me, "She's gone, son. You have to face reality."

She cries. She knows I scream and cry for you.

You made me choose her. That's reality.


Chapter 8 ~ Routine

Harper.

That's what you told me. I didn't like it. You made me choose it.

Her name is Harper Marie Cullen. I chose Marie. Please don't be mad.

Show me your face. Please.

I see you standing in the kitchen. I see you hover over my shoulder. I want my arms around you while you wash the bottles.

I see you sway with us, when I hum her to sleep, like I did before you left me with her.

Why did you make me choose her?

I see you touch her cheek when she sleeps. I feel your faint lips on my forehead when I cry at night.

I see your profile in the moonlit room across the hall. You beckon me. I sleep here, with Harper. You made me choose her. This is where I sleep now.

She cries. I get a bottle. You stay with her.

It's our routine.


Chapter 9 ~ Recall

"You have to promise if anything happens to me, you'll take care of her."

You say this jokingly. It wasn't funny to me. "Bella, don't joke about such things. Please."

"Lighten up. We're only having a baby. Nothing is gonna happen to me." Your eyes danced with laughter.

You love doing this to me. Getting me all worked up.

"And don't forget to name her Harper, when I'm gone." You punched my shoulder and stole a piece of chicken off my plate. "Hey, stop taking my food. And no, I will NOT name her Harper...that's an awful name." I was half-joking, half-serious.

"I'm hungry because your sperm impregnated my egg, so I can take all the damn food I want." You said as you snatched another piece and popped it into your mouth.

"And you WILL name her Harper because I love it and you love me." You leaned over and kissed my nose.

I pulled you back to me and kissed your mouth, which made you horny again.

The food was spilled all over the floor as I fucked you against the side of the couch from behind and again on the sofa table.

"See, you will name her Harper." You joked as we lay on the living room floor amongst cold Chinese food and smelling of sex. "You know I would." I said as I kissed you softly.

I awake with a start. There you are, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding her. Humming to her.

"You knew I would," I spoke softly. You are nodding your head. I could tell you were smiling.

"Let me go, Edward. She needs you more than I do." I hear your voice in my ear.


Chapter 10~ Sunshine

My mother is insisting we take Harper outside today. I only went because I could see you dancing amongst the trees yesterday.

You aren't coming to see Harper at night anymore. I hardly see you in the window anymore, either.

Is it because I chose her? Is it because she chose me?

We sat on the bench in our backyard. The sun is streaming through the tree tops.

I remember wanting to cut those pesky trees down when we moved in.

You insist we need them for cover from the sun. I remind you that we live in Seattle. We only see the sun five days a year.

You laugh. You like to dance naked in the sun, I soon found out.

You run through the trees. I know Harper sees you, she turns that direction.

I see you dance behind each tree around the perimeter.

I stand up and take Harper to the middle of the yard. We dance, in the sunshine, she and I.


Chapter 11 ~Growth

Harper has brown eyes. She's starting to hold her head up on her own.

I saw you today. You were standing behind a tree, as I sat in the sun. In that place where they tell me you are.

There's grass over the dirt. I left you Peonies. They are your favorites.

I know you aren't there. But you are coming around less and less.

She smiles at me and it was your smile. She's a night owl, just like you.

Three months have passed since you last looked at me.

I still have the dreams of the buzzing and beeping. I still wake up screaming.

Your smell is no longer lingering in the air at home.

I'm moving back into our room. It's the only place that I can still feel you in the air. My heart still beats in time with yours, I hope.

When I hold her, I can feel you, what's left of you inside her.

I still cry myself to sleep.

Every day she grows. Every day you grow further away.


Chapter 12~ Flashback

"Okay Bella, it's time to push hard." Dr. Seth tells her as she shoots him a dirty look. "As opposed to the soft pushes I've been doing for the past four hours?" You said through gritted teeth.

"Grab my hands, love, let me help you," I said as I worked to capture your eyes with mine.

