Chapter 13- Trip to the ER

Chapter 13-Trip to the ER

Bella

Sometime later I woke up in my bed; a sandwich was placed on the nightstand along with a bottle of water. I sat up and opened it. The bottle of water was easy to drink but I had to force myself to eat the sandwich. I knew I needed it as much as the baby. I reached into the nightstand drawer and took a pill; I figured that as long as I take them as directed and only as I need them, I would be okay. I lay back down and waited for sleep to come back to me. Hopefully, when I woke up Edward would be here for me. I drifted off waiting for him. I just needed to hold it together until I could see Edward.

I woke up somewhere around three in the morning. The house was silent and I couldn’t stand it. The silence seemed to echo the finality of my loss, it left too much room in my head for my thoughts, and the last thing I wanted right now was my thoughts. The emotions were creeping up in my mind and trying to take hold there. I left my room and went down into the kitchen, needing a distraction from my own thoughts. I made myself another sandwich, ate it in about four bites, and washed it down with another bottle of water.

I wondered where Edward was, and if he had arrived in Forks yet. I slept all day so I didn’t know when he left or if he was even able to leave yet. I paced back and forth for a few minutes. I ran back up to my room and grabbed my phone. I heard Charlie snoring as I came back down the stairs, he was probably exhausted.

I decided on a text in case he was trying to sleep.

E

I slept all day, sorry, I don’t know where u r! When will u be in Forks?

B

I waited but no text or call came back. I was still left wondering. I couldn’t just stand, sit or lay in this house any longer. I needed some air, and to stretch my legs.

I saw Charlie’s keys for his little blue pickup truck. I decided to take a drive. I would drive out to the Cullen’s house see if Edward was home yet and then drive back, that was a forty minute round trip. That would be enough time to calm my nerves. I grabbed the keys and left Charlie a note so if he woke up he wouldn’t worry.

The night air felt good on my skin. I rolled the window down and then opened my hoodie. Letting the air wash over as much of my body as it could. My heart’s steady rhythm slowly picked up the closer I got to the turn off to go to the Cullen’s house. One more mile and I would be there.

Maybe Edward had got in on the red eye and went home to sleep first. Maybe he would be there, and I could see him in a few minutes.

My heart began racing.

I could see the other car’s headlight, but they were on their side of the road, so I didn’t pay them any attention. That is until they swerved into my lane. I tried to swerve to get out of their way, but I didn’t have enough time. Our cars collided; theirs hit my driver’s side right at the back wheel. I knew I was fine, but I did feel a slight pain in my neck, shoulders and back of my head.

Charlie was going to be so mad at me.

I heard someone approach the open driver’s window and ask a few questions. I had to close my eyes just to focus on them enough to hear what they asked.

“Yeah, I uh… I think I’m okay. Are you?” I responded with a shaky voice that belied my answer.

“I’m going to call 911 for you, your head is bleeding. Just sit still, don’t move okay?”

“Okay.” That was all I could get out, before the room started to spin. I wasn’t sure if it was the mention of blood or some other problem. I have been known to swoon at the mention of blood, but the headache caused me to lean towards some other problem this time. I laid my head back on the headrest. I closed my eyes and thought about Edward again.

I felt someone press something against my left temple. I guess that’s where the blood originated; I sat quietly and waited to hear the sirens.

My eyes remained closed until I heard the paramedics arrive. They quickly put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. I managed to call for them to get my purse, and cell phone. I needed the cell phone in case Edward called, or Charlie.

I heard one of the EMT’s shout out something about Charlie’s truck. He turned to me and stated talking.

“Can you repeat that slowly, I’m having a hard time concentrating?” I asked and my voice sounded strange.

He asked one more time slowly, “Are you Chief Swan’s daughter?”

“Yes.” I punctuated this answer with a quick head nod that caused my headache to begin pounding again.

“Okay, hold on and we’ll have you in the ER in no time. Do we need to call the Chief for you?”

“Yes, call him at home please, he was sleeping when I left, he doesn’t know I’m gone.” The simple task of answering the questions was zapping my strength right out of me.

“Are you in any pain?”

“Slightly, only in the back of my head, down my neck and left shoulder. What about the other driver, are they okay?”

“They’re fine, they had side air bags. We’re almost there.”

I heard one of the EMT’s call out ‘we’re here’, and they slide me out of the ambulance. I looked up and saw Carlisle’s face.

“Why did you drive me to the Cullen’s house?” I asked very confused.

Carlisle snickered, “Bella, you’re at the ER, I’m on duty here. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I was driving to your house, and I saw a car it was fine until the last minute. Then they swerved and hit Charlie’s truck on the driver’s side. I think I blacked out, the next thing I knew they were at the window asking if I was okay. I don’t know how long I was out.” I shook my head, I was feeling dazed and afraid of what the accident could expose.

“Okay, they said you were in some pain, can you tell me where you’re having the pain.” Carlisle’s soothing voice taking over and calming my nerves.

“Yeah, my head hurts, my neck and left shoulder hurts also. Do my words sound slurred to you?” I blinked several times to try to bring Carlisle’s face back into focus.

“Yes they do, I think you may have a mild concussion. I’ll send you up to x-ray and we’ll see if everything is in place in that head of yours, okay?”

“No, you can’t do that!” Alarm took over my brain. I knew this was the moment where things went to hell in a hand basket.

“Bella, you need an x-ray. I have to make sure you don’t have any serious injuries that will require immediate attention. It’ll be fine, don’t worry, it won’t hurt. You’ve had plenty of x-rays remember?” Carlisle coaxed.

“Yes, I remember, but you can’t x-ray me now, I can’t have it done now, don’t ask me why, I just can’t.” I stammered, hoping he would let it go and not ask why.

“Bella, please calm down. You’re acting a little irrational. Do you understanding what I’m telling you?” He flashed his little pen light across my eyes again and began to feel around on the back of my head. I winced when he rubbed his fingers across a large knot on the back of my head.

“Yes, Carlisle, I understand. Are you my Doctor?” Confusion took over his face when I asked him the last question.

“Yes Bella, I’m your Doctor. Why?” He removed his hands from the back of my head and paused with them resting on my shoulders.

“Well, if you’re my Doctor and you find out something about me, as my Doctor you wouldn’t be able to tell any members of your family would you?”

His back straightened slightly at this unusual question. His face was no longer unreadable, now it was full of questions.

“No Bella, I wouldn’t. Of course, that’s beside the point, I wouldn’t tell them anything that you didn’t want me to anyway, even without the oath. I wouldn’t do that to you.” His hand drifted to rest over mine; trying to offer his support for whatever would cause me to launch this line of questions.

“Carlisle I’m pregnant and I can’t be x-rayed.” I quickly averted my eyes, I was afraid to see the pain or disappointment on his face.

“Bella, how far along are you?” His face revealed his shock, but only for a second before he pulled his usual calm demeanor back in place.

“I’m due on February 18th, I’m about 23 weeks.” I bit down on my bottom lip, afraid that he would be able to do the math and draw the obvious conclusion. “Okay, when was your last OB visit?” Relief flooded through me when he skipped the question that I expected from him.

“I saw the OB a couple of weeks before I got here in Forks; I called them when I found out about Renee and Phil. They gave me the sedative to fly. He gave me 30 of them, to get me through the whole thing. I haven’t taken one since about ten tonight, or I guess last night.” I glanced at the clock over Carlisle’s shoulder realizing that it was now after five in the morning. “I promise, I didn’t do this, they hit me.”