"It hurts Edward." You whined and a grimace crossed your face.

"I know, baby," I said in a calm and soothing voice. "It shouldn't be too much longer." I move a strand of damp hair from your forehead.

"Fuck, it hurts," You screamed and crushed my hand.

I looked up to Dr. Seth, my eyes take in his every move, and I listen for every sound or word he makes.

"We have to get this baby out, now!" Dr. Seth yelled to the room.

I scan my eyes back to you in time to see the color drain from your face. "Bella. Bella. Stay with me. Baby, look at me." I panic and hold your chin so that I can keep your eyes on me.

The alarms started to beep, the nurses started to scramble, the doctor started to bark orders to the room.

You loosen your grip on my hand. I scream. You cry.

Someone tries to pull me away. I scream again.

You look at me with blank eyes. "Choose her," slipped from your lips as your hand slipped from my grip.

"NO! NO, BELLA!" I screamed. I panicked. I can't breathe as they started to work on my wife. My life.

I hear a baby wail. I feel you take a deep breath.

I have to choose.


Chapter 13~ Grief

Today the grief is consuming me. Today I can't stop crying. Today I miss you with every ounce of my being.

Today I can't hold her. I had my mom come and take her away for the day.

Today I wrap myself in your favorite blanket. Your scent barely remains.

Today I just want to hold you. Today I just want to see you.

Ten years ago today you became my wife. Ten years ago today you gave me your body for the first time.

Ten years ago today you take my name. Ten years ago today I see forever in our future.

Please, I beg you, please come to me.

My heart beats only because of her. I made a promise to you.

I struggle to breathe through the tears. I am wallowing in my grief, according to my father.

Today, I just want to be where you are.

Today, the grief is consuming me.


Chapter 14~ Time

I've always been impatient.

I caught a glimpse of you today. We were dancing in the sunshine. There you were, hiding behind a tree. I saw the brown flowing...but not the streaks of red because you were hidden in the shadows.

Harper giggled and turned her head in your direction.

She's grown so much. I can't slow the time down to keep her small. Did you see her?

I wish for your profile in the moonlight of her room as I rock her at night.

Time.

I wish for more time with you. I wish for time to slow for her.

How much longer will I be able to spot you?

How much longer will you linger in the darkness?

How much time do I have left before you disappear from my sight?


Chapter 15~ Awake

I lie in bed and remember our mornings together.

I remember the feel of your body, crushed up under mine. The feel of my arms around your body. The sensation of your breath against my chest.

I close my eyes and see you everywhere.

Laughing. Living. Loving.

I hate to be awake most days. I hate to have my dreams end. The goods ones, that is.

The nightmares keep me awake.

Harper doesn't like to sleep. She prefers to be awake until the last second, when sleep finally pulls her in.

I wish you would wake up.

I wish I could awaken from this heaven like hell that I reside in.

I saw you in the park today. The brown flowing as you ran from tree to tree. The tinkle of your laughter as it floated on a breeze.

It's kept me awake tonight. As I close my eyes, my one wish is that you would be there, waiting for me.

Don't make me stay awake.


Chapter 16~ Movement

Harper crawled today.

I saw you peek around the corner. I couldn't catch your eyes, but I knew you were smiling.

I cried, unending tears.

She laughed.

I saw a counselor today. I laughed at memories. I cried, unending tears.

I felt you touch my shoulder when I broke down in the parking lot.

I moved to the small patch of trees, hoping I'd catch a glimpse of you there. I walked around the whole park, my eyes strained to ever flash of brown I saw.

I felt your hand brush mine. I couldn't follow your essence. I couldn't reach you. I had to stop.

She was crying. She needed me.

I turned and walked away from your path. I had to move towards her. I had to make a choice. You made me choose her.

I moved, split in two directions. My heart twisted in pain.

I moved. I chose…again.


Chapter 17~ JOY

I came home from work to find you giggling in the doorway. You were dressed in a pale pink negligee, at four in the afternoon. It was a Friday afternoon.