“Bella, I know they said they swerved to miss a deer and hit you. I’m only concerned about any injuries to the baby. Did your OB say everything was okay with the baby on your last visit?”

“Yes, they said the baby was normal weight and height, and I had gained about 8 pounds. They’ve done so many tests that I’ve lost count, and they are all normal, so I guess everything is fine. Can I have something for a headache?” I raised my hands to block the extremely bright fluorescent light from my eyes.

“No, not until we decided what’s causing the headache. I’m sorry. Bella your secret is safe with me, I only have one question. Is it Edward’s baby?”

Fuck there’s the question. The one I’m not prepared to answer.

I bit my lip; I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want Edward back because of sympathy, and I didn’t want to give Esme any more reason to hate me for ruining Edward’s life. Not only by getting back together but now by bringing a baby into the situation. I saw how well lying went over with Charlie, so I decided to tell the truth this time, well my truth as I knew it right now.

“Yes. But please understand that I need more time. I just can’t handle dealing with this right now. There is too much on my plate right now. Seriously it is all I can do to make it through the day in one piece and try my best not to stress too much for fear of what it is doing to the baby. I promise I will tell him. I just can’t yet. Give me time to make all this right in my head and decide what I want to do before I go to Edward. Please.”

My heart ached knowing Carlisle would have to hold in this secret just like I was but it was the only way. I could not deal with one more thing right now and it was unfair to just lay this all in Edward’s lap when I was emotionally unable to talk this out and make a decision with him on what to do. I hope Carlisle understood that deep down inside I wanted to shout to the world that I was pregnant with Edward’s baby. Call him and let him come and take care of us both. That’s what my heart wanted, but it was the one thing my head knew that I couldn’t have. He would come and help me through Renee and Phil’s deaths, and after that we would deal with our issues. I would take whatever anger and hurt that Edward would feel at that time, but not before then. I was just too afraid that I was emotionally not ready yet for the fall out.

“Not from me Bella, like you said I couldn’t tell him, confidentiality reasons. Now, let me get you into a collar and some tests done so we’ll know what’s wrong with you. Has anyone called Charlie yet?” Concern laced Carlisle’s voice as he asked me about my father.

“I don’t know, one of the EMTs recognized his truck and asked me if I was his daughter, but I don’t know if they called.” I was having a hard time making out all of the things that happened, everything seemed to be very hazy after the accident.

“I’ll get you into Radiology and give him a call, okay?” His gentle nature and compassionate care was making it harder and harder to go through with asking him to keep something of this magnitude to himself. So I simply nodded at him.

He quietly left my room. A few minutes later, a fresh faced, too fresh for almost five in the morning, nurse came and told me we were heading up to Radiology.

“You must be important, Dr. Cullen said to get you there fast and make sure you get finished up fast. He usually isn’t demanding like that.” She smiled and nodded at me.

“I’m a friend of the family, I guess that’s why.” I fingered the warm fuzzy blanket in between my fingers as I explained to the nurse. It was a habit that I developed as a small child when I slept with my soft fuzzy blankets each night.

“Well, whatever it is, he’s making sure you get the star treatment.” She patted my shoulder as she kicked the brakes off on the bed and began to roll me down the hall towards Radiology.

“Thanks,” I murmured.

She made sure I got my tests quickly and was back in my room, just as quick. I only felt like lying there on the bed with my eyes closed. I couldn’t sleep because the headache was too much, so I just laid still, that seemed to help. I heard the door open and felt someone come into the room. I didn’t move, I just assumed it was one of the many nurses Carlisle had sent in to check on me. If they needed something from me they would ask, until then I would lie still. I felt someone take my hand. I slowly turned my head towards that side, and winced when the pain stabbed up and down my spine. I opened my eyes and I was looking right into Edward’s beautiful green eyes. He smiled and I tried to return it.

“Bella, did you really need more drama today?” He teased. I felt overwhelmed with him so near. My heart hurt for him. I wanted to take him in my arms and come clean about everything, I wanted him to know about the baby and know that no matter what I wanted him with me. I only let him go so that he could achieve all of his dreams. I did it for him, no matter how much pain it cost me.

I tried for light and funny, I don’t know if I succeeded.

“You know me, it has been what, over 6 months since I was in the ER; they were probably going bankrupt without my support. This time however, I must say it was someone else’s fault.” I tried again to smile at him, it didn’t feel like I was getting it right, so I quit.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead, and sighed.

“Bella, do you know how scared I was for you? I almost killed Esme and Alice getting here. I’m sure I drove about twice the legal speed limit, what were you doing out at this time of night?” His skin was pale and he had large purple bruises under each of his beautiful eyes. He was taking this harder than he let on over the phone.

“I slept most of the day and when I woke up I couldn’t sleep anymore. It was three in the morning, I couldn’t sit in that house at three in the morning with no one to talk to, I would have gone crazy. I tried texting you and you didn’t answer, so I decided to drive out to your house and back. I was almost at your turn when the other car swerved to miss a deer and hit Charlie’s truck. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare anyone; I just wanted something to do.” I rushed through my explanation as the tears were falling from my eyes, running down my face, and dripping onto my hospital gown. The pain in my head mixed with the emotions of the last few days, and they both pushed me past the point of caring if now was the right time to cry. Edward was here now and I knew he would allow me the time to cry this emotion out.

He lowered himself close to me when he saw the tears and murmured to me, “Bella, don’t apologize, I was just worried about you. You scared the hell out of me that is for sure. But I’m glad to be here with you. I couldn’t take being so far away from you. Thank you for asking me to come here for you.” He kissed my temple before he continued his explanation to me, “I didn’t want to come on my own and scare you, but I was so close to getting on a plane all by myself.” He held me close and allowed me to calm down. “How are you, are you feeling okay, about your Mom, I mean?”

“Yeah, I think, it comes and goes, almost like shock. I can forget and push it back for a little while, and then it floods my brain again. I’m sure that will come when this ER “high” wears off.” I sniffed his familiar scent in through my nose and held in inside of me. I felt like I was holding him closer when a small part of him was consuming me in that way.

“Can I do anything for you?” He pulled away and tried to look down at me. I snuggled back into his chest again as I asked for his help.

“Will you just stay with me?” I asked selfishly. I saw his smile out of the corner of my eye as he leaned down again and kissed the top of my head.

“Whatever you want angel.”

After a few minutes of silence, I asked about his flight.

“It was good, Alice is here with me, she couldn’t stand it anymore either, so we flew in together. The hospital would only allow one of us back here at a time. I’m sure she is beside herself; I should go and get her so she can come back and see you. Is that okay?” I nodded at him. “I’ll be back shortly, I promise.” He leaned down and kissed my head, and left the room.

Alice came skipping into the room, and sat on the edge of the bed with me. She kissed my forehead, and began crying. I pulled her down into the bed beside me and we wrapped both of our arms around each other and just cried together. I let the tears pull the anger and hurt out of my body. I allowed them to wash away the sadness, the hopelessness, the fear. I cried for my mom, and Phil. I cried for how things turned out between Edward and myself. I cried at my stupidity and the crazy situation that we were in.

I wanted to be anywhere else but here right now, but I had to deal with the fact that my Mother was dead, she was gone. I would never have her with me, and she will never get to see her first grandchild, or hold it. She will not be able to sit up at night while I feed it and talk with me, no motherly advice. All three of us were robbed and I was angry about it.

Carlisle came back into my room with Esme, Edward and Charlie. He opened my chart, and I became nervous. I know he said he couldn’t say anything legally, but what was to stop him. This did affect his son, so it was easy to see that his family loyalty might win over his oath to his patient?

“Bella how’s your head feeling, any better?” He asked.

“Yes, it’s a little better.” I murmured, afraid of what this visit would mean to me.

I meet Charlie’s eyes and watched as they shifted nervously from Carlisle to Edward and back.

Carlisle oblivious to Charlie’s discomfort began speaking, “Okay, time for an exam, everyone out so I can do my job.” He turned and motioned to all four of them to leave. “We see headaches a lot from accident victims, your brain is traveling along at 55 mph, and then it stops suddenly. That causes the headache, once the brain sort of reboots itself the headache goes away. Glad to hear yours is clearing up.” Carlisle began to write in my chart as he spoke.

Edward squeezed my hand and then turned to leave the room, followed by the rest, as I called Charlie back in.

“You can stay Dad that is if Carlisle isn’t going to do any examining of parts you can’t see.” Charlie turned back to me and walked over to the bed side.

“No, it was just an excuse.” Carlisle smiled sheepishly.

“Bella, your tests are all clear, no signs of any injuries, let’s listen to your stomach to make sure everything is okay there?” Carlisle turned to lay the chart on the bedside table and turned back to me. He pulled a small device out of his coat pocket.

“Carlisle, Dad knows.”

“Oh, okay, well in that case, I would like to listen to the baby’s heartbeat, and do a quick ultrasound, just to be safe. I don’t suspect anything is wrong, but since I have you here, it doesn’t hurt to check. First let’s do the heartbeat, Bella pull your blanket down all the way to your pelvic bone, and then pull the gown up just exposing your stomach. That’s perfect; now let’s see what we can hear.”

He put the little device to my stomach, and then we could hear the woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh of my little angel’s heartbeat. It was one of the most perfect sounds I have ever heard. It killed me to hear this and know Edward was only about twenty feet from this door and not be able to call him in to share this with me.

Carlisle cleared his throat, and then he said “That sounds wonderful, nice and strong, Bella. Do you know what you’re having?”

“No, I’ve decided not to find out, I didn’t care either way, I love it no matter what sex it is.” I smiled a sheepish grin, I realized this sounds like a thing only a new mom would say, but it was true.

“Okay, let’s do an ultrasound. Have you had an ultrasound before?” Carlisle asked as he made some notations in my chart.

“No, I saw the OB a few weeks ago and I was scheduled to have one in a few days but had to cancel so I could come home.”

“Well that’s good, it sounds like you will have yours a couple of days early then. It has been a long time since I have done one of these, so the OB will be in a few minutes to look in on us and double check.” Carlisle turned to Charlie. “Charlie would you stick your head out in the hall and tell the others to wait in my office, so they won’t see Dr. Adams come in, Edward and Alice both have met her. They’ll know something is up if they see her. If you want to stay you can, if not you’re more than welcome to join them in my office, it’s your choice.”

Charlie looked at me, and I shrugged my shoulders.

Charlie asked Carlisle “Are you really just being cautious?”

“Of course, if I suspected anything I would tell you both. I don’t operate that way, I believe in honesty. I would certainly be honest with you and Bella. I promise, just a precaution.” Carlisle turned back towards the ultrasound machine and began to type some info into it, leaving Charlie and I to decide what we wanted to do.

“In that case I’ll go with the others. I don’t want things to look suspicious because in a normal case; I wouldn’t stay with Bella while she is being examined, so to keep up appearances, I’ll go. I have my cell if something is wrong call me, and I’ll be right back down.” Charlie said the last part to me, and I nodded. My mouth was suddenly dry at the thought of something else going wrong today. I knew that I could not handle any more excitement; it would put me over the edge for sure.

“Sounds good, I’ll be done in a few minutes, as long as this checks out okay, Bella can get dressed and get ready to go home. I’ll come and get all of you in my office when I’m finished.”

Charlie nodded and walked out of the room, leaving Carlisle and I in silence.

Carlisle and Dr. Adams both completed the ultrasound, and everything was perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary was seen by either. They printed me a few pictures and left for me to get dressed.

I turned my body and slipped off of the bed. I dressed quickly, I was ready to get home and spend time with Edward.

Edward came in as I was pulling his hoodie on and zipping it up.

He raised his eyebrow at me, and I just shrugged.

“I guess it is sort of like a security blanket. Hey you, how long are you here for?” I walked over and hugged him as I was finishing my sentence.

He wrapped his arms around me; I turned sideways in his arms, so he wouldn’t feel my stomach sticking out. I couldn’t feel his arms on my stomach, so I assumed he couldn’t feel my stomach either.

“I explained what was going on, and my Professors agreed to let me come home two weeks early, so I’m here until January 3rd. I have class starting on January 4th and I’ll need to be back by then. Is your headache any better?”

“Yes, much better, when Carlisle found out there was no injuries he allowed me to have some Tylenol, so that has helped so much. I would however, kill for some food I slept through dinner. You know any place open at this time of the morning?”

“Let’s see who else wants something to eat and we can head to Port Angels there’s a place there that’s open 24 hours a day.”

“Deal.” I sat abruptly in the chair as I thought of the time that Renee and I went on a cross country trip over the summer. When we stopped to eat Renee would only let us pick the old diners. She said they would have the best food. I began to cry, just thinking of her sweet face as she sat in the booth laughing at all of the locals. Before I knew it loud sobs and wails were escaping from me. Edward charged back over to my side and held me as I cried.

It took a while but I eventually settled down and my crying stopped. When I had everything under control we made our way down to Carlisle’s office and found all the rest of the family talking.

“Is anyone else hungry? Bella here slept through dinner and now she is starving. We’re going to head into Port Angeles to eat at that 24 hour diner, who else wants to come with us?” Edward scanned the group as he extended the invitation.

‘’I have to stop by the Station, so I’ll go but I’ll take the cruiser so I can make a pit stop later.” Charlie offered.

“I’m officially off duty, Bella was my last patient, so a little greasy diner food sounds good, what about you two girls, you up for diner food?” Carlisle asked Alice and Esme. I chuckled at the thought of Esme eating a big greasy cheeseburger and fries.

“Do they have salad on menu with the greasy food at this diner?” Esme asked.

“A salad for breakfast?” I knew deep down she wanted to eat the fattening, greasy food, just like the rest of us.

“Oh yeah, I can order breakfast, well sure we’re game.” Esme threw her arm around Alice’s shoulders and they both nodded.

We all headed off to the diner, Charlie in the cruiser; Esme, Carlisle, and Alice in Carlisle’s Mercedes; Edward and I in his Volvo. Alice gave the excuse that she wanted to discuss an assignment with Esme, get her opinion on her color and pattern combinations, but I knew better, she wanted Edward and I to have some alone time.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, Edward looked over at me, and smiled a big goofy grin that took up his whole face. I couldn’t resist, I had to ask.

“What’s that smile for?”