You were bouncing on your toes. Smiling at me like the Cheshire cat.

We'd only just started trying two months before.

You had your hands behind your back. "What is going on, love?" I asked with a hint of humor in my voice.

You slowly brought your hands out in front of you. A small white stick. Two pink lines.

"Is that?" I was completely thrilled with what my mind was computing. "You are?" I asked as my eyes took in the joy on your face.

"I love you," I picked up in my arms and spun you around a few times as we laughed.

We cried tears of utter joy. We laughed at our happiness.

We made love through the night. We whispered our dreams. We admitted our fears.

My hand never left your stomach.

Our baby. Our love. Our forever.

I awake with a start. I see your profile in the window. I call to you. I beg you to turn and look at me. You shake your head.

You whisper in my mind. "You have to let me go, Harper needs you more."

I vigorously shake my head, my mind screams, 'NO, NO, NO'...

"Remember the joy, my sweet love..."

I blink...you are gone.


Chapter 18~ Missing

Today Harper stood up. Today, you missed it. You weren't there.

I searched and searched. You forced another choice on me. I'm angry.

She needs you. I need you. My heart misses you.

The beats have slowed again. Hers beats, only stronger.

Why are you missing this? Why did you go away? Come back to me.

We promised forever. I did. Didn't you? A promise not fulfilled.

The life you are missing. The life I'm barely living.

She smiles and slobbers on your picture. She misses you.

Are you missing us, too?


Chapter 19~ Touch

My fingers search the bed for you, still. They long to feel your skin. They long to touch your face.

Harper loves to touch. Everything.

Her favorite place is snuggled against my chest. She buries her head in my neck, the same as you did.

Her touch brings me relief, when the longing for your touch gets to be too much.

Her tiny hands feel my face. Her tiny mouth with slobbered kisses warm the tattered shreds of my heart. Her touch brings a piece of you to me.

My eyes long to feel the comfort of your brown flowing hair, peeking around a corner.

I touch her soft cheek as she sleeps, hoping you at least visit her dreams.

Your touch escapes mine.


Chapter 20~ Choices

Five years ago today I made the hardest choice of my life. I had to choose between saving my wife or my daughter. You made the choice for me, in so many ways.

I stand at the foot of your grave, my daughter's hand tucked into mine.

"Am I as bootifull as Momma was, Daddy?" She asks in her soft little voice. "Every bit, precious." I gently confirm.

"I wish I coulda hugged her neck." Harper says with a hint of sadness. "She's your personal Angel, precious, she hugs you every night when you fall asleep."

She fidgets for a minute, then looks up at me.

"Would you like to put Momma's flowers in the vase?" I ask her as I brought my hand around, a large bundle of peonies wrapped with purple ribbon. She nods her head, so I hand them to her.

She walked forward and gently put them in the vase. She turned and looked at me.

"Is that good Daddy?" She smiled at me. "It's perfect, Harper." I smiled back at her.

"Can I go back to May-May now?" She toes the ground with her pink, sparkling shoes. "Of course, baby," I said as I knelt down to her level.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, kissed my check. "I love you, Daddy." She whispered in my ear. "I love you, too, precious." I said as I released my hold on her. She skipped off to the car, as I stood and watched from the foot of your grave.

Once Harper was in the car, my mom waved bye to me and I watched them drive away. Harper's big party was about to begin.

I turned back to face you, my Bella.

"God, I miss you." I whispered to the air. "There still isn't a day that you don't fill my mind." I admitted to the wind.

"But, I remembered all we talked about. I've tried to live my life. If it weren't for Harper, I'd be in the ground beside you." I wiped away the tear that snuck down my cheek.

"Thank you, Bella, for making me choose." I knelt down and ran my fingers through the grass that covered this sacred ground.

"If I can't have you, at least I have her." My heart picked up a beat, I felt the sweet scent in the air.