“I just can’t believe we’re here together, going to get breakfast at the diner. This is so far from where I thought I would be if you had asked me a week ago. I just find it funny, the complete about face we’ve made.”

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Now if anyone is interested in an Edward outtake on his point of view for this chapter head on over to fanfiction and add a review to my story and if I get 20 reviews then I will post the outtake.

Chapter 12- Finally an Answer, But Will I Like It?

Chapter 12-Finally an answer, but will I like it?

Bella

I woke up with a smile, I talked to Edward three times yesterday, and who wouldn't smile over that. Then it hit me that today might be the day that we could be finding out about my mom, and that took the smile away. It was not a good day. I looked at the clock, it was 7:28, early enough that I could send a text and be okay. So I sent one to the group.

A,J,Em,R,E

I'm so glad to talk to each of u last night.

Deep down inside I don't want today to be the day but then again I do. I can get thru it knowing u all r there 4 me!

I luv u all! Tlk 2 u all soon!

B

My phone buzzed back right away, so I flipped it back open. It was Edward.

B

Glad 2 tlk 2 u as well. I'll call when I can, hang in there, u'll do fine. Luv u back!

E

Then Jasper.

B

Ur so tuff! Dont 4get it! Luv u long time!

J

Then Emmett and Rose.

HellsBells

Ur a rock star, today will be good, call when u can, We luv u more!

Em & Rose

And last but not least Alice.

B

Ur da man! Things will work out 2day, trust me I know!

U know Im never wrong! Luv u more than my luggage!

A

And that is why I loved them as much as I did.

I sent another to Edward by himself.

E

Can u hold my hand and help me get thru one more day?

B

I got one right back.

Did he sit on that thing?

B

I already am love!

E

Oh boy, he was not going to make my job of deciding exactly how to make this work between us easy.

I would do what I could to make this look like I could handle it, but it was so far from easy. I needed him and I wanted to try to not call and say 'please come get me'. I wasn't sure that was fair to him. I opened the phone again and called Alice.

"Hello sunshine, did you get my text back?" Her sweet voice responded to me just like she already knew I was the one to call. I'll bet she didn't even look at her caller id.

"Yes and one from Jasper, Em and Rose and Edward, and then another from Edward. I'm trying to be strong and not call him. I know it's not fair to him to beg him to come and hold me in his arms all day long. I'm just not sure I can resist. My brain says that it is not right to ask him anything like that considering what I did to him, but, Alice, my heart says that I can't get through this without him by my side. Tell me what to do, I pleaded with her.

"Bella, Edward will do whatever you need him to do, if you need him to come to and hold you, he will. Just call him and tell him that." She sounded sure of this fact, as if she and Edward had already discussed his intentions.

"Alice I know he will, but do I have the right to call and ask? I mean what I did to him was awful. He wasn't even expecting me to break up with him. I totally blindsided him with it." I stood and began to pace the room. "I did the thing I promised I would never do to him. I deserve his hate and curses, not his love and support. I'm sick in the head, I'm sure of it." I began to run my hands through my hair, a gesture that I had picked up from Edward. "Surely there is a name for the illness I have. Come on, Carlisle is a doctor why don't you know what it's called?" I knew that this was not logical thinking on my part, but the larger part of my brain kept screaming call him and ask him to come and help you.

"Bella, you were confused and you panicked. He doesn't hate you because you had a perfectly normal reaction. He loves you deeper than I have seen in a long time." I snorted at her assurances that he still loved me. She continued but her voice sounded cautious like she was explaining to a two year old the meaning of life. "I have seen the two of you communicate in looks, and slight touches. He responds to you from across the room, and that is a love that doesn't go away. He'll help you no matter what you need."

I interrupted her thoughts, "Alice, I don't deserve his love or even his concern. I broke up with him!"

My crazy ramblings obviously didn't sway her opinions at all because she continued on in a calm manner. "You two were also best friends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. He'll support you for that reason alone. Don't over think this and don't panic. Just allow your gut reaction to lead you, follow your heart and you'll be fine."

"That is the problem Alice, I don't know which one to follow, my heart or my gut? What if things have changed since we have been apart? What if I'm not the same person I was then, what if I've changed? Will he be okay with that?" The thought of telling him that I was pregnant with his child and hid that fact from him suddenly scared the hell out of me, I knew me hiding this from him would hurt him more than anything else. He would have wanted to be a part of watching his child grow, even if it was growing in my stomach still at this point. I knew that Alice couldn't say with certainty that he would be able to over look that point.

"Bella, Edward is not unreasonable, he can be flexible. Obviously something about the way you were needed changing. So if you went and changed then he will recognize it as something that was important to you and if it is important to you, then he'll accept the change. You're thinking again, instead of feeling." I think Alice missed her calling, I knew she loved fashion but I was certain that she would have made a hell of a psychiatrist.

"Alice what if this is a big change, a change that will affect the rest of my life?" I continued on, perhaps she could give me an indication about how Edward would accept this change. How she could do that when I refused to tell her what the change was, was beyond me.

"Bella, maybe you should talk this out with Edward. He still loves you and I know he would be open to at least talking about it. He's the only one that can answer the "is it too late" question."

Oh if she had any idea of how too late it was.

"Today might not be the best day, but soon you two need to talk about this. I don't want two of the people I love hurting, when they could be happy with just a little effort. I gotta run, I have class; I'll talk to you when I get out. Please text me with any updates that you get. I love you girl!"

"Bye Alice." I was still no closer to the assurances that Edward would not flip out at my news.

As I was closing my phone, Charlie knocked on the door and I called out to come in. He sat on the bed; this was not a good sign. He never stayed long in my room, I'm sure the idea of it was off putting to him. He never hovered.

"Bella, you okay kid? Are you sure you can handle the stress? I don't want to put you or the baby in any danger. You feel free to come up and rest or get away from the craziness at any time you need to. Promise me you'll do that?"

"I will, the baby is most important, I won't do anything that will risk his or her health. I promise." Charlie's smile was warm and genuine. I think he was coming around to the idea of a grandchild.

"Okay, Esme called she is picking up breakfast and coming over. I told her you were up, that I had heard you talking on the phone. You better go shower and get down there." Charlie stood to leave my room; he stopped in the doorway and turned to face me. "I'd suggest wearing the same hoodie you have on, that covers you enough that you don't notice my little grandchild poking its head out there in the middle of your belly." Charlie patted my belly and I could feel the baby move slightly. He smiled and then his face took on a serious look. "Bella, I know you better than you think, and I know the story you gave me is not the truth. I'll wait on you to give me the true story and to tell me what you have decided to do about this."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" I knew it was useless but I feigned shock.

"Bella I've been in law enforcement for over twenty years. I know crap when I hear it, and I know my girl. She's not the kind to go to a party and drink, much less hook up with a stranger. So you decide what you want to do and I'll stand by you. Just decide it quickly before he comes home and finds out for himself, okay?" I gave a slight nod to him. I was embarrassed that we had to even have this conversation, not that I regretted my pregnancy but I regretted the fact that it happened now.

With those parting words of wisdom, Charlie closed the door and left me alone with my thoughts. So much for fooling him, I should have known that I can't lie very well to anyone, especially my police chief father. I just need to stick to the truth.

Now do I tell Edward the truth, and if I do, what will it mean for us? Has Esme changed her mind about me and if not how will that affect us if we get back together?

Too many questions for me for right now, I needed to shower and get ready to deal with today. As I climbed off of bed, I grabbed my clothes to take with me into the bathroom. My mind was racing a million miles per minute as I closed the door. I undressed and turned on the shower; knowingly I stood back and waited for the hot water to kick in.

Catching my reflection in the mirror, I could see a nice little baby bump growing. I rubbed it softly and was greeted with a swift kick to my hand. Amazement crossed my brain at the feeling, so I patted it again, and felt one more strong kick. To say I loved this baby and I was wrapped around its finger already was truly an understatement.

I wasn't sure if Edward would feel like that, and it would crush me if he didn't. I tried very hard to make a logical list of pro's and con's about this situation. But it seemed like no matter how many pro's got added to the list, the same amount of con's were added on the other side. The elusive factor that would once and for all tip the scales, to allow me to decide either way was always out of reach for me. So it seems I was still stuck in the middle.

I stepped into the shower and started to wash my hair. Today's agenda was about a totally different topic anyway, so we would worry about this tomorrow. I closed my eyes and silently prayed for the answer, I wasn't sure which answer I was praying for. I just wanted one, I would be happy with one today. Tomorrow I would work on the next problem, if I lived through today.

After I finished my shower, I pulled my hair up into a bun, put on some loose clothes and headed downstairs. I heard the noise drifting up the stairs, when I hit the bottom step the noise reached its peak. It sounded like Grand Central Station in there.

Esme was in the kitchen giving instructions on the breakfast she had brought with her, and several people were already eating at the dining room table. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the breakfast. I was certainly thankful I didn't have to cook for all those people.

As I stepped into the kitchen all eyes turned to me and Esme stepped forward to give me a small kiss on the forehead. I smiled nervously at everyone, being the center of attention always made me uncomfortable.

Charlie cautiously stepped back into the kitchen from the back porch and gave me a hesitant smile.

"Bella, glad you're down here, get some breakfast before it is gone. I swear it's like we're feeding a pack of wolves around here. The food seemed to almost disappear as soon as Esme opened it." I appreciated his attempt at humor for me.

I could hear Jacob laughing in the background.

"Thanks Dad, I will, I'm starving. I think I skipped dinner last night. I forgot with all of the phone calls and such." I turned to Esme to acknowledge her wonderful presence. "Esme I'm so thankful for you, I don't want to have to try to cook for all these people here. You're my hero. This smells great." I attempted a smile; it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But then again, we still didn't have the final bit of news yet so I will reserve the judgment till I find out all of the answers.

Once my plate was loaded with breakfast, I sat at the kitchen table. It held only Esme, Charlie and I. It was nice to not be bombarded with questions about how I'm doing, and prying eyes trying to see if I'm about to go postal on them. I preferred a small group to a big crowd in all scenarios. No such luck today, but I knew most of the people were here to help in some way, so how could I say no.

"Esme where's Carlisle? Didn't he come with you today?" I said around mouthfuls of my delicious breakfast.

"No, he had to go in for a double shift at the hospital. He'll stop by if he doesn't get off too late, but that almost never happens. Forks General is small but busy, all of the time." She lifted a dainty bite of French toast into her mouth. No matter what Esme Cullen is doing she does it with style and grace. I felt sloppy in my hoodie, jeans and messy hair next to her. "Have you spoken with any of my bunch today? Several of them have called me this morning, but they didn't mention if you had talked yet." She gave me a smile that told me she was up to something, but I wasn't sure what yet.

"Actually I sent them all a text, and they each sent one back. I have decided to take it one hour at a time for now. If an hour doesn't work then we will work on minute by minute. Did Edward call you? I was afraid it was too early to call him, so I didn't." I felt like a schoolgirl asking her friends, if the guy they like spoke to them before class. I'm sure I had a stupid grin on my face, but I couldn't help it. Edward caused me to do strange things.

"Yes, he did. He wanted to make sure that I was with you today. He feels bad that he can't be here. He said to tell you to remember he's holding your hand. I guess you know what that means." I nodded at her, certain that my already large smile just got bigger. "I want you to know I want to be here, not just because of all of the kids, but because I love you Bella. You are as special to me as they are, so I'm here for you. You let me know whatever you need, and I'll make it happen." This confused the hell out of me, how could Esme seem this genuine in her assurances that I mattered to not only her family but to her and still have said the same words that I overheard about me? I simply nodded again.

Charlie got up and took his plate to the sink, and Esme stood as well. When Charlie sat back down at the table beside me, he heaved a big sigh. I knew this meant he was ready to talk about his updates and how things were going.

"Bella, I spoke with Dave. He said that they have a report of some wreckage of a small plane. He feels like this may be the one. They'll call when they have info. He said it may not be quick. Dave said to be prepared that this part takes just as long as finding the plane. It may not be until late tonight or even tomorrow morning. He also said to not panic, that doesn't mean bad things because it takes so long. I'm sorry Bella I wish I had a quick answer but I know they are telling the truth, I've been in situations that are similar to this one and it is very slow. So if you can think of anything that will keep you occupied now might be a good time to start it, and fill some of this time we have. Do you have any questions?" I could see the calm in Charlie slipping away, the strain of personal feelings pulling him out of his usual Police demeanor.

"No, No questions. I think I'll go up and start some of the reading that I need to finish for my remaining assignments for school." My hands suddenly needed to be occupied. "I also need to call Angela and let her know what's going on. So I'll be up in my room, if either of you need me."

"Go on up Bella, Esme and I will take care of things down here. I won't let anyone up the stairs to disturb you."

I went up and pulled out my books. I chose the one that would keep me the most occupied, and started there. It was easier than I thought to get engrossed in the assignment. I had chosen great classes this semester, and I enjoyed all of them.

Before I knew it my bladder was screaming at me and I was hungry again. So I headed downstairs.

The house was still full, but everyone seemed to be doing something. I guess Esme turned into General Cullen and handed out orders. I walked into the kitchen as Jacob and a few of his friends came in with some groceries. He looked up and smiled a smile full of regret for me.

"Hey Bells, we didn't get a chance to talk last night." He bumped my shoulder with his. "I ditched school for you. I figured one day wouldn't hurt right?" His eyebrow rose as if to ask my permission for his truancy.

I feigned shock, and with a hand pressed to my chest I asked, "Jacob Black, you little juvenile delinquent, your Dad will skin you alive if it happens again, I'm sure of it, what were you thinking?" Within seconds of the words leaving my mouth, his smile gave the tell tale sign that he liked the humor. "Do you need help with those?" I offered.

"No I'm fine; it is just a few groceries. I also have some food in the car from the reservation. I know Charlie isn't the Chief of Police down there, but we're all still real attached to him." He sat his bag on the counter and Esme took it immediately to the refrigerator to unload the perishables. Jacob turned back towards the living room, so I followed him. "Several of the women came over to our house this morning and brought food for me to bring up here to you. Your Dad has sort of been their charity case, since you've been at school. They send food all of the time, they always mumble something about men not being able to cook. I don't know what they worry about, Charlie and my Dad both can fry fish, so they'll at least survive, right?" Jacob chuckled, and I found myself laughing with him. Jacob was always able to pull me out of the funk I was in, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at all.