I raised my head and there, through the trees, I saw it. Brown flowing...red shining in the sun...and there you stood, waving at me, a smile brilliantly shined across your face. Your eyes met mine.

"Thank you for letting me go." Your voice echoed through my head.

"You never gave me a choice." I smiled back and waved.

I blinked for half a second, and you were gone.


Chapter 21~Discovery

As I turn from your grave I see her. She's crying, she's stumbling and she's falling.

My grief is forgotten as I rush to help her. I grab her arm and help her stand again.

She looks up at me, but her eyes aren't yours. They mimic my pain. I hand her the tissue that my Mom handed me as she left with Harper.

We sit in the diner and she tells me how she lost Ben.

He was a runner. One morning he didn't come back from that run.

She had only been married for two years, she didn't even have the time that we had together.

We had almost fourteen years if you count the years in high school.

She had two years. No kids, nothing to show for their time.

I'm more thankful for Harper now after hearing her story.

I realize I'm almost late for Harper's party at my mom and dad's house. I don't want to leave her alone, she's still so sad. This is her first anniversary to get through. I remember my first one, it was not good.

I invite her to come with me. She accepts. I introduce her to my mom and dad, my sister and her husband.

Harper comes over and I don't know what to do. Should I, or shouldn't I?

Harper handles it for me. She introduces herself, and say's she is the birthday princess, Angela laughs and tells her that she most certainly is.

A small fear begins when I see them together. I want to run, to scream, to cry.

That night I see you. You run through the trees at our back yard. The same ones I wanted to cut down.

As I drift off to sleep you tell me to live, to enjoy, to choose again.

I wake up crying. I don't know if I can choose again.

I don't know if Angela wants to choose again.

You tell me to stop over thinking and just live.

So I do.


Chapter 22~ Amazing

Our house is one fucked up place.

We have pictures of you, me, Harper, Angela, Ben, of all of us. Of her family, my family, and of your family. We keep all of these around because neither Angela, nor I want to forget what we had.

We had a life before each other. We loved those lives.

But now our life is different. We love our life now as well. Not more, not less, just differently.

Harper is different. She never knew you personally, so she blooms when she is with Angela.

I worried about replacing you, about her losing you because Angela is here.

You in all your wisdom changed that thinking for me. You told me that you expected this, you wanted this and you knew that Harper needed this.

I still hear your whispers on the wind. They reassure me that I'm doing the right thing. That Angela is the right thing.

I only see you once in a while now. On special occasions, or when I'm really worried about things.

I sit in our backyard with all the lights out and wait for you to come to me, so that you can reassure me that I'm doing okay.

I sat like that the night I realized I was falling in love with Angela.

I sat like that the night I wanted to ask her to marry me.

I sat like that the night before I married her.

Once again you took care of me. You told me all the things you wanted me to know.

You told me it was no accident that Angela and I met that day. You knew she was coming, and planned our visit for just the right time.

Harper lost her other shoe that day on purpose you told me. It made us twenty minutes late for a reason.

Ben knew as well. You two conspired against us.

Harper was thrilled that Angela would get to officially be her mommy. She even helped plan the wedding. We got married in the backyard.

I felt you there. I never saw you, but I felt you.

Your mom cried and told me that I was doing the right thing. Your dad couldn't speak but he shook my hand.

I told him that Harper would never forget who gave her life and he just nodded his head. They left soon after that. I couldn't blame them.

Who could watch their daughter's life carry on without her?

Angela never questions me and I return the favor to her. We both know. It's part of what makes us work. I never doubt that the love is real though.

But it doesn't take away from what we had and she knows that. I love her more for that.

I sit here tonight, praying that you will come. It's been almost twenty two years. I haven't seen you in fifteen years. Not your face anyway.

I see your hair blowing in the wind at all of the major events in Harper's life. You are there. She knows you are there. She tells me when I say goodnight.

It makes my heart smile when I hear her tell Angela, too.

I guess you were right after all. The choice was a good one. Thank you for that. Thank Ben for me, too.