"Well they're right, he can't cook and fish doesn't cut it for dinner every night. So you tell them thanks for me. I appreciate someone looking out for him. He sure needs it." We settled on the couch, Jacob sat much closer than I would have liked for him to. It seemed that he just wasn't the male that I wanted close to me. And as much as his gentle nature and fun loving spirit calmed me, it never equaled the peace that settled over me when I just spoke to Edward. I allowed the closeness to remain, perhaps it was my over active imagination. "I worry about you and Billy as well, one man is bad enough, but two in the house together. I'm sure the house will go up in flames soon. That should be a crime, two men in a house alone!" Jacob's loud laugh could he heard all over the house as he laughed at my attempt at humor. It felt good to have a laugh, a little release.

I looked up at the clock and realized it was almost two pm. I left the living room and ran up to grab my phone. I wanted to call Edward before he went back into class. I wanted him to know what was going on. I hit the speed dial #1, funny I never realized I had not changed him from the number one position in my life.

"Hello, Bella?" His voice sounded rushed, yet smooth as silk.

"Edward, yeah it's me. How are you?" The tears ever so close just from the sound of his voice.

"I'm fine, what do you know?"

"Nothing yet, I just wanted to talk to you before you went back into class. I know I cut it kind of close, but I was reading my assignments so I would be able to finish the papers. It was supposed to help occupy my time, until we heard some news. It worked well; I only stopped when my stomach growled." I took a deep breath in and held it, when my body revolted at the lack of oxygen I allowed it to escape my mouth. I continued quietly. "They found a possible crash site. We're waiting on word. Charlie gave me this long speech about how this always takes time, he tried to assure me to not worry when the call doesn't come in right away. I don't think it worked so well." I needed Edward almost as much as I needed oxygen. My heart ached to have his strong arms around me, to comfort me and help me make it through this.

"Your Dad only wants to spare you any worry he can, so don't be angry at the speeches. Okay, Angel? He's a cop and he's seen what grief and emotions can do to people over and over again. He's coping the only way he knows how to, by being who he is at work. That keeps the emotions down when he uses that personality. Are you worried that no call has come in?"

The tears began in earnest, "No, I think my head already knows the news isn't going to be good. I'm just not sure how my heart will take it. That's the one I worry about, that one is the one that needs help, my heart needs you." I could hear his sharp intake of breath. I didn't know if I had pushed him too far or not quite enough. I was afraid to push too far so I backed down.

"I know Bella; once again I'm sorry I can't be there for you. Isn't my Mom with you?"

"Yeah, she arrived this morning with a buffet full of food, she fed everyone and now she's cleaning the house." I couldn't believe the absurdity of my brain as it imagined all of the boys marching around like little toy soldiers at Esme's beck and call. "She has everyone marching like soldiers. She sent Jacob and his friends to the grocery store. Can you imagine that pack of boys getting items that she put on the list? I'm sure that was funny to stand back and watch."

"Jacob is there, isn't he uh…supposed to be in school?" I could hear the displeasure in his voice. It's funny how things don't really change after all.

"Oh come on Edward, surely you two aren't going to start that again are you? He's just a friend, nothing more; he won't ever be anything more, okay?" I try to reassure him again about this particular topic.

"I know Bella, I'm sorry. There's just something about him that pushes my buttons. Damn it, I gotta run I need to get into class. I'll call you the minute I step out again. I promise." The rushed hurried tone of his voice morphed into a softer, sweeter lilt, "Take care love."

"I will Edward, thanks."

He was gone again, and after only a few seconds, I missed his voice. I knew enough to know that these short phone calls were not going to get me by for long. I felt the tears starting so I went back down into the kitchen to eat.

As I entered the kitchen the phone rang. Charlie stepped around me and answered it. He went into cop mode and used his official voice. He nodded a few times, and gave a few hmms, and uhuhs. I wasn't sure what was being said, maybe that was on purpose. Then I heard the name I knew and that one word let me know the questions were about to be answered. I sank into a chair and Esme came to stand beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder and smiled down at me, trying to offer me hope.

"Ok, thanks for the call. Yeah, let us know, I appreciate it." Charlie's back slumped as he hung up the phone letting me know without words his news would not be good.

He took a deep breath, and he turned to look at me. Everyone else seemed to fade away, maybe they left the room, I don't know. All I know was I could feel Esme and I could see Charlie. He walked towards me and the three steps seemed to be in slow motion. He squatted down to be face to face with me in the chair. I took his hand in mine and reached up to grab Esme's with my other hand.

"Bella that was Dave. He has received word back from the Search Team. Bella they confirmed that they found the plane. I'm sorry but your Mom and Phil are gone."

Gone.

Finality, no coming back.

I felt my heart lurch and my breathing stop. I wanted to shout and scream, but I knew that wouldn't do any good. Esme squeezed my shoulder. I let go of her hand and Charlie took both of my hands in his. When I met his eyes, I saw the beginning of tears. That's when mine came, full force. I heard a loud shuddering sound, and felt my body start to shake with my sobs. Esme pulled me into her arms and guided me into the living room to sit on the couch. I could hear her talking on the phone, and she placed it up to my ear. Alice began talking to me. I wasn't sure what she was saying, I couldn't hear her over my own tears and sobs. I love Alice but she wasn't who I needed to hear from.

"Ali, call him, please, get him for me, I need him, please." It came out strangled and in between sobs, so I wasn't sure if she understood me.

"Hold on Bella, he'll call you in just a minute, I love you!" And she hung up.

I sat beside Esme, clutching the cell phone. I could hear Charlie talking on the home phone, and other people moving around the house. I felt a body sit down next to me, and looked up to see Sue Clearwater's dark eyes looking back at me. She put her arms around me and held me from the other side. I was wrapped up between Esme and Sue. It felt warm, but nothing would be right until I heard his voice. I heard the first note of a ring and hit the button to answer it. All I could do was sob his name.

"Edward."

"Bella, honey I'm so sorry, I love you, please don't cry. It hurts me when you do. I know it hurts, please baby, let me come home to you. You just say the word and I'll be on the first flight there. Let me come home to you, to hold you and make you better. It will be better when I get there Bella. I told you, you have to ask for me. I can't assume."

"Edward, please come home, I need you." It was punctuated by hiccups and sobs but he understood.

The shaky unsure tone of his voice was replaced by the determined Edward that I knew. "Bella give the phone to my Mom for me. I'll be home as soon as I can get there, okay? Hang on until then, I love you, hang on for me okay?"

"I will."

I held up the phone and Esme took it. I heard her exchange words with Edward; I don't know what was said. I couldn't hear them over my brain chanting "Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward, Hang on for Edward". I allowed the chant to lull me to sleep.

Chapter 11- Barely Holding On

Chapter 11- Barely Holding On

Bella

Before I called Edward I glanced up at Esme there was such a sadness in her eyes, I wasn't sure if it was for this situation or something else. I really wanted to ask her the question that I had been plaguing me for almost 6 months, I wanted, no I needed to know why I wasn't good enough for Edward. What was it that made me so wrong for him, was something I could do to change who I was so that I could be enough for him? If there was anything that I had learned through this situation was that I needed him more now than any other time in my life, but because of Esme's opinion and my need to do what was best for him, he wasn't here. I knew that I could wait until winter break, and at the very least see him but would that be enough, would that be what finally caused me to crack completely. And really, what about him? It sounded like he wanted to talk to me, and that was good I think that I could handle talking to him on a regular basis and that may help me to get me through all of this. At least that's what I hoping for, his strength and love to be there to help me get through what could be the most traumatic point in my life, but was that fair to him, isn't that doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do, and how could I talk to him and not deal with the giant pink elephant that was standing in the room? How much would him knowing about the baby change all of this?

I finally decided it was better to think about all of this later, for now, I need to hear the voice I have missed for almost 6 months, so I dialed the number I had wanted to dial all afternoon.

As he answered I noticed that his voice was muffled and groggy with sleep. "Edward, did I wake you? Is it too late?"

"Bella, no I was just dozing off and on. I was waiting for either Alice or you to call me. To be honest, I wouldn't have slept well without hearing from you so I am glad that you called." I could hear his hand rubbing through his hair. I could close my eyes and see him clearly. "How are you? You sound better than you did earlier."

"Yeah, I don't even know how I was forming coherent sentences at that point, I had taken a mild sedative before I got on the plane, I managed to sleep the whole way to Seattle and still had to take a nap after I got home to Forks, I feel a lot better now so I guess it helped. I had intended on calling you sooner, but I just needed more rest, sorry."

"Bella, don't apologize for taking care of yourself. I understand." The anguish in his voice was clear.

"I wasn't sure if I could get on a plane after hearing about Mom and Phil especially by myself, you know? I was so scared, but the sedative helped, it wasn't real strong, just enough to help me sleep, so I didn't have to think about anything." For some reason I felt the need to explain my sedative use to Edward. He obviously didn't know about the baby but somewhere in my grief stricken, hormonal mind I still felt like he needed to understand that I wasn't putting his child in any danger. "The Doctor said it would be ok to take as long as I would have someone to drive me home once I landed." Edward drew in a breath, I wasn't sure of the reason; I knew as the son of a doctor that he wasn't opposed to medications but any other reason escaped my mind at the moment.

"Charlie woke me up, when your Mom and Dad got here. Your Mom has been sitting with me since. I told her that I have always thought of her as my extra Mom so it was good that she's the one here for me now." I smiled up at Esme as she smoothed my hair out and returned the smile to me. I was still confused by her seemingly honest show of emotions towards me, but she was as close to Alice and Edward as I could get so I shut that train of thought down again.

"I called Alice first, I hope that was okay, you know how she is and I figured if I didn't call her soon, she was going to be on a flight to Forks. I also made sure to call Jasper, Em, and Rose, I know how worried they were. I wanted to call you last; I wanted us to have more time to talk." I didn't know how he felt, he hadn't given any indication as to his feelings yet, so I was still in the dark. I know it was so selfish to take the comfort from two people that may not really care that much about me, but for the moment I wanted it and so I would deal with what happened later when later got here. "I don't really know where we stand, and I don't want anything to be strange between us. So tell me what to do and say so we can be okay." I wanted things back to normal with us. I just needed him to be normal and help me get through this.

"Bella, you say whatever you want, I'm here for you. I'll be here for you in any way you need me to be. You need to let me know what you want. You're the one that changed things, not me. I know what I want from you, my feelings, and my love for you has never changed at all for me. I'm not going to assume anything. I will do anything you ask, do you understand what I'm saying?" The tone of his voice revealed to me the hidden meaning that his words only alluded to.

"Edward, I know exactly what you're saying. I'm just so confused right now, so please don't be angry that I don't know what I want. I think this has turned my world upside down and it'll take me some time to figure it out." I sat back and shut my eyes, willing myself to hold the emotion in and not show Edward how close to the surface my true feelings really were.

"I know that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Carlisle, Esme and especially you are the biggest part of my world and I can't get through this without you. I know that's not really fair to you, and I won't ask you to do more than you can. I don't want to hurt you anymore." I took a moment to breath in and try to collect my thoughts again, I figured now was as good as any to work out what we had been through over the past few months. I wanted, no needed him to know how much I was hurt by the actions that I chose as well. I didn't think that would bring him any comfort but I needed him to know that I did really love him and never wanted to hurt him. "I know what I did before hurt you a lot and I want you to be okay, as well. You need to know that my true feelings have always been filled with love for you. I never started out to hurt you, in any way. I promise." He remained silent but I could hear him breathing. I knew that he would need time to weight his words and decided what he wanted to say to me. Edward had always been an over thinker. I plowed ahead with my explanation, "We need to promise to be completely honest with each other, if something is out of the bounds or more than what we can take, we need to feel comfortable with telling each other that. Do you agree?" I bit on my lower lip and waited with baited breath for his answer.

"Bella, I promise to tell you if anything becomes too much and to be totally honest with you." That was as much as I could get from him for now. "Now tell me about you, how have you been? I've almost picked up the phone a million times to call you, and I wasn't sure if I should. I have missed you as my best friend just as much as I have missed you as my girlfriend, does that make any sense to you?"

"Yes, I completely understand, I told Angela the same thing. I spent every day with all of you and to go cold turkey and not see all of you for five months; it is like a form of torture." It seemed so much longer than five months that I had been away from Edward, yet in another way it seemed like no time had gone by at all. "It is hard to think about with how close we all have been that we each went to our own little part of the country, except of course weak assed Rose and Emmett. Who knew they would be the wimps?" I chuckled and couldn't believe that after a few minutes I was able to laugh again. Edward always had that kind of pull on me.

"How's school Bella, and what about your job? How's the job going?"

"Well surprise, it's in the campus library, it's like they knew me or something. I love it, the classes are kind of tough this semester. I'm doing well so far, nothing too difficult, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that the really hard ones aren't coming." Edward sounded shifty like he was searching for something to keep us on the phone. He had no idea that I would start to find excuses to keep him here as long as possible. "I have some reading and few papers to do while I'm here. Each of my professors agreed to allow me to do an extra paper instead of taking the final so that I could complete the semester. That way I won't have to retake all three courses. That'll save me a semester, and since I think I'll have to sit out one semester anyway, I don't want to waste another one." I clapped my hand over my mouth; I couldn't believe I had allowed that little piece of info to slip out. A few minutes of talking with Edward and all of my walls had come down and I was ready to spill all of my secrets to him.

"What do you mean sit out a semester?" His voice rose in anticipation of my response.

"Well, I think depending on the outcome of all of this I may either have to help Renee and Phil with any recovery that they have or stay here in Forks for a little while after all this clears over, you know getting myself together. I don't want to push myself, and try to pretend that I'm okay if I'm not. I don't want to sound weak, but this may take some time, and I feel like I deserve it." This was a real concern of mine but not the exact excuse that would keep me out of class for a whole semester.

"Bella, you talk like you know how this is going to end, do you know something I don't?" Concern laced his voice as he asked.

"Not officially, but I have a gut feeling. I may be wrong, but I don't think so. I'm certainly not going to pretend with myself. I figured that it would be better to meet this thing head on, and deal with it from the start. Does that make sense?"