Chapter 23~ Complete

I ramble on and on about Harper's life. While I talk, I clear away the weeds from the edges of your headstone. I can look across the cemetery and see Angela talking to Ben as well.

I've been by to talk to him several times myself. Angela thinks that I don't know she comes here to see you as well, but I do. Harper spilled that secret a long time ago. I don't mind. I like that my girls all talk.

I whisper to the air, "Bella, I wish you could have met Ethan. He is perfect for Harper. When she is calm he riles her up and when she is riled up, he calms her down. They are a great pair."

I run my hand through my hair but the tears leak out anyway. Usually the hair trick works to slow the emotions, it diverts my attention. But not today.

In four hours I will walk my little girl down the aisle and this is just one of those hard days. The days when you slip back into my life and I ache for you. I ache to see you, talk to you, share things with you, hold you.

I told Angela all of this last night in bed. She understands.

She shared that the night before our twins were born. She sat up and cried because she didn't have that with Ben. I understood too.

Again, our relationship fulfills us, it makes us stronger but certain days we are the two weaklings that fell together in the cemetery.

After I catch you up on Harper and tell you everything I could possibly remember since our last visit here, I whisper that I still love you. I still miss you and I won't let you down.

Just as the words leave my mouth I see you duck behind a tree again. I can leave knowing that you heard me.

I knock on the door, and Harper stands wearing your wedding dress. I cry because she is so beautiful and she looks so much like you.

Your mom, my mom and Angela are all here. It's amazing how the years have blended our family and Harper has four grandmothers now.

Even Ben's family has become attached to ours. It's strange but we all make it work.

I smile as I see Gavin, mine and Angela's son, walk his grandmothers down the aisle and help them get settled in their seats.

When the music starts, his twin, Grace makes her way down the aisle first, followed by several of Harper's friends.

Then it is our turn. I walk with her slowly. I can't let her go just yet. I love Ethan but he doesn't realize that for so long she was all I had.

I feel the wind pick up about halfway down the aisle and we both look at each other. A smile crosses both of our faces at the exact same time. We know it's you.

I walk her to the end. I kiss her beautiful face and hand her hand over to Ethan.

I sit down beside Angela and she asks, "You feel her?" I only nod because words won't come to me at this point. "Me too. She is so proud of you. She told me so last night."

I turn to look at her. "What? You think you are the only one that goes out there and talks to her in the backyard. I got news for you, buddy. I'm surprised that the three of us haven't tripped over each other getting out there at certain points in our lives. She matters to you and Harper and she matters to me. I thank her every day for giving me what she did." I kiss Angela on the cheek and pat her hand.

Bella certainly couldn't have found a better woman for me if she had traveled the whole globe in search of one.

I turn back to hear the minister pronounce them husband and wife. I stand to clap with the rest of the crowd. She runs by and whispers, "I love you." I don't have time to return it but she knows.

The next morning I get a call from Harper. I worried about her all night.

I think back to the two honeymoons I had and what I did on each one. Well, it's safe to say that no father wants to think of his daughter that way. But her words surprise me.

"Daddy?" She hasn't called me that in years, "She told me last night in my dream. She said how proud she was of both of us and that our choice were spot on every time. She said that she wouldn't be back anymore that we didn't need her. She said to tell you that she loves you. To thank Mom for her and that she wanted us to be able to move on now."

Harper was in tears and so was I. But I understood.

Bella had done her job. She took care of us long after she was gone and when she couldn't anymore she sent someone else to do that.

At the time I would trade my life for the choice I had to make, I would gladly give it all up then. But now…well I guess I live by the words that each choice brings you a certain amount of pain and a certain amount of happiness.

"I know, baby, I know. She was happy yesterday, I'm sure of it. We all were. Now, get off the phone and go do something with your husband!"

"Gross dad. Seriously, did you just say that?"

"Harper, I meant sightseeing or something. You know what, I'm hanging up now. Bye, I love you, and have fun."

"I love you too, daddy."

The End