"Of course it makes sense, it just sounds like a hard thing to do and most people don't have the guts to do it. I'm proud of you Bella. I always knew how strong you were, but every once in a while you surprise me." I could hear the longing in his voice and I wondered if he was thinking back to the time when I could crawl in his lap and take comfort from him without any questions asked. I certainly was. "You know that is what drew me to you when we first met. Most girls do and say all the same things. They're not original, it's like they were shaped from a mold and they're really all the same. You however, were always different, always say things that surprise me." He sat for a moment of silence; I was on the edge of my seat to find out what he wanted to say. "I love that about you, you do what you feel you need, and not what everyone else thinks you should. Make sure you never change that, don't ever let anyone tell you that you need to conform, you hear me?" I nodded at his request and realized that he couldn't see me.

"I will, Edward, I promise."

"That's your strongest trait and that's what is going to get you through this. We'll be with you every step of the way, but you're going to do this yourself. You're strong enough."

"Edward, thank you. I need to hear that a million more times, I'm not foolish enough to think that this will be easy, but I know I can make it." The resolve in my voice was stronger than I felt at the moment; I still had the final answer to get through.

"Jasper told me that people say that the hurt lessens with each day, but that's not true. We get stronger each day and learn how to deal with it. How you guys always know what to say to make me stay strong is beyond me." I never wanted to get off of the phone with him; I would stay there all night with him. But I knew that I needed my sleep. So I said the words that I never wanted to utter. "I guess I'd better go, so your Mom and Dad can go home. Your Mom has been with me for several hours now, and I think she'd like her lap back. I don't know what I did to deserve you and your family, but I swear one day I'll pay you all back. I don't care if it takes a lifetime, I'll do it." I stood on shaky legs and stepped away from the couch and away from Esme. "I think it's the Japanese language that has about fifty different ways to say I love you for different meanings, and I wish I knew them all because I'm sure that they'd all apply to your family. Thank you for not hating me and for still being my friend, and mostly for being here for me now. I'm not sure I would be strong enough without you. I'll call you in the morning when I know something. What's your schedule for tomorrow?"

"I'm in class from eight until twelve, and then I have a class from two until five. So most of the day, but I'll leave my phone on vibrate. Why don't you send me a text and then I can text you in class. I won't be able to hear your voice, but I'll at least know you are okay. Is that good?"

"That's perfect; promise me you'll call me here at the house when you get out of your last class." I remembered that Rose and Em asked me to have him call them to let them know the updates. "Oh yeah, Rose and Em said for me to call you with any updates and you can relay to them. That way I would have fewer people to call."

"That's fine, I'll be glad to relay for you. Goodnight sweet Bella, sleep well. Take those pills if you need them. Don't try to be stronger than you need to be, admit you need them if you do."

"I will Edward, don't worry about me I'm better now. I'll talk to you tomorrow, sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams to you, love."

I shut the phone and looked at Esme; she was smiling this large wonderful smile. I couldn't figure her out at all.

"What is that smile for?" I asked hoping she would give me an honest answer.

"The way you were holding the phone I could hear Edward's side of the conversation. He's a changed man, not that he was bad before, but it's so wonderful to hear how he is with you. I think we have done something right for him to have grown and become the man he is today. I'm glad you two still have each other in whatever way you consider your relationship." She pulled me in a hug and held me for a minute, her sweet soft smell enveloped me and it was hard to imagine that just a few months ago she was talking about me ruining Edward's life, what could have changed in those 5 months for her to say this now. Is she just saying these things to make me feel better now, or does she mean them. I would have to process this later, I just didn't know hot to handle it now. "I think you're right I'm going to take Carlisle home. I'll be back tomorrow. I would like to stay with you if you don't mind? I know you have Charlie, but you know how guys are with emotional displays. I figure I can handle those and he can take care of all the other stuff, besides I can cook better than he can." I nodded enthusiastically at her, again I knew I was probably clinically insane but I couldn't help but accept her help. "I'll call before I come; to make sure you have enough rest. I'll see you in the morning, sweet Bella. Sleep tight."

"I will thank you so much."

She turned to look towards the kitchen where the men stayed huddled up and away from the emotional display. "Carlisle, are you ready?" her voice called out sweetly.

All at once the men emerged from the kitchen, obviously deciding that it was safe to enter the emotional zone again. They all filed sheepishly into the room, as Carlisle stepped up to give me a hug.

"Bella you call if you need anything, it doesn't matter what time it is." He leaned back to look me over.

"I promise, thank you for coming, I needed it more than I realized." His calm and caring manner put me at ease and made me feel so cared for.

I turned to Esme, and hugged her. She just held me until I was ready to let her go. She kissed my head, and they both turned in unison to go out the door.

Billy, Jacob and Sue all came into the room, wearing their coats.

I felt terrible that I had allowed them to be here all evening and I had spent it huddled up on the couch with Esme talking to everyone else. I rushed to explain, "I'm so sorry that I wasn't a better hostess, I kind of got lost in the emotions. I really feel awful, don't leave yet." I laid my hand on Billy's wheelchair to stop him from heading towards the door. "Please let's go into the kitchen, Esme said there was some food, I could warm you something to eat, will you stay for a while longer?"

Billy spoke up as he grabbed my hand.

"Bella, we're here for you, you don't have to feel like our hostess. You do what you need, and we'll take care of ourselves. Don't apologize for spending time with someone who means so much to you."

Sue placed her hand on my shoulder and moved my hair off to the side. Her warm smile enveloped me in peace as she said, "We only want to see you happy and if that makes you happy, then we're happy. We'll go and come back tomorrow, we'll eat then. How does that sound?" She nodded her head at me and I repeated the gesture.

"Billy and I will come first thing, and Jacob will come after school. I'll leave him the keys so he can drive my car. I promise we'll be here. So sleep well."

Jacob bumped my shoulder with his as he filed out the door. Sue, and Billy hugged me and went out the back door.

Charlie and I worked in silence while putting away the large amount of food people brought over. The refrigerator was full by the time we were done. It was nice to live in a small town for many reasons, and this was one of them. Their attitudes were 'You took care of your own', especially since it was their Chief of Police that needed help. Countless times Charlie had been there for them in their time of need, and now they saw it as their chance to pay him back. I appreciated Forks for how well they took care of the person who was so special to me. I definitely had grown to think of Forks as my home.

When we were finished we said our goodnights and each went up to bed.

I stopped in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and wash my face while I was in there I took another pill. When I was finished I climbed into bed, and turned out the light. For a moment I felt like if I closed my eyes tight enough I could feel Edward with me. But when I opened my eyes again, the feeling of him was gone. I realized I couldn't relax without hearing his voice one more time so picked up the phone, and dialed him.

"Bella, hello, are you okay?" He had been asleep, his rough unused voice sounded so sexy.

"Edward, this is silly but I'm in bed and needed to hear your voice again. Is that okay?"

"Bella that's fine. What do you want me to talk about?" Uncertainty hanging off of every word that he spoke. We still were in the unsure awkward stage with each other.

"Just put in one of your piano CD's for me and I can listen with you until I fall asleep."

"Yeah, hold on, I'll get one. Be right back."

I could hear him moving around and then the music started, he turned on his iPod and put it in the dock. It came through the phone just like I was there with him. I listened for a few minutes and as I felt myself drift off, I said "Edward, I think I am falling asleep on you."

"Don't worry Bella, I'll let it play for about 10 more minutes and then hang up."

I smiled again, and then said "You mean the world to me, love you." I was too tired to worry about the words that came out of my mouth, and since Edward never responded I let it go.

Turning over, I closed my eyes for the night. I never heard him hang up.